Stop pretending

I need to stop. I am at the peak of self evaluation and self assesment right now. Sometimes I wonder if I'm best to myself when I'm miserable - because I actually take the time to look at myself and figure out what's wrong with me. I start doing things for myself, I start acting for myself, I see myself.

What do I see?

A broken excuse of a girl who is expected to be a woman and understand all aspects of life from a logical and ethical stand point yet has no idea what's going on with herself or those around her.

I'm scared.

I'm scared to become a doctor and have someone's life in my hands, I'm scared of ending up alone and childless (yes I admit it), I'm scared that navy's easy return to singlehood means I'm easily forgettable and meant nothing to him, and I'm scared that in some way I have some kind of social abnormality where only those who aren't close to me like me, but the second I let people in they run away screaming.

I'm scared I'm a complete contradiction and will never be able to fix myself.

I scared that I'm only happy when I'm alone, and that is the only time I take care of myself because it seems that in a relationship I only care about the person I love (which unfortunately isn't me).

I re read old posts and I sound cocky - I'm definitely not. I think maybe it's me talking to myself. Telling myself the reality I should live in. I go through phases where I know how I should be, who I am, and what I'm worth. It seems like it's only those times I blog - not for others to read, but for myself.

I'm SCREAMING at myself that I AM WORTH IT. I AM AMAZING. I DESERVE EVERYTHING I WANT.It's those times when I read, re read, and believe my posts.

I read it as though my mentor is talking to me. Yes, you're right, I do deserve more. How dare anyone see me for less than I am. RAWR. Me strong like bull.

But I'm not cocky nor self assertive. I devalue and put myself down daily. I don't see how amazing I am, I constantly think I could be smarter, prettier, BETTER than I am. I settle on people... navy for example... because they put effort into me, and that means they think I'm special. It takes awhile for the wall to come down, but when it does it's a bitch to rebuild.

Why is this true? Example:
Let's see everything I've done for MYSELF since ending the navy era:
- Cut hair
- Moved to NYC, living alone (though this was already planned in advance... meh)
- Bought nice new super high tech phone
- Started eating healthy
- Joined gym
- Bought the hot pink nail polish I've been craving for 4 months and painted my nails.
- Gave self a mini spa, including waxing and fun facial things I had bought 8 months ago.

I become miserable only when I think of other's images of me, and only think they see the worse. My self esteem is HORRIBLE, even when I have people constantly telling me how beautiful, smart, giving... etc, I am. I don't know why I don't believe them. Maybe I think they have to say that. I guess I take it for granted. I find myself blogging about how so and so hit on me and how it annoys me - why don't I appreciate the attention I get? Why do I brush it off and then wonder why I'm alone? Why do I break up with someone knowing its never going to go anywhere, and becoming upset that he's not broken after I left?

GAH!

Therefore I demand you all love me. Now. I mean it. I am amazing. Can't you see? I know everythiing, and I know I'm awesome. :)

Good now that we all see eye to eye... I'll leave you to think of me.
Always.
Me.
ME ME ME.