I don't know what to write.
I'm studying for yet another test in the millions required of my career. I can't bring myself to focus.
Have I stopped caring?
I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I don't know if I want to do anything anymore. I'm so tired of sacrificing my happiness for people who feel entitled for my training... and treat me like dirt.
I miss being appreciated.
I miss moniker.
I miss my family.
I miss my dogs.
I miss sleeping in.
I miss snow days.
I miss weekends.
I miss my 20's... I never got to live them anyway.
Am I going to have time to have a family?
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Is this it?
Medicine has made me forget who I am. Instead of the young hopeful doctor who thrives to help people, I've become a scared bitter individual who caters to the wants (not NEEDS) of people for fear of retribution. I have written countless rants on the blogger editor which will never see the light of virtual day due to fears of HIPAA, or my identity being ousted.
I'm tired.
I turned 30 this year. I have officially missed my 20's. My carefully planned life is about to climax and I'm too tired and poor to do anything I had hopes of accomplishing. My 6 day, 12 hour minimum work days are taking their toll. I have found my first grey(s), fearfully noted my first facial wrinkles, and would rather sleep than take advantage of amazing weather with a hike.
My parents have my pups because it wasn't fair to keep them locked up in the house while I worked my CRAZY hours, and I miss them. So I got a hamster, he died with a horrible cancer eating at his tiny face a little over a year after I got him. You can't make this up.
I avoid the TV, because any mention of how much doctors make by lawmakers with an agenda makes me angry. I just can't take any more stress.
I luckily stumbled upon the perfect man, and am happily headed towards my white picket fence and 2.5 children. Don't mind the $350k in debt, it's just a mortgage on my brain, I can probably pay it off by the time I'm 40 if they don't cut my potential earnings for dedicating my life to medicine.
I guess I just need to vent. Sometimes I dream about leaving the US and going to a country with a lack of doctors to treat people who actually need and appreciate me. This really is a thank-less job. I actually almost cried the last time I was told thank you by one of my patients.
Is this what my life has come to? I had the best intentions, and the system has *almost* won in its attempts at beating them out of me. I hate what I'm becoming, I never wanted this. I wanted to CHANGE this.
I'm tired.
I turned 30 this year. I have officially missed my 20's. My carefully planned life is about to climax and I'm too tired and poor to do anything I had hopes of accomplishing. My 6 day, 12 hour minimum work days are taking their toll. I have found my first grey(s), fearfully noted my first facial wrinkles, and would rather sleep than take advantage of amazing weather with a hike.
My parents have my pups because it wasn't fair to keep them locked up in the house while I worked my CRAZY hours, and I miss them. So I got a hamster, he died with a horrible cancer eating at his tiny face a little over a year after I got him. You can't make this up.
I avoid the TV, because any mention of how much doctors make by lawmakers with an agenda makes me angry. I just can't take any more stress.
I luckily stumbled upon the perfect man, and am happily headed towards my white picket fence and 2.5 children. Don't mind the $350k in debt, it's just a mortgage on my brain, I can probably pay it off by the time I'm 40 if they don't cut my potential earnings for dedicating my life to medicine.
I guess I just need to vent. Sometimes I dream about leaving the US and going to a country with a lack of doctors to treat people who actually need and appreciate me. This really is a thank-less job. I actually almost cried the last time I was told thank you by one of my patients.
Is this what my life has come to? I had the best intentions, and the system has *almost* won in its attempts at beating them out of me. I hate what I'm becoming, I never wanted this. I wanted to CHANGE this.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Goodbye (almost) Perfect
"Why did you stop talking to me?" he asked me for what seemed to be the hundredth time.
His fixed gaze burned into me from across the table as my attention focused on a droplet rolling down the side of his forgotten drink. My fingers mindlessly continued to fidget with my necklace as I realized the lounge was suddenly strangely quiet mid morning. I motioned to the waitress indicating I needed another refill for my coffee, my fourth, how unhealthy. The waitress could only save me so many times before his offending glare made it known she was imposing on a possibly important conversation.
I eventually glanced back over at him and shrugged, as I had every other time he asked me.
It had been over two years since I had cut him out of my life without so much as a second thought. A brief moment of clarity that resulted in the cutting ties with my offender, ignoring all forms of contact, mutual friends and potential run-ins. He had only tried to get through to me for roughly two weeks before giving up. A sign, in my mind, that I had made the right decision moving on.
We had done the obligatory small talk after running into each other. He, well dressed in his typical chic fashion, scouting the site of his interview the next day. Me? I was post call, tired and eager to get home to the comfort and warmth of my apartment - in other words, a disheveled mess. My heart initially jumped into my throat, leaving me a deer in the headlights with his seemingly rehearsed greeting and all too excited smile. The formalities extended to an invitation to share a drink and, after many uncomfortable attempts at a rain check, accepted with the disclaimer that it would have to be brief. An hour later, after catching up with each other and re-establishing our light-hearted banter, he is asking me the same uncomfortable question I'd already dodged countless times. I'm still wondering if I care enough to tell him, if it's even worth explaining.
"I told you," I reply, "We had just grown apart."
"Is that all?" He asks, pleading, "I just don't understand. I didn't even get a goodbye."
I allowed myself a moment to take a deep breath, his insistence at ignorance beginning to anger me.
How could I tell him that I had waited for him to realize our potential for almost 4 years. That I knew about Her. That I knew about his lies. How embarrassed I was when I was told by friends about his actions, and about how much faith I had put in our future together. How cutting him out of my life was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself, finally putting myself on track to the happiness I had always wanted.
"I think you know why." I stated firmly, finally returning and holding his stare.
"Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?" He asked, acknowledging the elephant in the room.
"What was there to talk about?" I asked, never taking my eyes off him as he now diverts his gaze. "You knew what you were doing. What difference would it have made? I wasn't going to stick around to continue making a fool out of myself." I continued, "Besides, it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"
He stopped to look at me, sadness and hope still lingering in his gaze.
"You know, we broke up." He stated, looking for a reaction, "It wasn't serious."
"I'm sorry," I replied, reaching again for my necklace, realizing why he was so happy to see me after so long. Damning myself for not remembering to wear it appropriately after work, especially during a time like this.
"Are you dating anyone?" He asked
"Yeah," I muttered, fidgeting with the clasp on my charm enhancer. Dreading the conversation I knew was coming. How could he not know?
"Oh really?" He stated, smirking, "do your parents like him?" knowing I had never introduced anyone to my parents, except him.
"They loved him," I replied, "even before I did."
My hands finally get my ring out of the charm enhancer around my neck and I slip it on looking at him. I feel his eyes burning into my left hand as I grab my freshly refilled coffee and take a big gulp, burning my mouth in the process.
We sit in silence staring out the window for what seems like forever, me nursing my now numb tongue until I finally look over at his nook of the table. His face white, eyes focused on a squirrel rummaging around a tree outside of the cafe.
"I'm happy," I said to the silence, looking back out the window, "He's everything I could have ever asked for."
Silence.
"I've always loved you," He finally said to the silence, a statement he's never verbalized in the years we had known each other.
Silence.
"I know," I reply, later adding, "I loved you too."
We sit for what feels like forever staring out over the city. My now cold, half drunk coffee nestled in my lap as I sit crookedly on my lounge chair, knees up, heels kicked back feeling my fatigue set in.
Eventually we talk, mostly about nothing, catching up on mutual friends and laughing about the old times. Two hours after our initial run-in, we finally get up to leave.
"You will always be the one that got away," he whispers in my ear as we mutter our goodbyes.
I look at him, remembering the days I wished to hear nothing more than those words from his mouth.
Now I want nothing to do with them.
"Oh please, you'll find someone perfect for you," I laugh it off breaking eye contact as I started walking towards the train, dismissing his invitation to drive me home." We never would have worked anyway," I called over my shoulder, thinking of Moniker and our future together smiling. The day was young, the sun was shining, and my life was exactly where I wanted to be.
His fixed gaze burned into me from across the table as my attention focused on a droplet rolling down the side of his forgotten drink. My fingers mindlessly continued to fidget with my necklace as I realized the lounge was suddenly strangely quiet mid morning. I motioned to the waitress indicating I needed another refill for my coffee, my fourth, how unhealthy. The waitress could only save me so many times before his offending glare made it known she was imposing on a possibly important conversation.
I eventually glanced back over at him and shrugged, as I had every other time he asked me.
It had been over two years since I had cut him out of my life without so much as a second thought. A brief moment of clarity that resulted in the cutting ties with my offender, ignoring all forms of contact, mutual friends and potential run-ins. He had only tried to get through to me for roughly two weeks before giving up. A sign, in my mind, that I had made the right decision moving on.
We had done the obligatory small talk after running into each other. He, well dressed in his typical chic fashion, scouting the site of his interview the next day. Me? I was post call, tired and eager to get home to the comfort and warmth of my apartment - in other words, a disheveled mess. My heart initially jumped into my throat, leaving me a deer in the headlights with his seemingly rehearsed greeting and all too excited smile. The formalities extended to an invitation to share a drink and, after many uncomfortable attempts at a rain check, accepted with the disclaimer that it would have to be brief. An hour later, after catching up with each other and re-establishing our light-hearted banter, he is asking me the same uncomfortable question I'd already dodged countless times. I'm still wondering if I care enough to tell him, if it's even worth explaining.
"I told you," I reply, "We had just grown apart."
"Is that all?" He asks, pleading, "I just don't understand. I didn't even get a goodbye."
I allowed myself a moment to take a deep breath, his insistence at ignorance beginning to anger me.
How could I tell him that I had waited for him to realize our potential for almost 4 years. That I knew about Her. That I knew about his lies. How embarrassed I was when I was told by friends about his actions, and about how much faith I had put in our future together. How cutting him out of my life was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself, finally putting myself on track to the happiness I had always wanted.
"I think you know why." I stated firmly, finally returning and holding his stare.
"Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?" He asked, acknowledging the elephant in the room.
"What was there to talk about?" I asked, never taking my eyes off him as he now diverts his gaze. "You knew what you were doing. What difference would it have made? I wasn't going to stick around to continue making a fool out of myself." I continued, "Besides, it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"
He stopped to look at me, sadness and hope still lingering in his gaze.
"You know, we broke up." He stated, looking for a reaction, "It wasn't serious."
"I'm sorry," I replied, reaching again for my necklace, realizing why he was so happy to see me after so long. Damning myself for not remembering to wear it appropriately after work, especially during a time like this.
"Are you dating anyone?" He asked
"Yeah," I muttered, fidgeting with the clasp on my charm enhancer. Dreading the conversation I knew was coming. How could he not know?
"Oh really?" He stated, smirking, "do your parents like him?" knowing I had never introduced anyone to my parents, except him.
"They loved him," I replied, "even before I did."
My hands finally get my ring out of the charm enhancer around my neck and I slip it on looking at him. I feel his eyes burning into my left hand as I grab my freshly refilled coffee and take a big gulp, burning my mouth in the process.
We sit in silence staring out the window for what seems like forever, me nursing my now numb tongue until I finally look over at his nook of the table. His face white, eyes focused on a squirrel rummaging around a tree outside of the cafe.
"I'm happy," I said to the silence, looking back out the window, "He's everything I could have ever asked for."
Silence.
"I've always loved you," He finally said to the silence, a statement he's never verbalized in the years we had known each other.
Silence.
"I know," I reply, later adding, "I loved you too."
We sit for what feels like forever staring out over the city. My now cold, half drunk coffee nestled in my lap as I sit crookedly on my lounge chair, knees up, heels kicked back feeling my fatigue set in.
Eventually we talk, mostly about nothing, catching up on mutual friends and laughing about the old times. Two hours after our initial run-in, we finally get up to leave.
"You will always be the one that got away," he whispers in my ear as we mutter our goodbyes.
I look at him, remembering the days I wished to hear nothing more than those words from his mouth.
Now I want nothing to do with them.
"Oh please, you'll find someone perfect for you," I laugh it off breaking eye contact as I started walking towards the train, dismissing his invitation to drive me home." We never would have worked anyway," I called over my shoulder, thinking of Moniker and our future together smiling. The day was young, the sun was shining, and my life was exactly where I wanted to be.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Moniker
I've been staring at this blank post for probably 20 minutes. My stolen internet fading in and out, and not allowing my procrastination to take hold.
I guess updates are in order...
They always say when you're least expecting something is usually the time you get it. I am not the exception. I've had... to say the least, a pretty rocky past with love. I had a skewed image of men, and had come to the point where I had convinced myself that to truly be happy I would have to live without love for the man I married in hopes of keeping what little patience I had left for the opposite sex. I debated on finding a nice, stable man, to... cohabitate with for the rest of my life in a loveless stable relationship that would never leave me hurting again.
I guess I was wrong.
I had known him the entire year before I gave him a chance. Even now I sat here for at least five minutes trying to think of a moniker for him, none of which give him his due credit. I guess I'll call him moniker? Nothing fits the man he is to me.
We worked together, and had apparently met early in our careers, by his notice - not mine. He, a 6'4" doof of a man, with the most beautiful blue eyes and dark hair that I easily glanced over while occupied with nonsense the better part of last year. He had apparently heard of others aiming to catch my attention and had not tried to approach me, other than saying hello in the halls (of which I was reminded of and told I never returned the hellos in passing - gah).
His opportunity came shortly after my last post when we were thrown into the hectic and fast paced ER together for multiple shifts, where he in his adorably passive way got a hold of my number by the promise of the hospital's all elusive wireless internet password (which he promised to flirt out of the nurses.) Thus began his attempt at a courtship, and my attempts to turn his advances into a friendship.
He wasn't my type. An overweight, unkempt, video gaming man with crooked teeth, a perma frown (like craters in between his eyes) and sticky palms was far from what I thought to be my prince charming. Though, he was amusing. His mind as sharp as a tack when it came to instant rebuttals or quick witted jokes with our surrounding environment. While attempting to treat hectic ED cases a quick look down the hall would find him staring back with a goofy lopsided grin and raised eyebrows - especially when attempting to control the pysch cases awaiting their labs to rule out organic causes prior to admission to the psych unit. Always sticking his head in the room to tell me about an "urgent call" when things were getting out of hand.
Conversation was usually initiated by him at that point, his attempts at dates turned into group hang outs where I would show up with distractions and groups of people. His attempts at movie nights would become a mini party at my house "oh! hi! I wasn't expecting you! A movie? sure!" while frantically texting everyone I knew to "drop by" in an effort to avoid an awkward situation.
Through the months (yes months), I began to look forward to our talks. He would show up with home made brownies (yes, he cooks) and movies in his attempts at making his intentions known. He would never talk about what he wanted hoping his hints were working, sending songs with lyrics suggestive of our relationship while I played stupid. Acting as if he were the best friend I always wanted without allowing him enough time to "make a move," running into my house or going into hiding when he would push me past my comfort zone. In hind sight I think I would have reacted almost the same with any man who tried to date me at that point. I was done with them.
At one point, he finally "made his move." On a drive back from a local bar, with friends in the back seat, he attempted to hold my hand.
My heart dropped, my hands went cold, and I quickly jerked away from him uncomfortable and upset that someone I liked so much wasn't content with just my friendship and had complicated our happy cohesive relationship by wanting more. I avoided him after that, confused by my reaction, and how much I missed him - we didn't speak for a week or two.
At the time I was on nights, a horribly hectic schedule where I slept all day and worked all night from 4pm - 9am. He was only meant to work at our hospital till the end of june before moving away- and it was two weeks till. I had heard the surgeons held their graduation at some point the week prior, vaguely realizing how long it had been since we'd talked as I walked out the hospital my last night on nights in a daze the morning everything changed.
The night had been particularly miserable, with sick patients being admitted, a couple codes and an extended morning for me in an attempt to complete all of my pending notes for the night. The way I left the hospital was a back little used doorway, using the darkest sunglasses I could find to protect my sun depraved eyes... and then I saw him. He was coming in to turn in his badge, parking in a little known spot closer to the hospital vs the employee parking lot located at the other end of the hospital. I didn't recognize him without his scrubs or his usual frumpy athletic gear commonly worn to hang out. I initially focused in to the tall dark haired man in nice grey dress slacks and a pale blue button down thinking "hmm, where did youuuu come from handsome?" until I realized who I was looking at.
That moment will stay with me forever.
I can only describe the feeling coming over me as... comfort. A warm rush of safety, security, relief and excitement that took over me as I realized I was seeing him before his move 6 hours away. Before knowing it, there he was in front of me with his contagious laugh, joking about how my night must have been looking the way I did, his big arms engulfing me as I, in my tired haze, sunk into them confused by my reaction. I coaxed him into eating lunch with me, "our last meal together," I told him, ignoring his rejections and attempts at escape. Later he would tell me he had given up on me, not wanting to put himself in a situation where he would get sucked back in.
I won, of course, and we ate. My inspection of his car en route showed multiple graduation programs and a place card with my name on it. He admitted he meant to invite me to the big event but ended up not after our last interaction... a horrible feeling I still live with. We ended up back at my house to watch a movie (our first alone) with me eventually falling asleep on my couch around 12pm while allowing him to, for once, sit close enough to me to have some sort of contact.
I woke up at 10am (almost 20 hours later), alone on my couch and in the dark with my privacy curtains closed. As far as I knew he had packed up his bags the day prior and already moved by that point. He was gone. I checked my phone for any missed calls or texts and sat back after I saw nothing from him confused about what my sleep deprived mine had been thinking.
I didn't understand my emotions surrounding his departure, I was still a mess.
Later I opened my door to check the mail and found a small stuffed animal (an animal he and I joked about often) sitting goofily on my front step staring up at me silently. Laughter exploded out of me as I grabbed it taking it inside to inspect it further. It had no note, but didn't need one... the message was clearly stated.
It has been almost 5-6 months that I've allowed him close enough to see parts of the real me. He's been patient, caring, and by far is the most amazing man I have ever met. He knows everything about my past, and allows me time - backing away when he senses he is pushing my comfort level too fast, and is attentive enough to know when I'm digging myself into a hole to persuade me out. He tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe him when he does - knowing I could be in my worse state he he would find what ever beauty there was in me to focus on. He is everything I have ever wanted on paper, and the things I found fault in physically are slowly evaporating - as I have now learned were due to his miserable life in the surgical residency. He has lost, possibly, a total of 30 pounds since his move and better schedule. His body the perfect type to cuddle in to, his eyes the most beautiful blue I have ever seen with the most playful yet genuine smile any person could possibly own. When I think of him my heart flutters, and I can't help but be thankful that I didn't allow petty superficial inconsistencies keep my from someone like him - with, of course, some flaws which I will likely blog about in the future.
My update? I'm happy. I believe everything happens for a reason, and the hell I went through was meant for me to learn to appreciate a man like the one I have now. The nice guy who was never given much of a chance by any other girl with the heart of gold. I'm amazed at how long it took me to realize what was sitting right in front of me, and I'm thankful I did. He makes me think of a happy future and has restored the little girl in me that dreamt of happy endings.
I hope this lasts... I'd hate to update this blog later with bitter man hating posts again, I really want to be done with those.
I guess updates are in order...
They always say when you're least expecting something is usually the time you get it. I am not the exception. I've had... to say the least, a pretty rocky past with love. I had a skewed image of men, and had come to the point where I had convinced myself that to truly be happy I would have to live without love for the man I married in hopes of keeping what little patience I had left for the opposite sex. I debated on finding a nice, stable man, to... cohabitate with for the rest of my life in a loveless stable relationship that would never leave me hurting again.
I guess I was wrong.
I had known him the entire year before I gave him a chance. Even now I sat here for at least five minutes trying to think of a moniker for him, none of which give him his due credit. I guess I'll call him moniker? Nothing fits the man he is to me.
We worked together, and had apparently met early in our careers, by his notice - not mine. He, a 6'4" doof of a man, with the most beautiful blue eyes and dark hair that I easily glanced over while occupied with nonsense the better part of last year. He had apparently heard of others aiming to catch my attention and had not tried to approach me, other than saying hello in the halls (of which I was reminded of and told I never returned the hellos in passing - gah).
His opportunity came shortly after my last post when we were thrown into the hectic and fast paced ER together for multiple shifts, where he in his adorably passive way got a hold of my number by the promise of the hospital's all elusive wireless internet password (which he promised to flirt out of the nurses.) Thus began his attempt at a courtship, and my attempts to turn his advances into a friendship.
He wasn't my type. An overweight, unkempt, video gaming man with crooked teeth, a perma frown (like craters in between his eyes) and sticky palms was far from what I thought to be my prince charming. Though, he was amusing. His mind as sharp as a tack when it came to instant rebuttals or quick witted jokes with our surrounding environment. While attempting to treat hectic ED cases a quick look down the hall would find him staring back with a goofy lopsided grin and raised eyebrows - especially when attempting to control the pysch cases awaiting their labs to rule out organic causes prior to admission to the psych unit. Always sticking his head in the room to tell me about an "urgent call" when things were getting out of hand.
Conversation was usually initiated by him at that point, his attempts at dates turned into group hang outs where I would show up with distractions and groups of people. His attempts at movie nights would become a mini party at my house "oh! hi! I wasn't expecting you! A movie? sure!" while frantically texting everyone I knew to "drop by" in an effort to avoid an awkward situation.
Through the months (yes months), I began to look forward to our talks. He would show up with home made brownies (yes, he cooks) and movies in his attempts at making his intentions known. He would never talk about what he wanted hoping his hints were working, sending songs with lyrics suggestive of our relationship while I played stupid. Acting as if he were the best friend I always wanted without allowing him enough time to "make a move," running into my house or going into hiding when he would push me past my comfort zone. In hind sight I think I would have reacted almost the same with any man who tried to date me at that point. I was done with them.
At one point, he finally "made his move." On a drive back from a local bar, with friends in the back seat, he attempted to hold my hand.
My heart dropped, my hands went cold, and I quickly jerked away from him uncomfortable and upset that someone I liked so much wasn't content with just my friendship and had complicated our happy cohesive relationship by wanting more. I avoided him after that, confused by my reaction, and how much I missed him - we didn't speak for a week or two.
At the time I was on nights, a horribly hectic schedule where I slept all day and worked all night from 4pm - 9am. He was only meant to work at our hospital till the end of june before moving away- and it was two weeks till. I had heard the surgeons held their graduation at some point the week prior, vaguely realizing how long it had been since we'd talked as I walked out the hospital my last night on nights in a daze the morning everything changed.
The night had been particularly miserable, with sick patients being admitted, a couple codes and an extended morning for me in an attempt to complete all of my pending notes for the night. The way I left the hospital was a back little used doorway, using the darkest sunglasses I could find to protect my sun depraved eyes... and then I saw him. He was coming in to turn in his badge, parking in a little known spot closer to the hospital vs the employee parking lot located at the other end of the hospital. I didn't recognize him without his scrubs or his usual frumpy athletic gear commonly worn to hang out. I initially focused in to the tall dark haired man in nice grey dress slacks and a pale blue button down thinking "hmm, where did youuuu come from handsome?" until I realized who I was looking at.
That moment will stay with me forever.
I can only describe the feeling coming over me as... comfort. A warm rush of safety, security, relief and excitement that took over me as I realized I was seeing him before his move 6 hours away. Before knowing it, there he was in front of me with his contagious laugh, joking about how my night must have been looking the way I did, his big arms engulfing me as I, in my tired haze, sunk into them confused by my reaction. I coaxed him into eating lunch with me, "our last meal together," I told him, ignoring his rejections and attempts at escape. Later he would tell me he had given up on me, not wanting to put himself in a situation where he would get sucked back in.
I won, of course, and we ate. My inspection of his car en route showed multiple graduation programs and a place card with my name on it. He admitted he meant to invite me to the big event but ended up not after our last interaction... a horrible feeling I still live with. We ended up back at my house to watch a movie (our first alone) with me eventually falling asleep on my couch around 12pm while allowing him to, for once, sit close enough to me to have some sort of contact.
I woke up at 10am (almost 20 hours later), alone on my couch and in the dark with my privacy curtains closed. As far as I knew he had packed up his bags the day prior and already moved by that point. He was gone. I checked my phone for any missed calls or texts and sat back after I saw nothing from him confused about what my sleep deprived mine had been thinking.
I didn't understand my emotions surrounding his departure, I was still a mess.
Later I opened my door to check the mail and found a small stuffed animal (an animal he and I joked about often) sitting goofily on my front step staring up at me silently. Laughter exploded out of me as I grabbed it taking it inside to inspect it further. It had no note, but didn't need one... the message was clearly stated.
It has been almost 5-6 months that I've allowed him close enough to see parts of the real me. He's been patient, caring, and by far is the most amazing man I have ever met. He knows everything about my past, and allows me time - backing away when he senses he is pushing my comfort level too fast, and is attentive enough to know when I'm digging myself into a hole to persuade me out. He tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe him when he does - knowing I could be in my worse state he he would find what ever beauty there was in me to focus on. He is everything I have ever wanted on paper, and the things I found fault in physically are slowly evaporating - as I have now learned were due to his miserable life in the surgical residency. He has lost, possibly, a total of 30 pounds since his move and better schedule. His body the perfect type to cuddle in to, his eyes the most beautiful blue I have ever seen with the most playful yet genuine smile any person could possibly own. When I think of him my heart flutters, and I can't help but be thankful that I didn't allow petty superficial inconsistencies keep my from someone like him - with, of course, some flaws which I will likely blog about in the future.
My update? I'm happy. I believe everything happens for a reason, and the hell I went through was meant for me to learn to appreciate a man like the one I have now. The nice guy who was never given much of a chance by any other girl with the heart of gold. I'm amazed at how long it took me to realize what was sitting right in front of me, and I'm thankful I did. He makes me think of a happy future and has restored the little girl in me that dreamt of happy endings.
I hope this lasts... I'd hate to update this blog later with bitter man hating posts again, I really want to be done with those.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Settling
I'm not sure when someone of my gender gets to this point, but it inevitably happens. Something happens that turns a girl who dreams of happy endings with her prince, to a woman who realizes a troll will probably worship her and she won't have to fight other princesses (with less moral character and easily spread thighs) off of him and fear that their happily ever after will end when the prince finds another princess.
I'm just about there.
I think after looking around I've realized a couple of things.
1. men who I am not completely interested in LOVE ME. It's got to be the chase. The less emotionally involved I am with them, the more they do/think about me.
2. when I begin to emotionally become attached to a man, and reciprocate their advances, they slowly disappear.
3. Guys my age are either married (and cheating), divorced, in single phase, or crazy
It seems to me the happiest marriages are those that end up with a beautiful girl and "that guy." You know the one I'm talking about. The one you look at and immediately make up a million reasons why a beautiful girl would end up with HIM. "He's gotta be rich, or have a huge penis, or famous." We've all thought it.
In actuality, it may be because he actually loves her. (or her looks, and she actually loves him)
I'd like to consider myself an 8. I don't think i'm drop dead gorgeous, but I do think I'm above average, and my education/job puts me from a 7 to an 8 on the attainometer. Studies have shown that people tend to go for those that are roughly the same degree of attractive as them. Therefore an 8 will usually settle for another 8, a 4 a 4, and so on and so forth. But do those people stay together?
With what i've seen in the past year of my life in the "real world", the answer is no. The amount of adulterous, DISGUSTING, relationships I see happening under my nose is enough to take any hopes of a fairy tale ending with my handsome, same leveled in attractiveness, prince and stomp them so far into the ground I couldn't possibly dig them out.
Not to mention my not so recent break up with rex that just had me in the dumps and unwilling to enter any relationship that seems even the slightest bit iffy. I am never breaking up with another boy again. the. end.
The recent doctor I spoke about in the blog prior - he for some reason gave me the kind of vibe that he may be a player. Why do I have that vibe? Because he emailed me though the hospital system and basically asked me out without ever having met me in person. My thoughts? If he emails me out of all the people in the whole hospital, who says he's not emailing other people and doing the same. He doesn't call me enough, and for some reason I've written him off because he's 1. too good looking, 2. makes too much money, and 3. too spastic with his contacting me to be someone who is of any value in putting any emotion into.
Scenario 2 comes into play with another doctor, not as good looking, nerdy, but seems to be a little awkward in his attempts at asking me out. My first date with him was horrible, he spoke the whole time, never let me finish a sentence without interrupting, I didn't get his jokes, we stayed out way past my bedtime and he kept making comments about my yawning and him boring me (which he kinda was, but whatever). In this case, however, I have more faith. I see less competition in a case like his, I couldn't imagine anyone fighting me for him, and he's good enough. Who cares if I clicked better with doctor #1, that I'm more attracted to him, or that he dresses and acts more refined than dr #2? The first one is too good to be true and could possibly leave me, and the second would probably treat me like gold.
Lets look at why? Because he's a 4 and I'm an 8. Our scale's are off, his job and stability putting him at maybe a comparable 8. His personality has some quirks, and I probably could eventually fall for him, like I do all my other men, because he is deep down a nice guy. But looks wise, we're far of, and I wouldn't have to worry about him straying far because he wouldn't want any other 4's in his pool. At least I'd hope...
I see myself giving dr #2 the benefit of the doubt, and dr #1 gets written off without a thought.
I see myself possibly settling, and I'm logistically telling myself how this will be a better thing.
I just need to actually become attracted to number 2... Personality is everything - I know this. I keep telling myself that he might have just been nervous our first date - because the first time we met we did actually hit it off. I don't know. I may be settling... and it may be the best thing for me. I'm sick of dating. I'm sick of hurting. And I'm definitely sick of all the other princesses out there sleeping with my very taken princes.
I'll take a troll over these annoyingly deceitful princes any day. A nice one, with a stable bridge, who wouldn't be snatching up any other princesses...
I'm just about there.
I think after looking around I've realized a couple of things.
1. men who I am not completely interested in LOVE ME. It's got to be the chase. The less emotionally involved I am with them, the more they do/think about me.
2. when I begin to emotionally become attached to a man, and reciprocate their advances, they slowly disappear.
3. Guys my age are either married (and cheating), divorced, in single phase, or crazy
It seems to me the happiest marriages are those that end up with a beautiful girl and "that guy." You know the one I'm talking about. The one you look at and immediately make up a million reasons why a beautiful girl would end up with HIM. "He's gotta be rich, or have a huge penis, or famous." We've all thought it.
In actuality, it may be because he actually loves her. (or her looks, and she actually loves him)
I'd like to consider myself an 8. I don't think i'm drop dead gorgeous, but I do think I'm above average, and my education/job puts me from a 7 to an 8 on the attainometer. Studies have shown that people tend to go for those that are roughly the same degree of attractive as them. Therefore an 8 will usually settle for another 8, a 4 a 4, and so on and so forth. But do those people stay together?
With what i've seen in the past year of my life in the "real world", the answer is no. The amount of adulterous, DISGUSTING, relationships I see happening under my nose is enough to take any hopes of a fairy tale ending with my handsome, same leveled in attractiveness, prince and stomp them so far into the ground I couldn't possibly dig them out.
Not to mention my not so recent break up with rex that just had me in the dumps and unwilling to enter any relationship that seems even the slightest bit iffy. I am never breaking up with another boy again. the. end.
The recent doctor I spoke about in the blog prior - he for some reason gave me the kind of vibe that he may be a player. Why do I have that vibe? Because he emailed me though the hospital system and basically asked me out without ever having met me in person. My thoughts? If he emails me out of all the people in the whole hospital, who says he's not emailing other people and doing the same. He doesn't call me enough, and for some reason I've written him off because he's 1. too good looking, 2. makes too much money, and 3. too spastic with his contacting me to be someone who is of any value in putting any emotion into.
Scenario 2 comes into play with another doctor, not as good looking, nerdy, but seems to be a little awkward in his attempts at asking me out. My first date with him was horrible, he spoke the whole time, never let me finish a sentence without interrupting, I didn't get his jokes, we stayed out way past my bedtime and he kept making comments about my yawning and him boring me (which he kinda was, but whatever). In this case, however, I have more faith. I see less competition in a case like his, I couldn't imagine anyone fighting me for him, and he's good enough. Who cares if I clicked better with doctor #1, that I'm more attracted to him, or that he dresses and acts more refined than dr #2? The first one is too good to be true and could possibly leave me, and the second would probably treat me like gold.
Lets look at why? Because he's a 4 and I'm an 8. Our scale's are off, his job and stability putting him at maybe a comparable 8. His personality has some quirks, and I probably could eventually fall for him, like I do all my other men, because he is deep down a nice guy. But looks wise, we're far of, and I wouldn't have to worry about him straying far because he wouldn't want any other 4's in his pool. At least I'd hope...
I see myself giving dr #2 the benefit of the doubt, and dr #1 gets written off without a thought.
I see myself possibly settling, and I'm logistically telling myself how this will be a better thing.
I just need to actually become attracted to number 2... Personality is everything - I know this. I keep telling myself that he might have just been nervous our first date - because the first time we met we did actually hit it off. I don't know. I may be settling... and it may be the best thing for me. I'm sick of dating. I'm sick of hurting. And I'm definitely sick of all the other princesses out there sleeping with my very taken princes.
I'll take a troll over these annoyingly deceitful princes any day. A nice one, with a stable bridge, who wouldn't be snatching up any other princesses...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Closure
It's a wonderful thing. Something I guess I've never really fully appreciated till I had dinner with rex over a month and some change ago. Until that moment I thought of him daily, after - I realized that my initial decision to break up was the right one, and I just needed to understand the reasons behind the cold emotionless mailing of my box of shit.
Within a week I stopped thinking about him all the time, and over the past month or so we've drifted to a state of non-communication. But this time, it's not weird, I could contact if I wanted to, I just don't feel the need like I did before.
It seems the new year brought me a wave of men, fate asking me to juggle them and pick one, and just as suddenly as they appear - they're gone.
My male friend from new years moved out of the country, and I have little to no contact with him. I still kinda think, what if, with that one... we did click on a friendship level, he was attractive, smart, and kind. I just put him in friend mode when I first met him (he had a girlfriend - or headed that way with one girl) and never upgraded him to a possibility when he became single.
There was another doctor in the hospital that also started poking around. He is an interesting case I'll have to explain to the blog at some point. Surprisingly as quickly as he came he disappeared - though there might be an explanation to this and the story may not be over yet.
Happily, though, I'm back to my pre-rex state of happiness. I love my job, I love my house, I miss my puppies, and I'm back into the grove and working on the floors (something that others complain about but I love.)
I love what I do, and think I may be a workaholic. I'm forming more bonds with my patients than those in my life - which may be a sort of coping mechanism being so far from my family and thrown into a foreign environment, but it's ok for now.
Thank god for closure - I'm back to being me, and not fixating on why a guy I barely knew sent me a box of my shit after breaking up with him and not talking to me anymore. How petty and stupid it sounds when I realize how meaningless it all was.
Within a week I stopped thinking about him all the time, and over the past month or so we've drifted to a state of non-communication. But this time, it's not weird, I could contact if I wanted to, I just don't feel the need like I did before.
It seems the new year brought me a wave of men, fate asking me to juggle them and pick one, and just as suddenly as they appear - they're gone.
My male friend from new years moved out of the country, and I have little to no contact with him. I still kinda think, what if, with that one... we did click on a friendship level, he was attractive, smart, and kind. I just put him in friend mode when I first met him (he had a girlfriend - or headed that way with one girl) and never upgraded him to a possibility when he became single.
There was another doctor in the hospital that also started poking around. He is an interesting case I'll have to explain to the blog at some point. Surprisingly as quickly as he came he disappeared - though there might be an explanation to this and the story may not be over yet.
Happily, though, I'm back to my pre-rex state of happiness. I love my job, I love my house, I miss my puppies, and I'm back into the grove and working on the floors (something that others complain about but I love.)
I love what I do, and think I may be a workaholic. I'm forming more bonds with my patients than those in my life - which may be a sort of coping mechanism being so far from my family and thrown into a foreign environment, but it's ok for now.
Thank god for closure - I'm back to being me, and not fixating on why a guy I barely knew sent me a box of my shit after breaking up with him and not talking to me anymore. How petty and stupid it sounds when I realize how meaningless it all was.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Happy new year
The unthinkable happened, I shared this blog with someone I know. She's going through something now which resembles what I went through with navy, only worse... and I figured her reading this thing might be beneficial... but I dunno if she'll actually read it.
Updates:
Rex called my a couple days before christmas wishing me a happy holiday. I was floored, as we hadn't exchanged so much as a 3 - 4 texts in the past four months, that he would contact me. Me? Of course I still thought about him EVERY DAY (what is wrong with me) and only stared at his name as my ringer went off. I didn't answer, he text, I text back... it was unsettling.
So I thought about him more. I planned on going to a neighboring large city for new years with someone I worked with, and a very good guy friend of mine who was living about 2 hours south. New years eve I wake up, and realized that unless I contacted rex at some point before leaving for my trip, I was most probably going to end up drunk dialing him and making an ass out of myself. With that small little light going off in my head, I grabbed my phone, and four months of telephone silence ended without thought and a quick dial of the phone.
I didn't even realize what I was doing until the third ring when I realized I WAS CALLING HIM, and as an after thought, he might not pick up.
He picked up, right before voicemail got to me, with probably the same surprise in his voice that I felt realizing I called him.
We talked for an hour. I told him I was calling to wish him a happy new year, he immediately started to word vomit about his life without prompting. How he was doing, how he was changing everything about him I'd pointed out in the break up, how he tried dating but "no one compared to you." I don't think i've ever been at such a loss for words. I still think about it and get shocked thinking about how it all went down. The conversation ended on a light note after he asked me questions about myself, like, if I was dating anyone, and my plans for new years.
And that was that. I called Rex. We spoke. I didn't know what to make of it.
So new years comes around... and me, who hasn't let any boy near her since rex, ends up getting shitfaced and making out with the the only guy I've been close to for the past couple of months (maybe another blog to explain). I wake up with his arm draped around me, cuddled in close. Take a moment to focus through my headache as he kissed my neck and reach for my phone.
Text message from rex: "so did your new years go off with a bang?"
...mother effer.
My response? "It was definitely interesting"
Long story short, the next couple of days were very uncomfortable. I didn't have my best friend to talk to, I had rex texting every day, and I was still in shock from the recent turn of events. In the end my best friend and I went back to normal terms after i told him that although I didn't regret what happened, I didn't think of him in that way - which he agreed to feeling as well.
I met rex for dinner the following week. I asked him about the emotionless package, I told him almost everything I've blogged about here, and I basically got my closure.
I asked him "what now"
His response? "I want to see you, as much as you'll let me. Daily, weekly, monthly, whatever you're comfortable with."
And that's where we are now... I'm still confused. I still don't think we would work with each other. And I still don't know why I think about him all the time.
I thought this stuff went away after high school.
Updates:
Rex called my a couple days before christmas wishing me a happy holiday. I was floored, as we hadn't exchanged so much as a 3 - 4 texts in the past four months, that he would contact me. Me? Of course I still thought about him EVERY DAY (what is wrong with me) and only stared at his name as my ringer went off. I didn't answer, he text, I text back... it was unsettling.
So I thought about him more. I planned on going to a neighboring large city for new years with someone I worked with, and a very good guy friend of mine who was living about 2 hours south. New years eve I wake up, and realized that unless I contacted rex at some point before leaving for my trip, I was most probably going to end up drunk dialing him and making an ass out of myself. With that small little light going off in my head, I grabbed my phone, and four months of telephone silence ended without thought and a quick dial of the phone.
I didn't even realize what I was doing until the third ring when I realized I WAS CALLING HIM, and as an after thought, he might not pick up.
He picked up, right before voicemail got to me, with probably the same surprise in his voice that I felt realizing I called him.
We talked for an hour. I told him I was calling to wish him a happy new year, he immediately started to word vomit about his life without prompting. How he was doing, how he was changing everything about him I'd pointed out in the break up, how he tried dating but "no one compared to you." I don't think i've ever been at such a loss for words. I still think about it and get shocked thinking about how it all went down. The conversation ended on a light note after he asked me questions about myself, like, if I was dating anyone, and my plans for new years.
And that was that. I called Rex. We spoke. I didn't know what to make of it.
So new years comes around... and me, who hasn't let any boy near her since rex, ends up getting shitfaced and making out with the the only guy I've been close to for the past couple of months (maybe another blog to explain). I wake up with his arm draped around me, cuddled in close. Take a moment to focus through my headache as he kissed my neck and reach for my phone.
Text message from rex: "so did your new years go off with a bang?"
...mother effer.
My response? "It was definitely interesting"
Long story short, the next couple of days were very uncomfortable. I didn't have my best friend to talk to, I had rex texting every day, and I was still in shock from the recent turn of events. In the end my best friend and I went back to normal terms after i told him that although I didn't regret what happened, I didn't think of him in that way - which he agreed to feeling as well.
I met rex for dinner the following week. I asked him about the emotionless package, I told him almost everything I've blogged about here, and I basically got my closure.
I asked him "what now"
His response? "I want to see you, as much as you'll let me. Daily, weekly, monthly, whatever you're comfortable with."
And that's where we are now... I'm still confused. I still don't think we would work with each other. And I still don't know why I think about him all the time.
I thought this stuff went away after high school.
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