Heads or Tails?

Remember when you were filling out college applications? You'd write/rewrite your essays, then check all the appropriate boxes mindlessly - yet when it came to picking your major you'd hesitate. At least I did. Biology, no premed, no marketing, no no definitely biology, but if i pick blah i'll have a better chance getting in - yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I'm there again, only in the real world.

People keep asking me what field I want to go into. Do I want to go into Internal Medicine or Family medicine? Pediatrics or OBGYN? Surgery or specialization? And every day I decide that I'm definitely going to focus towards one - and change my mind the next. Mainly because the decision lies in financial/personal security - or moral goals that drove me into the field to begin with.

I want to be a doctor because I want to help people. I want to go to places in this world where people can't take care of themselves. I want to organize charities, help distribute clothes, treat people who don't have the luxury of having a doctor nearby and give back to a world that has so much potential. I want all this but sometimes reality hits me - I can't do it feasibly with the perfect cookie cutter life I've envisioned for myself.

I am a woman, and eventually I'll need to get married and have kids. Can I find a husband willing to travel with me? One who doesn't mind the pay cut? What about children - I can't move them around while I go into dangerous surroundings -- let alone HAVING them, an epidural is a MUST, I don't like pain, 3rd world countries don't look to appealing.

Medicine seems to be the best choice for the charitable side of me. It allows me to work in the hospital with the sick - those with common ailments that go bad. It doesn't pay much compared to the other fields unless I start my own practice later in life - and unfortunately will leave most of my debt unpaid until i'm in my 40's it seems. But it would allow me to learn a broad variety of treatments that could allow me to maybe go to these desolate places and help the best I'm able. I would be seeing patients daily, regardless of mood or choice.

Radiology attracts the selfish cookie cutter wannabe mom inside of me. They make a very good salary with the least amount of time away from home. In fact - I could set up office from home while popping out babies and watching soap opera's all day. It has the least interaction with patients and more family time - which as a mother, I would be keen on. But it makes me feel like I would be copping out if I took that route.

Sometimes I try to dream of my future. I'd be doing IM and have my own practice. I'd have picked up some extra specialties like reading xrays (hello more debt and more school), and maybe help with bills by doing botox here and there I'd be travelling to 3rd world countries every summer with my now older children and very disposable husband who's job lets him roam around for 3 months at a time.

Even as I re-read this entry, I still don't think I make any sense. I just need to figure everything out...

I have a doctor's without borders meeting next week - I'll keep this updated.