I don't know what to write.
I'm studying for yet another test in the millions required of my career. I can't bring myself to focus.
Have I stopped caring?
I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I don't know if I want to do anything anymore. I'm so tired of sacrificing my happiness for people who feel entitled for my training... and treat me like dirt.
I miss being appreciated.
I miss moniker.
I miss my family.
I miss my dogs.
I miss sleeping in.
I miss snow days.
I miss weekends.
I miss my 20's... I never got to live them anyway.
Am I going to have time to have a family?
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Is this it?
Medicine has made me forget who I am. Instead of the young hopeful doctor who thrives to help people, I've become a scared bitter individual who caters to the wants (not NEEDS) of people for fear of retribution. I have written countless rants on the blogger editor which will never see the light of virtual day due to fears of HIPAA, or my identity being ousted.
I'm tired.
I turned 30 this year. I have officially missed my 20's. My carefully planned life is about to climax and I'm too tired and poor to do anything I had hopes of accomplishing. My 6 day, 12 hour minimum work days are taking their toll. I have found my first grey(s), fearfully noted my first facial wrinkles, and would rather sleep than take advantage of amazing weather with a hike.
My parents have my pups because it wasn't fair to keep them locked up in the house while I worked my CRAZY hours, and I miss them. So I got a hamster, he died with a horrible cancer eating at his tiny face a little over a year after I got him. You can't make this up.
I avoid the TV, because any mention of how much doctors make by lawmakers with an agenda makes me angry. I just can't take any more stress.
I luckily stumbled upon the perfect man, and am happily headed towards my white picket fence and 2.5 children. Don't mind the $350k in debt, it's just a mortgage on my brain, I can probably pay it off by the time I'm 40 if they don't cut my potential earnings for dedicating my life to medicine.
I guess I just need to vent. Sometimes I dream about leaving the US and going to a country with a lack of doctors to treat people who actually need and appreciate me. This really is a thank-less job. I actually almost cried the last time I was told thank you by one of my patients.
Is this what my life has come to? I had the best intentions, and the system has *almost* won in its attempts at beating them out of me. I hate what I'm becoming, I never wanted this. I wanted to CHANGE this.
I'm tired.
I turned 30 this year. I have officially missed my 20's. My carefully planned life is about to climax and I'm too tired and poor to do anything I had hopes of accomplishing. My 6 day, 12 hour minimum work days are taking their toll. I have found my first grey(s), fearfully noted my first facial wrinkles, and would rather sleep than take advantage of amazing weather with a hike.
My parents have my pups because it wasn't fair to keep them locked up in the house while I worked my CRAZY hours, and I miss them. So I got a hamster, he died with a horrible cancer eating at his tiny face a little over a year after I got him. You can't make this up.
I avoid the TV, because any mention of how much doctors make by lawmakers with an agenda makes me angry. I just can't take any more stress.
I luckily stumbled upon the perfect man, and am happily headed towards my white picket fence and 2.5 children. Don't mind the $350k in debt, it's just a mortgage on my brain, I can probably pay it off by the time I'm 40 if they don't cut my potential earnings for dedicating my life to medicine.
I guess I just need to vent. Sometimes I dream about leaving the US and going to a country with a lack of doctors to treat people who actually need and appreciate me. This really is a thank-less job. I actually almost cried the last time I was told thank you by one of my patients.
Is this what my life has come to? I had the best intentions, and the system has *almost* won in its attempts at beating them out of me. I hate what I'm becoming, I never wanted this. I wanted to CHANGE this.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Goodbye (almost) Perfect
"Why did you stop talking to me?" he asked me for what seemed to be the hundredth time.
His fixed gaze burned into me from across the table as my attention focused on a droplet rolling down the side of his forgotten drink. My fingers mindlessly continued to fidget with my necklace as I realized the lounge was suddenly strangely quiet mid morning. I motioned to the waitress indicating I needed another refill for my coffee, my fourth, how unhealthy. The waitress could only save me so many times before his offending glare made it known she was imposing on a possibly important conversation.
I eventually glanced back over at him and shrugged, as I had every other time he asked me.
It had been over two years since I had cut him out of my life without so much as a second thought. A brief moment of clarity that resulted in the cutting ties with my offender, ignoring all forms of contact, mutual friends and potential run-ins. He had only tried to get through to me for roughly two weeks before giving up. A sign, in my mind, that I had made the right decision moving on.
We had done the obligatory small talk after running into each other. He, well dressed in his typical chic fashion, scouting the site of his interview the next day. Me? I was post call, tired and eager to get home to the comfort and warmth of my apartment - in other words, a disheveled mess. My heart initially jumped into my throat, leaving me a deer in the headlights with his seemingly rehearsed greeting and all too excited smile. The formalities extended to an invitation to share a drink and, after many uncomfortable attempts at a rain check, accepted with the disclaimer that it would have to be brief. An hour later, after catching up with each other and re-establishing our light-hearted banter, he is asking me the same uncomfortable question I'd already dodged countless times. I'm still wondering if I care enough to tell him, if it's even worth explaining.
"I told you," I reply, "We had just grown apart."
"Is that all?" He asks, pleading, "I just don't understand. I didn't even get a goodbye."
I allowed myself a moment to take a deep breath, his insistence at ignorance beginning to anger me.
How could I tell him that I had waited for him to realize our potential for almost 4 years. That I knew about Her. That I knew about his lies. How embarrassed I was when I was told by friends about his actions, and about how much faith I had put in our future together. How cutting him out of my life was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself, finally putting myself on track to the happiness I had always wanted.
"I think you know why." I stated firmly, finally returning and holding his stare.
"Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?" He asked, acknowledging the elephant in the room.
"What was there to talk about?" I asked, never taking my eyes off him as he now diverts his gaze. "You knew what you were doing. What difference would it have made? I wasn't going to stick around to continue making a fool out of myself." I continued, "Besides, it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"
He stopped to look at me, sadness and hope still lingering in his gaze.
"You know, we broke up." He stated, looking for a reaction, "It wasn't serious."
"I'm sorry," I replied, reaching again for my necklace, realizing why he was so happy to see me after so long. Damning myself for not remembering to wear it appropriately after work, especially during a time like this.
"Are you dating anyone?" He asked
"Yeah," I muttered, fidgeting with the clasp on my charm enhancer. Dreading the conversation I knew was coming. How could he not know?
"Oh really?" He stated, smirking, "do your parents like him?" knowing I had never introduced anyone to my parents, except him.
"They loved him," I replied, "even before I did."
My hands finally get my ring out of the charm enhancer around my neck and I slip it on looking at him. I feel his eyes burning into my left hand as I grab my freshly refilled coffee and take a big gulp, burning my mouth in the process.
We sit in silence staring out the window for what seems like forever, me nursing my now numb tongue until I finally look over at his nook of the table. His face white, eyes focused on a squirrel rummaging around a tree outside of the cafe.
"I'm happy," I said to the silence, looking back out the window, "He's everything I could have ever asked for."
Silence.
"I've always loved you," He finally said to the silence, a statement he's never verbalized in the years we had known each other.
Silence.
"I know," I reply, later adding, "I loved you too."
We sit for what feels like forever staring out over the city. My now cold, half drunk coffee nestled in my lap as I sit crookedly on my lounge chair, knees up, heels kicked back feeling my fatigue set in.
Eventually we talk, mostly about nothing, catching up on mutual friends and laughing about the old times. Two hours after our initial run-in, we finally get up to leave.
"You will always be the one that got away," he whispers in my ear as we mutter our goodbyes.
I look at him, remembering the days I wished to hear nothing more than those words from his mouth.
Now I want nothing to do with them.
"Oh please, you'll find someone perfect for you," I laugh it off breaking eye contact as I started walking towards the train, dismissing his invitation to drive me home." We never would have worked anyway," I called over my shoulder, thinking of Moniker and our future together smiling. The day was young, the sun was shining, and my life was exactly where I wanted to be.
His fixed gaze burned into me from across the table as my attention focused on a droplet rolling down the side of his forgotten drink. My fingers mindlessly continued to fidget with my necklace as I realized the lounge was suddenly strangely quiet mid morning. I motioned to the waitress indicating I needed another refill for my coffee, my fourth, how unhealthy. The waitress could only save me so many times before his offending glare made it known she was imposing on a possibly important conversation.
I eventually glanced back over at him and shrugged, as I had every other time he asked me.
It had been over two years since I had cut him out of my life without so much as a second thought. A brief moment of clarity that resulted in the cutting ties with my offender, ignoring all forms of contact, mutual friends and potential run-ins. He had only tried to get through to me for roughly two weeks before giving up. A sign, in my mind, that I had made the right decision moving on.
We had done the obligatory small talk after running into each other. He, well dressed in his typical chic fashion, scouting the site of his interview the next day. Me? I was post call, tired and eager to get home to the comfort and warmth of my apartment - in other words, a disheveled mess. My heart initially jumped into my throat, leaving me a deer in the headlights with his seemingly rehearsed greeting and all too excited smile. The formalities extended to an invitation to share a drink and, after many uncomfortable attempts at a rain check, accepted with the disclaimer that it would have to be brief. An hour later, after catching up with each other and re-establishing our light-hearted banter, he is asking me the same uncomfortable question I'd already dodged countless times. I'm still wondering if I care enough to tell him, if it's even worth explaining.
"I told you," I reply, "We had just grown apart."
"Is that all?" He asks, pleading, "I just don't understand. I didn't even get a goodbye."
I allowed myself a moment to take a deep breath, his insistence at ignorance beginning to anger me.
How could I tell him that I had waited for him to realize our potential for almost 4 years. That I knew about Her. That I knew about his lies. How embarrassed I was when I was told by friends about his actions, and about how much faith I had put in our future together. How cutting him out of my life was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself, finally putting myself on track to the happiness I had always wanted.
"I think you know why." I stated firmly, finally returning and holding his stare.
"Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?" He asked, acknowledging the elephant in the room.
"What was there to talk about?" I asked, never taking my eyes off him as he now diverts his gaze. "You knew what you were doing. What difference would it have made? I wasn't going to stick around to continue making a fool out of myself." I continued, "Besides, it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"
He stopped to look at me, sadness and hope still lingering in his gaze.
"You know, we broke up." He stated, looking for a reaction, "It wasn't serious."
"I'm sorry," I replied, reaching again for my necklace, realizing why he was so happy to see me after so long. Damning myself for not remembering to wear it appropriately after work, especially during a time like this.
"Are you dating anyone?" He asked
"Yeah," I muttered, fidgeting with the clasp on my charm enhancer. Dreading the conversation I knew was coming. How could he not know?
"Oh really?" He stated, smirking, "do your parents like him?" knowing I had never introduced anyone to my parents, except him.
"They loved him," I replied, "even before I did."
My hands finally get my ring out of the charm enhancer around my neck and I slip it on looking at him. I feel his eyes burning into my left hand as I grab my freshly refilled coffee and take a big gulp, burning my mouth in the process.
We sit in silence staring out the window for what seems like forever, me nursing my now numb tongue until I finally look over at his nook of the table. His face white, eyes focused on a squirrel rummaging around a tree outside of the cafe.
"I'm happy," I said to the silence, looking back out the window, "He's everything I could have ever asked for."
Silence.
"I've always loved you," He finally said to the silence, a statement he's never verbalized in the years we had known each other.
Silence.
"I know," I reply, later adding, "I loved you too."
We sit for what feels like forever staring out over the city. My now cold, half drunk coffee nestled in my lap as I sit crookedly on my lounge chair, knees up, heels kicked back feeling my fatigue set in.
Eventually we talk, mostly about nothing, catching up on mutual friends and laughing about the old times. Two hours after our initial run-in, we finally get up to leave.
"You will always be the one that got away," he whispers in my ear as we mutter our goodbyes.
I look at him, remembering the days I wished to hear nothing more than those words from his mouth.
Now I want nothing to do with them.
"Oh please, you'll find someone perfect for you," I laugh it off breaking eye contact as I started walking towards the train, dismissing his invitation to drive me home." We never would have worked anyway," I called over my shoulder, thinking of Moniker and our future together smiling. The day was young, the sun was shining, and my life was exactly where I wanted to be.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Moniker
I've been staring at this blank post for probably 20 minutes. My stolen internet fading in and out, and not allowing my procrastination to take hold.
I guess updates are in order...
They always say when you're least expecting something is usually the time you get it. I am not the exception. I've had... to say the least, a pretty rocky past with love. I had a skewed image of men, and had come to the point where I had convinced myself that to truly be happy I would have to live without love for the man I married in hopes of keeping what little patience I had left for the opposite sex. I debated on finding a nice, stable man, to... cohabitate with for the rest of my life in a loveless stable relationship that would never leave me hurting again.
I guess I was wrong.
I had known him the entire year before I gave him a chance. Even now I sat here for at least five minutes trying to think of a moniker for him, none of which give him his due credit. I guess I'll call him moniker? Nothing fits the man he is to me.
We worked together, and had apparently met early in our careers, by his notice - not mine. He, a 6'4" doof of a man, with the most beautiful blue eyes and dark hair that I easily glanced over while occupied with nonsense the better part of last year. He had apparently heard of others aiming to catch my attention and had not tried to approach me, other than saying hello in the halls (of which I was reminded of and told I never returned the hellos in passing - gah).
His opportunity came shortly after my last post when we were thrown into the hectic and fast paced ER together for multiple shifts, where he in his adorably passive way got a hold of my number by the promise of the hospital's all elusive wireless internet password (which he promised to flirt out of the nurses.) Thus began his attempt at a courtship, and my attempts to turn his advances into a friendship.
He wasn't my type. An overweight, unkempt, video gaming man with crooked teeth, a perma frown (like craters in between his eyes) and sticky palms was far from what I thought to be my prince charming. Though, he was amusing. His mind as sharp as a tack when it came to instant rebuttals or quick witted jokes with our surrounding environment. While attempting to treat hectic ED cases a quick look down the hall would find him staring back with a goofy lopsided grin and raised eyebrows - especially when attempting to control the pysch cases awaiting their labs to rule out organic causes prior to admission to the psych unit. Always sticking his head in the room to tell me about an "urgent call" when things were getting out of hand.
Conversation was usually initiated by him at that point, his attempts at dates turned into group hang outs where I would show up with distractions and groups of people. His attempts at movie nights would become a mini party at my house "oh! hi! I wasn't expecting you! A movie? sure!" while frantically texting everyone I knew to "drop by" in an effort to avoid an awkward situation.
Through the months (yes months), I began to look forward to our talks. He would show up with home made brownies (yes, he cooks) and movies in his attempts at making his intentions known. He would never talk about what he wanted hoping his hints were working, sending songs with lyrics suggestive of our relationship while I played stupid. Acting as if he were the best friend I always wanted without allowing him enough time to "make a move," running into my house or going into hiding when he would push me past my comfort zone. In hind sight I think I would have reacted almost the same with any man who tried to date me at that point. I was done with them.
At one point, he finally "made his move." On a drive back from a local bar, with friends in the back seat, he attempted to hold my hand.
My heart dropped, my hands went cold, and I quickly jerked away from him uncomfortable and upset that someone I liked so much wasn't content with just my friendship and had complicated our happy cohesive relationship by wanting more. I avoided him after that, confused by my reaction, and how much I missed him - we didn't speak for a week or two.
At the time I was on nights, a horribly hectic schedule where I slept all day and worked all night from 4pm - 9am. He was only meant to work at our hospital till the end of june before moving away- and it was two weeks till. I had heard the surgeons held their graduation at some point the week prior, vaguely realizing how long it had been since we'd talked as I walked out the hospital my last night on nights in a daze the morning everything changed.
The night had been particularly miserable, with sick patients being admitted, a couple codes and an extended morning for me in an attempt to complete all of my pending notes for the night. The way I left the hospital was a back little used doorway, using the darkest sunglasses I could find to protect my sun depraved eyes... and then I saw him. He was coming in to turn in his badge, parking in a little known spot closer to the hospital vs the employee parking lot located at the other end of the hospital. I didn't recognize him without his scrubs or his usual frumpy athletic gear commonly worn to hang out. I initially focused in to the tall dark haired man in nice grey dress slacks and a pale blue button down thinking "hmm, where did youuuu come from handsome?" until I realized who I was looking at.
That moment will stay with me forever.
I can only describe the feeling coming over me as... comfort. A warm rush of safety, security, relief and excitement that took over me as I realized I was seeing him before his move 6 hours away. Before knowing it, there he was in front of me with his contagious laugh, joking about how my night must have been looking the way I did, his big arms engulfing me as I, in my tired haze, sunk into them confused by my reaction. I coaxed him into eating lunch with me, "our last meal together," I told him, ignoring his rejections and attempts at escape. Later he would tell me he had given up on me, not wanting to put himself in a situation where he would get sucked back in.
I won, of course, and we ate. My inspection of his car en route showed multiple graduation programs and a place card with my name on it. He admitted he meant to invite me to the big event but ended up not after our last interaction... a horrible feeling I still live with. We ended up back at my house to watch a movie (our first alone) with me eventually falling asleep on my couch around 12pm while allowing him to, for once, sit close enough to me to have some sort of contact.
I woke up at 10am (almost 20 hours later), alone on my couch and in the dark with my privacy curtains closed. As far as I knew he had packed up his bags the day prior and already moved by that point. He was gone. I checked my phone for any missed calls or texts and sat back after I saw nothing from him confused about what my sleep deprived mine had been thinking.
I didn't understand my emotions surrounding his departure, I was still a mess.
Later I opened my door to check the mail and found a small stuffed animal (an animal he and I joked about often) sitting goofily on my front step staring up at me silently. Laughter exploded out of me as I grabbed it taking it inside to inspect it further. It had no note, but didn't need one... the message was clearly stated.
It has been almost 5-6 months that I've allowed him close enough to see parts of the real me. He's been patient, caring, and by far is the most amazing man I have ever met. He knows everything about my past, and allows me time - backing away when he senses he is pushing my comfort level too fast, and is attentive enough to know when I'm digging myself into a hole to persuade me out. He tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe him when he does - knowing I could be in my worse state he he would find what ever beauty there was in me to focus on. He is everything I have ever wanted on paper, and the things I found fault in physically are slowly evaporating - as I have now learned were due to his miserable life in the surgical residency. He has lost, possibly, a total of 30 pounds since his move and better schedule. His body the perfect type to cuddle in to, his eyes the most beautiful blue I have ever seen with the most playful yet genuine smile any person could possibly own. When I think of him my heart flutters, and I can't help but be thankful that I didn't allow petty superficial inconsistencies keep my from someone like him - with, of course, some flaws which I will likely blog about in the future.
My update? I'm happy. I believe everything happens for a reason, and the hell I went through was meant for me to learn to appreciate a man like the one I have now. The nice guy who was never given much of a chance by any other girl with the heart of gold. I'm amazed at how long it took me to realize what was sitting right in front of me, and I'm thankful I did. He makes me think of a happy future and has restored the little girl in me that dreamt of happy endings.
I hope this lasts... I'd hate to update this blog later with bitter man hating posts again, I really want to be done with those.
I guess updates are in order...
They always say when you're least expecting something is usually the time you get it. I am not the exception. I've had... to say the least, a pretty rocky past with love. I had a skewed image of men, and had come to the point where I had convinced myself that to truly be happy I would have to live without love for the man I married in hopes of keeping what little patience I had left for the opposite sex. I debated on finding a nice, stable man, to... cohabitate with for the rest of my life in a loveless stable relationship that would never leave me hurting again.
I guess I was wrong.
I had known him the entire year before I gave him a chance. Even now I sat here for at least five minutes trying to think of a moniker for him, none of which give him his due credit. I guess I'll call him moniker? Nothing fits the man he is to me.
We worked together, and had apparently met early in our careers, by his notice - not mine. He, a 6'4" doof of a man, with the most beautiful blue eyes and dark hair that I easily glanced over while occupied with nonsense the better part of last year. He had apparently heard of others aiming to catch my attention and had not tried to approach me, other than saying hello in the halls (of which I was reminded of and told I never returned the hellos in passing - gah).
His opportunity came shortly after my last post when we were thrown into the hectic and fast paced ER together for multiple shifts, where he in his adorably passive way got a hold of my number by the promise of the hospital's all elusive wireless internet password (which he promised to flirt out of the nurses.) Thus began his attempt at a courtship, and my attempts to turn his advances into a friendship.
He wasn't my type. An overweight, unkempt, video gaming man with crooked teeth, a perma frown (like craters in between his eyes) and sticky palms was far from what I thought to be my prince charming. Though, he was amusing. His mind as sharp as a tack when it came to instant rebuttals or quick witted jokes with our surrounding environment. While attempting to treat hectic ED cases a quick look down the hall would find him staring back with a goofy lopsided grin and raised eyebrows - especially when attempting to control the pysch cases awaiting their labs to rule out organic causes prior to admission to the psych unit. Always sticking his head in the room to tell me about an "urgent call" when things were getting out of hand.
Conversation was usually initiated by him at that point, his attempts at dates turned into group hang outs where I would show up with distractions and groups of people. His attempts at movie nights would become a mini party at my house "oh! hi! I wasn't expecting you! A movie? sure!" while frantically texting everyone I knew to "drop by" in an effort to avoid an awkward situation.
Through the months (yes months), I began to look forward to our talks. He would show up with home made brownies (yes, he cooks) and movies in his attempts at making his intentions known. He would never talk about what he wanted hoping his hints were working, sending songs with lyrics suggestive of our relationship while I played stupid. Acting as if he were the best friend I always wanted without allowing him enough time to "make a move," running into my house or going into hiding when he would push me past my comfort zone. In hind sight I think I would have reacted almost the same with any man who tried to date me at that point. I was done with them.
At one point, he finally "made his move." On a drive back from a local bar, with friends in the back seat, he attempted to hold my hand.
My heart dropped, my hands went cold, and I quickly jerked away from him uncomfortable and upset that someone I liked so much wasn't content with just my friendship and had complicated our happy cohesive relationship by wanting more. I avoided him after that, confused by my reaction, and how much I missed him - we didn't speak for a week or two.
At the time I was on nights, a horribly hectic schedule where I slept all day and worked all night from 4pm - 9am. He was only meant to work at our hospital till the end of june before moving away- and it was two weeks till. I had heard the surgeons held their graduation at some point the week prior, vaguely realizing how long it had been since we'd talked as I walked out the hospital my last night on nights in a daze the morning everything changed.
The night had been particularly miserable, with sick patients being admitted, a couple codes and an extended morning for me in an attempt to complete all of my pending notes for the night. The way I left the hospital was a back little used doorway, using the darkest sunglasses I could find to protect my sun depraved eyes... and then I saw him. He was coming in to turn in his badge, parking in a little known spot closer to the hospital vs the employee parking lot located at the other end of the hospital. I didn't recognize him without his scrubs or his usual frumpy athletic gear commonly worn to hang out. I initially focused in to the tall dark haired man in nice grey dress slacks and a pale blue button down thinking "hmm, where did youuuu come from handsome?" until I realized who I was looking at.
That moment will stay with me forever.
I can only describe the feeling coming over me as... comfort. A warm rush of safety, security, relief and excitement that took over me as I realized I was seeing him before his move 6 hours away. Before knowing it, there he was in front of me with his contagious laugh, joking about how my night must have been looking the way I did, his big arms engulfing me as I, in my tired haze, sunk into them confused by my reaction. I coaxed him into eating lunch with me, "our last meal together," I told him, ignoring his rejections and attempts at escape. Later he would tell me he had given up on me, not wanting to put himself in a situation where he would get sucked back in.
I won, of course, and we ate. My inspection of his car en route showed multiple graduation programs and a place card with my name on it. He admitted he meant to invite me to the big event but ended up not after our last interaction... a horrible feeling I still live with. We ended up back at my house to watch a movie (our first alone) with me eventually falling asleep on my couch around 12pm while allowing him to, for once, sit close enough to me to have some sort of contact.
I woke up at 10am (almost 20 hours later), alone on my couch and in the dark with my privacy curtains closed. As far as I knew he had packed up his bags the day prior and already moved by that point. He was gone. I checked my phone for any missed calls or texts and sat back after I saw nothing from him confused about what my sleep deprived mine had been thinking.
I didn't understand my emotions surrounding his departure, I was still a mess.
Later I opened my door to check the mail and found a small stuffed animal (an animal he and I joked about often) sitting goofily on my front step staring up at me silently. Laughter exploded out of me as I grabbed it taking it inside to inspect it further. It had no note, but didn't need one... the message was clearly stated.
It has been almost 5-6 months that I've allowed him close enough to see parts of the real me. He's been patient, caring, and by far is the most amazing man I have ever met. He knows everything about my past, and allows me time - backing away when he senses he is pushing my comfort level too fast, and is attentive enough to know when I'm digging myself into a hole to persuade me out. He tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe him when he does - knowing I could be in my worse state he he would find what ever beauty there was in me to focus on. He is everything I have ever wanted on paper, and the things I found fault in physically are slowly evaporating - as I have now learned were due to his miserable life in the surgical residency. He has lost, possibly, a total of 30 pounds since his move and better schedule. His body the perfect type to cuddle in to, his eyes the most beautiful blue I have ever seen with the most playful yet genuine smile any person could possibly own. When I think of him my heart flutters, and I can't help but be thankful that I didn't allow petty superficial inconsistencies keep my from someone like him - with, of course, some flaws which I will likely blog about in the future.
My update? I'm happy. I believe everything happens for a reason, and the hell I went through was meant for me to learn to appreciate a man like the one I have now. The nice guy who was never given much of a chance by any other girl with the heart of gold. I'm amazed at how long it took me to realize what was sitting right in front of me, and I'm thankful I did. He makes me think of a happy future and has restored the little girl in me that dreamt of happy endings.
I hope this lasts... I'd hate to update this blog later with bitter man hating posts again, I really want to be done with those.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Settling
I'm not sure when someone of my gender gets to this point, but it inevitably happens. Something happens that turns a girl who dreams of happy endings with her prince, to a woman who realizes a troll will probably worship her and she won't have to fight other princesses (with less moral character and easily spread thighs) off of him and fear that their happily ever after will end when the prince finds another princess.
I'm just about there.
I think after looking around I've realized a couple of things.
1. men who I am not completely interested in LOVE ME. It's got to be the chase. The less emotionally involved I am with them, the more they do/think about me.
2. when I begin to emotionally become attached to a man, and reciprocate their advances, they slowly disappear.
3. Guys my age are either married (and cheating), divorced, in single phase, or crazy
It seems to me the happiest marriages are those that end up with a beautiful girl and "that guy." You know the one I'm talking about. The one you look at and immediately make up a million reasons why a beautiful girl would end up with HIM. "He's gotta be rich, or have a huge penis, or famous." We've all thought it.
In actuality, it may be because he actually loves her. (or her looks, and she actually loves him)
I'd like to consider myself an 8. I don't think i'm drop dead gorgeous, but I do think I'm above average, and my education/job puts me from a 7 to an 8 on the attainometer. Studies have shown that people tend to go for those that are roughly the same degree of attractive as them. Therefore an 8 will usually settle for another 8, a 4 a 4, and so on and so forth. But do those people stay together?
With what i've seen in the past year of my life in the "real world", the answer is no. The amount of adulterous, DISGUSTING, relationships I see happening under my nose is enough to take any hopes of a fairy tale ending with my handsome, same leveled in attractiveness, prince and stomp them so far into the ground I couldn't possibly dig them out.
Not to mention my not so recent break up with rex that just had me in the dumps and unwilling to enter any relationship that seems even the slightest bit iffy. I am never breaking up with another boy again. the. end.
The recent doctor I spoke about in the blog prior - he for some reason gave me the kind of vibe that he may be a player. Why do I have that vibe? Because he emailed me though the hospital system and basically asked me out without ever having met me in person. My thoughts? If he emails me out of all the people in the whole hospital, who says he's not emailing other people and doing the same. He doesn't call me enough, and for some reason I've written him off because he's 1. too good looking, 2. makes too much money, and 3. too spastic with his contacting me to be someone who is of any value in putting any emotion into.
Scenario 2 comes into play with another doctor, not as good looking, nerdy, but seems to be a little awkward in his attempts at asking me out. My first date with him was horrible, he spoke the whole time, never let me finish a sentence without interrupting, I didn't get his jokes, we stayed out way past my bedtime and he kept making comments about my yawning and him boring me (which he kinda was, but whatever). In this case, however, I have more faith. I see less competition in a case like his, I couldn't imagine anyone fighting me for him, and he's good enough. Who cares if I clicked better with doctor #1, that I'm more attracted to him, or that he dresses and acts more refined than dr #2? The first one is too good to be true and could possibly leave me, and the second would probably treat me like gold.
Lets look at why? Because he's a 4 and I'm an 8. Our scale's are off, his job and stability putting him at maybe a comparable 8. His personality has some quirks, and I probably could eventually fall for him, like I do all my other men, because he is deep down a nice guy. But looks wise, we're far of, and I wouldn't have to worry about him straying far because he wouldn't want any other 4's in his pool. At least I'd hope...
I see myself giving dr #2 the benefit of the doubt, and dr #1 gets written off without a thought.
I see myself possibly settling, and I'm logistically telling myself how this will be a better thing.
I just need to actually become attracted to number 2... Personality is everything - I know this. I keep telling myself that he might have just been nervous our first date - because the first time we met we did actually hit it off. I don't know. I may be settling... and it may be the best thing for me. I'm sick of dating. I'm sick of hurting. And I'm definitely sick of all the other princesses out there sleeping with my very taken princes.
I'll take a troll over these annoyingly deceitful princes any day. A nice one, with a stable bridge, who wouldn't be snatching up any other princesses...
I'm just about there.
I think after looking around I've realized a couple of things.
1. men who I am not completely interested in LOVE ME. It's got to be the chase. The less emotionally involved I am with them, the more they do/think about me.
2. when I begin to emotionally become attached to a man, and reciprocate their advances, they slowly disappear.
3. Guys my age are either married (and cheating), divorced, in single phase, or crazy
It seems to me the happiest marriages are those that end up with a beautiful girl and "that guy." You know the one I'm talking about. The one you look at and immediately make up a million reasons why a beautiful girl would end up with HIM. "He's gotta be rich, or have a huge penis, or famous." We've all thought it.
In actuality, it may be because he actually loves her. (or her looks, and she actually loves him)
I'd like to consider myself an 8. I don't think i'm drop dead gorgeous, but I do think I'm above average, and my education/job puts me from a 7 to an 8 on the attainometer. Studies have shown that people tend to go for those that are roughly the same degree of attractive as them. Therefore an 8 will usually settle for another 8, a 4 a 4, and so on and so forth. But do those people stay together?
With what i've seen in the past year of my life in the "real world", the answer is no. The amount of adulterous, DISGUSTING, relationships I see happening under my nose is enough to take any hopes of a fairy tale ending with my handsome, same leveled in attractiveness, prince and stomp them so far into the ground I couldn't possibly dig them out.
Not to mention my not so recent break up with rex that just had me in the dumps and unwilling to enter any relationship that seems even the slightest bit iffy. I am never breaking up with another boy again. the. end.
The recent doctor I spoke about in the blog prior - he for some reason gave me the kind of vibe that he may be a player. Why do I have that vibe? Because he emailed me though the hospital system and basically asked me out without ever having met me in person. My thoughts? If he emails me out of all the people in the whole hospital, who says he's not emailing other people and doing the same. He doesn't call me enough, and for some reason I've written him off because he's 1. too good looking, 2. makes too much money, and 3. too spastic with his contacting me to be someone who is of any value in putting any emotion into.
Scenario 2 comes into play with another doctor, not as good looking, nerdy, but seems to be a little awkward in his attempts at asking me out. My first date with him was horrible, he spoke the whole time, never let me finish a sentence without interrupting, I didn't get his jokes, we stayed out way past my bedtime and he kept making comments about my yawning and him boring me (which he kinda was, but whatever). In this case, however, I have more faith. I see less competition in a case like his, I couldn't imagine anyone fighting me for him, and he's good enough. Who cares if I clicked better with doctor #1, that I'm more attracted to him, or that he dresses and acts more refined than dr #2? The first one is too good to be true and could possibly leave me, and the second would probably treat me like gold.
Lets look at why? Because he's a 4 and I'm an 8. Our scale's are off, his job and stability putting him at maybe a comparable 8. His personality has some quirks, and I probably could eventually fall for him, like I do all my other men, because he is deep down a nice guy. But looks wise, we're far of, and I wouldn't have to worry about him straying far because he wouldn't want any other 4's in his pool. At least I'd hope...
I see myself giving dr #2 the benefit of the doubt, and dr #1 gets written off without a thought.
I see myself possibly settling, and I'm logistically telling myself how this will be a better thing.
I just need to actually become attracted to number 2... Personality is everything - I know this. I keep telling myself that he might have just been nervous our first date - because the first time we met we did actually hit it off. I don't know. I may be settling... and it may be the best thing for me. I'm sick of dating. I'm sick of hurting. And I'm definitely sick of all the other princesses out there sleeping with my very taken princes.
I'll take a troll over these annoyingly deceitful princes any day. A nice one, with a stable bridge, who wouldn't be snatching up any other princesses...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Closure
It's a wonderful thing. Something I guess I've never really fully appreciated till I had dinner with rex over a month and some change ago. Until that moment I thought of him daily, after - I realized that my initial decision to break up was the right one, and I just needed to understand the reasons behind the cold emotionless mailing of my box of shit.
Within a week I stopped thinking about him all the time, and over the past month or so we've drifted to a state of non-communication. But this time, it's not weird, I could contact if I wanted to, I just don't feel the need like I did before.
It seems the new year brought me a wave of men, fate asking me to juggle them and pick one, and just as suddenly as they appear - they're gone.
My male friend from new years moved out of the country, and I have little to no contact with him. I still kinda think, what if, with that one... we did click on a friendship level, he was attractive, smart, and kind. I just put him in friend mode when I first met him (he had a girlfriend - or headed that way with one girl) and never upgraded him to a possibility when he became single.
There was another doctor in the hospital that also started poking around. He is an interesting case I'll have to explain to the blog at some point. Surprisingly as quickly as he came he disappeared - though there might be an explanation to this and the story may not be over yet.
Happily, though, I'm back to my pre-rex state of happiness. I love my job, I love my house, I miss my puppies, and I'm back into the grove and working on the floors (something that others complain about but I love.)
I love what I do, and think I may be a workaholic. I'm forming more bonds with my patients than those in my life - which may be a sort of coping mechanism being so far from my family and thrown into a foreign environment, but it's ok for now.
Thank god for closure - I'm back to being me, and not fixating on why a guy I barely knew sent me a box of my shit after breaking up with him and not talking to me anymore. How petty and stupid it sounds when I realize how meaningless it all was.
Within a week I stopped thinking about him all the time, and over the past month or so we've drifted to a state of non-communication. But this time, it's not weird, I could contact if I wanted to, I just don't feel the need like I did before.
It seems the new year brought me a wave of men, fate asking me to juggle them and pick one, and just as suddenly as they appear - they're gone.
My male friend from new years moved out of the country, and I have little to no contact with him. I still kinda think, what if, with that one... we did click on a friendship level, he was attractive, smart, and kind. I just put him in friend mode when I first met him (he had a girlfriend - or headed that way with one girl) and never upgraded him to a possibility when he became single.
There was another doctor in the hospital that also started poking around. He is an interesting case I'll have to explain to the blog at some point. Surprisingly as quickly as he came he disappeared - though there might be an explanation to this and the story may not be over yet.
Happily, though, I'm back to my pre-rex state of happiness. I love my job, I love my house, I miss my puppies, and I'm back into the grove and working on the floors (something that others complain about but I love.)
I love what I do, and think I may be a workaholic. I'm forming more bonds with my patients than those in my life - which may be a sort of coping mechanism being so far from my family and thrown into a foreign environment, but it's ok for now.
Thank god for closure - I'm back to being me, and not fixating on why a guy I barely knew sent me a box of my shit after breaking up with him and not talking to me anymore. How petty and stupid it sounds when I realize how meaningless it all was.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Happy new year
The unthinkable happened, I shared this blog with someone I know. She's going through something now which resembles what I went through with navy, only worse... and I figured her reading this thing might be beneficial... but I dunno if she'll actually read it.
Updates:
Rex called my a couple days before christmas wishing me a happy holiday. I was floored, as we hadn't exchanged so much as a 3 - 4 texts in the past four months, that he would contact me. Me? Of course I still thought about him EVERY DAY (what is wrong with me) and only stared at his name as my ringer went off. I didn't answer, he text, I text back... it was unsettling.
So I thought about him more. I planned on going to a neighboring large city for new years with someone I worked with, and a very good guy friend of mine who was living about 2 hours south. New years eve I wake up, and realized that unless I contacted rex at some point before leaving for my trip, I was most probably going to end up drunk dialing him and making an ass out of myself. With that small little light going off in my head, I grabbed my phone, and four months of telephone silence ended without thought and a quick dial of the phone.
I didn't even realize what I was doing until the third ring when I realized I WAS CALLING HIM, and as an after thought, he might not pick up.
He picked up, right before voicemail got to me, with probably the same surprise in his voice that I felt realizing I called him.
We talked for an hour. I told him I was calling to wish him a happy new year, he immediately started to word vomit about his life without prompting. How he was doing, how he was changing everything about him I'd pointed out in the break up, how he tried dating but "no one compared to you." I don't think i've ever been at such a loss for words. I still think about it and get shocked thinking about how it all went down. The conversation ended on a light note after he asked me questions about myself, like, if I was dating anyone, and my plans for new years.
And that was that. I called Rex. We spoke. I didn't know what to make of it.
So new years comes around... and me, who hasn't let any boy near her since rex, ends up getting shitfaced and making out with the the only guy I've been close to for the past couple of months (maybe another blog to explain). I wake up with his arm draped around me, cuddled in close. Take a moment to focus through my headache as he kissed my neck and reach for my phone.
Text message from rex: "so did your new years go off with a bang?"
...mother effer.
My response? "It was definitely interesting"
Long story short, the next couple of days were very uncomfortable. I didn't have my best friend to talk to, I had rex texting every day, and I was still in shock from the recent turn of events. In the end my best friend and I went back to normal terms after i told him that although I didn't regret what happened, I didn't think of him in that way - which he agreed to feeling as well.
I met rex for dinner the following week. I asked him about the emotionless package, I told him almost everything I've blogged about here, and I basically got my closure.
I asked him "what now"
His response? "I want to see you, as much as you'll let me. Daily, weekly, monthly, whatever you're comfortable with."
And that's where we are now... I'm still confused. I still don't think we would work with each other. And I still don't know why I think about him all the time.
I thought this stuff went away after high school.
Updates:
Rex called my a couple days before christmas wishing me a happy holiday. I was floored, as we hadn't exchanged so much as a 3 - 4 texts in the past four months, that he would contact me. Me? Of course I still thought about him EVERY DAY (what is wrong with me) and only stared at his name as my ringer went off. I didn't answer, he text, I text back... it was unsettling.
So I thought about him more. I planned on going to a neighboring large city for new years with someone I worked with, and a very good guy friend of mine who was living about 2 hours south. New years eve I wake up, and realized that unless I contacted rex at some point before leaving for my trip, I was most probably going to end up drunk dialing him and making an ass out of myself. With that small little light going off in my head, I grabbed my phone, and four months of telephone silence ended without thought and a quick dial of the phone.
I didn't even realize what I was doing until the third ring when I realized I WAS CALLING HIM, and as an after thought, he might not pick up.
He picked up, right before voicemail got to me, with probably the same surprise in his voice that I felt realizing I called him.
We talked for an hour. I told him I was calling to wish him a happy new year, he immediately started to word vomit about his life without prompting. How he was doing, how he was changing everything about him I'd pointed out in the break up, how he tried dating but "no one compared to you." I don't think i've ever been at such a loss for words. I still think about it and get shocked thinking about how it all went down. The conversation ended on a light note after he asked me questions about myself, like, if I was dating anyone, and my plans for new years.
And that was that. I called Rex. We spoke. I didn't know what to make of it.
So new years comes around... and me, who hasn't let any boy near her since rex, ends up getting shitfaced and making out with the the only guy I've been close to for the past couple of months (maybe another blog to explain). I wake up with his arm draped around me, cuddled in close. Take a moment to focus through my headache as he kissed my neck and reach for my phone.
Text message from rex: "so did your new years go off with a bang?"
...mother effer.
My response? "It was definitely interesting"
Long story short, the next couple of days were very uncomfortable. I didn't have my best friend to talk to, I had rex texting every day, and I was still in shock from the recent turn of events. In the end my best friend and I went back to normal terms after i told him that although I didn't regret what happened, I didn't think of him in that way - which he agreed to feeling as well.
I met rex for dinner the following week. I asked him about the emotionless package, I told him almost everything I've blogged about here, and I basically got my closure.
I asked him "what now"
His response? "I want to see you, as much as you'll let me. Daily, weekly, monthly, whatever you're comfortable with."
And that's where we are now... I'm still confused. I still don't think we would work with each other. And I still don't know why I think about him all the time.
I thought this stuff went away after high school.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Hi Freddie
The blog dies when controversy dies. It seems to come alive when I know someone's reading.
Hi Freddie, thank for coming by ;).
Rex called. He called, and we spoke, and we decided to break up. Something that left me feeling sad but relieved. We said we would continue to be in each others lives, and at some point in the next month we would meet up to exchange each others things left at our houses. We were honest. He told me he didn't know why he was acting the way he was, that he still thought I was perfect, I told him I thought he was still broken from his last relationship and he needed to deal with his thoughts on that before he could make a new one.
Things were good, he poked me a week later with a picture of his finished garage, to which I replied with my view from my hospital hidaway with coffee in hand. I called him a week later to set up a time to meet up -- no answer, left a message.
Two weeks later he hadn't called back, so I sent him a brief text "*insert my address here*, let me know when you send my things, hope all is well!"
No response text, and two weeks later I get a package. My things, no note, no nothing.
Rex is officially gone, without even so much as a goodbye.
It was the first time I cried since the break up.
I still have his things. I haven't mailed them to him yet... I can't bring myself to do it. Not only does he have a couple of LARGE object that are financially annoying to mail, but I can't bring myself to heartlessly put objects into a package and to mail them without a final word.
I've been staring at the box of his things for the past week willing myself to the post office. "Maybe I should just drive them over and drop them on his doorstep without him seeing me" I try to convince myself, "then he'll never have the chance to call about the things I never mailed." Other times I just want to send the box with the things easier to mail. Sometimes I'm ready to send a cold box with no note, other times I tell myself to be a bigger person and but a nice little poke in there, and other times, I want to tell him I miss him and write a quirky "you never returned my call." note.
So I sit there, and stare at the box, not knowing what to do. Not wanting to do the wrong thing. And not wanting to put myself out there, because I always told myself when a boy makes you cry - you move on.
Hi Freddie, thank for coming by ;).
Rex called. He called, and we spoke, and we decided to break up. Something that left me feeling sad but relieved. We said we would continue to be in each others lives, and at some point in the next month we would meet up to exchange each others things left at our houses. We were honest. He told me he didn't know why he was acting the way he was, that he still thought I was perfect, I told him I thought he was still broken from his last relationship and he needed to deal with his thoughts on that before he could make a new one.
Things were good, he poked me a week later with a picture of his finished garage, to which I replied with my view from my hospital hidaway with coffee in hand. I called him a week later to set up a time to meet up -- no answer, left a message.
Two weeks later he hadn't called back, so I sent him a brief text "*insert my address here*, let me know when you send my things, hope all is well!"
No response text, and two weeks later I get a package. My things, no note, no nothing.
Rex is officially gone, without even so much as a goodbye.
It was the first time I cried since the break up.
I still have his things. I haven't mailed them to him yet... I can't bring myself to do it. Not only does he have a couple of LARGE object that are financially annoying to mail, but I can't bring myself to heartlessly put objects into a package and to mail them without a final word.
I've been staring at the box of his things for the past week willing myself to the post office. "Maybe I should just drive them over and drop them on his doorstep without him seeing me" I try to convince myself, "then he'll never have the chance to call about the things I never mailed." Other times I just want to send the box with the things easier to mail. Sometimes I'm ready to send a cold box with no note, other times I tell myself to be a bigger person and but a nice little poke in there, and other times, I want to tell him I miss him and write a quirky "you never returned my call." note.
So I sit there, and stare at the box, not knowing what to do. Not wanting to do the wrong thing. And not wanting to put myself out there, because I always told myself when a boy makes you cry - you move on.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
To be or not to be...
I'm undecided about how I will proceed with Rex... I wonder if it's because of all the excess baggage I carry.
I objectively don't think Rex and I will have a healthy relationship following whatever it was that occurred two weeks ago. I don't trust him, or have faith in his stability.
But at the same time I miss him.
To be honest I don't know if it's him I miss, or just someone. I want someone to spend my time with and plan a future with... I want someone to prove me wrong. To show me that I CAN trust them and have a happily ever after.
He'll be calling sometime this week... I'm dreading the day.
I'll keep you posted.
I objectively don't think Rex and I will have a healthy relationship following whatever it was that occurred two weeks ago. I don't trust him, or have faith in his stability.
But at the same time I miss him.
To be honest I don't know if it's him I miss, or just someone. I want someone to spend my time with and plan a future with... I want someone to prove me wrong. To show me that I CAN trust them and have a happily ever after.
He'll be calling sometime this week... I'm dreading the day.
I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wound care
I've postponed continuing my blog because I've felt like I needed to explain rex and his importance to me at this point. But writing it all out was too hard, and describing him while we were good seems pointless now.
Know he came, he conquered, and right now we're on a "break."
Something I realize is permanent, I just haven't conveyed that to him yet, and I'm still trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do. The objective thing to do. The mature thing to do.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
I'm doing a lot of self assessment right now. I don't trust men. Period. Yet at the same time I want to marry my best friend. I WANT to trust them. I want one to prove me wrong. One to sweep me off my feet and mean it. That's probably why I'm so hurt and disappointed in the ending of Rex.
He did, in fact, sweep me off my feet, he made me believe him. I was definitely cautious, I was skeptical that his thoughts for our future together weren't firmly planted. I was very resistant at first... something he noticed and called me on often. "You still have your walls up, don't judge me based on the others." So I threw caution to the wind and let myself fall. Did I think I was falling in love with him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No, we thankfully took our "break" before I could let myself completely ruin myself by letting myself love another disaster.
Why the break? I don't know. He went after me guns a'blazin', wouldn't take no for an answer, would drive over an hour at 6am when I was post call leaving the hospital at 7 - to make me breakfast and cuddle up to me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. He would blow up my phone, texting me all day with cute little smiley face pictures showing me he was thinking of me - making each of them original, and creative. And every day I'd smile and think that I was being too cautious, maybe he meant it, maybe this would work.
He spoke of our life together, how he would move to be near me, how perfect I was, how he'd been looking for someone like me for so long, how he couldn't believe we were together, how he'd been so happy telling everyone I was his girlfriend.
Then one day it changed. Life for him got busy, he became stressed with his job, his finances, his constantly renovated home (current project being the garage) and my text happy, smile sending boyfriend was gone. We didn't talk (we were long distance, so it's pretty much all we had) "I hate the phone, you know that." I showed my unhappiness, "what's the point of having a long distance girlfriend, rex, if you don't know what's going on in her life?"
Until finally, the three day weekend I'd been looking forward to spending with him (my first and only in 3 months) was canceled.
Why?
"I don't know how I feel about us."
Which left me speechless, heartbroken, and I heard myself saying "I don't think I should come down this weekend."
His response? "Maybe that would be for the best."
stab me.
So we talked, and he kept re-stating how he didn't know what was wrong with him *insert bullshit here*, to which I listened quietly, thinking this was our break up. Heart broken.
I told him how hurtful his actions were, how I was so angry that I believed him - which he counters stating he doesn't know how he feels, and that he meant everything he said, *more bullshit inserted here*.
I joked about thankfully avoiding meeting his parents, and how it was a good thing we didn't buy our "couples" halloween costumes - to which he horrifically asked what I was talking about. "I don't want to break up, I'm just stressed, I need to get my head straight, can I have, I don't know, two week?, just to see where I stand?, I don't know what's wrong with me"
He doesn't get it, he thinks I'm still his girlfriend, and for the last week I've been thinking about facing him on our "talk date" telling him I'm not ready for this. I'm too old for this. I think he's a waste of time and too fickle for me to deal with this late in the game.
I'm just so upset I believed him, and that I not only have to face him again in the near future - but hear his "verdict" on how he feels about us. I don't know what'll be worse, him wanting to work it out, or him deciding we weren't meant to me.
Hearing either will break my heart.
I'm sick of my heart breaking.
I don't think it can take anymore.
Know he came, he conquered, and right now we're on a "break."
Something I realize is permanent, I just haven't conveyed that to him yet, and I'm still trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do. The objective thing to do. The mature thing to do.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
I'm doing a lot of self assessment right now. I don't trust men. Period. Yet at the same time I want to marry my best friend. I WANT to trust them. I want one to prove me wrong. One to sweep me off my feet and mean it. That's probably why I'm so hurt and disappointed in the ending of Rex.
He did, in fact, sweep me off my feet, he made me believe him. I was definitely cautious, I was skeptical that his thoughts for our future together weren't firmly planted. I was very resistant at first... something he noticed and called me on often. "You still have your walls up, don't judge me based on the others." So I threw caution to the wind and let myself fall. Did I think I was falling in love with him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No, we thankfully took our "break" before I could let myself completely ruin myself by letting myself love another disaster.
Why the break? I don't know. He went after me guns a'blazin', wouldn't take no for an answer, would drive over an hour at 6am when I was post call leaving the hospital at 7 - to make me breakfast and cuddle up to me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. He would blow up my phone, texting me all day with cute little smiley face pictures showing me he was thinking of me - making each of them original, and creative. And every day I'd smile and think that I was being too cautious, maybe he meant it, maybe this would work.
He spoke of our life together, how he would move to be near me, how perfect I was, how he'd been looking for someone like me for so long, how he couldn't believe we were together, how he'd been so happy telling everyone I was his girlfriend.
Then one day it changed. Life for him got busy, he became stressed with his job, his finances, his constantly renovated home (current project being the garage) and my text happy, smile sending boyfriend was gone. We didn't talk (we were long distance, so it's pretty much all we had) "I hate the phone, you know that." I showed my unhappiness, "what's the point of having a long distance girlfriend, rex, if you don't know what's going on in her life?"
Until finally, the three day weekend I'd been looking forward to spending with him (my first and only in 3 months) was canceled.
Why?
"I don't know how I feel about us."
Which left me speechless, heartbroken, and I heard myself saying "I don't think I should come down this weekend."
His response? "Maybe that would be for the best."
stab me.
So we talked, and he kept re-stating how he didn't know what was wrong with him *insert bullshit here*, to which I listened quietly, thinking this was our break up. Heart broken.
I told him how hurtful his actions were, how I was so angry that I believed him - which he counters stating he doesn't know how he feels, and that he meant everything he said, *more bullshit inserted here*.
I joked about thankfully avoiding meeting his parents, and how it was a good thing we didn't buy our "couples" halloween costumes - to which he horrifically asked what I was talking about. "I don't want to break up, I'm just stressed, I need to get my head straight, can I have, I don't know, two week?, just to see where I stand?, I don't know what's wrong with me"
He doesn't get it, he thinks I'm still his girlfriend, and for the last week I've been thinking about facing him on our "talk date" telling him I'm not ready for this. I'm too old for this. I think he's a waste of time and too fickle for me to deal with this late in the game.
I'm just so upset I believed him, and that I not only have to face him again in the near future - but hear his "verdict" on how he feels about us. I don't know what'll be worse, him wanting to work it out, or him deciding we weren't meant to me.
Hearing either will break my heart.
I'm sick of my heart breaking.
I don't think it can take anymore.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I'm back
It's been awhile... I know. Time has been short of late. Updates to the blog are needed.
In short, I am now a doctor. A full fledged, order writing, long coat wearing, medical doctor who now has her OWN medical students following her around.
It's weird.
One day you're an MS4 with enough slack to get away with knowing only something, the next you're an MD and expected to know everything.
My first order was 2 PRBC STAT written at 6:15am, because my first patient ever was bleeding out of her ass (literally, bright red blood coming out of rectum).
Holy. Shit.
ANYWAY, I guess I'm back for the same reasons I resorted to blogging in this anonymous forum to begin with... I have no one to talk to. I'm expected to be happy and content, without letting anything get to me. No one wants to hear my shit (at least I don't think so), and, as of yesterday (i'll update why) I'm sad... and I can't really explain why, to anyone.
This blog may or may not be medically related - it's always seemed to be relationship driven. My vocabulary has drifted to the medical side in life, words like "perforated" are normally used in conversation... annoying, I know, I can't help it, I apologize in advance.
Relationship wise, I haven't spoken to navy in over a year - we were friends for awhile and then he annoyed me and that was it. Perfect is still around, and no longer seen as perfect - however he's now considered a "back-up" vs. a goal... if that makes any sense. I need to explain Rex to the blog - he's the most recent new one (and the main reason I need to vent on my blog again). I can't think of anything else. I highly doubt anyone who read this before will read this now, but if anyone can think of anything - feel free to comment questions.
-me
In short, I am now a doctor. A full fledged, order writing, long coat wearing, medical doctor who now has her OWN medical students following her around.
It's weird.
One day you're an MS4 with enough slack to get away with knowing only something, the next you're an MD and expected to know everything.
My first order was 2 PRBC STAT written at 6:15am, because my first patient ever was bleeding out of her ass (literally, bright red blood coming out of rectum).
Holy. Shit.
ANYWAY, I guess I'm back for the same reasons I resorted to blogging in this anonymous forum to begin with... I have no one to talk to. I'm expected to be happy and content, without letting anything get to me. No one wants to hear my shit (at least I don't think so), and, as of yesterday (i'll update why) I'm sad... and I can't really explain why, to anyone.
This blog may or may not be medically related - it's always seemed to be relationship driven. My vocabulary has drifted to the medical side in life, words like "perforated" are normally used in conversation... annoying, I know, I can't help it, I apologize in advance.
Relationship wise, I haven't spoken to navy in over a year - we were friends for awhile and then he annoyed me and that was it. Perfect is still around, and no longer seen as perfect - however he's now considered a "back-up" vs. a goal... if that makes any sense. I need to explain Rex to the blog - he's the most recent new one (and the main reason I need to vent on my blog again). I can't think of anything else. I highly doubt anyone who read this before will read this now, but if anyone can think of anything - feel free to comment questions.
-me
Monday, July 27, 2009
It's about that time
I made a twitter for the blog:
http://twitter.com/ywyk
Only I'll probably never link here. I'm probably just going to use it for the random asshol-ish things that come to my mind I wouldn't want anyone who actually knew me to know I was thinking. Kinda like this blog. The crazy me I hide from the world.
In other news, mother nature brought me a little gift one week early, and suddenly once my hormones stopped raging, I stopped fixating on bloviated as much. Excuse? Maybe... but I'll take it. I didn't like how crazy I was last week. Reminded me too much of my high school crushes on boys who never knew my name.
Also, I passed the boards I took earlier this year, and my next ones are a couple of weeks away. I should be studying.
-me
http://twitter.com/ywyk
Only I'll probably never link here. I'm probably just going to use it for the random asshol-ish things that come to my mind I wouldn't want anyone who actually knew me to know I was thinking. Kinda like this blog. The crazy me I hide from the world.
In other news, mother nature brought me a little gift one week early, and suddenly once my hormones stopped raging, I stopped fixating on bloviated as much. Excuse? Maybe... but I'll take it. I didn't like how crazy I was last week. Reminded me too much of my high school crushes on boys who never knew my name.
Also, I passed the boards I took earlier this year, and my next ones are a couple of weeks away. I should be studying.
-me
Sunday, July 26, 2009
"Hi."
I sat there speechless staring across the room at the most captivating stranger I'd ever encountered. No words were uttered as a smile formed on my lips, and I saw them mirrored on his. A hand was raised in a gesture of acknowledgment and returned in turn as I took in his face. I let my eyes travel from his familiar blue eyes, down his sunkissed nose to the dimples piercing each cheek in turn. I'd noticed them before, but not like this. They were the same, yet different. An entity all their own, drawing your attention to his perfectly formed smile; one that radiated warmth and recognition, with the edges raised only enough to help elevate the smile back to his eyes.
As the silence continued I realized he was watching my scrutiny with mild amusement, and I immediately averted my eyes. Warmth crept up my neck and flushed my cheeks as my nerves started to give way. I quickly diverted my attention to my friend and her endless ramblings about her boyfriend and their perfect relationship. I forced a smile and gave my responses at the appropriate times, all while quickly glancing back in his direction. He now seemed preoccupied with his hair, and after noticing it, so was I. It was perfectly messy, landing with precision into a layered tangled mess no matter how many times his hands ran through it. The motions of his hands were mesmerizing as he flipped his dark blond hair from one side to the next, unaware of how ineffective his movements were from altering each strand from it's predestined home, and how effective they were instead of drawing my attention back to him. He looked up again noticing my gaze and held it.
"Hi." he spoke smiling, shocking me with the familiar voice I'd come to associate with warmth, security and friendship, "Hi." I grinned back nervously, "I've missed you."
As the silence continued I realized he was watching my scrutiny with mild amusement, and I immediately averted my eyes. Warmth crept up my neck and flushed my cheeks as my nerves started to give way. I quickly diverted my attention to my friend and her endless ramblings about her boyfriend and their perfect relationship. I forced a smile and gave my responses at the appropriate times, all while quickly glancing back in his direction. He now seemed preoccupied with his hair, and after noticing it, so was I. It was perfectly messy, landing with precision into a layered tangled mess no matter how many times his hands ran through it. The motions of his hands were mesmerizing as he flipped his dark blond hair from one side to the next, unaware of how ineffective his movements were from altering each strand from it's predestined home, and how effective they were instead of drawing my attention back to him. He looked up again noticing my gaze and held it.
"Hi." he spoke smiling, shocking me with the familiar voice I'd come to associate with warmth, security and friendship, "Hi." I grinned back nervously, "I've missed you."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
A fresh start
When I started medical school I was a different person. I went out more and I had less responsibilities. Over the years I changed, and I think my friends at the time either stayed the same, or I saw them in a new light.
I have pretty much given up on most of my friends. It saddens me, but I think I put effort into the wrong people. I'd like to think I'm not a quitter, but when it saddens me to stay around certain people... enough is enough.
Here are some reminders to myself so that I don't make the same mistakes with future friendships:
- Shit talking, not ok
- If someone is rude/disrespectful behind someone else's back to you, be assured they're the same way with others regarding you.
- Stop divulging too much information out about yourself, and attempting to help people when it's obvious they're using you.
- Make people work for your friendship... remember it's a privilege.
- Stop being so dependent on people.
- Friendships don't have to be strained all the time, usually... it just flows.
- Never personally attack someone in a fight, discuss feelings, but personal attacks end friendships.
- Walk away when someone personally attacks you, they'll probably do it again.
- Never burn bridges, you'll never know who you'll need when.
- Never work to be someone's friend when their loyalties obviously don't lie with you. Acquaintances are far less demanding and emotionally confusing.
- A friendship, like all relationships, only forms when an opportunity presents itself. Act on it.
I think I have ADD... whatever I felt like venting is gone... meh
xoxo
me
I have pretty much given up on most of my friends. It saddens me, but I think I put effort into the wrong people. I'd like to think I'm not a quitter, but when it saddens me to stay around certain people... enough is enough.
Here are some reminders to myself so that I don't make the same mistakes with future friendships:
- Shit talking, not ok
- If someone is rude/disrespectful behind someone else's back to you, be assured they're the same way with others regarding you.
- Stop divulging too much information out about yourself, and attempting to help people when it's obvious they're using you.
- Make people work for your friendship... remember it's a privilege.
- Stop being so dependent on people.
- Friendships don't have to be strained all the time, usually... it just flows.
- Never personally attack someone in a fight, discuss feelings, but personal attacks end friendships.
- Walk away when someone personally attacks you, they'll probably do it again.
- Never burn bridges, you'll never know who you'll need when.
- Never work to be someone's friend when their loyalties obviously don't lie with you. Acquaintances are far less demanding and emotionally confusing.
- A friendship, like all relationships, only forms when an opportunity presents itself. Act on it.
I think I have ADD... whatever I felt like venting is gone... meh
xoxo
me
Monday, March 16, 2009
Focus
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15
I read this on postsecret this week, and immediately thought about what I was doing at that very moment. I HATE PROCRASTINATING, but I just CAN'T stop!!! I wake up early every day, I sit down with my books in hopes or preparing for my boards, and NOTHING. I browse the internet until noonish, eat, and then freak out and read/take practice tests for a couple hours before procrastinating again.
I hate myself.
I read this on postsecret this week, and immediately thought about what I was doing at that very moment. I HATE PROCRASTINATING, but I just CAN'T stop!!! I wake up early every day, I sit down with my books in hopes or preparing for my boards, and NOTHING. I browse the internet until noonish, eat, and then freak out and read/take practice tests for a couple hours before procrastinating again.
I hate myself.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Remember me?
I've been meaning to write my dear blog, I really have... I just haven't had time. Promise.
Things are going well, I've missed you. I wish I could have written to you more, but there have been some complications. The most noteworthy was the death of my computer. I know, shocking. She had been so good to me. Luckily I was able to bring her back to life after four hard months in a rehabilitation center (read: repair shop) and as of yesterday we were happily reunited. It didn't even cost me 150,000 dollars like those freak people paid for their cloned dog - AND i got my original back, who needs clones... bah.
Amazing.
Anyhoo, I forget where I left off. I know I never told you about some things so I guess I could jump back there.
Navy came back. Sobbing. Literally. Drunk, at a tailgate in the parking lot outside a stadium, hiding behind a car... sobbing. I said no. Then I gave in and let him have a chance with the stipulation that he wasn't my boyfriend. He didn't like that. I'll give him credit though, he tried very hard for roughly 6 months. Last week we decided we weren't going anywhere - he actually gave up. We are trying to be friends. I'm pretty happy with the situation because it's technically what I wanted anyway. He just wasn't sexually attractive to me anymore, especially when I pictured him sleeping with other girls while he was actually my boyfriend oh so long ago. I also would get annoyed when he did anything nice for me or complained when I didn't give him enough attention because I'd remember what an ass he'd been and how he was capable of being nice and never was.
meh.
So now we're friends. We'll see how that works. I like him as a friend. Whatever.
I have less than six months until graduation... that scares the crap out of me. The second those two letters are tapped on to the end of my name there will be sooooo much responsibility associated with it. No likey.
I started writing this in the morning while I was bored and my attending was wandering about... and then bailed the second I saw her coming. It's now tomorrow and my sleep deprivation is starting to take its toll. Maybe I'll catch up more later... I just wanted you to know I was still alive.
xoxo
me
meh.
So now we're friends. We'll see how that works. I like him as a friend. Whatever.
I have less than six months until graduation... that scares the crap out of me. The second those two letters are tapped on to the end of my name there will be sooooo much responsibility associated with it. No likey.
I started writing this in the morning while I was bored and my attending was wandering about... and then bailed the second I saw her coming. It's now tomorrow and my sleep deprivation is starting to take its toll. Maybe I'll catch up more later... I just wanted you to know I was still alive.
xoxo
me
Friday, August 1, 2008
Sexy
I have met the first man in my life that after being around him for a day all I could think about doing was sticking my tongue down his throat.
*blank stare*
I'm serious.
*blink*
ok ok, let me back up. He was part of the new group of surgical students coming through the hospital. When I first met him I didn't think he was very attractive, but a couple days in he started to hang around me a little more and... he drips sex. DRIPS. I think it started when I saw his arms when he took off his lab coat for a surgery... which immediately had me staring at his hands (not too hot) and had me staring at his arms again. That day he got my number, and plans were made to hang out that weekend. He didn't disappoint in regular clothes, and has maybe the most amazing body I've seen in a very. very. VERY long time.
The problem with men who drip sex is that they know it. Since then I've realized that he has girls EVERYWHERE. I'm pretty sure he has 2 girlfriends, and that thought alone had me back up a little and just happy with staring at him. We've had a nice flirtation going on at the hospital (which doesn't make me feel too guilty because he has 2 girlfriends) and saves me from actually contemplating tackling him and... sticking my tongue down his throat.
I just need to express that I've never thought someone like this existed. When I'm not around him I couldn't care less if I talk about him. But when he's around... I am so incredibly attracted to him it's ridiculous. I guess there are different categories. Handsome (which he's not), Hot (those are reserved for the ones you see and immediately want from down the street), Attractive (the ones that grow on you, I guess he could be that too), cute (like puppies!), and sexy.
It's scary being so attracted to someone. I know it's dangerous and have backed off... but still.
He.
Drips.
Sex.
Good thing my surgical rotation is over and I'm moving ;).
*blank stare*
I'm serious.
*blink*
ok ok, let me back up. He was part of the new group of surgical students coming through the hospital. When I first met him I didn't think he was very attractive, but a couple days in he started to hang around me a little more and... he drips sex. DRIPS. I think it started when I saw his arms when he took off his lab coat for a surgery... which immediately had me staring at his hands (not too hot) and had me staring at his arms again. That day he got my number, and plans were made to hang out that weekend. He didn't disappoint in regular clothes, and has maybe the most amazing body I've seen in a very. very. VERY long time.
The problem with men who drip sex is that they know it. Since then I've realized that he has girls EVERYWHERE. I'm pretty sure he has 2 girlfriends, and that thought alone had me back up a little and just happy with staring at him. We've had a nice flirtation going on at the hospital (which doesn't make me feel too guilty because he has 2 girlfriends) and saves me from actually contemplating tackling him and... sticking my tongue down his throat.
I just need to express that I've never thought someone like this existed. When I'm not around him I couldn't care less if I talk about him. But when he's around... I am so incredibly attracted to him it's ridiculous. I guess there are different categories. Handsome (which he's not), Hot (those are reserved for the ones you see and immediately want from down the street), Attractive (the ones that grow on you, I guess he could be that too), cute (like puppies!), and sexy.
It's scary being so attracted to someone. I know it's dangerous and have backed off... but still.
He.
Drips.
Sex.
Good thing my surgical rotation is over and I'm moving ;).
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The smell of death is sour.
I remember the first person I saw die.
I'm unsure of whether or not he was already dead before I got there. His pulses weren't palpable by that point and the only thing perfusing his organs was dr's and nurses pumping at his chest while yelling out orders for epinephrine, atropine and the rest of the ACLS protocol trying to restart his heart. All I remember is hearing the code, rushing to the room amidst all the other medical staff, seeing his roommate being wheeled out of the room, him laying on the ground in a pool of blood and the smell.
Death smells sour. It smells sour, putrid and vile. It's a smell that you'll never forget once you've been acquainted with it (kinda like C. diff... peeeuu!).
A code (and a trama) is like nothing you've ever seen. There are a gajillion nurses, techs, dr's and students running around trying to get all the things necessary to save someone's life. People are shouting, drugs are being passed around, IV lines are being secured, airways are being evaluated, etc etc. Every person has a role, and whoever doesn't crowds around the doorway ready to step in the second their needed.
Yesterday there was another code in the SICU. The first of our patients in 3 months to full on code, during transport no less. He stopped being responsive in the elevator from the telemetry unit en route to the SICU and the rush began. I heard the code while trying to get blood for some routine labs and booked it down there.
I saw the crowd as I ran up to the room and saw one of our interns pumping at the patient's chest while others we setting up a femoral line and doing the other necessary things to bring the patient back. The second I entered the room... I smelled it. It was like the first time only this time i knew what it was. I took over compressions putting my entire body weight on the man's chest. I felt one of his ribs break, I noticed my bangs getting into my eyes, and watched as his oversized obese belly flowed with every thrust I put into him.
I barely heard as the nurses shouted what drug was being administered next and watched as one of the residents attempted to insert a chest tube only to be greeted with a large stream of blood the second he entered the thoracic cavity. I can still see his eyes get wide as he stuck his entire finger into the hole to plug the faucet like rush of blood while he muttered "something's not right." I remember staring at the patients face... and remembering how blue he looked, "just like the first one" I thought, as someone started pulling me away from the body "switch out and take a break! You're panting." And someone else took over, as I wiped my forehead and realized I was covered in blood.
We kept doing compressions for the next 45 minutes, I administered epi, atropine, bicarb and etc during the breaks from compressions in an attempt to get his heart back on track. I watched as the attending removed clots of blood by the handful as he tried to clear the cavity for his lungs. He died at 11:37AM, due to a pulmonary artery rupture. He had no chance. The blood we gave him to bring him back was going in and being pushed right into his chest, they could feel the cold blood being put in come right back out... and all I could remember was the smell.
I smelled it on me all day. I washed my hands at least 30 times, afterwards before eating, during eating, etc etc. I could barely finish my lunch because I smelled it on me... it was... there. Ugh it was awful.
I hate it.
Medicine is only fun when you save lives...
I'm unsure of whether or not he was already dead before I got there. His pulses weren't palpable by that point and the only thing perfusing his organs was dr's and nurses pumping at his chest while yelling out orders for epinephrine, atropine and the rest of the ACLS protocol trying to restart his heart. All I remember is hearing the code, rushing to the room amidst all the other medical staff, seeing his roommate being wheeled out of the room, him laying on the ground in a pool of blood and the smell.
Death smells sour. It smells sour, putrid and vile. It's a smell that you'll never forget once you've been acquainted with it (kinda like C. diff... peeeuu!).
A code (and a trama) is like nothing you've ever seen. There are a gajillion nurses, techs, dr's and students running around trying to get all the things necessary to save someone's life. People are shouting, drugs are being passed around, IV lines are being secured, airways are being evaluated, etc etc. Every person has a role, and whoever doesn't crowds around the doorway ready to step in the second their needed.
Yesterday there was another code in the SICU. The first of our patients in 3 months to full on code, during transport no less. He stopped being responsive in the elevator from the telemetry unit en route to the SICU and the rush began. I heard the code while trying to get blood for some routine labs and booked it down there.
I saw the crowd as I ran up to the room and saw one of our interns pumping at the patient's chest while others we setting up a femoral line and doing the other necessary things to bring the patient back. The second I entered the room... I smelled it. It was like the first time only this time i knew what it was. I took over compressions putting my entire body weight on the man's chest. I felt one of his ribs break, I noticed my bangs getting into my eyes, and watched as his oversized obese belly flowed with every thrust I put into him.
I barely heard as the nurses shouted what drug was being administered next and watched as one of the residents attempted to insert a chest tube only to be greeted with a large stream of blood the second he entered the thoracic cavity. I can still see his eyes get wide as he stuck his entire finger into the hole to plug the faucet like rush of blood while he muttered "something's not right." I remember staring at the patients face... and remembering how blue he looked, "just like the first one" I thought, as someone started pulling me away from the body "switch out and take a break! You're panting." And someone else took over, as I wiped my forehead and realized I was covered in blood.
We kept doing compressions for the next 45 minutes, I administered epi, atropine, bicarb and etc during the breaks from compressions in an attempt to get his heart back on track. I watched as the attending removed clots of blood by the handful as he tried to clear the cavity for his lungs. He died at 11:37AM, due to a pulmonary artery rupture. He had no chance. The blood we gave him to bring him back was going in and being pushed right into his chest, they could feel the cold blood being put in come right back out... and all I could remember was the smell.
I smelled it on me all day. I washed my hands at least 30 times, afterwards before eating, during eating, etc etc. I could barely finish my lunch because I smelled it on me... it was... there. Ugh it was awful.
I hate it.
Medicine is only fun when you save lives...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Today was a good day
I woke up at 5, scrubbed into 4 cases, helped with the breast clinic, went to class, afternoon rounding was pushed back to around 7 by a trauma that luckily ended well, and I found myself heading home, exhausted, and dreading the fact that I still had to run at 8pm.
So I dressed for the run (this means I have to go... no really), and made my way into my tiny nyc kitchen to make myself some instant coffee (it's not cheating!) to help energize me for my run. I go out on my crappy nyc balcony, sit on my crappy dilapidated/rusted nyc porch chairs... and realized the city was in complete view for once. (the view is the only thing I love about my place)
The weather had cooled down a little, and the normal haze that overlies the city had somehow been lifted. The sun was setting and the lights of the city were beginning to come out. The boats silently were making their way back into harbor, and it was...
The word perfect is reserved for situations like this.
A feeling of peace came over me.
Perfect weather, perfect view, not perfect instant coffee, and the realization that at that very moment, I was happy.
I gave myself that moment... I think it's called relaxing... it was amazing.
I think I only sat out there for 5 minutes... then I went for a run and huffed and puffed back home, showered, made plans for the weekend, and blogged.
Sometimes my spiritual self takes moments like this to thank god for giving her everything she has, and all the experiences she's lived through. Then my anti-religion side freaks out and wonders if she sounded like she was preaching.
So I dressed for the run (this means I have to go... no really), and made my way into my tiny nyc kitchen to make myself some instant coffee (it's not cheating!) to help energize me for my run. I go out on my crappy nyc balcony, sit on my crappy dilapidated/rusted nyc porch chairs... and realized the city was in complete view for once. (the view is the only thing I love about my place)
The weather had cooled down a little, and the normal haze that overlies the city had somehow been lifted. The sun was setting and the lights of the city were beginning to come out. The boats silently were making their way back into harbor, and it was...
The word perfect is reserved for situations like this.
A feeling of peace came over me.
Perfect weather, perfect view, not perfect instant coffee, and the realization that at that very moment, I was happy.
I gave myself that moment... I think it's called relaxing... it was amazing.
I think I only sat out there for 5 minutes... then I went for a run and huffed and puffed back home, showered, made plans for the weekend, and blogged.
Sometimes my spiritual self takes moments like this to thank god for giving her everything she has, and all the experiences she's lived through. Then my anti-religion side freaks out and wonders if she sounded like she was preaching.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Stupid shin splints
I felt like I haven't written in awhile, and I would like to keep this blog updated... so I guess rambling is in order.
I've started running. This was in an effort to get in shape and shed some extra pounds. It felt good in the beginning, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Wanna know how much weight I've lost in 3 weeks? Nada... so along with running and changing my diet I am still at exactly the same weight I was when I was eating whatever I wanted and not huffing and puffing down the street every day. Brilliant. I'm trying to keep at it, but unfortunately I think I'm getting shin splints and with NYC's amazing sidewalks, I twisted my ankle on some uneven (read construction hell) pavement... boo.
I attempted to reach out to Navy before the holiday weekend began. I felt like 2 months was long enough and if I wanted to pursue a friendship sometime in the near future reaching a hand in that direction was in order. So I called him and yeah - definitely didn't work out. I'm thinking he's still not happy with me, or that i've overestimated him and he's just extremely immature. The latter is probably the most fitting, but I don't like thinking about it. It's sad. Operation keep navy as friend is being abandoned. Unfortunate... I really mean that, I miss him around.
I've decided on a field to pursue in my medical studies... I think (lets hope I don't change my mind again). It's very competitive but I think I can do it. I'm focusing all my studies around it, and if I make it - I'll be one very happy doctor. Cross your fingers everyone.
I've made friends with 2 of the girls living in my "house" with me.
One is a very stupid young girl who has a very cute body and not so cute face. She reminds me a lot of me in the way she rationalizes everything and how she views herself in the world. Mostly she reminds me of me in dealing with the boys (and I mean BOYS) in her life. I tried to give her a talking to - the kind where you're overly harsh and tell them to get over themselves - but I don't think it worked. It's amazing how much 3 years can make a difference in the way you see the world. She's fresh out of college and I look at her like a child. Is that odd? Am I growing up? God I hope not.
The other is trying to get into fashion and very into christianity. She kinda reminds me of sara on the real world - judgemental and stubborn, but means well. She's an awesome running buddy though, so that's a bonus :). She also has a very unique sense of style, which i love - meh, we'll see, I'm trying to get out of this "house" by the end of the month.
Perfect on paper is still around, and always decides to drop a line right when I stop caring if he'll contact me or not. He's confusing, but an option I'm going to keep open. If it's meant to be... it'll be, my life is too high paced right now to deal with him and the uncertainty of either of our lives pre-match.
Other than that, I don't know - there are some updates. I'm not miserable, so the overanalytical part of me is resting a bit. But don't worry - she'll be back soon, I can feel it.
I've started running. This was in an effort to get in shape and shed some extra pounds. It felt good in the beginning, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Wanna know how much weight I've lost in 3 weeks? Nada... so along with running and changing my diet I am still at exactly the same weight I was when I was eating whatever I wanted and not huffing and puffing down the street every day. Brilliant. I'm trying to keep at it, but unfortunately I think I'm getting shin splints and with NYC's amazing sidewalks, I twisted my ankle on some uneven (read construction hell) pavement... boo.
I attempted to reach out to Navy before the holiday weekend began. I felt like 2 months was long enough and if I wanted to pursue a friendship sometime in the near future reaching a hand in that direction was in order. So I called him and yeah - definitely didn't work out. I'm thinking he's still not happy with me, or that i've overestimated him and he's just extremely immature. The latter is probably the most fitting, but I don't like thinking about it. It's sad. Operation keep navy as friend is being abandoned. Unfortunate... I really mean that, I miss him around.
I've decided on a field to pursue in my medical studies... I think (lets hope I don't change my mind again). It's very competitive but I think I can do it. I'm focusing all my studies around it, and if I make it - I'll be one very happy doctor. Cross your fingers everyone.
I've made friends with 2 of the girls living in my "house" with me.
One is a very stupid young girl who has a very cute body and not so cute face. She reminds me a lot of me in the way she rationalizes everything and how she views herself in the world. Mostly she reminds me of me in dealing with the boys (and I mean BOYS) in her life. I tried to give her a talking to - the kind where you're overly harsh and tell them to get over themselves - but I don't think it worked. It's amazing how much 3 years can make a difference in the way you see the world. She's fresh out of college and I look at her like a child. Is that odd? Am I growing up? God I hope not.
The other is trying to get into fashion and very into christianity. She kinda reminds me of sara on the real world - judgemental and stubborn, but means well. She's an awesome running buddy though, so that's a bonus :). She also has a very unique sense of style, which i love - meh, we'll see, I'm trying to get out of this "house" by the end of the month.
Perfect on paper is still around, and always decides to drop a line right when I stop caring if he'll contact me or not. He's confusing, but an option I'm going to keep open. If it's meant to be... it'll be, my life is too high paced right now to deal with him and the uncertainty of either of our lives pre-match.
Other than that, I don't know - there are some updates. I'm not miserable, so the overanalytical part of me is resting a bit. But don't worry - she'll be back soon, I can feel it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)