I've restrained myself from contacting you, or letting you see any aspect of my life... and I hope you're doing well. I honestly mean that. Though I don't know how mutual our break up was, I'd like to think that you walked away from it thinking it was your idea... that was always the plan.
I should have broken up with you after chicago. After you lied to me about S and how much time you were spending with her. I should've broken up with you when you made such a big deal about going to the navy ball, and then after I finally agreed decided we shouldn't go. I should have broken up with you when you weren't supportive during my exams. I should have broken up with you after that big fight we had on new years where you left me at the metro station drunk and freezing - even though you said you were just hailing a cab. I should have broken up with you when you left me at the bars because you thought I was flirting with your friend, and left me to sleep on his couch the night I made my first attempt at breaking it off - the same night you looked at me with those red eyes, begging me not to go in the tighted bear hug of all time. I should've done it long before, but I unfortunately made the mistake of loving you, and wanting you to be ok with the break before it happened.
I never saw us together, you're uneducated, unmotivated, and only focus on appearances. You have no money management skills, nor any conception of the future and your role in it. The only reason we were together initially was because I was lonely, and the only reason I committed was because you worked SO HARD for me that I thought in some weird way you saw something in me I didn't. But the second I became comfortable, brought down all my walls, and let you in - I'd left for chicago and you became... bored? Whatever it was you lost whatever drive you had to keep me... and the examples cited above ensued. Instead of attempting to fix us you closed off, and whatever was missing inside you, you put on me, and blamed me for your unhappiness. You stopped working for us, you gave up - and unfortunately it seems to be a character trait I expected from you.
You're unconfrontational, your morals are questionable (concerning the B/B situation) and in some ways I look at you like a coward. You lie when confronted by a situation you don't want to be in, you look the other way when you should stand strong, and you're not someone who can ever make it in the world you dream of living in because the character you play isn't really who you are. Your advice was ALWAYS wrong with the exception of what car to buy or sports stats... both fields I find extremely boring.
These are all the flaws I saw in you when I made that list. The one I gave you with the pros and cons of us during my first attempt. I didn't list all of the ones I've listed... but I put a few that I thought you could maybe work on. You never did. Your pros took longer to think of... the only things I could think of were 1. I love him, 2. thinks I'm beautiful, 3. Loves me. And 3 was put only because I felt the list was too short...
I really did love you, and I really do want the best for you. But I look at you knowing that you're a train wreck in the making. You need to cut back on your drinking, take your schooling (the one I forced you into) more seriously, think about what you're going to do for the rest of your life and make some long term decisions. You need to pay off your debt, stop hanging out with the trash you call friends, and know your potential. For once in your life do something worthwhile. If anything I think completing your packet to be an officer is perfect... I don't see you making anything out of yourself at this point in your life. You're hopeless. You depend on others to make decisions for you, and if you make any decisions for yourself they're normally hopelessly positively marked for failure... which is unfortunate, because you deserve better.
You have a good heart, a little selfish at times, but if you're passionate about something - I'm sure you could make a difference. You mean well, you just need... something, you're missing something. I don't know what it is. Maybe you just haven't grown up, maybe you care too much about what others think about you, maybe - maybe you're just not THERE yet - but you could be. I've always told you that. You could be something great... you just need to realize it.
So why am I writing this in my blog and not sending it to you? Why am I venting like some girl with a grudge when I'd been planning our break up for at least 8 months before it actually happen? Why did I wait the 8 months and not just break it off? Maybe because I had/have hope. It use to be hope for us, and now it's just hope for you.
You don't need to hear this from me. I'm the ex girlfriend. Someone who is expected to see all your faults and whose opinion may be brushed off as a rant if approached in the wrong manner. So I've never told you and will see if sometime in the future, sometime when we might actually be friends again, when our relationship is behind us and words like this wont be considered games - I'll see if I can help you. I'll tell you what I saw now and what I'll be seeing then. I'll be there because I love you. I really do - I may not be in love with you, and I might not have been for awhile... but know that I do want the best for you. These words aren't meant to be hurtful... and they're not being spat out due to any anger or resentment towards you... they're meant to be truthful and have come from months of realizing why you and I would never end up together.
I was miserable with you, because I only cared about fixing you - somehow I forgot about myself.
So happy birthday navy
May this coming year be better than your last...
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