Bye bye Navy

I've been prolonging writing this blog - though now I feel like it would've been much more interesting for me to come back to if I wrote daily after the break up.

I broke up with navy exactly one week ago, on a monday morning, over the phone, and haven't spoken to him since.

I think it was mutual...

I could fill this blog with why i should have and all the reasons why it's right, but I've decided to do the harder thing and tell you why it hurts. I haven't let myself see that, and it's so much easier to type this out to an annoymous group of people vs. telling a friend who probably wouldn't understand or want to hear my complaints anyway - because it's right, and because everyone's happy I've finally dumped him... mutually... we broke up mutually - i think he wanted it too...

So here we go:
It hurts because for a year and a half I loved him.
It hurts because he tried so hard to get me, and eventually didn't care that he was losing me.
It hurts because I love his dimples, and poking them while he puffed out his cheeks to hide them from me.
It hurts because his mother e mailed me the day of the break-up telling me i was a part of her family, and she was hurt and shocked that we were not together.
It hurts because I couldn't talk to her about it.
It hurts because I don't want to see him with anyone other than myself, I can't see him touching another girl, kissing her, or saying anything to her that I want to hear him tell me.
It hurts because I love him, even though we would never have a future together.
It hurts because I want to be with him, but know nothing has changed, and that I need to walk away and let him be with another girl so that he and I can both be happier.
It hurts, and I haven't let anyone see it.
It hurts because it's the first time I've really loved someone and walked away because it's for the best.

I haven't let anyone see me cry. When I tell people we broke up and they clap and exclaim "finally!" or "good!" or "thank god, you can do so much better" I shrug and give a little smile. I haven't called him, and asked him never to call me. I can still hear him whispering into the phone after I told him it would be easier "I can't promise that." I can't forget him staying those 4 words. They repeat in my head every night before bed.

I deleted every e mail from him, in my inbox and the trash - so that I couldn't read them over and over to torture myself. I deleted him and his friends from online networking sites, so that I couldn't get any updates of pictures of him out with friends - and so that he didn't see me doing anything, IF he decided to peek in and I had somehow moved on and went on a date.

I went through my voicemail and deleted his messages... one having been sent only 3 days prior that also replays in my head every night because of sweet and happy he sounded.

So now I'm in a state of limbo. During the day I'm fine, it's the nights where I get miserable and sappy. I've had 2 people express interest, and though I haven't fought them off... their advances are unwanted. For the first time after a break up I'm not bouncing back. I'm not trying to get another boyfriend quick to replace this one. Any other man calling me at night or text messaging me feels like an imposter. It just feels wrong, and awkward... and fake. Their advances anger me in a way - do they really think that after a long term relationship I could just jump back into the swing of things, or show them any sort of interest at all? Annoying.

I want to be alone... and heal...

Oh yeah, and after the break up I cut my hair 5 inches, bought a new blackberry (SO COOL!), just started surgery, and I moved to the big city, with a view of the water and lady liberty herself.

All within the last 7 days... how's that for a quarterlife crisis.