No more dead log.

I went out this weekend, and I forgot who I was. I put myself in situations I learned a long time ago never to put myself in... and it's like I forgot. I forgot who I was. I forgot how strong I was, and I made exceptions because I thought maybe I was feeling uncomfortable being single.

I've slept next to 3 guys in the past 4 days. Not in a sexual way, but "cuddled" non the less. They all made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to... but I thought that I only felt that way because the only man I'd slept next to for the past year and a half was navy... and before him there was no one (basic sciences makes it difficult to date).

I was kinda pushed into the situation because I was in the city, out, drunk, and crashed at a friend of a friend's place. Therefore his friend (whoever it was that night) thought they should do the obligatory move, and while the friend of a friend was hitting on my friend, the friend would make passes at me. Ugh. I'm so annoyed thinking about the situation(s) I put myself in.

Friday night, FOF (friend of a friend) is allowing my friend to spend the weekend with him while she's in town. We initially thought he wouldn't be there, which meant I brought my sleepover stuff to his apt (he was supposed to let us be using it while in the city) so she and I could do whatever we wanted. He's in love with her (she has a boyfriend) and skips his business deal in london to stay at home and try to be with her.

This means he wants to make all the plans (did I mention I really don't like him? He's 26, has new money, and absolutely no taste... not to mention arrogant) and doesn't understand that my friend and I are poor (hi, in medical school, 200k loan so far buddy, thanks). So he's taking us to all these popular expensive places in the city we can't afford, and LUCKY ME! he's inviting another male friend to keep me company it seems. So instead of hanging out with my friend friday night, I have to fight off this other equally obnoxious quality guy (also made a couple million this year, and expected me to be impressed while he told me about it... gag me) and be civil because all my shit is at FOF's house. Regardless the end of the night ends up with me cornered into sleeping in the same bed that the dude invited out for me... and although sleeping next to him wasn't bad - having him inhaling my hair, waking me up to ask me what shampoo I use ("it smells so good" *snarf*), and also waking me up by kissing me (ew gross loser, I'm sleeping! Not to mention even if you did have a chance, you probably should have initially tried to kiss me while I was awake) didn't fly by so well.

I scooted as far away from his as I could cursing myself every time he scooted near me, and played dead log all night hoping he'd give up trying to hook up with me

IDIOT! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION! WHAT IF HE WAS PSYCHO AND FORCED HIMSELF ON ME!

did I learn? No.

The next night I stayed thinking we were going to a house party where I would know people, but FOF had different ideas... again after pregamming at his house (i'm nice and toasty at this point) a random guy drops by and our plans have changed. I was more prepared this time and invited some friends to meet us up at the bar we ended up at, but FOF was equally slick and moved us around enough to where I couldn't keep up people around me to show up. UGH. I can't believe I was in this situation again.

This time though, when FOF's (new) friend tried to move in for a kiss (this one was more aggressive) I bit him.

You heard me.

Then I laughed at him and ran off.

He thought I was flirting...

I guess I kinda let him. I think I didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable... I don't know, I was drunk. ugh.

Anyhoo, I continued to play nice after that (I did bite him pretty hard) and thought he got the point when I told him I don't kiss strangers (I just bite). We continued our fun drunkeness... him not trying to kiss me again while I was awake, but then again - I ended up having to sleep in the same bed as FOF's random friend.

So I tried passing out again like a dead log (I am such an idiot) while this fool is rubbing my back, and passing his hands over my boobs. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! Why did I just lay there? And then I passed out, uncomfortable, with him kissing at my neck, cringing.


Have you noticed I haven't mentioned kissing any of these guys while awake - nor have I mentioned letting them get close enough to do anything else with the exception of the biting?

ugh.

And last night, a guy I've known for a long time came over... he randomly came into town to see a girl he's "dating" - I don't know what they are. He called me and asked if he could crash - I tell him of course... he shows up, and when the light goes off he starts rubbing my back. Now I'm very comfortable with him, and know he's touchy feely, but i dunno - the backrub turned into a full body rub... and i dunno - it was weird. Much weirder when I wake up to him kissing my back while I was sleeping, and again another man passed his hands over my boobs... and again I laid there as if I didn't know it happened cringing the whole time.

This is how girls get raped.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I had something like this happen to me back in college...

a guy who was friend's with the dude my roommate was hooking up with at the time came into my room while I was sleeping. I didn't lock my doors back then... and I slept naked. He climbed into bed with me and tried to hook up with me... I never asked him to leave, and when he started touching me I only fought him off for a little before I turned into the dead log. I let him touch me and forcibly fought him off me while he tried to sleep with me. Luckily he didn't... and I didn't tell anyone till a week later I while ignoring my roommate and having her confront me, I blew up crying and told her. The more I let myself think about it the angrier I got.

I don't know why I turn into the log... but I taught myself then that things like that aren't ok. If a guy is making you uncomfortable, it's ok for you to make him uncomfortable. No one should ever make me feel the way I feel when things like this happen... and I have no one to blame but myself.

I should have said something.

I should have taken myself out of that situation.

I should never have been in that situation.

And it definitely wasn't because these guys weren't navy, it was because these guys were creeps (yes, even unfortunately my friend... I don't know what to say to him, ugh) and I was a coward.

I am an idiot.