PSA

I guess this post has been a long time coming. I'm so good at dealing with everyone else's problems rather than mine... I am the queen of denial. If I don't talk, see, deal with it - it's not happening right? But if my best friend's father she hate's dies... I'm there for her, if the grandmother she rarely spoke to dies, I'm there for her... if her best friend growing up's father dies... I'm there for her. But somehow - things always hit home and you see things much differently.

PSA is the antigen used in screening for prostate hyperplasia or carcinoma. In normal talk when someone's PSA is elevated that means either the person just has a big prostate (that should be carefully watched) or cancer. Anything more than 4 means an enlarged prostate with a chance of carcinoma, anything above 10 has a 50% chance of being cancer.

My grandmother has been very sick for some time. She's been in and out of the hospital, and even had a scary trip to the ICU while I was in basics. My grandfather has retired and where he use to have her waiting on him (she was sooooooo cute the way she'd plan out his day, have food waiting for him, doing his laundry) he is now running the house.

They had/have the perfect marriage, perfectly happy in their roles. She stayed home, cooked, cleaned, never even had a drivers license, he took care of everything outside of that. He has never once complained the role reversal, of her being sick, of having to dress her, has learned to cook (after watching her for 60 some years) and listens to her nagging while he fumbles to organize the millions of pills he has to give her for her heart.

We have never questioned whether he could survive without her. I dreading her death have distanced myself. Writing about this, and even thinking it usually brings upon tears (which is no bueno in the library while I'm studying for boards... but procrastination is a bitch) which I push away by what? not thinking about it. But about a month ago I had a nightmare while spending the night at navy's house:

Navy: "WAKE UP!"
Me: *grumble* "whaaaaatrudoing"
Navy: "You're crying"
Me: *snuggle*
Navy: "You ok?"
Me: *groggy* "Grampather..."

I don't remember this interaction. He told me about it when he e mailed me from work the next day, I do however remember the dream:

Some man (who was not my real grandfather) told me and my cousins (who were not my real cousins) he was going to die. I started bawling as he started giving valuables to my cousins, in turn not giving me anything. He looked at me and told me I already had my present and pointed to a old watch on my arm - at which point I think navy woke me up.

(I keep having to pause because I'm crying so if this blog doesn't have it's normal fluidity I'm sorry)

The next morning I get a message from my mother: "Call me ASAP"

I call her back during a study break and tell her about my dream. She sits there quietly and tells me my grandfather has prostate cancer, and that he's gifting me with his restaurant. Then she proceeds to ask me everything I know about it. I ask the usual questions trying to figure out it's severity and kick in doctor mode. I made her think it wasn't as bad as it was presenting her with the facts. He's over 80, if it hasn't metastasized it's not that bad, blah blah. Then I hung up the phone, and cried.

I cried all day, and then I stopped - and never thought about it again.

Except for the weekend when we went to tell him at his house.

I was FUMING. HOW DARE THE DOCTOR BREACH CONFIDENTIALITY AND EXPECT HIS FAMILY TO TELL HIM. The doctor had told my aunt, who told my father she wasn't going to tell him, to which my father turned around and told my grandfather. I went with the family that weekend and ate the lunch my grandfather had prepared under my grandmothers watchful eye. But I honestly couldn't take it and made an excuse about having to get back to studying and left. My father told him shortly after, he described the scene to me as this:

I went to the kitchen while we were cleaning up and told him softly. He just nodded his head and told me not to tell your grandmother.

This of course had me in tears again because of how brave he was trying to be, he was scared if my grandmother knew she'd give up. If he died she would be sure to die.

BTW, I NEVER cry, unless I'm angry... :)

I grew up with a very close family. I love my parents (yes, even my overbearing mother) and I love my grandparents (I call them mom and dad). They have and will always be the closest things to me. To lose someone that close scares the shit out of me. Due to his age and etc, apparently his treatment isn't too bad - but I don't trust anything the family says until I can see his medical records and figure out the grade of the cancer and etc.

He's given me access to his medical records but... I just can't bring myself to sort through it. I keep using my boards as an excuse. I have too much stuff to review, too little hours in a day, I need to meet so and so, fix something, anything so that I don't have to sit down and figure things out.

Regardless, this is my post to myself telling myself my grandfather has cancer, that he is strong, that he willl fight through it, and no matter what weird dreams say he will not die anytime soon, and that everything will be ok.