This is a Blog

Moniker

2011-11-18T21:32:00.003-05:00

I've been staring at this blank post for probably 20 minutes. My stolen internet fading in and out, and not allowing my procrastination to take hold.

I guess updates are in order...

They always say when you're least expecting something is usually the time you get it. I am not the exception. I've had... to say the least, a pretty rocky past with love. I had a skewed image of men, and had come to the point where I had convinced myself that to truly be happy I would have to live without love for the man I married in hopes of keeping what little patience I had left for the opposite sex. I debated on finding a nice, stable man, to... cohabitate with for the rest of my life in a loveless stable relationship that would never leave me hurting again.

I guess I was wrong.

I had known him the entire year before I gave him a chance. Even now I sat here for at least five minutes trying to think of a moniker for him, none of which give him his due credit. I guess I'll call him moniker? Nothing fits the man he is to me.

We worked together, and had apparently met early in our careers, by his notice - not mine. He, a 6'4" doof of a man, with the most beautiful blue eyes and dark hair that I easily glanced over while occupied with nonsense the better part of last year. He had apparently heard of others aiming to catch my attention and had not tried to approach me, other than saying hello in the halls (of which I was reminded of and told I never returned the hellos in passing - gah).

His opportunity came shortly after my last post when we were thrown into the hectic and fast paced ER together for multiple shifts, where he in his adorably passive way got a hold of my number by the promise of the hospital's all elusive wireless internet password (which he promised to flirt out of the nurses.) Thus began his attempt at a courtship, and my attempts to turn his advances into a friendship.

He wasn't my type. An overweight, unkempt, video gaming man with crooked teeth, a perma frown (like craters in between his eyes) and sticky palms was far from what I thought to be my prince charming. Though, he was amusing. His mind as sharp as a tack when it came to instant rebuttals or quick witted jokes with our surrounding environment. While attempting to treat hectic ED cases a quick look down the hall would find him staring back with a goofy lopsided grin and raised eyebrows - especially when attempting to control the pysch cases awaiting their labs to rule out organic causes prior to admission to the psych unit. Always sticking his head in the room to tell me about an "urgent call" when things were getting out of hand.

Conversation was usually initiated by him at that point, his attempts at dates turned into group hang outs where I would show up with distractions and groups of people. His attempts at movie nights would become a mini party at my house "oh! hi! I wasn't expecting you! A movie? sure!" while frantically texting everyone I knew to "drop by" in an effort to avoid an awkward situation.

Through the months (yes months), I began to look forward to our talks. He would show up with home made brownies (yes, he cooks) and movies in his attempts at making his intentions known. He would never talk about what he wanted hoping his hints were working, sending songs with lyrics suggestive of our relationship while I played stupid. Acting as if he were the best friend I always wanted without allowing him enough time to "make a move," running into my house or going into hiding when he would push me past my comfort zone. In hind sight I think I would have reacted almost the same with any man who tried to date me at that point. I was done with them.

At one point, he finally "made his move." On a drive back from a local bar, with friends in the back seat, he attempted to hold my hand.

My heart dropped, my hands went cold, and I quickly jerked away from him uncomfortable and upset that someone I liked so much wasn't content with just my friendship and had complicated our happy cohesive relationship by wanting more. I avoided him after that, confused by my reaction, and how much I missed him - we didn't speak for a week or two.

At the time I was on nights, a horribly hectic schedule where I slept all day and worked all night from 4pm - 9am. He was only meant to work at our hospital till the end of june before moving away- and it was two weeks till. I had heard the surgeons held their graduation at some point the week prior, vaguely realizing how long it had been since we'd talked as I walked out the hospital my last night on nights in a daze the morning everything changed.

The night had been particularly miserable, with sick patients being admitted, a couple codes and an extended morning for me in an attempt to complete all of my pending notes for the night. The way I left the hospital was a back little used doorway, using the darkest sunglasses I could find to protect my sun depraved eyes... and then I saw him. He was coming in to turn in his badge, parking in a little known spot closer to the hospital vs the employee parking lot located at the other end of the hospital. I didn't recognize him without his scrubs or his usual frumpy athletic gear commonly worn to hang out. I initially focused in to the tall dark haired man in nice grey dress slacks and a pale blue button down thinking "hmm, where did youuuu come from handsome?" until I realized who I was looking at.

That moment will stay with me forever.

I can only describe the feeling coming over me as... comfort. A warm rush of safety, security, relief and excitement that took over me as I realized I was seeing him before his move 6 hours away. Before knowing it, there he was in front of me with his contagious laugh, joking about how my night must have been looking the way I did, his big arms engulfing me as I, in my tired haze, sunk into them confused by my reaction. I coaxed him into eating lunch with me, "our last meal together," I told him, ignoring his rejections and attempts at escape. Later he would tell me he had given up on me, not wanting to put himself in a situation where he would get sucked back in.

I won, of course, and we ate. My inspection of his car en route showed multiple graduation programs and a place card with my name on it. He admitted he meant to invite me to the big event but ended up not after our last interaction... a horrible feeling I still live with. We ended up back at my house to watch a movie (our first alone) with me eventually falling asleep on my couch around 12pm while allowing him to, for once, sit close enough to me to have some sort of contact.

I woke up at 10am (almost 20 hours later), alone on my couch and in the dark with my privacy curtains closed. As far as I knew he had packed up his bags the day prior and already moved by that point. He was gone. I checked my phone for any missed calls or texts and sat back after I saw nothing from him confused about what my sleep deprived mine had been thinking.

I didn't understand my emotions surrounding his departure, I was still a mess.

Later I opened my door to check the mail and found a small stuffed animal (an animal he and I joked about often) sitting goofily on my front step staring up at me silently. Laughter exploded out of me as I grabbed it taking it inside to inspect it further. It had no note, but didn't need one... the message was clearly stated.

It has been almost 5-6 months that I've allowed him close enough to see parts of the real me. He's been patient, caring, and by far is the most amazing man I have ever met. He knows everything about my past, and allows me time - backing away when he senses he is pushing my comfort level too fast, and is attentive enough to know when I'm digging myself into a hole to persuade me out. He tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe him when he does - knowing I could be in my worse state he he would find what ever beauty there was in me to focus on. He is everything I have ever wanted on paper, and the things I found fault in physically are slowly evaporating - as I have now learned were due to his miserable life in the surgical residency. He has lost, possibly, a total of 30 pounds since his move and better schedule. His body the perfect type to cuddle in to, his eyes the most beautiful blue I have ever seen with the most playful yet genuine smile any person could possibly own. When I think of him my heart flutters, and I can't help but be thankful that I didn't allow petty superficial inconsistencies keep my from someone like him - with, of course, some flaws which I will likely blog about in the future.

My update? I'm happy. I believe everything happens for a reason, and the hell I went through was meant for me to learn to appreciate a man like the one I have now. The nice guy who was never given much of a chance by any other girl with the heart of gold. I'm amazed at how long it took me to realize what was sitting right in front of me, and I'm thankful I did. He makes me think of a happy future and has restored the little girl in me that dreamt of happy endings.

I hope this lasts... I'd hate to update this blog later with bitter man hating posts again, I really want to be done with those.

Settling

2011-02-28T22:17:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure when someone of my gender gets to this point, but it inevitably happens. Something happens that turns a girl who dreams of happy endings with her prince, to a woman who realizes a troll will probably worship her and she won't have to fight other princesses (with less moral character and easily spread thighs) off of him and fear that their happily ever after will end when the prince finds another princess.

I'm just about there.

I think after looking around I've realized a couple of things.

1. men who I am not completely interested in LOVE ME. It's got to be the chase. The less emotionally involved I am with them, the more they do/think about me.
2. when I begin to emotionally become attached to a man, and reciprocate their advances, they slowly disappear.
3. Guys my age are either married (and cheating), divorced, in single phase, or crazy

It seems to me the happiest marriages are those that end up with a beautiful girl and "that guy." You know the one I'm talking about. The one you look at and immediately make up a million reasons why a beautiful girl would end up with HIM. "He's gotta be rich, or have a huge penis, or famous." We've all thought it.

In actuality, it may be because he actually loves her. (or her looks, and she actually loves him)

I'd like to consider myself an 8. I don't think i'm drop dead gorgeous, but I do think I'm above average, and my education/job puts me from a 7 to an 8 on the attainometer. Studies have shown that people tend to go for those that are roughly the same degree of attractive as them. Therefore an 8 will usually settle for another 8, a 4 a 4, and so on and so forth. But do those people stay together?

With what i've seen in the past year of my life in the "real world", the answer is no. The amount of adulterous, DISGUSTING, relationships I see happening under my nose is enough to take any hopes of a fairy tale ending with my handsome, same leveled in attractiveness, prince and stomp them so far into the ground I couldn't possibly dig them out.

Not to mention my not so recent break up with rex that just had me in the dumps and unwilling to enter any relationship that seems even the slightest bit iffy. I am never breaking up with another boy again. the. end.

The recent doctor I spoke about in the blog prior - he for some reason gave me the kind of vibe that he may be a player. Why do I have that vibe? Because he emailed me though the hospital system and basically asked me out without ever having met me in person. My thoughts? If he emails me out of all the people in the whole hospital, who says he's not emailing other people and doing the same. He doesn't call me enough, and for some reason I've written him off because he's 1. too good looking, 2. makes too much money, and 3. too spastic with his contacting me to be someone who is of any value in putting any emotion into.

Scenario 2 comes into play with another doctor, not as good looking, nerdy, but seems to be a little awkward in his attempts at asking me out. My first date with him was horrible, he spoke the whole time, never let me finish a sentence without interrupting, I didn't get his jokes, we stayed out way past my bedtime and he kept making comments about my yawning and him boring me (which he kinda was, but whatever). In this case, however, I have more faith. I see less competition in a case like his, I couldn't imagine anyone fighting me for him, and he's good enough. Who cares if I clicked better with doctor #1, that I'm more attracted to him, or that he dresses and acts more refined than dr #2? The first one is too good to be true and could possibly leave me, and the second would probably treat me like gold.

Lets look at why? Because he's a 4 and I'm an 8. Our scale's are off, his job and stability putting him at maybe a comparable 8. His personality has some quirks, and I probably could eventually fall for him, like I do all my other men, because he is deep down a nice guy. But looks wise, we're far of, and I wouldn't have to worry about him straying far because he wouldn't want any other 4's in his pool. At least I'd hope...

I see myself giving dr #2 the benefit of the doubt, and dr #1 gets written off without a thought.

I see myself possibly settling, and I'm logistically telling myself how this will be a better thing.

I just need to actually become attracted to number 2... Personality is everything - I know this. I keep telling myself that he might have just been nervous our first date - because the first time we met we did actually hit it off. I don't know. I may be settling... and it may be the best thing for me. I'm sick of dating. I'm sick of hurting. And I'm definitely sick of all the other princesses out there sleeping with my very taken princes.

I'll take a troll over these annoyingly deceitful princes any day. A nice one, with a stable bridge, who wouldn't be snatching up any other princesses...

Closure

2011-02-20T19:18:00.002-05:00

It's a wonderful thing. Something I guess I've never really fully appreciated till I had dinner with rex over a month and some change ago. Until that moment I thought of him daily, after - I realized that my initial decision to break up was the right one, and I just needed to understand the reasons behind the cold emotionless mailing of my box of shit.

Within a week I stopped thinking about him all the time, and over the past month or so we've drifted to a state of non-communication. But this time, it's not weird, I could contact if I wanted to, I just don't feel the need like I did before.

It seems the new year brought me a wave of men, fate asking me to juggle them and pick one, and just as suddenly as they appear - they're gone.

My male friend from new years moved out of the country, and I have little to no contact with him. I still kinda think, what if, with that one... we did click on a friendship level, he was attractive, smart, and kind. I just put him in friend mode when I first met him (he had a girlfriend - or headed that way with one girl) and never upgraded him to a possibility when he became single.

There was another doctor in the hospital that also started poking around. He is an interesting case I'll have to explain to the blog at some point. Surprisingly as quickly as he came he disappeared - though there might be an explanation to this and the story may not be over yet.

Happily, though, I'm back to my pre-rex state of happiness. I love my job, I love my house, I miss my puppies, and I'm back into the grove and working on the floors (something that others complain about but I love.)

I love what I do, and think I may be a workaholic. I'm forming more bonds with my patients than those in my life - which may be a sort of coping mechanism being so far from my family and thrown into a foreign environment, but it's ok for now.

Thank god for closure - I'm back to being me, and not fixating on why a guy I barely knew sent me a box of my shit after breaking up with him and not talking to me anymore. How petty and stupid it sounds when I realize how meaningless it all was.

Happy new year

2011-01-19T20:47:00.002-05:00

The unthinkable happened, I shared this blog with someone I know. She's going through something now which resembles what I went through with navy, only worse... and I figured her reading this thing might be beneficial... but I dunno if she'll actually read it.

Updates:
Rex called my a couple days before christmas wishing me a happy holiday. I was floored, as we hadn't exchanged so much as a 3 - 4 texts in the past four months, that he would contact me. Me? Of course I still thought about him EVERY DAY (what is wrong with me) and only stared at his name as my ringer went off. I didn't answer, he text, I text back... it was unsettling.

So I thought about him more. I planned on going to a neighboring large city for new years with someone I worked with, and a very good guy friend of mine who was living about 2 hours south. New years eve I wake up, and realized that unless I contacted rex at some point before leaving for my trip, I was most probably going to end up drunk dialing him and making an ass out of myself. With that small little light going off in my head, I grabbed my phone, and four months of telephone silence ended without thought and a quick dial of the phone.

I didn't even realize what I was doing until the third ring when I realized I WAS CALLING HIM, and as an after thought, he might not pick up.

He picked up, right before voicemail got to me, with probably the same surprise in his voice that I felt realizing I called him.

We talked for an hour. I told him I was calling to wish him a happy new year, he immediately started to word vomit about his life without prompting. How he was doing, how he was changing everything about him I'd pointed out in the break up, how he tried dating but "no one compared to you." I don't think i've ever been at such a loss for words. I still think about it and get shocked thinking about how it all went down. The conversation ended on a light note after he asked me questions about myself, like, if I was dating anyone, and my plans for new years.

And that was that. I called Rex. We spoke. I didn't know what to make of it.

So new years comes around... and me, who hasn't let any boy near her since rex, ends up getting shitfaced and making out with the the only guy I've been close to for the past couple of months (maybe another blog to explain). I wake up with his arm draped around me, cuddled in close. Take a moment to focus through my headache as he kissed my neck and reach for my phone.

Text message from rex: "so did your new years go off with a bang?"

...mother effer.

My response? "It was definitely interesting"

Long story short, the next couple of days were very uncomfortable. I didn't have my best friend to talk to, I had rex texting every day, and I was still in shock from the recent turn of events. In the end my best friend and I went back to normal terms after i told him that although I didn't regret what happened, I didn't think of him in that way - which he agreed to feeling as well.

I met rex for dinner the following week. I asked him about the emotionless package, I told him almost everything I've blogged about here, and I basically got my closure.

I asked him "what now"

His response? "I want to see you, as much as you'll let me. Daily, weekly, monthly, whatever you're comfortable with."

And that's where we are now... I'm still confused. I still don't think we would work with each other. And I still don't know why I think about him all the time.

I thought this stuff went away after high school.

Hi Freddie

2010-11-13T13:07:00.002-05:00

The blog dies when controversy dies. It seems to come alive when I know someone's reading.

Hi Freddie, thank for coming by ;).

Rex called. He called, and we spoke, and we decided to break up. Something that left me feeling sad but relieved. We said we would continue to be in each others lives, and at some point in the next month we would meet up to exchange each others things left at our houses. We were honest. He told me he didn't know why he was acting the way he was, that he still thought I was perfect, I told him I thought he was still broken from his last relationship and he needed to deal with his thoughts on that before he could make a new one.

Things were good, he poked me a week later with a picture of his finished garage, to which I replied with my view from my hospital hidaway with coffee in hand. I called him a week later to set up a time to meet up -- no answer, left a message.

Two weeks later he hadn't called back, so I sent him a brief text "*insert my address here*, let me know when you send my things, hope all is well!"

No response text, and two weeks later I get a package. My things, no note, no nothing.

Rex is officially gone, without even so much as a goodbye.

It was the first time I cried since the break up.

I still have his things. I haven't mailed them to him yet... I can't bring myself to do it. Not only does he have a couple of LARGE object that are financially annoying to mail, but I can't bring myself to heartlessly put objects into a package and to mail them without a final word.

I've been staring at the box of his things for the past week willing myself to the post office. "Maybe I should just drive them over and drop them on his doorstep without him seeing me" I try to convince myself, "then he'll never have the chance to call about the things I never mailed." Other times I just want to send the box with the things easier to mail. Sometimes I'm ready to send a cold box with no note, other times I tell myself to be a bigger person and but a nice little poke in there, and other times, I want to tell him I miss him and write a quirky "you never returned my call." note.

So I sit there, and stare at the box, not knowing what to do. Not wanting to do the wrong thing. And not wanting to put myself out there, because I always told myself when a boy makes you cry - you move on.

To be or not to be...

2010-09-26T21:47:00.003-06:00

I'm undecided about how I will proceed with Rex... I wonder if it's because of all the excess baggage I carry.

I objectively don't think Rex and I will have a healthy relationship following whatever it was that occurred two weeks ago. I don't trust him, or have faith in his stability.

But at the same time I miss him.

To be honest I don't know if it's him I miss, or just someone. I want someone to spend my time with and plan a future with... I want someone to prove me wrong. To show me that I CAN trust them and have a happily ever after.

He'll be calling sometime this week... I'm dreading the day.
I'll keep you posted.

Wound care

2010-09-22T19:08:00.003-06:00

I've postponed continuing my blog because I've felt like I needed to explain rex and his importance to me at this point. But writing it all out was too hard, and describing him while we were good seems pointless now.

Know he came, he conquered, and right now we're on a "break."

Something I realize is permanent, I just haven't conveyed that to him yet, and I'm still trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do. The objective thing to do. The mature thing to do.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

I'm doing a lot of self assessment right now. I don't trust men. Period. Yet at the same time I want to marry my best friend. I WANT to trust them. I want one to prove me wrong. One to sweep me off my feet and mean it. That's probably why I'm so hurt and disappointed in the ending of Rex.

He did, in fact, sweep me off my feet, he made me believe him. I was definitely cautious, I was skeptical that his thoughts for our future together weren't firmly planted. I was very resistant at first... something he noticed and called me on often. "You still have your walls up, don't judge me based on the others." So I threw caution to the wind and let myself fall. Did I think I was falling in love with him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No, we thankfully took our "break" before I could let myself completely ruin myself by letting myself love another disaster.

Why the break? I don't know. He went after me guns a'blazin', wouldn't take no for an answer, would drive over an hour at 6am when I was post call leaving the hospital at 7 - to make me breakfast and cuddle up to me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. He would blow up my phone, texting me all day with cute little smiley face pictures showing me he was thinking of me - making each of them original, and creative. And every day I'd smile and think that I was being too cautious, maybe he meant it, maybe this would work.

He spoke of our life together, how he would move to be near me, how perfect I was, how he'd been looking for someone like me for so long, how he couldn't believe we were together, how he'd been so happy telling everyone I was his girlfriend.

Then one day it changed. Life for him got busy, he became stressed with his job, his finances, his constantly renovated home (current project being the garage) and my text happy, smile sending boyfriend was gone. We didn't talk (we were long distance, so it's pretty much all we had) "I hate the phone, you know that." I showed my unhappiness, "what's the point of having a long distance girlfriend, rex, if you don't know what's going on in her life?"

Until finally, the three day weekend I'd been looking forward to spending with him (my first and only in 3 months) was canceled.

Why?

"I don't know how I feel about us."

Which left me speechless, heartbroken, and I heard myself saying "I don't think I should come down this weekend."
His response? "Maybe that would be for the best."

stab me.

So we talked, and he kept re-stating how he didn't know what was wrong with him *insert bullshit here*, to which I listened quietly, thinking this was our break up. Heart broken.

I told him how hurtful his actions were, how I was so angry that I believed him - which he counters stating he doesn't know how he feels, and that he meant everything he said, *more bullshit inserted here*.

I joked about thankfully avoiding meeting his parents, and how it was a good thing we didn't buy our "couples" halloween costumes - to which he horrifically asked what I was talking about. "I don't want to break up, I'm just stressed, I need to get my head straight, can I have, I don't know, two week?, just to see where I stand?, I don't know what's wrong with me"

He doesn't get it, he thinks I'm still his girlfriend, and for the last week I've been thinking about facing him on our "talk date" telling him I'm not ready for this. I'm too old for this. I think he's a waste of time and too fickle for me to deal with this late in the game.

I'm just so upset I believed him, and that I not only have to face him again in the near future - but hear his "verdict" on how he feels about us. I don't know what'll be worse, him wanting to work it out, or him deciding we weren't meant to me.

Hearing either will break my heart.

I'm sick of my heart breaking.

I don't think it can take anymore.

I'm back

2010-09-15T18:54:00.002-06:00

It's been awhile... I know. Time has been short of late. Updates to the blog are needed.

In short, I am now a doctor. A full fledged, order writing, long coat wearing, medical doctor who now has her OWN medical students following her around.

It's weird.

One day you're an MS4 with enough slack to get away with knowing only something, the next you're an MD and expected to know everything.

My first order was 2 PRBC STAT written at 6:15am, because my first patient ever was bleeding out of her ass (literally, bright red blood coming out of rectum).

Holy. Shit.

ANYWAY, I guess I'm back for the same reasons I resorted to blogging in this anonymous forum to begin with... I have no one to talk to. I'm expected to be happy and content, without letting anything get to me. No one wants to hear my shit (at least I don't think so), and, as of yesterday (i'll update why) I'm sad... and I can't really explain why, to anyone.

This blog may or may not be medically related - it's always seemed to be relationship driven. My vocabulary has drifted to the medical side in life, words like "perforated" are normally used in conversation... annoying, I know, I can't help it, I apologize in advance.

Relationship wise, I haven't spoken to navy in over a year - we were friends for awhile and then he annoyed me and that was it. Perfect is still around, and no longer seen as perfect - however he's now considered a "back-up" vs. a goal... if that makes any sense. I need to explain Rex to the blog - he's the most recent new one (and the main reason I need to vent on my blog again). I can't think of anything else. I highly doubt anyone who read this before will read this now, but if anyone can think of anything - feel free to comment questions.

-me

It's about that time

2009-07-27T13:50:00.003-06:00

I made a twitter for the blog:
http://twitter.com/ywyk

Only I'll probably never link here. I'm probably just going to use it for the random asshol-ish things that come to my mind I wouldn't want anyone who actually knew me to know I was thinking. Kinda like this blog. The crazy me I hide from the world.

In other news, mother nature brought me a little gift one week early, and suddenly once my hormones stopped raging, I stopped fixating on bloviated as much. Excuse? Maybe... but I'll take it. I didn't like how crazy I was last week. Reminded me too much of my high school crushes on boys who never knew my name.

Also, I passed the boards I took earlier this year, and my next ones are a couple of weeks away. I should be studying.

-me

"Hi."

2009-07-26T08:25:00.003-06:00

I sat there speechless staring across the room at the most captivating stranger I'd ever encountered. No words were uttered as a smile formed on my lips, and I saw them mirrored on his. A hand was raised in a gesture of acknowledgment and returned in turn as I took in his face. I let my eyes travel from his familiar blue eyes, down his sunkissed nose to the dimples piercing each cheek in turn. I'd noticed them before, but not like this. They were the same, yet different. An entity all their own, drawing your attention to his perfectly formed smile; one that radiated warmth and recognition, with the edges raised only enough to help elevate the smile back to his eyes.

As the silence continued I realized he was watching my scrutiny with mild amusement, and I immediately averted my eyes. Warmth crept up my neck and flushed my cheeks as my nerves started to give way. I quickly diverted my attention to my friend and her endless ramblings about her boyfriend and their perfect relationship. I forced a smile and gave my responses at the appropriate times, all while quickly glancing back in his direction. He now seemed preoccupied with his hair, and after noticing it, so was I. It was perfectly messy, landing with precision into a layered tangled mess no matter how many times his hands ran through it. The motions of his hands were mesmerizing as he flipped his dark blond hair from one side to the next, unaware of how ineffective his movements were from altering each strand from it's predestined home, and how effective they were instead of drawing my attention back to him. He looked up again noticing my gaze and held it.

"Hi." he spoke smiling, shocking me with the familiar voice I'd come to associate with warmth, security and friendship, "Hi." I grinned back nervously, "I've missed you."

A fresh start

2009-03-25T14:53:00.002-06:00

When I started medical school I was a different person. I went out more and I had less responsibilities. Over the years I changed, and I think my friends at the time either stayed the same, or I saw them in a new light.

I have pretty much given up on most of my friends. It saddens me, but I think I put effort into the wrong people. I'd like to think I'm not a quitter, but when it saddens me to stay around certain people... enough is enough.

Here are some reminders to myself so that I don't make the same mistakes with future friendships:

- Shit talking, not ok
- If someone is rude/disrespectful behind someone else's back to you, be assured they're the same way with others regarding you.
- Stop divulging too much information out about yourself, and attempting to help people when it's obvious they're using you.
- Make people work for your friendship... remember it's a privilege.
- Stop being so dependent on people.
- Friendships don't have to be strained all the time, usually... it just flows.
- Never personally attack someone in a fight, discuss feelings, but personal attacks end friendships.
- Walk away when someone personally attacks you, they'll probably do it again.
- Never burn bridges, you'll never know who you'll need when.
- Never work to be someone's friend when their loyalties obviously don't lie with you. Acquaintances are far less demanding and emotionally confusing.
- A friendship, like all relationships, only forms when an opportunity presents itself. Act on it.

I think I have ADD... whatever I felt like venting is gone... meh
xoxo
me

Focus

2009-03-16T09:04:00.000-06:00

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15

I read this on postsecret this week, and immediately thought about what I was doing at that very moment. I HATE PROCRASTINATING, but I just CAN'T stop!!! I wake up early every day, I sit down with my books in hopes or preparing for my boards, and NOTHING. I browse the internet until noonish, eat, and then freak out and read/take practice tests for a couple hours before procrastinating again.

I hate myself.

Remember me?

2009-02-13T08:57:00.005-05:00

I've been meaning to write my dear blog, I really have... I just haven't had time. Promise.

Things are going well, I've missed you. I wish I could have written to you more, but there have been some complications. The most noteworthy was the death of my computer. I know, shocking. She had been so good to me. Luckily I was able to bring her back to life after four hard months in a rehabilitation center (read: repair shop) and as of yesterday we were happily reunited. It didn't even cost me 150,000 dollars like those freak people paid for their cloned dog - AND i got my original back, who needs clones... bah.

Amazing.

Anyhoo, I forget where I left off. I know I never told you about some things so I guess I could jump back there.

Navy came back. Sobbing. Literally. Drunk, at a tailgate in the parking lot outside a stadium, hiding behind a car... sobbing. I said no. Then I gave in and let him have a chance with the stipulation that he wasn't my boyfriend. He didn't like that. I'll give him credit though, he tried very hard for roughly 6 months. Last week we decided we weren't going anywhere - he actually gave up. We are trying to be friends. I'm pretty happy with the situation because it's technically what I wanted anyway. He just wasn't sexually attractive to me anymore, especially when I pictured him sleeping with other girls while he was actually my boyfriend oh so long ago. I also would get annoyed when he did anything nice for me or complained when I didn't give him enough attention because I'd remember what an ass he'd been and how he was capable of being nice and never was.

meh.

So now we're friends. We'll see how that works. I like him as a friend. Whatever.

I have less than six months until graduation... that scares the crap out of me. The second those two letters are tapped on to the end of my name there will be sooooo much responsibility associated with it. No likey.

I started writing this in the morning while I was bored and my attending was wandering about... and then bailed the second I saw her coming. It's now tomorrow and my sleep deprivation is starting to take its toll. Maybe I'll catch up more later... I just wanted you to know I was still alive.

xoxo
me

Sexy

2008-08-01T20:48:00.002-06:00

I have met the first man in my life that after being around him for a day all I could think about doing was sticking my tongue down his throat.

*blank stare*

I'm serious.

*blink*

ok ok, let me back up. He was part of the new group of surgical students coming through the hospital. When I first met him I didn't think he was very attractive, but a couple days in he started to hang around me a little more and... he drips sex. DRIPS. I think it started when I saw his arms when he took off his lab coat for a surgery... which immediately had me staring at his hands (not too hot) and had me staring at his arms again. That day he got my number, and plans were made to hang out that weekend. He didn't disappoint in regular clothes, and has maybe the most amazing body I've seen in a very. very. VERY long time.

The problem with men who drip sex is that they know it. Since then I've realized that he has girls EVERYWHERE. I'm pretty sure he has 2 girlfriends, and that thought alone had me back up a little and just happy with staring at him. We've had a nice flirtation going on at the hospital (which doesn't make me feel too guilty because he has 2 girlfriends) and saves me from actually contemplating tackling him and... sticking my tongue down his throat.

I just need to express that I've never thought someone like this existed. When I'm not around him I couldn't care less if I talk about him. But when he's around... I am so incredibly attracted to him it's ridiculous. I guess there are different categories. Handsome (which he's not), Hot (those are reserved for the ones you see and immediately want from down the street), Attractive (the ones that grow on you, I guess he could be that too), cute (like puppies!), and sexy.

It's scary being so attracted to someone. I know it's dangerous and have backed off... but still.

He.
Drips.
Sex.

Good thing my surgical rotation is over and I'm moving ;).

The smell of death is sour.

2008-07-24T19:38:00.004-06:00

I remember the first person I saw die.

I'm unsure of whether or not he was already dead before I got there. His pulses weren't palpable by that point and the only thing perfusing his organs was dr's and nurses pumping at his chest while yelling out orders for epinephrine, atropine and the rest of the ACLS protocol trying to restart his heart. All I remember is hearing the code, rushing to the room amidst all the other medical staff, seeing his roommate being wheeled out of the room, him laying on the ground in a pool of blood and the smell.

Death smells sour. It smells sour, putrid and vile. It's a smell that you'll never forget once you've been acquainted with it (kinda like C. diff... peeeuu!).

A code (and a trama) is like nothing you've ever seen. There are a gajillion nurses, techs, dr's and students running around trying to get all the things necessary to save someone's life. People are shouting, drugs are being passed around, IV lines are being secured, airways are being evaluated, etc etc. Every person has a role, and whoever doesn't crowds around the doorway ready to step in the second their needed.

Yesterday there was another code in the SICU. The first of our patients in 3 months to full on code, during transport no less. He stopped being responsive in the elevator from the telemetry unit en route to the SICU and the rush began. I heard the code while trying to get blood for some routine labs and booked it down there.

I saw the crowd as I ran up to the room and saw one of our interns pumping at the patient's chest while others we setting up a femoral line and doing the other necessary things to bring the patient back. The second I entered the room... I smelled it. It was like the first time only this time i knew what it was. I took over compressions putting my entire body weight on the man's chest. I felt one of his ribs break, I noticed my bangs getting into my eyes, and watched as his oversized obese belly flowed with every thrust I put into him.

I barely heard as the nurses shouted what drug was being administered next and watched as one of the residents attempted to insert a chest tube only to be greeted with a large stream of blood the second he entered the thoracic cavity. I can still see his eyes get wide as he stuck his entire finger into the hole to plug the faucet like rush of blood while he muttered "something's not right." I remember staring at the patients face... and remembering how blue he looked, "just like the first one" I thought, as someone started pulling me away from the body "switch out and take a break! You're panting." And someone else took over, as I wiped my forehead and realized I was covered in blood.

We kept doing compressions for the next 45 minutes, I administered epi, atropine, bicarb and etc during the breaks from compressions in an attempt to get his heart back on track. I watched as the attending removed clots of blood by the handful as he tried to clear the cavity for his lungs. He died at 11:37AM, due to a pulmonary artery rupture. He had no chance. The blood we gave him to bring him back was going in and being pushed right into his chest, they could feel the cold blood being put in come right back out... and all I could remember was the smell.

I smelled it on me all day. I washed my hands at least 30 times, afterwards before eating, during eating, etc etc. I could barely finish my lunch because I smelled it on me... it was... there. Ugh it was awful.

I hate it.

Medicine is only fun when you save lives...

Today was a good day

2008-07-10T20:52:00.002-06:00

I woke up at 5, scrubbed into 4 cases, helped with the breast clinic, went to class, afternoon rounding was pushed back to around 7 by a trauma that luckily ended well, and I found myself heading home, exhausted, and dreading the fact that I still had to run at 8pm.

So I dressed for the run (this means I have to go... no really), and made my way into my tiny nyc kitchen to make myself some instant coffee (it's not cheating!) to help energize me for my run. I go out on my crappy nyc balcony, sit on my crappy dilapidated/rusted nyc porch chairs... and realized the city was in complete view for once. (the view is the only thing I love about my place)

The weather had cooled down a little, and the normal haze that overlies the city had somehow been lifted. The sun was setting and the lights of the city were beginning to come out. The boats silently were making their way back into harbor, and it was...

The word perfect is reserved for situations like this.

A feeling of peace came over me.

Perfect weather, perfect view, not perfect instant coffee, and the realization that at that very moment, I was happy.

I gave myself that moment... I think it's called relaxing... it was amazing.

I think I only sat out there for 5 minutes... then I went for a run and huffed and puffed back home, showered, made plans for the weekend, and blogged.

Sometimes my spiritual self takes moments like this to thank god for giving her everything she has, and all the experiences she's lived through. Then my anti-religion side freaks out and wonders if she sounded like she was preaching.

Stupid shin splints

2008-07-09T13:25:00.002-06:00

I felt like I haven't written in awhile, and I would like to keep this blog updated... so I guess rambling is in order.

I've started running. This was in an effort to get in shape and shed some extra pounds. It felt good in the beginning, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Wanna know how much weight I've lost in 3 weeks? Nada... so along with running and changing my diet I am still at exactly the same weight I was when I was eating whatever I wanted and not huffing and puffing down the street every day. Brilliant. I'm trying to keep at it, but unfortunately I think I'm getting shin splints and with NYC's amazing sidewalks, I twisted my ankle on some uneven (read construction hell) pavement... boo.

I attempted to reach out to Navy before the holiday weekend began. I felt like 2 months was long enough and if I wanted to pursue a friendship sometime in the near future reaching a hand in that direction was in order. So I called him and yeah - definitely didn't work out. I'm thinking he's still not happy with me, or that i've overestimated him and he's just extremely immature. The latter is probably the most fitting, but I don't like thinking about it. It's sad. Operation keep navy as friend is being abandoned. Unfortunate... I really mean that, I miss him around.

I've decided on a field to pursue in my medical studies... I think (lets hope I don't change my mind again). It's very competitive but I think I can do it. I'm focusing all my studies around it, and if I make it - I'll be one very happy doctor. Cross your fingers everyone.

I've made friends with 2 of the girls living in my "house" with me.
One is a very stupid young girl who has a very cute body and not so cute face. She reminds me a lot of me in the way she rationalizes everything and how she views herself in the world. Mostly she reminds me of me in dealing with the boys (and I mean BOYS) in her life. I tried to give her a talking to - the kind where you're overly harsh and tell them to get over themselves - but I don't think it worked. It's amazing how much 3 years can make a difference in the way you see the world. She's fresh out of college and I look at her like a child. Is that odd? Am I growing up? God I hope not.
The other is trying to get into fashion and very into christianity. She kinda reminds me of sara on the real world - judgemental and stubborn, but means well. She's an awesome running buddy though, so that's a bonus :). She also has a very unique sense of style, which i love - meh, we'll see, I'm trying to get out of this "house" by the end of the month.

Perfect on paper is still around, and always decides to drop a line right when I stop caring if he'll contact me or not. He's confusing, but an option I'm going to keep open. If it's meant to be... it'll be, my life is too high paced right now to deal with him and the uncertainty of either of our lives pre-match.

Other than that, I don't know - there are some updates. I'm not miserable, so the overanalytical part of me is resting a bit. But don't worry - she'll be back soon, I can feel it.

Fair warning

2008-06-29T22:05:00.003-06:00

When walking through the west village on gay pride parade day - do not make eye contact with other females if you are straight. Heaven forbid you smile or give way in the mob - some girl might think you're hitting on her girlfriend and get offended.

HOWEVER! I did meet an amazing man named Lou who shared his umbrella with me during the major thunderstorm I go caught in right by the train station. He watched the parade with me and give me cute little tidbits to think about as the floats came by. He was probably the savior to my weekend, it's a shame he's gay ladies (also a shame that he's about 60) his gentlemaness (word?) was a breath of fresh air in this city. I heart Lou.

I do not, however, heart large breasted women walking down the street with their boobs hanging out... ew.

The end

No more dead log.

2008-06-24T17:50:00.003-06:00

I went out this weekend, and I forgot who I was. I put myself in situations I learned a long time ago never to put myself in... and it's like I forgot. I forgot who I was. I forgot how strong I was, and I made exceptions because I thought maybe I was feeling uncomfortable being single.

I've slept next to 3 guys in the past 4 days. Not in a sexual way, but "cuddled" non the less. They all made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to... but I thought that I only felt that way because the only man I'd slept next to for the past year and a half was navy... and before him there was no one (basic sciences makes it difficult to date).

I was kinda pushed into the situation because I was in the city, out, drunk, and crashed at a friend of a friend's place. Therefore his friend (whoever it was that night) thought they should do the obligatory move, and while the friend of a friend was hitting on my friend, the friend would make passes at me. Ugh. I'm so annoyed thinking about the situation(s) I put myself in.

Friday night, FOF (friend of a friend) is allowing my friend to spend the weekend with him while she's in town. We initially thought he wouldn't be there, which meant I brought my sleepover stuff to his apt (he was supposed to let us be using it while in the city) so she and I could do whatever we wanted. He's in love with her (she has a boyfriend) and skips his business deal in london to stay at home and try to be with her.

This means he wants to make all the plans (did I mention I really don't like him? He's 26, has new money, and absolutely no taste... not to mention arrogant) and doesn't understand that my friend and I are poor (hi, in medical school, 200k loan so far buddy, thanks). So he's taking us to all these popular expensive places in the city we can't afford, and LUCKY ME! he's inviting another male friend to keep me company it seems. So instead of hanging out with my friend friday night, I have to fight off this other equally obnoxious quality guy (also made a couple million this year, and expected me to be impressed while he told me about it... gag me) and be civil because all my shit is at FOF's house. Regardless the end of the night ends up with me cornered into sleeping in the same bed that the dude invited out for me... and although sleeping next to him wasn't bad - having him inhaling my hair, waking me up to ask me what shampoo I use ("it smells so good" *snarf*), and also waking me up by kissing me (ew gross loser, I'm sleeping! Not to mention even if you did have a chance, you probably should have initially tried to kiss me while I was awake) didn't fly by so well.

I scooted as far away from his as I could cursing myself every time he scooted near me, and played dead log all night hoping he'd give up trying to hook up with me

IDIOT! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION! WHAT IF HE WAS PSYCHO AND FORCED HIMSELF ON ME!

did I learn? No.

The next night I stayed thinking we were going to a house party where I would know people, but FOF had different ideas... again after pregamming at his house (i'm nice and toasty at this point) a random guy drops by and our plans have changed. I was more prepared this time and invited some friends to meet us up at the bar we ended up at, but FOF was equally slick and moved us around enough to where I couldn't keep up people around me to show up. UGH. I can't believe I was in this situation again.

This time though, when FOF's (new) friend tried to move in for a kiss (this one was more aggressive) I bit him.

You heard me.

Then I laughed at him and ran off.

He thought I was flirting...

I guess I kinda let him. I think I didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable... I don't know, I was drunk. ugh.

Anyhoo, I continued to play nice after that (I did bite him pretty hard) and thought he got the point when I told him I don't kiss strangers (I just bite). We continued our fun drunkeness... him not trying to kiss me again while I was awake, but then again - I ended up having to sleep in the same bed as FOF's random friend.

So I tried passing out again like a dead log (I am such an idiot) while this fool is rubbing my back, and passing his hands over my boobs. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! Why did I just lay there? And then I passed out, uncomfortable, with him kissing at my neck, cringing.

Have you noticed I haven't mentioned kissing any of these guys while awake - nor have I mentioned letting them get close enough to do anything else with the exception of the biting?

ugh.

And last night, a guy I've known for a long time came over... he randomly came into town to see a girl he's "dating" - I don't know what they are. He called me and asked if he could crash - I tell him of course... he shows up, and when the light goes off he starts rubbing my back. Now I'm very comfortable with him, and know he's touchy feely, but i dunno - the backrub turned into a full body rub... and i dunno - it was weird. Much weirder when I wake up to him kissing my back while I was sleeping, and again another man passed his hands over my boobs... and again I laid there as if I didn't know it happened cringing the whole time.

This is how girls get raped.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I had something like this happen to me back in college...

a guy who was friend's with the dude my roommate was hooking up with at the time came into my room while I was sleeping. I didn't lock my doors back then... and I slept naked. He climbed into bed with me and tried to hook up with me... I never asked him to leave, and when he started touching me I only fought him off for a little before I turned into the dead log. I let him touch me and forcibly fought him off me while he tried to sleep with me. Luckily he didn't... and I didn't tell anyone till a week later I while ignoring my roommate and having her confront me, I blew up crying and told her. The more I let myself think about it the angrier I got.

I don't know why I turn into the log... but I taught myself then that things like that aren't ok. If a guy is making you uncomfortable, it's ok for you to make him uncomfortable. No one should ever make me feel the way I feel when things like this happen... and I have no one to blame but myself.

I should have said something.

I should have taken myself out of that situation.

I should never have been in that situation.

And it definitely wasn't because these guys weren't navy, it was because these guys were creeps (yes, even unfortunately my friend... I don't know what to say to him, ugh) and I was a coward.

I am an idiot.

Monsoon!

2008-06-19T21:42:00.003-06:00

I decided to go running. I sucked it up, made a play-list, mapped out a measly 1 mile route (what? I need to start slow) and stuck a hill (aka: the stair master on crack) right at the 200-300 meter mark and went on my merry little way.

I did well for the first half of the run, but right when my initial energy was fading and the end was too far away to be an ideal goal to push for - something happened. Something that felt like 80 mile per hour winds and the sky opening up and dumping water on me (ok maybe it wasn't that bad, but it felt like it).

So there I am in my skimpy shorts and tank up, gasping for air while taking baby steps, and a bucket of cold water is dumped on me from heaven itself with a mixture of scary wind and an immediate sun to no sun turnaround of about... mmm... 30 seconds? GAH.

Around this point I hit the hill... fucking hill.

So I try to make it up this DAMN hill, and I can't, people are running around around me trying to get shelter and I'm so miserably tired/oxygen deprived from pushing myself the previous half mile (woe is me!) that I can barely walk let alone climb this thing.

I hate my life.

I make it up the hill, run (think baby steps again while gasping for air) back to my tiny apt, quickly make my way inside, catch my breath (yes I almost puked thank you), look at the window and what do i see?

The sun.

The fucking sun.

Thank you freak storm for making my life miserable for that 10 minutes.

ugh.

Running

2008-06-13T16:43:00.001-06:00

I love when I get into the running groove... i love the way my body feels tight the next day, how i'm more aware of my posture, how I feel like I'm getting in shape.

However, I hate getting INTO that groove. Hate it. I hate trying to get out there to run. I hate how miserable I feel I look when gasping for air the first couple of weeks, and I hate how much I suck at keeping my pace. If anything I think it's more of an anxiety dealing with how people will perceive me attempting to run vs. getting into the actual groove.

Therefore I put off getting back into my running groove, even though I REALLY want to.

I've said I haven't gone in awhile because I haven't set up my itunes... today I meant to... but I fell asleep :/

I'll keep you all updated... hate it.

Instant happiness for $1

2008-06-11T16:23:00.005-06:00

Whew, I can't even read through that old post it sounds so angry. The conclusion we (and I mean my best friend and I) have come up with is that I've never spit all of that out in one sitting. I've mentioned almost everything in there before, and I've lead up to that post, but when it finally came out it was angry... Maybe angry at navy for never letting me tell him how I felt? I dunno. I am a complex individual and the first to mention that I have no idea why I act/do/think/feel anything.

meh

anyhoo... I'm sitting here, sprawled out in bed, still in my work scrubs, with a million things I told myself I would do when I got home... and all I can do is groan at myself when I finally try to will myself to move.

The only thing that might get me out of bed is 1. the ice cream man (i heart popsicles) or 2. one of two $1 candy bars I bought from a nurse at work for her child's marching band.

Hersheys and reese's are awaiting me... mmmmmmmmmmm
:)

Happy birthday navy

2008-06-09T20:03:00.003-06:00

I've restrained myself from contacting you, or letting you see any aspect of my life... and I hope you're doing well. I honestly mean that. Though I don't know how mutual our break up was, I'd like to think that you walked away from it thinking it was your idea... that was always the plan.

I should have broken up with you after chicago. After you lied to me about S and how much time you were spending with her. I should've broken up with you when you made such a big deal about going to the navy ball, and then after I finally agreed decided we shouldn't go. I should have broken up with you when you weren't supportive during my exams. I should have broken up with you after that big fight we had on new years where you left me at the metro station drunk and freezing - even though you said you were just hailing a cab. I should have broken up with you when you left me at the bars because you thought I was flirting with your friend, and left me to sleep on his couch the night I made my first attempt at breaking it off - the same night you looked at me with those red eyes, begging me not to go in the tighted bear hug of all time. I should've done it long before, but I unfortunately made the mistake of loving you, and wanting you to be ok with the break before it happened.

I never saw us together, you're uneducated, unmotivated, and only focus on appearances. You have no money management skills, nor any conception of the future and your role in it. The only reason we were together initially was because I was lonely, and the only reason I committed was because you worked SO HARD for me that I thought in some weird way you saw something in me I didn't. But the second I became comfortable, brought down all my walls, and let you in - I'd left for chicago and you became... bored? Whatever it was you lost whatever drive you had to keep me... and the examples cited above ensued. Instead of attempting to fix us you closed off, and whatever was missing inside you, you put on me, and blamed me for your unhappiness. You stopped working for us, you gave up - and unfortunately it seems to be a character trait I expected from you.

You're unconfrontational, your morals are questionable (concerning the B/B situation) and in some ways I look at you like a coward. You lie when confronted by a situation you don't want to be in, you look the other way when you should stand strong, and you're not someone who can ever make it in the world you dream of living in because the character you play isn't really who you are. Your advice was ALWAYS wrong with the exception of what car to buy or sports stats... both fields I find extremely boring.

These are all the flaws I saw in you when I made that list. The one I gave you with the pros and cons of us during my first attempt. I didn't list all of the ones I've listed... but I put a few that I thought you could maybe work on. You never did. Your pros took longer to think of... the only things I could think of were 1. I love him, 2. thinks I'm beautiful, 3. Loves me. And 3 was put only because I felt the list was too short...

I really did love you, and I really do want the best for you. But I look at you knowing that you're a train wreck in the making. You need to cut back on your drinking, take your schooling (the one I forced you into) more seriously, think about what you're going to do for the rest of your life and make some long term decisions. You need to pay off your debt, stop hanging out with the trash you call friends, and know your potential. For once in your life do something worthwhile. If anything I think completing your packet to be an officer is perfect... I don't see you making anything out of yourself at this point in your life. You're hopeless. You depend on others to make decisions for you, and if you make any decisions for yourself they're normally hopelessly positively marked for failure... which is unfortunate, because you deserve better.

You have a good heart, a little selfish at times, but if you're passionate about something - I'm sure you could make a difference. You mean well, you just need... something, you're missing something. I don't know what it is. Maybe you just haven't grown up, maybe you care too much about what others think about you, maybe - maybe you're just not THERE yet - but you could be. I've always told you that. You could be something great... you just need to realize it.

So why am I writing this in my blog and not sending it to you? Why am I venting like some girl with a grudge when I'd been planning our break up for at least 8 months before it actually happen? Why did I wait the 8 months and not just break it off? Maybe because I had/have hope. It use to be hope for us, and now it's just hope for you.

You don't need to hear this from me. I'm the ex girlfriend. Someone who is expected to see all your faults and whose opinion may be brushed off as a rant if approached in the wrong manner. So I've never told you and will see if sometime in the future, sometime when we might actually be friends again, when our relationship is behind us and words like this wont be considered games - I'll see if I can help you. I'll tell you what I saw now and what I'll be seeing then. I'll be there because I love you. I really do - I may not be in love with you, and I might not have been for awhile... but know that I do want the best for you. These words aren't meant to be hurtful... and they're not being spat out due to any anger or resentment towards you... they're meant to be truthful and have come from months of realizing why you and I would never end up together.

I was miserable with you, because I only cared about fixing you - somehow I forgot about myself.

So happy birthday navy
May this coming year be better than your last...

Unremarkable

2008-06-07T21:11:00.002-06:00

My week has been unremarkable. My car is still missing, and I think I'll be using my insurance money from it to pay for this semester of school.

My friend came to visit and we went out last night with friends of hers in the area. They're in the business field, and doing quite well for themselves. I met a guy I might have been interested in except that he's short (as in my height when I wear heels) and jewish (they tend to only want their fellow jews to settle down with). He was however very successful, good looking, and not skeezy. I actually had a very good time last night :) so I'm happy. *side note* we saw marissa tomei out afterwards and for being in her 40's she looks younger than I do. I need to be doing whatever she's doing - incredible.

I've realized my sleepiness has been the fact that I lack a set schedule. Being on call sucks, waking up early sucks, and attempting to study throughout the whole process sucks. I only have 2 more months of this and I should be fine :) - yay more sleep. I'm trying to figure out my following cores so that I can stay here longer, but things aren't looking too good. If it all works out I'm already plotting my escape from my crappy apt and looking forward to a nicer area haha, we'll see.

anyhoo - i'm boring when my life doesn't have emotional conflict... will update more when I start feeling cookey

:( bye bye car

2008-06-01T13:07:00.002-06:00

My car was stolen friday night. Miserable.

Where I come from when a car goes missing from a lot, you assume it's been towed. Not my luck in this case. I come back to my car (only parked for 3 hours) to find it missing, and being told be a very nonchalant cop that "it's probably stolen" - said with a shrug and a roll of his eyes.

I start crying, he looks like me with that "deer in the headlights" look and mutters something about trying to figure things out. He then asks the parking attendant if it was towed... big help thanks. I then filed a report and was sent away with a "we'll call you if it turns up."

I think I only teared up for a good minute or 2 before I went numb, and I've been numb ever since. My lack of caring seems to be concerning me more than my missing car. Why am I not upset over this? Why am I not worried? Is there something wrong with me? I never thought I was desensitized to anything... I've always been a crybaby (at least in my eyes) and now nothing. No more thoughts of the car, no worrying the cops will call, no nothing.

Is that a sign of something deeper? Maybe I'm turning off my emotions to help me deal with navy. I've noticed myself changing songs on the radio when they give me that little ping in my heart - refusing to let myself think of what could have been. I've seen myself change TV channels when something romatic comes on, not wanting to see anything that will make me think romance of that nature is real... but I never thought I was numbing myself. The only emotion I've let myself really feel lately is anger (some stupid medicinist at the hospital showed a little attitude, I let it get to me a little too much).

I also slept in today till 1pm - god I hope i'm not depressed.
Miserable.

Connections

2008-06-01T12:59:00.002-06:00

Do you think people have connections? Like when something happens to someone, someone else can feel or sense it?

I totally believe it. My family creeps people out. My mother has the uncanny ability to always call and check in on me (while staying at home) when I'm seconds from turning into our driveway. Friends pick up their cell phones to call me and find me already on the other line calling them without their cell phones ringing.

The other night my car got stolen, and I get a call from 5 (5!) friends the next day who all claimed to have a dream about me the night before and thought they should check in.

So is it odd that some nights I have dreams about navy... and feel like I know when he's with someone else, or thinking of me? The former has happened twice, both on saturday nights, the latter is more of a feeling of calm that comes over me...

Now I know it sounds crazy, but blogging is a way to let out all your crazy beliefs without fear of judgement or criticism... even re-reading this I think it's crazy, but whatev... I'm allowed to be crazy sometimes.

Now I should probably blog about the stolen car...

Perfect on paper

2008-05-28T15:26:00.002-06:00

I've met my perfect on paper man.

You know, the one that when written down and presented before you sounds like exactly what you would ever dream in finding in a man. The one you made a check list about with your best friend in 7th grade, promising if you ever found him you'd get married in a heartbeat (i use to have "be a virgin" on the list, lol, i scratched that one off).

The one who is a soon to be doctor, from the same culture, has the same interests, likes to party but isn't a big partier, who see's the big picture, knows the world is too big for him but tries to conquer it anyway, the one who loves his family as much as you love yours, knows why his past relationships are in his past, and knows that someone like you is exactly what he needs to have in his future. The one who thinks 10 years in advance, and talks about marriage as a soon to be event, not with dread like the others.

So I found him.

I found him while dating navy to be exact. I developed a crush instantly (the last person that happened with was... actually it was crazy CPE - i didn't like any of the others initially) and looked for him around the hospital during morning rounds, noon conference, and plotted how to sit near him or in a range where he would have to see me. I had a boyfriend so I didn't get too close, nor did I let my rapidly developed crush on him be seen, but I definitely got close enough so that I could keep in contact with him after the rotation ended.

He coincidentally at that time also had a girlfriend (a blonde go figure) who he broke up with about 2 months before I parted ways with navy. So while he was dealing with his break up with her, I was plotting my soon to be ending relationship with navy, and while I've been dealing with my break up with navy he's been slowly calling more, checking in more, and just seeming to be around more.

The thing that gets to me is that usually when I enter a relationship (not that i will be in this situation) the guy is gung ho after me. It's like a drug you can't get enough of. They're always trying to check in, see me, call me, do everything with me - me me me. But this guy -- not so much. I talk to him maybe once a week, he's like me - busy in medical school. He's a year ahead of me, has the same drive and ambition as me, and -- whatever he's perfect on paper.

So sometimes I want him, and sometimes I don't. I'm a very confused little girl. Today I'm post call, which means I've been in the hospital for the past 30 hours doing scut work and fending off CS. I come home, pass out, and today (OF ALL DAYS!) he decides he wants to chat me up - I'm not having it. I can't think of anything to say, I don't feel like talking, I'm happy in my lonely shitty nyc apt and the attention I've been craving from him isn't wanted at the moment...

But he's my perfect on paper, he's the only guy I've ever met and thought to myself "I could marry this guy." (yes I did freak out when I thought about something like that, but I also freaked out last night on call in the NICU when I saw the cute little preme's and though "I want one" - shoot me).

:( gah.

BTW other things I want to blog about - mini note to me
- subway stairs
- upper west side
- nyc tourists.

A surgeon's hands

2008-05-22T17:52:00.003-06:00

I've always had some kind of fixation with hands. I like a guy with strong large hands. I don't know how it happened, but after getting to know a guy and while at the point where I'm trying to figure out if I REALLY find him attractive, I stare at his hands... Maybe it has something to do with the hand/penis urban legend. Who knows. I like a firm hand.

Cocky surgeon (mentioned earlier because of my annoyance with his forwardness) has been very unappealing to me. The only reason he seems to get my attention is that he's tall (I'm a sucker for tall guys) and built looking under those scrubs. He will give me his full attention (unwanted most times) at one moment and ignore me the next. He's pretty good at the game, I'll give him that...

So while on call last night, the uncomfortable i'm hitting on you/ignoring you game began. My partner finds it highly amusing, and around 2 am while coming off my caffeine kick, something odd happened.

We were called to place a foley. I was supposed to do it (practice makes perfect) but the pt didn't like the idea of a foley shoved up his penis, and CS (cocky surgeon) ended up doing it. While placing a foley, the environment needs to be sterile. Sterile mat, sterile foley, sterile gloves. When CS was setting up the area I got to watch him put on his gloves.

It was hot.

I only think I found him attractive in that moment (while staring at his uber hot surgeon hands) because I think that's how he was the most comfortable. A surgeon's hands are their life, and while I stood there watching him standing tall in his scrubs, lab coats and gloves - he was exactly where he was going to stay the rest of his life. He was stable in that moment. Maybe that could be it right?

Or I just think tall dr's with latex gloves on are sexy - :)

Later while seeing a case in the ER he hit on me again and the magic was gone.

Pity

Stop pretending

2008-05-20T16:32:00.002-06:00

I need to stop. I am at the peak of self evaluation and self assesment right now. Sometimes I wonder if I'm best to myself when I'm miserable - because I actually take the time to look at myself and figure out what's wrong with me. I start doing things for myself, I start acting for myself, I see myself.

What do I see?

A broken excuse of a girl who is expected to be a woman and understand all aspects of life from a logical and ethical stand point yet has no idea what's going on with herself or those around her.

I'm scared.

I'm scared to become a doctor and have someone's life in my hands, I'm scared of ending up alone and childless (yes I admit it), I'm scared that navy's easy return to singlehood means I'm easily forgettable and meant nothing to him, and I'm scared that in some way I have some kind of social abnormality where only those who aren't close to me like me, but the second I let people in they run away screaming.

I'm scared I'm a complete contradiction and will never be able to fix myself.

I scared that I'm only happy when I'm alone, and that is the only time I take care of myself because it seems that in a relationship I only care about the person I love (which unfortunately isn't me).

I re read old posts and I sound cocky - I'm definitely not. I think maybe it's me talking to myself. Telling myself the reality I should live in. I go through phases where I know how I should be, who I am, and what I'm worth. It seems like it's only those times I blog - not for others to read, but for myself.

I'm SCREAMING at myself that I AM WORTH IT. I AM AMAZING. I DESERVE EVERYTHING I WANT.It's those times when I read, re read, and believe my posts.

I read it as though my mentor is talking to me. Yes, you're right, I do deserve more. How dare anyone see me for less than I am. RAWR. Me strong like bull.

But I'm not cocky nor self assertive. I devalue and put myself down daily. I don't see how amazing I am, I constantly think I could be smarter, prettier, BETTER than I am. I settle on people... navy for example... because they put effort into me, and that means they think I'm special. It takes awhile for the wall to come down, but when it does it's a bitch to rebuild.

Why is this true? Example:
Let's see everything I've done for MYSELF since ending the navy era:
- Cut hair
- Moved to NYC, living alone (though this was already planned in advance... meh)
- Bought nice new super high tech phone
- Started eating healthy
- Joined gym
- Bought the hot pink nail polish I've been craving for 4 months and painted my nails.
- Gave self a mini spa, including waxing and fun facial things I had bought 8 months ago.

I become miserable only when I think of other's images of me, and only think they see the worse. My self esteem is HORRIBLE, even when I have people constantly telling me how beautiful, smart, giving... etc, I am. I don't know why I don't believe them. Maybe I think they have to say that. I guess I take it for granted. I find myself blogging about how so and so hit on me and how it annoys me - why don't I appreciate the attention I get? Why do I brush it off and then wonder why I'm alone? Why do I break up with someone knowing its never going to go anywhere, and becoming upset that he's not broken after I left?

GAH!

Therefore I demand you all love me. Now. I mean it. I am amazing. Can't you see? I know everythiing, and I know I'm awesome. :)

Good now that we all see eye to eye... I'll leave you to think of me.
Always.
Me.
ME ME ME.

Birthday

2008-05-18T11:29:00.002-06:00

I am trying very hard not to let my jealousy get to navy. I asked him not to call me after the break up and I haven't contacted him. I don't want to play games with him, and I'm good at those. Sometimes my pride steps in and I just want to win. I want to make sure it's me they always want... and that sucks. It's not right, and it's not fair - I know it, and I'm trying not to let it happen.

But his birthday is coming up, and I do love him - though I'm not in love with him, I care about him a lot. I've been debating contacting him. Just because it'll open up a bottle of worms that I don't know if I want or am ready to clean up. I want him to forget me in a way and find someone else, but I want him to understand I care about him, a lot, and although we're not speaking at the moment eventually, after I'm past all this, I want a friendship.

I've decided a text message is the best method.

Now the context of the text message is a biggie. There are variations I can send...

1. Happy birthday
- non personal, no emotion, and may seem like i'm just sending it to send it
2. Happy birthday dimples
- more personal, pet name may be taken the wrong way, or may make him smile, shows i care
3. Happy birthday dimples, love you
- games. games games games. how I feel but will definitely cause drama. May or may not get a response... but shows that i still care about him.

I'm siding with 2, but I keep wanting to send 3.

I suck

I discriminate

2008-05-16T21:35:00.003-06:00

Surgeons have a 200% divorce rate.

Yes, that means they get married, divorced, married again and then divorced again.

Surgeons are horny.

I was warned about them prior to this rotation. One of my interns in medicine was dealing with her break up from this amazing rising surgeon rotating through hopkins. Apparently he went from her to one of her good friends - a very messy situation.

Day one of my rotation I could tell by the looks I was getting that everything I heard about surgeons are true. Not only have I heard about certain residencies priding themselves on 100% of the surgeons entering their system getting divorced (and being proud of it), but I've seen the cocky I want to get in your pants routine way too often this past week.

Last night on call I was unfortunately on call with an intern who decided that I was going to be the fresh meat he would try to tackle first. Within minutes of free time (around 12am) he was trying to establish if i was dating my partner (this guy from basics I've known since the beginning), if I had a boyfriend, and what I was doing tonight (friday night).

I avoided the boyfriend question, my partner and I laughed about the two of us being together, and I attempted to be vague about my whereabouts last night. Unfortunately the intern had other ideas. Seeing as how he wasn't getting anywhere by asking questions when the medical students were around him together (we usually do things by teams btw - and I would let my partner answer all questions) he cornered me in the on call room when my partner left to get some water.

Scene: On call room, 3 beds (tiny), me curled up - face covered,
Intern: so you coming out tomorrow night?
Me: I don't know yet
Intern: come on, lets go out, I'm inviting you
Me: I mean, I'm living _______ so if I headed out there I'd probably have [my partner] find me a place to sleep - I'm too suburban for this city, everything scares me - especially at 4 AM
Intern: How about you can sleep at my place?
Me: Umm... we'll see what happens
Intern: (i don't really remember what he said) *insert guilt trip here about him being my intern and inviting me out and blah blah*
Me: ok ok ok I'll try

later:
Me: *informing partner of what happened* cover for me
Partner: shit, i'll just say I couldn't come pick you up
Me: don't give him my number
Partner: Don't be mean, he's going to be grading you
Me: shit.

The unfortunate thing is that this guy is uber smart and tall (not very attractive, but I'm trying to stay away from hot guys, they always end up being too stupid for me) and had he gone about asking me out the normal way, like saaaaaaaaaay dinner, I would have probably accepted - rebound dates are awesome when you've just broke up with someone. But him trying to get me to some ritzy club in nyc and planning on taking me back to his place afterwards after only being on call with me for 3 hours makes me think he's not being very sincere in his actions.

I don't like being treated like a piece of meat. A guy who attempt to get to know me prior to taking actions on my looks goes much further than a guy who I can see staring at my ass a mile away.

I'm staying away from surgeons from now on. Their reputations seem to be too true for my liking - I don't need that right now.

Reality

2008-05-14T18:02:00.002-06:00

So here's what I actually think everyday when I'm not alone and thinking about the weight of the world of my shoulders. I've only had about 1-2 weak moments (I've blogged both thank you) and honestly, I think I've taken this break up amazingly well. Point being:

I love navy, but I don't want to be with him and don't see a future with him.

Many of the things he does annoy me. Since the beginning of the relationship he never answered any questions right. When asked what his plan was for the rest of his life I got silence. "You know that's not like me, I always have a plan, I guess I have to think about it," was his response... I guess he's still thinking... He was anal, stubborn, and didn't think outside the box. Everything had to be planned, and he never wanted to do spontaneous fun things liiiike - randomly go for a drive the scenic route, or go snowboarding instead of being holed up all day.

Our conversations were dull, he only liked to talk about sports, hated discussing politics, would never talk about his day, didn't gossip, and found no interest in the medical field at all. When I would learn something new he would never let me talk about it, he would yawn or tell me he didn't want to hear about gross things like that. I wasn't allowed to practice physical exams on him because they would freak him out. He didn't understand when I had to study, and the classes he was taking he didn't care about - I think he earned C's in them. I was mortified that someone didn't care what their grade in a class would be.

After awhile I realized yes, he did work very hard to get me, but then when he got me it took only about a month and a half before he didn't really "care" anymore. Or should I say, he stopped trying and was just... there. That was around october... and since then it's been a battle. From then forward it was me reaching for him, not a happy medium or give and take. I eventually got sick of it and tried to break it off...

but the problem was that I still loved him, and when his big all american blue eyes that never cry looked at me red and brimming with tears... I knew I wouldn't be able to stay true to the break up.

That night I told my best friend that if anyone was going to end navy and my relationship, it would have to be navy. I was just going to scout for something new in the mean time.

I guess I did scout a little, I'd get crushes here and there, but navy was still number 1. It wasn't a factor of if navy and I would end, but when. But during that time I realized, I can't deal with going from this to something else. I had amazingly attractive smart guys who didn't know about navy trying to talk to me - and I couldn't bring myself to be THAT girl. The one that went from one thing to another.

Towards the last month navy began to see the inevitable end. He tried harder, did things for me he usually didn't but he knew would get brownie points for, but eventually I think he gave in too.

Last night I went on a networking site after speaking to his mother and scouted his page. I'm proud to announce that although seeing the pretty tiny little blonde's messages on there gushing about how she had a great weekend with him hurt - it was just reality. I hope she's nice, and I'm happy that he's able to get himself out there. It showed me that this was where he needed to be. He was a chaser, he still into mainly sexual interests, and I'm - i'm not. I'm looking for someone I can marry - not someone I can just fuck.

I really do love him, I really do want the best for him, and I know that he's just not the right guy for me. I just hate that I still feel jealous for a guy that hasn't really been my boyfriend for such a long time, and happy for him at the same time.

I just don't get it.

Navy's mom

2008-05-13T18:59:00.002-06:00

I would repost the e mail she'd sent me when she found out navy and I broke up, but i deleted it to prevent myself from torturing myself with it.

However I've told myself to type in here instead of bitching to friends whenever anything navy related goes down sooo...

Tonight I called navy's mom to get her e mail to send her some pictures i had from when their family came to visit. The pictures hadn't been going through, and i wanted them off my phone. I definitely thought i could handle it. I definitely couldn't. I definitely cried (cringe) and tried to hide it miserably. She told me she thought i was going to be her daughter in law, and that her son was a moron. I told her it was for the best and that he needed this time to be single and do everything he had to before he met the girl he was going to marry. She told me she was framing a picture to put up of me and him from when he was in his uniform for him to see when he came home. I told her that probably wasn't a very good idea.

Whenever I think about how shitty navy was at times, I'm happy I'm no longer with him. But then I let myself remind myself how cute he was sometimes, and I miss it.

I am so freaking up and down. Who breaks up with a guy she still loves but knows she definitely doesn't want to be with?!

Bye bye Navy

2008-05-12T17:09:00.003-06:00

I've been prolonging writing this blog - though now I feel like it would've been much more interesting for me to come back to if I wrote daily after the break up.

I broke up with navy exactly one week ago, on a monday morning, over the phone, and haven't spoken to him since.

I think it was mutual...

I could fill this blog with why i should have and all the reasons why it's right, but I've decided to do the harder thing and tell you why it hurts. I haven't let myself see that, and it's so much easier to type this out to an annoymous group of people vs. telling a friend who probably wouldn't understand or want to hear my complaints anyway - because it's right, and because everyone's happy I've finally dumped him... mutually... we broke up mutually - i think he wanted it too...

So here we go:
It hurts because for a year and a half I loved him.
It hurts because he tried so hard to get me, and eventually didn't care that he was losing me.
It hurts because I love his dimples, and poking them while he puffed out his cheeks to hide them from me.
It hurts because his mother e mailed me the day of the break-up telling me i was a part of her family, and she was hurt and shocked that we were not together.
It hurts because I couldn't talk to her about it.
It hurts because I don't want to see him with anyone other than myself, I can't see him touching another girl, kissing her, or saying anything to her that I want to hear him tell me.
It hurts because I love him, even though we would never have a future together.
It hurts because I want to be with him, but know nothing has changed, and that I need to walk away and let him be with another girl so that he and I can both be happier.
It hurts, and I haven't let anyone see it.
It hurts because it's the first time I've really loved someone and walked away because it's for the best.

I haven't let anyone see me cry. When I tell people we broke up and they clap and exclaim "finally!" or "good!" or "thank god, you can do so much better" I shrug and give a little smile. I haven't called him, and asked him never to call me. I can still hear him whispering into the phone after I told him it would be easier "I can't promise that." I can't forget him staying those 4 words. They repeat in my head every night before bed.

I deleted every e mail from him, in my inbox and the trash - so that I couldn't read them over and over to torture myself. I deleted him and his friends from online networking sites, so that I couldn't get any updates of pictures of him out with friends - and so that he didn't see me doing anything, IF he decided to peek in and I had somehow moved on and went on a date.

I went through my voicemail and deleted his messages... one having been sent only 3 days prior that also replays in my head every night because of sweet and happy he sounded.

So now I'm in a state of limbo. During the day I'm fine, it's the nights where I get miserable and sappy. I've had 2 people express interest, and though I haven't fought them off... their advances are unwanted. For the first time after a break up I'm not bouncing back. I'm not trying to get another boyfriend quick to replace this one. Any other man calling me at night or text messaging me feels like an imposter. It just feels wrong, and awkward... and fake. Their advances anger me in a way - do they really think that after a long term relationship I could just jump back into the swing of things, or show them any sort of interest at all? Annoying.

I want to be alone... and heal...

Oh yeah, and after the break up I cut my hair 5 inches, bought a new blackberry (SO COOL!), just started surgery, and I moved to the big city, with a view of the water and lady liberty herself.

All within the last 7 days... how's that for a quarterlife crisis.

Heads or Tails?

2008-04-18T11:01:00.002-06:00

Remember when you were filling out college applications? You'd write/rewrite your essays, then check all the appropriate boxes mindlessly - yet when it came to picking your major you'd hesitate. At least I did. Biology, no premed, no marketing, no no definitely biology, but if i pick blah i'll have a better chance getting in - yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I'm there again, only in the real world.

People keep asking me what field I want to go into. Do I want to go into Internal Medicine or Family medicine? Pediatrics or OBGYN? Surgery or specialization? And every day I decide that I'm definitely going to focus towards one - and change my mind the next. Mainly because the decision lies in financial/personal security - or moral goals that drove me into the field to begin with.

I want to be a doctor because I want to help people. I want to go to places in this world where people can't take care of themselves. I want to organize charities, help distribute clothes, treat people who don't have the luxury of having a doctor nearby and give back to a world that has so much potential. I want all this but sometimes reality hits me - I can't do it feasibly with the perfect cookie cutter life I've envisioned for myself.

I am a woman, and eventually I'll need to get married and have kids. Can I find a husband willing to travel with me? One who doesn't mind the pay cut? What about children - I can't move them around while I go into dangerous surroundings -- let alone HAVING them, an epidural is a MUST, I don't like pain, 3rd world countries don't look to appealing.

Medicine seems to be the best choice for the charitable side of me. It allows me to work in the hospital with the sick - those with common ailments that go bad. It doesn't pay much compared to the other fields unless I start my own practice later in life - and unfortunately will leave most of my debt unpaid until i'm in my 40's it seems. But it would allow me to learn a broad variety of treatments that could allow me to maybe go to these desolate places and help the best I'm able. I would be seeing patients daily, regardless of mood or choice.

Radiology attracts the selfish cookie cutter wannabe mom inside of me. They make a very good salary with the least amount of time away from home. In fact - I could set up office from home while popping out babies and watching soap opera's all day. It has the least interaction with patients and more family time - which as a mother, I would be keen on. But it makes me feel like I would be copping out if I took that route.

Sometimes I try to dream of my future. I'd be doing IM and have my own practice. I'd have picked up some extra specialties like reading xrays (hello more debt and more school), and maybe help with bills by doing botox here and there I'd be travelling to 3rd world countries every summer with my now older children and very disposable husband who's job lets him roam around for 3 months at a time.

Even as I re-read this entry, I still don't think I make any sense. I just need to figure everything out...

I have a doctor's without borders meeting next week - I'll keep this updated.

Later :)

2008-04-07T22:01:00.001-06:00

Earlier

2008-04-05T17:52:00.000-06:00

Annnnd - I'm back

2008-03-23T00:54:00.003-05:00

So I've passed my test, let go of insecurities, and have only a year and some change to go in school (yaaaay!).

Lets put up some updates.

- Navy:
Nothing has been the same since I left for chicago. The way things went down while I was studying has changed us. We use to be perfect, at least now when I look back on it, but now we're just... here. My suspicions were correct about the stupid blonde chasing him. They were confirmed by him as well as his friends. He is adamant that nothing went down between them physically and I have chosen to trust him on this. But again, the way things went down during my test were not cool - and I'm starting to realize that as much as I want things to work with him, they probably won't.

My best friend keeps trying to relate it to her sociology class. Something about people of different classes only working when one or the other morphs into the other's class system. She spat out a couple of categories and placed Navy in one and Me in the other. It made sense, I'm more education/white collar while navy is more work/industry oriented. Whereas my whole life has been based on knowing I would always go to college because there was no other option, his has been to get into the working field and make money with a good solid job - he doesn't understand the point of getting a degree.

Long story short, I don't think I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm trying to think things clearly and put everything on the table to analyze my current options, and navy - well navy is trying his hardest to keep me. I don't know if he's realized how shitty I've felt around him or maybe he just senses me closing off - but he's definitely trying.

It's sad, I'm going to hate losing him... but I just don't see this working in the long run.

- School:
It's going well! Much better and less hectic than the first half. I did well on my test, landed one of the best IM sites we have on our curriculum and am headed into surgery soon :). The more I'm in this field the more I'm thinking of doing doctors without borders... we'll see...

nothing else is really going on. There are some side stories which might have been fun to describe had I been blogging during the events, but recaps would be pointless. however, I will try to blog more and yes - hospital drama IS a lot like grey's anatomy :)

My efforts

2007-12-08T09:11:00.000-05:00

I don't want to lose navy. He worked hard to make me realize I loved him (no really, he did). I sat down and thought about my options regarding what I could do about the situation.

I can fight for him, or I can do what I've always been doing and let him become more and more distant till he's gone.

So I decided to fight for him.

This past week I've seen him at least 4 times, including 2 sleepovers (btw, freaking out the whole time thinking about how I needed to study). Slowly over the week he's becoming more like his old self, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I made sure I never brought up any of our fights, attempted to be light hearted, and - oh yeah - no talking about my test.

At first he was (or seemed) happy that I could spend more time with him, validating why I should by saying I needed time away from the books -- but over the course of the week, vs. hearing about my freak outs, he "saw" how much the test was on my mind.

On situation arose when my study buddy called me asking what I'd gotten done the day before, I left the room so he didn't have to hear me, but I guess he followed me out and heard the conversation determining I was behind schedule. I was disappointed with myself and gave myself time to compose "happy me" again. Navy walked in with me, sitting on the bed, somber, clutching my schedule, and muttering about how I was going to catch up. At that moment I think he realized how much shit I really had going on.

Then he turned into old navy *insert mushy stuff here*, and later called me to check in on my progress (unheard of) and sent me cute little text messages in support.

Now - I know this is only a temporary fix, but something I deemed necessary for our relationship. I was really scared I was going to lose him - and I just wanted to remind him how good we are together.

My thoughts currently lay with what happens after my test, where my clinicals will be - and if we can last the long distance.

As of right now, I unfortunately think we won't - he's young, hot, and has stupid blondes after him, but I am trying to be optimistic and not cross that bridge before I come to it.

I really do love him...

In an effort to save my sanity

2007-12-05T17:55:00.000-05:00

You will now start hearing me cry about my boyfriend. All kidding aside - I think I might have lost navy in the last month.

Navy came to where I live after we started dating. He came, had a few friends from before the move, and luckily - they were intertwined to my friends which made us all one big happy family. I trusted this group of friends, and while I was on my own studying and he was out with them I had no doubt in my mind that navy was doing his own thing. I had a trust with him that never made me question anything he was doing.

Then when I went on a recent trip (lasting a month and a half) navy changed. It started with a fight he picked with me. He told me that a girl on his softball team was also dating a medical student (2 years) and how their relationship was breaking, and that it was due to the long distance. He became defensive and stubborn - a side of him I'd never seen. Up until that moment navy and I had probably had maybe 3 huge fights in the span of 9 months. After that date - they became more regular.

I started to place blame on the girl he'd spoken to after seeing her facebook picture and realizing she was a cute little blonde. (I have had bad run ins with cute little blondes stealing my boyfriends). I tell navy of my wandering mind, and he assures me that it's nothing. Though I still had nagging thoughts in my head, I push them aside thinking that my test in making me paranoid. Then navy starts being shady with me when telling me where he's going or who he's hanging out with. Though I let myself believe I was being paranoid I met him out one night recently where he told me he was meeting a guy to watch a game - and ran into him and his new group of buddies, blonde included.

I asked him if when he lied to me he thought he was protecting me - he replied he didn't want me to know she was there because he didn't want it to be awkward.

It hurt my pride that he lied to me to hang out with said girl, since I've been so careful as to establish trust between us, not witholding anything from him. It also hurt because he knew I had weird feelings towards her before - and now I definitely have weird feelings about her seeing as to how my boyfriend will lie to me about hanging out with her.

Though I trust that navy would never cheat on me, it doesn't mean that he might not like this other girl - who is blonder, a bigger partier, goes out vs. stays in, has a job, etc, and that he might see something in her more appealing than me - his hermit of a girlfriend who still has almost 5 years of schooling left in her.

Regardless his attitude towards me has changed in little ways. No more long talks we use to enjoy, no more cute e mails, no more fun date ideas, nothing - now, more snapping, annoyed glances and bickering.

I feel that because I put my education first, I've lost him in the process - if I had gone out to see his softball games, saw him more that one day a week, if I had been a little different these past months - maybe I wouldn't be thinking this way, and maybe I wouldn't be losing him.

I'm waiting until my test to see how we are after. But this doesn't look good, and I'm sad when thinking of what may come.

And then there was the long awaited reply

2007-12-03T16:55:00.000-05:00

A friend wrote me awhile back seeking advice in his confusion over why he hadn't found the perfect woman even though he had stopped being an ass and sleeping with countless numbers of them. I stumbled across this reply I wrote him after he replied over a month later. Though his questions and replies will be kept between us, I liked what I had to say and decided to pass it on. Enjoy :)!

We (and by we I mean those like you and myself) seem to always get side-tracked easily. We tend to let that which make us an individual be replaced by that which we think will make us happy.

We sometimes think that someone or something will define us. We let ourselves date people who aren't compatible with us, because we had once found someone similar to our nature, and found happiness with them. We think that anyone can take their place, because a body
sleeping next to you, is just a body sleeping next to you. Who needs them to talk when you can make enough conversation for the both of you right?

So we date the masses, and become bored with their lack there of month after month. There are many who will take their spot because you, like I, have an amazing personality and a confidence people fear. Soon we start to see those around us as only bodies, and instead of
searching for another like minded individual, begin to shut out the world.

I shut out the world, and I did so gladly, to my studies. I had no time for men, nor the thoughts of them. I played with a couple bodies, and tried to convince myself they had minds - but eventually convinced myself it was hopeless. Around that time I met Navy. He was a body, not a mind, but I've learned he was filled with things that a mind doesn't always appreciate until it presents itself in a selfless manner. I needed what he was filled with to bring me out of whatever hole I had dug myself. Something that was kind, patient, and strong. The more I look at the mind's around me, be those in the hospital, the library, old friends, the more I can see that I would never really work with any of them.

I have a mind, and I will be the first to say I have a large competitive streak. Those that counter me will usually get a shrug as a reply, showing how much I doubt/don't care about their opinion - yet hours later I will look up the subject of interest to ease my curiosity as to whom was correct. I then looked back to all the relationships I've ever had. Non of my long term relationships had what I would consider a strong "mind". They were all smart in their own way's however, my first boyfriend could sing, my second - he had street smarts, the third... the third was a fighter and finally the current - he knows too much to list that I could never counter.

So here's my reply to you:
No, you don't want to be alone. You want to have the same happiness you feel whenever you fall into your infatuations. However, I do feel like you might be looking in the wrong places. Instead of looking at all the mind's around you - start with the body. If the body is to your liking, see what else it may hold. Don't lead the conversations to where you want them to go, let them lead you. No expectations, no regrets.

oh yeah, and if you want to have sex do it for pete's sake! You probably have enough tension to bring down the wall of china!
:) k?
like totally awesome dude *twirls hair*
me.

Classic

2007-11-30T18:44:00.001-05:00

http://www.makehimpay.net/

Some people are so crazy! This had me entertained for awhile.

H2 blockers and Gallbladder stones

2007-11-23T20:06:00.000-05:00

The day before thanksgiving I get an uneasy feeling in my tummy. It started right after I woke up and progressively worsened the following hour.

I'd had this type of pain before once while navy was around while we were driving back from his parents house - which ended in me pulling over, having what seemed like a panic attack (crying, gasping for air, etc) and navy having a deer-in-headlights-look on his face trying to figure out how to help.

At that time I convinced myself it was some type of horrible reflux and drank maalox which seemed to help my symptoms. Yay burping.

Anyhoo - this time the pain came back and I ended up in the emergency room... mid panic attack phase, clutching chest, and babbling on about my symptoms to the ER docs who smiled as I gave my HPI and asked what year in medical school I was in.

Was it that obvious in my delirium?

So the ultrasound showed light shadowing in my gallbladder which had them recommending more tests, but my symptoms were diminished by the use of H2 blockers which diminished gastric acid secretion.

I don't really get what that means. If the H2 blockers where what helped, then I'm really freaking out about my test and possibly giving myself ulcers. If I just passed a gallstone - that means I probably have some issues with it and will need to have it removed prior to taking my test (which is very VERY soon).

I don't have time for medical issues before my medical boards.

no bueno.

Studying...

2007-11-19T15:41:00.000-05:00

Chicago pizza's are no joke

2007-11-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

What I wake up to in the morning...

2007-11-11T19:42:00.001-05:00

soooooooo cute!

Introducing my doggie: TADA!

2007-11-11T19:34:00.001-05:00

He is the most spoiled, lovable little shit you could possibly imagine.

No I don't dress him (but I totally would if I could get away with it) - ok ok, I gave him a cute little spike collar because he's tough. I made sure it was green so it matched his brown black and white fur...

stop looking at me like that

oh yeah, and when he cuddles with me, it pokes me in the face. Stupid collar.

Anyway.
I have decided to blog about him not only because I am obsessed, but also because he's sitting on my lap right now staring at the screen (and sometimes trying to type too).

He is a 30 pound beagle. OOMPH!

*side note*
I just figured out how to mobile blog (more reasons to procrastinate while studying!)

Therefore this blog will now be riddled with pictures of him when he does cute stuff. My boyfriend has had to deal with these moments up until now - I figured I'd give him a break :)

ha!

yay blog.

Faker

2007-11-11T19:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I only am where I am today because I'm a good faker. That every step has only been accomplished by sliding by.

I am going to be a doctor. Someone that will hold someone's life in their hands.

Someone, who could come in telling me they have the flu with mild coughs, might have a life threatening pneumonia that I need to be able to diagnose and treat - so that they walk away fine and alert without having complications leading to a near death experience.

I want to go into internal medicine. I'm going to have to treat many, know all, and conquer none. I will have no life through my internship, and am aiming for a practice before I'm 30.

And right now, right now I CAN'T EVEN GET MY PRACTICE USMLE SCORES IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

WHHHHHHAT THE HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL!

ugh, I feel like a complete and utter failure.

I study and cram and review a subject TO DEATH only to come back with scores WORSE THAN WHEN I BEGAN!!!

FUCKING SHOOT ME!

I can only imagine those with lower grades than me in basics are feeling... kill me now.

How does one save herself from insanity?

2007-11-05T19:42:00.000-05:00

She blogs...

So I figured I should get back into this. Though I don't have much to write initially, I usually get into blogging mode when I listen to music. I have a lot of catching up to do, so I guess I'll start with the biggie.

Navy met the family. *gasp* I met his sister *double gasp* and now it seems like his family has taken me in as one of their own. *scream*

This is odd for me in many ways.

For one, I don't like meeting my boyfriend's parents. It gets too serious for me. It makes me think of bigger things like... how our parents would like one another, and how it would be like if we were married (omg the M word).

It's so serious, and so weird at the same time. Navy and I will be celebrating our "1 year" this coming new years. Tonight he and I had dinner, and I felt like I was still in high school. We sat on the same side of the table, held hands, joked around with our food, dressed nice enough to impress each other, and laughed the whole time.

Unlike other relationships navy and I don't really... fight. Don't get me wrong, we've had a few biggies - mainly 3.

1. He broke a promise
2. College
3. His ex girlfriend.

But all in all, we don't fight (ok ok, one time I cried when I told him I was jealous of the hot blonde on his softball team - lets not talk about that embarrassing incident again). Most of those were on the phone due to our sometimes long distance relationship.

I can honestly say that after one year with him I am still as happy, as I was when I first met him (rare), as when I first came back from basic sciences (infatuation should be fading), as when I saw him when I got off the plane from my review courses (infatuation should be gone), as I guess I'll ever be. Tonight at dinner still acted like we were... in love, a rare treat for someone with my track record.

Usually by a year I'm sick of the guy, annoyed by him, or have caught him cheating on me. It's like a curse that I would never make it past a year with any guy I decide to date. I always convinced myself my type was the cheating kind. The ones who usually pursue me enough to make it in, have usually pursued another girl around the time they finally won me.

I've also been taking in the relationships around me and appreciating my own more. My boards study buddy has been dating her boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Her boyfriend is similar to navy. When they argue he wants to walk away and not talk about it. He doesn't resolve things - which leaves their minor disagreements evolving into major issues. Where as I confront navy and force him into resolving the minor conflict immediately, she has let him walk away to the point where now they argue about everything and are in a constant uncomfortable fighting status.

I see their relationship and am so thankful that I have someone I can talk to, that listens to me.

Slowly but surely navy has won. He always told me he'd win me over, that one day it I'd see he was the one for me, that he was patiently waiting for me until that time.

I think I finally realized he's right.

He's not what I thought I'd end up with. As of right now he doesn't have a college degree, is in the navy, and is only full of promises that he'll be something great. But I believe him, and somehow the stubborn me has stepped aside and the supportive me (which is usually only reserved for myself ;) ) is backing him up and pushing him towards his goals.

Isn't that what love is supposed to be?
You push each other? Support each other? Grow stronger together?

So how does one save herself from insanity?
1. She blogs.
2. She surrounds herself with those she loves.
3. She plays with her adorable doggie :)

T/F

2007-10-26T23:53:00.001-05:00

One can go crazy from excessive studying.

Death by study

2007-10-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

I have picked the date for my boards and am aiming towards taking them mid november. I am now rethinking the date and trying to figure a better one a month later.

Throughout this process I think I might be going crazy.

Since I study so much, navy has told me I have "nuke syndrome." Apparently all the "nukes" (nuclear engineer's) on the ship are uber smart. In fact they're so smart they don't get normal concepts. In navy talk he basically just called me a ditz. I can spit out the fact that the mentally challenged girl I saw at a national park has angelmann's syndrome, but ask me what time it is and I stare at the clock for a good 1-2 minutes before I can figure it out.

I have also been dealing with self esteem issues. My test grades aren't up to par, and I'm being self critical. This must also mean in my fragile little mind that navy doesn't love me anymore and that he's now attracted to the hot blonde on his softball team.

Yes, I'm admitting I was jealous... this is a once in a lifetime occurance.

It didn't help that Navy has been upset with me due to my study schedule. He isn't allowed to see me except for sunday's, and phone conversations are only permitted after 8pm (the phone is of until then). Therefore he's been acting strange, which aided in my quickly escalating jealousy.

However, I did speak to him about my issues (goo me! Verbalizing! I'm so proud of myself), to which he basically laughed at me and told me he would never and has never cheated - after which he expressed his frustration with my schedule and his life in general.

Other than that, my life is boring. I study, do questions, and (for the last week) obsess over small minute details.

updates:
- never talked to CPE - he e mailed an update on his life, i told him nothing about mine
- wrote the weird guy back and told him his advances were not wanted nor appreciated. He hasn't written me since, which has made me very happy.

I will probably blog more now that I am always trying to procrastinate - but it will probably be all about my boards. :/ ugh

I will never be nice to anyone again.

2007-09-16T22:24:00.000-06:00

I am known for showing my... dislike of people (usually skeezy men) when I don't know them.

I have now learned this is for a very good reason.

I have learned of yet ANOTHER weirdo, who is/was/has always been in love with me.

ugh - shoot me.

My first semester in basics there was a kid that hung out with people I knew from back home that I thought was weird. Apparently I wasn't too nice to him. After being yelled at a couple semesters about what a bitch I was towards him, I was nicer to him 4th semester before I left.

*side note* this kid WAS in my class, but failed a million times, and I think he's just now finishing 3rd semester - i'm in my 6th.

Recently he send me an e mail - not to bore you with details, it was odd... yet I always thought he was odd - and I wrote him back asking how basics was. The letter he replied back to that was... interesting - and basically said "lets stop punishing each other and be with one another now."

I forwarded the e mail to the friend who yelled at me for being so rude to him.

This brings her to tell me a story which involves him being in love with me since first semester, and blaming me for his failures because he couldn't get me out of my head. She had apparently heard it the night before from our other friend who just finished basics - who he confided in.

I AM HAVING FLASHBACKS OF FREAKY MED AND HIS VALENTINES DAY FIASCO FIRST SEMESTER!!! WHAT THE HELL!? FREAKS ARE DRAWN TO ME!

on another note:

CPE has also started calling again - he and his girl must be having problems. Navy finally had enough and called his number back. CPE hung up on him - i guess he was at a bar.

navy being possessive is hot.... grrowl.

Is it odd that I'm worried about CPE and want to make sure he's ok? He's like a sick puppy... I'd talk to him if I didn't think it would fuck him up more than he is.

Still Alive

2007-09-12T21:10:00.000-06:00

The blog hasn't died, but I just might :/.

Studying for my boards right now - should be taking them soon.

Wish me luck!!!

What do you want to be?

2007-08-12T21:31:00.000-06:00

The topic of conversation has been coming up concerning what direction I should take my career. Most people point out the money. "You should do this because you'll get paid tons," or "This field makes loads of money," yadda yadda yadda. I've kept my mouth surprisingly shut though most of the time I want to scream: I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR THE MONEY!

I can honestly say I would be happy if I had enough to get by. It seems like money is more of an issue for my friends and family than it is for me. The guy I marry needs to have money, because I'll be making money and heaven forbid I make more than him. The car I drive needs to be expensive because people look at that and it means something. Where I live must be expensive and upscale because yet again, heaven forbid I live somewhere modest.

I will admit, later in life when I have children I don't want them to grow up in the ghetto. I want them to grow up comfortably, yet understand the value of money. I want them to grow in a safe environment where doors can be left unlocked, and neighbors are trusted to watch them or have them over for cookies and milk without seducing them. I understand this all takes money of some sort - to take them out of the filth society has built for itself... but why oh why must it always come down to that?

Why can't I move to rural pennsylvania, in a small town where property is cheap by the acres? Why can't I move to a random beachfront property in texas or florida - where no one really goes to, and is shielded from the corruption of bigger, badder, more expensive locations? Why can't I just go somewhere, live comfortably, and have a normal life without worrying about money?

I want to help those who can't help themselves. I want to go places where people aren't able to get the attention those here in the state take for granted. I want to give people things they sometimes need, not wait hand on foot on those who just want.

I want to make a difference.

I will make a difference.

And the money... may never be enjoyed if I'm only going to use it for the benefit of those I love, or those who need it more than I do.

Go away.

2007-07-27T12:16:00.000-06:00

Don't you hate those people that turn every situation into something that revolves around them? You tell them a story about something that happened in your day, and they feel compelled to not only NOT comment on your interaction, but try to TOP it with a story of their own, ending in how great they are?

That's why I think I like my blog so much, i can make it all about myself, and not really care about anyone else's take on it.

Sometime, however well intentioned you might be, you find weirdo's on the internet that tend to think that just because they read your most intimate thoughts, that they somehow KNOW you. They form some sort of weird attachment and relate it to caring about you.

These are the type of people that scare me. (I also throw those that tell me their full medical history within 2 minutes of finding out I'm in medicine into this category.)

The reason I have this blog is because a reader of the old blog crossed the line. Their comments only reflected how self absorbed they were, and their "my story beats yours" attitude took the tranquility of my blog away from me. So I left the old blog cold turkey, started a new one, and LOW AND BEHOLD, it looks like I have a little internet stalker peering over my shoulder and reading things about my life again. (thank you site meter)

How this person found me, i don't know. All I know is that it's scary, that I don't want anything to do with them. They've begun to haunt blogs I use to read, send me nasty little e mails, and for the life of me I don't understand WHY THEY DON'T JUST GO AWAY.

Anyway, if I end up dead in a gutter and this blog goes dead again, you'll know why. They're just as bad as CP - and i think that even he's given up.

PSA

2007-07-25T07:11:00.000-06:00

I guess this post has been a long time coming. I'm so good at dealing with everyone else's problems rather than mine... I am the queen of denial. If I don't talk, see, deal with it - it's not happening right? But if my best friend's father she hate's dies... I'm there for her, if the grandmother she rarely spoke to dies, I'm there for her... if her best friend growing up's father dies... I'm there for her. But somehow - things always hit home and you see things much differently.

PSA is the antigen used in screening for prostate hyperplasia or carcinoma. In normal talk when someone's PSA is elevated that means either the person just has a big prostate (that should be carefully watched) or cancer. Anything more than 4 means an enlarged prostate with a chance of carcinoma, anything above 10 has a 50% chance of being cancer.

My grandmother has been very sick for some time. She's been in and out of the hospital, and even had a scary trip to the ICU while I was in basics. My grandfather has retired and where he use to have her waiting on him (she was sooooooo cute the way she'd plan out his day, have food waiting for him, doing his laundry) he is now running the house.

They had/have the perfect marriage, perfectly happy in their roles. She stayed home, cooked, cleaned, never even had a drivers license, he took care of everything outside of that. He has never once complained the role reversal, of her being sick, of having to dress her, has learned to cook (after watching her for 60 some years) and listens to her nagging while he fumbles to organize the millions of pills he has to give her for her heart.

We have never questioned whether he could survive without her. I dreading her death have distanced myself. Writing about this, and even thinking it usually brings upon tears (which is no bueno in the library while I'm studying for boards... but procrastination is a bitch) which I push away by what? not thinking about it. But about a month ago I had a nightmare while spending the night at navy's house:

Navy: "WAKE UP!"
Me: *grumble* "whaaaaatrudoing"
Navy: "You're crying"
Me: *snuggle*
Navy: "You ok?"
Me: *groggy* "Grampather..."

I don't remember this interaction. He told me about it when he e mailed me from work the next day, I do however remember the dream:

Some man (who was not my real grandfather) told me and my cousins (who were not my real cousins) he was going to die. I started bawling as he started giving valuables to my cousins, in turn not giving me anything. He looked at me and told me I already had my present and pointed to a old watch on my arm - at which point I think navy woke me up.

(I keep having to pause because I'm crying so if this blog doesn't have it's normal fluidity I'm sorry)

The next morning I get a message from my mother: "Call me ASAP"

I call her back during a study break and tell her about my dream. She sits there quietly and tells me my grandfather has prostate cancer, and that he's gifting me with his restaurant. Then she proceeds to ask me everything I know about it. I ask the usual questions trying to figure out it's severity and kick in doctor mode. I made her think it wasn't as bad as it was presenting her with the facts. He's over 80, if it hasn't metastasized it's not that bad, blah blah. Then I hung up the phone, and cried.

I cried all day, and then I stopped - and never thought about it again.

Except for the weekend when we went to tell him at his house.

I was FUMING. HOW DARE THE DOCTOR BREACH CONFIDENTIALITY AND EXPECT HIS FAMILY TO TELL HIM. The doctor had told my aunt, who told my father she wasn't going to tell him, to which my father turned around and told my grandfather. I went with the family that weekend and ate the lunch my grandfather had prepared under my grandmothers watchful eye. But I honestly couldn't take it and made an excuse about having to get back to studying and left. My father told him shortly after, he described the scene to me as this:

I went to the kitchen while we were cleaning up and told him softly. He just nodded his head and told me not to tell your grandmother.

This of course had me in tears again because of how brave he was trying to be, he was scared if my grandmother knew she'd give up. If he died she would be sure to die.

BTW, I NEVER cry, unless I'm angry... :)

I grew up with a very close family. I love my parents (yes, even my overbearing mother) and I love my grandparents (I call them mom and dad). They have and will always be the closest things to me. To lose someone that close scares the shit out of me. Due to his age and etc, apparently his treatment isn't too bad - but I don't trust anything the family says until I can see his medical records and figure out the grade of the cancer and etc.

He's given me access to his medical records but... I just can't bring myself to sort through it. I keep using my boards as an excuse. I have too much stuff to review, too little hours in a day, I need to meet so and so, fix something, anything so that I don't have to sit down and figure things out.

Regardless, this is my post to myself telling myself my grandfather has cancer, that he is strong, that he willl fight through it, and no matter what weird dreams say he will not die anytime soon, and that everything will be ok.

Voldemort

2007-07-17T16:50:00.000-06:00

My roommate is 30. She's 30, has a very pretty face and big bones, and is single. No that doesn't mean she'd fat - because she'd not fat... she had big bones.

This means she's depressed and has no self confidence.

I didn't mind her in basic sciences, she kinda kept to herself and seemed to know her shit. That meant she'd be a good roomie right?

... right

Well when I got back to town, navy and I were still in that weird mode where I didn't know what to do with him, didn't want him touching me in public, and was debating if it was ok to give guys that asked my number. Unfortunately all these experiences were done while my roommate was around.

She would tell me how great navy was, if I looked nice that day, and etc. Then the compliments got weird... she would tell me how great I looked in jeans ("my ideal weightloss goal is to look like you in jeans!"), while walking around if a car honked or someone whistled she'd always mutter that it must be for me, and she wouldn't even speak to navy when he'd come up for the weekend.

She wanted a man - it was very clear that this was her only way to find happiness (and she couldn't stop talking about this ass she was dating during basics, and swore he worshipped her... *snicker*). So I found her one. I set her up with three different guys I knew.

One was ipod guy (he bought me an ipod and we'd only dated for 2 weeks) - his unhealthy jump into relationshipness made him a great candidate for my desperate for a relationship roomie.
Next was AW, who I've known since I was 13 and he was 19. I had the BIGGEST crush on him back then. He was smart, an english teacher, and... older.
Finally there was Voldemort who we collectively named later.

Anyway, I tried to set things up with ipod guy only to realize he was trying to make a play for me - and cut that out real quick. AW wasn't interested because he had a couple of girls he was already juggling and said my roomie was boring, and finally... voldemort, who recently broke up with a mutual friend 2 weeks prior, took the bait - and my roomie was out of my hair.

BUT WAIT!

Apparently Voldemort has a little anger problem, and when going back to his old apartment (after already beginning his proceedings with roomie) decides that he's going to call his ex-live-in-girlfriend all types of names, which makes my best friend jump in tell him to back off, and ends with my best friend being shoved against the wall at such a force that she (2 months later) still has signs of inflammation on her knee and elbow, and a scar from the corner she hit on her neck. *breath* (if that isn't a run on, i don't know what is).

Technicalities of the encounter included the fact that my best friend shoved him first... but she was still pretty beat up from a shove he gave back to her and will have a nasty scar on her neck for a very very long time.

Anyway, I tell my roomie this little encounter, but since they've been talking for a whopping 4 days, she's already completely in love and doesn't care. I take myself out of the situation and stay neutral. Best friend hates him, roomie fucking him, no bueno.

Anyway, while they were together she was fine to live with. She was always on the phone with him at night, the weird comments regarding how I looked stopping, and it wasn't weird when navy would come up to visit because either her man would be there, or she'd be down in DC at his place.

Here's the problem: On friday he dumped her.

UGGGGGGGGGGGH!

Apparently she was too controlling and got jealous of him hanging out with his friends or something. I DON'T CARE, he's crazier than her and the fact that he even got (especially while he was going through all this BS with shoving my friend) her to deal with all his shenanigans was mind blowing.

Now I have to hear her talk about how much she misses him, and she gets all teary eyed at times, and oh yeah - one day we went to a concert and she starts bawling right in the middle of it because she and him and gone there once...

UGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not to mention she'd being very snappy, and I don't give a shit who you are - you don't snap at me for random reasons.

Things running through my head:
-You're 30 damn you, you should know better than to have let him get in so quickly!
-You're 30 damn you, stop acting like you're 19
-Stop crying
-Stop SNAPPING AT ME before I punch you
-Stop telling me how one time he stopped and kissed you at every single light post because you don't like PDA
-Stop asking if you're crazy
-Stop asking me to ask navy to ask him things
-Stop telling me that same stories over and over
-Stop reading me the e mails he's sent you
-Stop STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!

All this has built up since sunday night. Yes that's right. I went home from visiting navy to her depression sunday night - I moved back into my parents last night. I think it was about 24 hours before I booked it. (lease is up in august anyway)

SHE WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

So I told her to start blogging. To re-read the shit she needs to deal with instead of telling people (me), and to suck it up and move on. I also told her that her little fantasy of him calling her and her denying him was probably never going to happen and put money down that if it did she'd take him back in a heartbeat. I told her she wasn't allowed to use his name anymore, and she made the harry potter reference ("he who shall not be named") = voldemort = funny... ha ha.

Anyhoo, keep a lookout for a break-up blog, it'll be good.

Am I a horrible person?

2007-07-12T14:16:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to walmart and due to many people's stupidness I was in line for a whopping 30 minutes. My definition of stupidness includes:

- Buying a year's worth of walmart gear at one time and checking out with roughly 3 carts that were overflowing, but price-checking almost everything to make sure it wasn't too expensive.
- Checking out a family with 3 cart's worth of gear and taking your sweet as time scanning everything while checking out things they're buying.
- Being the manager of a walmart knowing there's a line around THE FUCKING CORNER of people waiting for these dumbasses, and not opening extra registers.
- Hitting cash instead of debit on something or another that I didn't care to overhear and spend 15 minutes talking it out with the manager with employee's stopping by to see what happened WITHOUT OPENING ANOTHER REGISTER!!!

Regardless another register FINALLY opened, and I was one of the few who made a mad dash to make it there.

Now, throughout this very annoying and time consuming experience, there was a short very fat lady in front of me. She was obviously not very well off, missing a couple of teeth, and her cart consisted of a couple DVD's, crackerjacks, a CD and 2 packs of peanut-butter m&m's. She was also very obviously in distress because like the rest of us, she was standing in the FREAKING line for 30 minutes. So I struck up a conversation with her.

I've realized people decide who they can and can't talk to based on initial judgements. She seemed shocked that I was cracking jokes in her general direction, and tried to counter back by showing me the CD in her cart, asking if I'd ever heard of the random duo. "I haven't", I answered, "I usually download music on my ipod." "Oh," she muttered back "I don't have onna 'dem, only got me a por-ta-ble C-D player"

I ended up hopping lines one more time, and when I saw I was about to get to the front I went back to the old line and offered her the spot in front of me. She was grateful, then muttered something about hoping not to miss the bus.

Instantly my anti-beggar radar went off and I automatically thought she was trying to bum a ride from me. So I ducked my head cursing myself for being nice to her, and I didn't say anything as she got her things and left. I hightailed it out of there after I FINALLY CHECKED OUT THE 4 ITEMS I NEEDED TO BUY and jumped in my car hoping she wouldn't somehow see me and ask me for a ride back into the city.

But then I saw this while driving out of the parking lot:
She had taken her cart and was using it for support to make it to the end of the parking lot. Then she stopped short, put the cart in it's designated position and continued walking (obviously in a lot of pain, and she was so fat she kind of waddled - making even walking look painful). I realized she'd never intended to ask me for any type of hand out, she was just venting like we'd been doing earlier.

So I rethought my initial judgement and started debating if I should slow down and offer her a ride. Then I thought this and realize I am, indeed, a horrible person:

"With her BMI as high as it is, I'm sure walking would be better for her than me picking her up and driving her back into the city."

...then I felt like shit again and couldn't stop thinking about it.

GAH!

Alli - Day 1

2007-07-09T10:58:00.000-06:00

Since coming back to the states I have gained a whopping 10 pounds. Granted, I have been going to the gym, everyone around me tells me they can't tell (my mother says my face is rounder and you can see it around my butt), and navy lectures me telling me I should know muscle weighs more than fat, but non the less it's starting to get to me.

My theories on the recent weight gain:
- I started birth control again, because my body needed to be put back on a normal cycle after that horrible depo shock (never ever ever ever get a depo shot, they make you go crazy!)
- The hormones in the food here are different (I BARELY eat compared to out of country, what the hell)
- MAYBE, it's muscle... maybe...

Anyhoo, I'd still like to be toned and that requires a loss in mass.

SO! Recent news told me orlistat was on the market. A drug that I have learned about, and know first hand is prescribed to fat people (no offense) in hospitals. YAY!

Technically you're not supposed to take the drug if you're not overweight... which... I'm not, BUT I feel that they're just saying that so people who are anorexic won't take it.

Therefore, yesterday was my first day (even though I made this day one)

I bought the starter kit for a whopping 60 bucks (90 pills - 60 mg) which came along with a ton of things like:
1. Keys to successful weight loss (everything we already know)
2. Welcome guide (everything we get, and online support)
3. Portable quick fact pocket guide (nothing special)
4. Companion Guide (goals, dosage, use, side effect)
5. Healthy eating guide
6. Calorie and fat counter
7. Daily journal

Anyway - it's stuff I already know, but then again, I do want to tone up and lose this 10 pound excess that has started to cling to me if not more. Side effects are gross and include oilish discharge and uncontrollable bowel, but that's only for people who chow down on really greasy meals with loads of fat. HELLO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!

Anyhoo, I'm not going to turn my blog into a weight-loss blog, but I'll tune in every now and again if:
- I see no difference in weight while exercising and etc.
- I have any side effects to note
- If I think it's working.

Goal: get back down to my weight in sophmore year of college.

Ready, set, GO!

For more info on alli, you can go to their website or read this little doosy: clicky

Move over Beckham

2007-07-01T13:22:00.000-06:00

Though my infatuation with David Beckham is quite apparent (well maybe not so much on this blog, but take my word for it), navy's obsession with baseball has introduced me to another hottie that makes me drool whenever I see him.

Navy doesn't seem to mind my drooling, as long as I attend and watch games with him -- but as he sat next to me today watching me prowl google he kept muttering "you can have him as your screen saver only if he's wearing an indian's jersey." I just laughed it off and kept showing him hot photo's of my new main man.

Grady Sizemore - hubba hubba.

Now for your enjoyment are photo's I've stolen from other sites showing is amazing hotness. Enjoy. (I am)
.
.
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When it rains, it pours...

2007-06-28T20:03:00.000-06:00

It's time for people I've stopped speaking to over the years to attempt to talk to me. There's a back story to this that would take WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too long to explain for those new to this blog, but for those of you who've stalked your way to my new blog - I'm sure you'll understand all to well.

Anyhoo - it first started with the exboyfriend storm. Some guy I dated about a year and a half ago, and another that I dated over 3 years ago (he was a major boyfriend, unlike the first one) decided to e mail me within 3 days and strike up some kind of... kinship?

I dunno, I gave both pleasantly cold responses that basically said, hi, thanks for contacting, next time I'll contact YOU --- annnd haven't talked to either since.

Now this goes off the previous post - but I reacquainted with dreamboy, this past weekend, and today I get this message from fatboy:

Title: HOLD ON!!!
Body:
Don't delete...yet? Yes, this is the [name] that you once knew before you went to Med School. Yes, I have been following you, not stalking, just wondering what you were up to ha ha

Big craziness happened and I would love to fill you in some day. i figured, why not a drink after the craziness ended. I have a whole plethura of stories that will be written, i just have to find the perfect website developer, hint hint j/k.

If you want to B.S. and catch up on old times, you have my number. I think?

It came from a random myspace, with a fake name, and no picture - but it wasn't hard to figure out it was fatboy.

Who is fatboy you ask?

When I broke up with my most recent major boyfriend (yes it was 3 years ago) he was the mutual friend that I ended up finding out later -- wanted to fuck me. I was nice to him because he was my connection to the ex (though he volunteered no info other than to tell me that the ex always told him how good i was in bed - which made me very uncomfortable) and he was nice to me because he --- wanted to fuck me.

So after 6 months of trying to get with me (god I was naive), he finds some other girl at a country concert and plays the "you're jealous" card, and proceeds to piss me off with his deflection to the point where I just stop speaking to him. He was fat, ugly, and quite obviously not my type (I thought he was too old and annoying).

Anyway, I didn't really care about the ended friendship because I was busy pimping myself out and trying not to care that my exboyfriend left me for a 19 year old blonde bimbo in california.

The e mail amused me... but I wrote back because I, for one, have a lot of pride - and there's no way in hell I'd ever contact a person after the shit I said to him the night I realized what had been happening.

So I wrote back this:

Hi [name],
It's good hearing from you, I would ask why you have a blank myspace with a fake name, but I'm assuming that goes along with the craziness you were talking about in your e mail.

I left the country and traveled for a bit - so all my old numbers are gone. I'm on a pretty hectic schedule with the hospital anyway so I probably would be no fun to talk to between work, homework, gym and other shenanigans.

Hope all is well
[me]

I think I was nice, yet cold at the same time. I hope he doesn't try to see me... because he's seriously not my kind of people.

I have a feeling I'll regret this.

No soup for you.

2007-06-25T21:03:00.000-06:00

When I was a freshman in college I had a huge crush on a guy in my university class. He was tall, blond, and gorgeous. He wanted to be a plastic surgeon and thought the class was a joke. I was the nerd who took it seriously, and would try to get his attention by being vocal in class.

The next semester we had biology together, it changed from me passing him and saying hi to him (he later told me he thought I was REALLY annoying) to me sitting next to him - I was such a stalker. We still never spoke, and I still had a huge crush. I vowed to get his attention.

Sophmore year, we had more sciences together. We were in organic together. This was the year I started to grow up a little. Freshman year... I had no confidence, a high school sweetheart I was breaking up with, and I lived at home. Sophmore year I joined the "hottest" sorority on campus, ("Wow, they think I'm pretty enough to get in!"), had boys asking me out, and moved out of the parents house. I had an pinning party one night and invited him out. Soon we started studying together and going to parties together. I would stay out late and start falling asleep in class only to wake up with drool on my face and him doodling stupid cartoons on my notes laughing about the stupid things I had done while drunk. He told me about his life during our all night study sessions and then informed me he had joined the armed forces... two weeks later 911 happened.

I freaked out a little, I had been infatuated with him from over a year now, and somehow before he left for bootcamp it all came together and my dreams came true. We made out and cuddled, and then he left.

I was hopelessly in love. I wrote him all the time, and would check the mail for his bootcamp letters (I still have them) telling me about all his shenanigans. The first ones told me he missed home, the last ones were more cold and rigid. By the time I saw him again between the break, it wasn't the same - but he was still my dreamboy.

He left for training, and would call me every saturday from a pay phone drunk(this is before the whole cell phone thing). By this time I had finished my sophomore year and was working in a restaurant to pay off my car, and my school. He would call before leaving for the club, I of course thought it was because we were in some way together, even though we weren't. I never kissed any other boys, I thought it might mess up my chances with my dreamboy -- god I was so naive.

He came back the beginning of junior year, and it was horrible. He didn't pay attention to me, and was... mean. By mean I don't mean mean to me - I mean he had gained 50 pounds of muscle, shaved his head, and would constantly start fights at parties I took him to. He would stare people down and act like he didn't care about a soul in the world. I didn't like him much anymore - but when he'd get drunk and we'd talk, I'd convince myself that he was still there. I made it my mission to take him everywhere with me, I was his only friend in college left, I would bring the old him back.

We took most of our electives together, but where as I moved on to harder classes, he resumed his sophomore semester. I still found it difficult to talk to him, as he was pessimistic and bitter -- so one day I sat down and wrote him a letter expressing every deep dark emotion I'd ever had for him. After holding on to it for two weeks I shoved it into his hand when he dropped me off and ran away. He never really mentioned it, and we practically stopped talking - unless it was for an assignment. Then he told me he was leaving for Iraq, and again, I freaked out.

He left the day after his 21st birthday. We threw him a surprise birthday party, and I paid a fraternity boy for the case of beer we got him. I made him a cake, he gave me his cover, and I cried.

Then he left, and I sat there heartbroken telling myself that one day - ONE DAY - he was going to want me, and he wouldn't be able to have me. I built myself up saying that I didn't need someone who didn't appreciate me. (*can I just jump in here now and say, DAMN I WAS SUCH A WHINER WITH NO SELF CONFIDENCE!!! UGH, SO ANNOYING!*)

Flash forward till today. He came back, and by that time I was dating the psycho. Dreamboy dated many of my sorority sisters (sorry, slept with, not dated) and crash on my couch for a year (yes, it was supposed to only be a month). By the end of our little stint we had begun to hate each other. I graduated college, and he was still in sophmore standing. We didn't speak for 3 years, and somehow, while I was out of country we built up communication again.

He's leaving for Iraq again - and decided he would come up to see me. Friday night we went out. He looked just like he did when I first met him. No shaven head, no huge muscles, no meanness, he just had his quirky humor and some beer. It was awkward at first, but after the first couple of beers we ended up having a good night. By the time we'd called each other out about our little fight and made amends - I was exhausted. I brought him out blankets and headed to my bed to pass out for the 3 hours I had before getting up to go to work.

He comes into my room to say good night, leaned over my bed for the hug, goes to kiss the cheek and... stays... lingering... "BAAD NO NO NO BAD BAD BAD BAD" was all I could really say, with him whispering, "I know I know" before leaning back in to try to kiss me, "NOOOO NO NO NO REALLY REALLY BAD, BAD BAD BAD BAD."

...

THE MOTHER FUCKER TRIES TO GET BACK WITH ME.

After the initial bad's and no's, he ended up bringing his blanket into my room and tried to start some kind of conversation with me while setting up shop on the floor. I think I fell asleep somewhere in the convo where he was telling me about how he missed me, and though I don't remember the specifics, it dealt with me always being there for him and how he always thought we'd end up together.

I still think he's my dream boy - but damn, when the whole turning them down after they've broken your heart thing happens, YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU CAN ENJOY IT.

Now I just feel bad... oops.

Things not to do in order to get a woman's attention

2007-06-12T07:10:00.000-06:00

1. Make horribly loud kissy noises as she walks by, so loud that she can hear through her ipod music.

2. Make a beeline for her while walking by and leaning in muttering "SEXY" in a nasty deep throated voice.

3. Stare at her, blatantly STARE, at a crosswalk, so that she can feel your gaze until the godforsaken walk light turns on and she can get away from your creepy ass.

4. Stare at her, and when she finally looks in your direction make a nasty movement with your tongue (ugh, that's the worst! GROSS GROSS GROSS)

5. Whistle.

All of the above mentioned occurred yesterday on my walk home from the gym. I was beet red in the face, sweaty, and BLARING my ipod music. It was by far the most I've ever drawn only the attention of nasty, disgusting, GROSS men who thought the above mentioned techniques were appropriate. I mean really, do they think they're going to make that tongue gesture and I'm going to run over there and sit on their face? DISGUSTING!!!

I'm so grossed out right now.

Then I got a lecture from navy when I got home about walking to the gym alone, and needing a mace... *groan*

I'm going to take a self defense class.

Spiderman's got nothing on me

2007-06-07T21:38:00.000-06:00

The other morning I wake up with my dog clawing my arm wimpering to go out. When he was a puppy I loved his ears, they were big, floppy, and omg soft. Now with him hovering over my face pawing, I wanted to grab him and play helicopter to see how far I could tote him away from me...

None the less, I groggily got up picked out work clothes through squinted eyes and sauntered over to the door to get his leash and take him out.

*side note* By the door we have the key stand. This is to place keys on so that they're easily accessible when you want to leave. My door is one of those annoying "always unlocked but you don't know if it's locked outside" doors.

(see where I'm going with this? Back to being groggy)

So I (in full work clothes and slippers) go to the door, look at my keys, and slam the door shut before my brain tells me to grab them.

Shit.

Immediate thought? Try door...

Locked.

SHIT.

I am now standing outside of my door with a whining pulling dog who needs to pee, without phone, key, or a number memorized to help me get back in. Oh yeah, did I mention I haven't told my landlord about my dog yet?... whoops.

Then I remember we left a window open in the living room.

YAAAAAAAAAAY, I'm saved!

Problem is, I live on the second floor... ok, plan B --- there's a fire escape I can climb...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I'm saved!!!

So I, content with this plan, take my doggie downstairs to pee, and carefully leave the front door open so I can get back in. While letting doggie roam in his favorite pee spot, I scout the perfect branch to help me knock down the fire escape. Plan B consists of knocking lever, stairs falling, me climbing.

So I head back to the door and start whacking (yes I did jump up and down while doing it) with all my might. But doggie was being a little brat and he was still tugging, so I was technically doing it one handed. So I took the loop of his leash, and looped it on some hook on the building.

This brought along plan C. After whacking a little bit (ok a lot bit) and realizing it wasn't working, I brilliantly devised a plan that would loop my dog's leash on the lever so that I may pull it with all my might, causing the stairs to fall, so that I may climb, and break into my living room window.

Problem: Doggie is attached to leash, and is a frequent runner when set loose.

I decide to stick him in the apt. building, and so I could make sure I didn't get locked out - I would pull the carpet over to the door to make sure it didn't shut all the way.

BRILLIANT!

So I take doggie inside, unclip him, and move carpet. It's all moving according to plan. Now -- before I go on, doggie is a very smart dog. He can find a way out of anything. He also has separation anxiety, and will stop at nothing to get to me if I'm nearby. --- So while closing the door behind me, to make sure he doesn't get out... I PULL THE DOOR AS TIGHT AS POSSIBLE TO MAKE SURE ITS CLOSED!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Upon realizing this mistake, my instant thought: Try door

Locked

SHIT!!!
Now the puppy that no one knows i have is on the other side yelping and digging trying to get to me, and I'm on the other side in work clothes, slippers, and a leash with no dog.

*groan*

It's ok, on with the plan.

After a few lasso attempts, I hook the lever (YAY!) I tug a lot and it gets loose (YAY!) I tug some more and pull it free (YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!) Stairs start falling (YAY!) too fast (uh oh) *CRASH*

SHIT.

Then stairs start moving back up to the side (SHIT SHIT SHIT)

So I make a flying leap, to catch the stairs, I need to climb, after pulling the lever, so that I may break into my living room window.

I catch the stairs, take a deep breath, and start climbing.

Eventually I make it to my apartment, I unhinge the window, move our pet goldfish bernadette (who has thyrotoxicosis and the bulging eyes to go with it) and climb my way in. I run to the door to run downstairs and grab doggie --- only to find him sitting in front of the door with his tail wagging.

Little shit.

I grab the phone and call work to tell them I'm going to be late.

I look back at the room.

The screen is unhooked, the fire escape is down - and I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood has seen me in my work clothes and slippers thinking I'm some sort of hoodlum trying to break in.

So I open our fire escape window and go back out to fix my mess. (doggie starts barking at momma to come back in because she's too far away)

I fix the screen and make my way over to the fire escape to push the lever back into place, that allowed me to climb the stairs, to my apartment, and break into my living room window. Easy, right?

So I position myself (still in work clothes, and slippers) grab the stairs, and pull.

OOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

THIS SHIT WILL NOT COME BACK UP!

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

but wait!

The stairs have a counter lever platform. If I can get on that, and push it down, while pulling the lever to hold the stairs into place, I'm golden! However, this requires me to bend my body in very unnatural angles THROUGH the stairs while still grappling the railing and controlling the lever.

I try anyway.

After 10 minutes of karma sutra, yoga, whatever the hell it is people in the circus do that bends their bodies into extended unnatural shapes - I mustered enough of my body onto the platform, to lift the stairs, so that I may push the lever into place.

it took 5 minutes to get my body out of the position i put it in to get pressure on that damn platform, but I hike it back through my window, quiet my dog, put my hair in a ponytail and rush out of my house --- only to make it to work 10 minutes early, looking like shit, with a grease stain on my shirt.

BUT I had my keys in hand, cell phone, and I beat it before the other intern. TAKE THAT SPIDERMAN!

The first fight

2007-05-30T18:56:00.000-06:00

So saaaaaaaaay I consider navy my boyfriend, and saaaaaaay we've been together since we first met, and saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay that in my weird world this all makes sense:

We had our first fight. (The first in 6 months)

In actuality this means I got mad at him - because god knows when he gets "upset" with me, I don't let him go 2 feet without spitting it out and calling him a big baby.

Anyhoo, the details aren't important - he was just being hypocritical and I brought it to his attention the night before he thought I was ignoring him. Due to some unfortunate incidents which involved my mother, an emergency room - and later my sister, and a prom dress - the baby thought I was ignoring him after calling him a hypocrite the night before.

This meant the turd decided to play stupid childish mind games that pissed me off. In return - I started ignoring him for real giving myself ample time to decide how to tell him to FUCK OFF. I.e. we (whatever I've decided "we" is) are done.

He ends up calling a couple of times, to which my roommate calls ME a baby and tells me to pick up. So I do, and navy met my anger:

Me: "Navy I'd like you to meet someone"
Navy: "Oh really who?"
ANGRY ME: "@#$(@?#*$&@(#*$&amp;@(#(&@*%&(@%^!"
Me: "I think she just made her own introduction"
ANGRY ME: "@^#%(&@^#."
*Navy quivering in fear*
Navy: "sorry sorry sorry sorry"

Now I don't want to brag or anything but...

I'm scary.

And when I'm angry, I get insanely intellectual, I use big words, and I could probably debate the president and have him bowing to me in tears.

oh yeah, and sometimes I cry - I know I know but imagine this: Me. Angry. Sobbing

Angry Me: "@#%^@(%^@&($%^!!!" *SOB*
Navy: ""Baby don't cry"
Angry Me: *Punch*

Navy ends up showing up with 2 cacti (cactus plural) annnnd a bouquet of flowers.

Though the point that I won the argument (which had him apologizing for hours after *insert evil laugh here*) is exciting, I am writing this to make another statement.

Through all the bullshit, and the stupidness of the fight - it helped me understand I like him, A LOT. The thought of ending it hurt, and the way he handled it was perfect - yay flowers.

I really like him - sometimes I feel like I love him, but that would be stupid.

I still refuse to call him my boyfriend.
The end.

Why don't you just GET IT?!

2007-05-26T09:23:00.000-06:00

My exboyfriend is a piece of work.

I am firmly convinced everyone has ONE ex that wont leave them alone. The kind that was shitty when you dated them, but the second you walk away has decided that you're the best thing since sliced bread and has made it their mission in life to win you back. I am also convinced if you don't have a person like this, you're either young or ARE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

No sane person has experienced this and ends up doing it.

Back to my story...

He won't stop calling. Its started up this week. Either he knows I'm back for sure, or is having a fight with his current girlfriend. This means I've been getting calls - thankfully only one a day so far.

He calls at 3 AM (my weakest hour) probably hoping I'll fumble for the phone and answer in a sleepy haze. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING.

So now I'm thinking of ways to make him think I no longer have the phone number... UGH

3 am interrogations are no fair

2007-05-21T12:26:00.000-06:00

So this morning around 3 am my phone rings. I still haven't learned not to pick up without looking at the number first... especially since CPE has started calling again, ugh - IDIOT.

Anyhoo, I picked up, the convo went something like this:

me: *groggy* "hewwow?"
Guy: *my name*.
me: "Yes?"
Guy: You don't remember me do you?
*uh oh*
me: "uhhhh... no?"
Guy: "Did you meet any guys at a concert about a year ago?"
me: "umm... was it a fall out boy concert?"
Guy: "haha, yeah, do you remember my name?"
me: "uhhh... uhhh..."
Guy: "It's will"
me: "Oh hey!! How're you?"
Will: "Doing good just bought a bar?"
me: "well that's awesome... congrats"
Will: "I was just calling and wanted to see if you wanted to come by sometime. You're in town now right?"
me: "I mean... not tonight, haha, and I'm actually north of you now, so maybe sometime soon."

It ended with him telling me to come by for free drinks and to give him a call...

*BACK STORY*

I met this kid at a fallout boy concert LAST YEAR. We got drunk together, made out, I got lost and my friend called me on his phone (so he got my number). I was leaving the country the day after the concert. He text me, I text him back that it was nice meeting him, he txt me "I'm never going see you again am i?" I replied "probably not." I haven't spoken to him since last april...

HOW RANDOM?!

So I don't know how to act. I like that he owns a bar (yay free drinks!) I don't like how it's far away, and I'm also not sure the whole reason he called. I mean - I'm technically dating navy...

ugh

What are "we"?

2007-05-03T21:03:00.000-06:00

I have issues. I really do.

Today navy cornered me and asked me what "we" were. I tried to dance around it, I cracked jokes, I played with my dog, and I didn't succeed in changing the topic whatsoever. He just kept asking, damn him. So I said "I don't know."

He countered with the typical, you're different when we're alone, why do you get weird and act like nothing is going on when we're out with friends, blah blah blah.

That's how a true playa roles homey (lol, I thought ghetto talk would fit nicely here), but no really. I really don't know what's wrong.

I've always been the anti-PDA girl, but it's getting worse. I don't even WANT people to know that I'm WITH navy. I find it slightly amusing when I see other girls hitting on him at the bar when I leave him to be with friends. I don't know why. He always looks over at me with this helpless sheepish grin, and tries to talk the drunk girl out of introducing him to her friend --- and instead of being the normal girl going over there to stake her claim... I carry on with my business.

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to be tied down - and so far, other than having some unsightly fungus from an aircraft carrier (GROSS GROSS GROSS) he's been utterly perfect... gross.

I want an out.

Tonight I kinda got one. He went to B's house to give her chocolate cake (see? perfect, he went to go make her feel better on my request... *sigh*) and she text me saying she found naughty pictures on his phone. There's NO WAY he'd have ANY naughty ANYTHING of mine on that thing, so I text her it was probably some other girl and that I was going to bed. Then I text navy asking what pictures she was talking about, and stopped replying to B's texts.

Three situations came to mind.
1. B was looking at pictures navy snapped of me on webcam
2. navy has pictures of a random ho
3. B was playing a joke she thought would be funny.

I reacted thinking it was situation number 3, but in the back of my head I thought "this is my out."

IS THAT NORMAL?!

I meet a hot guy, really into me, who talks to me while I'm a million miles away, and the second I can get out of it I jump on it?

Then B calls me to let me know that she was joking and --- get this: I cry.

Yep.

Not an all out cry, just like one of those chest tightening, one droplet release kind of cry's that makes you sound like it's an all out sob when it's not.

I need therapy. Seriously. This shit isn't normal.

So navy calls me after he leaves her house, asking if I was ok, and I'm like "yep, fiiiiiine" and he bought it. Funny thing is... I am fine, if you call numb fine.

T. H. E. R. A. P. Y.

I hope he doesn't ask what "we" are again, I don't want to deal with this shit.

My blog.

2007-05-02T12:06:00.000-06:00

I use to have a blog. No one read it except me. Then people found it, and liked it. These people seemed to like what I was saying and the secrets I shared. But then these people began to think they knew me. They started taking my blog from me. I would write about things that affected me which I couldn't speak to anyone about in the real world, and they would judge me.

So I've learned my lesson.

This is where I'll keep my secrets, where I'll share them with you without caring about your comments or reactions.

Welcome to my blog.