Spiderman's got nothing on me

The other morning I wake up with my dog clawing my arm wimpering to go out. When he was a puppy I loved his ears, they were big, floppy, and omg soft. Now with him hovering over my face pawing, I wanted to grab him and play helicopter to see how far I could tote him away from me...

None the less, I groggily got up picked out work clothes through squinted eyes and sauntered over to the door to get his leash and take him out.

*side note* By the door we have the key stand. This is to place keys on so that they're easily accessible when you want to leave. My door is one of those annoying "always unlocked but you don't know if it's locked outside" doors.

(see where I'm going with this? Back to being groggy)

So I (in full work clothes and slippers) go to the door, look at my keys, and slam the door shut before my brain tells me to grab them.

Shit.

Immediate thought? Try door...

Locked.

SHIT.

I am now standing outside of my door with a whining pulling dog who needs to pee, without phone, key, or a number memorized to help me get back in. Oh yeah, did I mention I haven't told my landlord about my dog yet?... whoops.

Then I remember we left a window open in the living room.

YAAAAAAAAAAY, I'm saved!

Problem is, I live on the second floor... ok, plan B --- there's a fire escape I can climb...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I'm saved!!!

So I, content with this plan, take my doggie downstairs to pee, and carefully leave the front door open so I can get back in. While letting doggie roam in his favorite pee spot, I scout the perfect branch to help me knock down the fire escape. Plan B consists of knocking lever, stairs falling, me climbing.

So I head back to the door and start whacking (yes I did jump up and down while doing it) with all my might. But doggie was being a little brat and he was still tugging, so I was technically doing it one handed. So I took the loop of his leash, and looped it on some hook on the building.

This brought along plan C. After whacking a little bit (ok a lot bit) and realizing it wasn't working, I brilliantly devised a plan that would loop my dog's leash on the lever so that I may pull it with all my might, causing the stairs to fall, so that I may climb, and break into my living room window.

Problem: Doggie is attached to leash, and is a frequent runner when set loose.

I decide to stick him in the apt. building, and so I could make sure I didn't get locked out - I would pull the carpet over to the door to make sure it didn't shut all the way.

BRILLIANT!

So I take doggie inside, unclip him, and move carpet. It's all moving according to plan. Now -- before I go on, doggie is a very smart dog. He can find a way out of anything. He also has separation anxiety, and will stop at nothing to get to me if I'm nearby. --- So while closing the door behind me, to make sure he doesn't get out... I PULL THE DOOR AS TIGHT AS POSSIBLE TO MAKE SURE ITS CLOSED!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Upon realizing this mistake, my instant thought: Try door

Locked

SHIT!!!
Now the puppy that no one knows i have is on the other side yelping and digging trying to get to me, and I'm on the other side in work clothes, slippers, and a leash with no dog.

*groan*

It's ok, on with the plan.

After a few lasso attempts, I hook the lever (YAY!) I tug a lot and it gets loose (YAY!) I tug some more and pull it free (YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!) Stairs start falling (YAY!) too fast (uh oh) *CRASH*

SHIT.

Then stairs start moving back up to the side (SHIT SHIT SHIT)

So I make a flying leap, to catch the stairs, I need to climb, after pulling the lever, so that I may break into my living room window.

I catch the stairs, take a deep breath, and start climbing.

Eventually I make it to my apartment, I unhinge the window, move our pet goldfish bernadette (who has thyrotoxicosis and the bulging eyes to go with it) and climb my way in. I run to the door to run downstairs and grab doggie --- only to find him sitting in front of the door with his tail wagging.

Little shit.

I grab the phone and call work to tell them I'm going to be late.

I look back at the room.

The screen is unhooked, the fire escape is down - and I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood has seen me in my work clothes and slippers thinking I'm some sort of hoodlum trying to break in.

So I open our fire escape window and go back out to fix my mess. (doggie starts barking at momma to come back in because she's too far away)

I fix the screen and make my way over to the fire escape to push the lever back into place, that allowed me to climb the stairs, to my apartment, and break into my living room window. Easy, right?

So I position myself (still in work clothes, and slippers) grab the stairs, and pull.

OOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

THIS SHIT WILL NOT COME BACK UP!

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

but wait!

The stairs have a counter lever platform. If I can get on that, and push it down, while pulling the lever to hold the stairs into place, I'm golden! However, this requires me to bend my body in very unnatural angles THROUGH the stairs while still grappling the railing and controlling the lever.

I try anyway.

After 10 minutes of karma sutra, yoga, whatever the hell it is people in the circus do that bends their bodies into extended unnatural shapes - I mustered enough of my body onto the platform, to lift the stairs, so that I may push the lever into place.

it took 5 minutes to get my body out of the position i put it in to get pressure on that damn platform, but I hike it back through my window, quiet my dog, put my hair in a ponytail and rush out of my house --- only to make it to work 10 minutes early, looking like shit, with a grease stain on my shirt.

BUT I had my keys in hand, cell phone, and I beat it before the other intern. TAKE THAT SPIDERMAN!