I discriminate

Surgeons have a 200% divorce rate.

Yes, that means they get married, divorced, married again and then divorced again.

Surgeons are horny.

I was warned about them prior to this rotation. One of my interns in medicine was dealing with her break up from this amazing rising surgeon rotating through hopkins. Apparently he went from her to one of her good friends - a very messy situation.

Day one of my rotation I could tell by the looks I was getting that everything I heard about surgeons are true. Not only have I heard about certain residencies priding themselves on 100% of the surgeons entering their system getting divorced (and being proud of it), but I've seen the cocky I want to get in your pants routine way too often this past week.

Last night on call I was unfortunately on call with an intern who decided that I was going to be the fresh meat he would try to tackle first. Within minutes of free time (around 12am) he was trying to establish if i was dating my partner (this guy from basics I've known since the beginning), if I had a boyfriend, and what I was doing tonight (friday night).

I avoided the boyfriend question, my partner and I laughed about the two of us being together, and I attempted to be vague about my whereabouts last night. Unfortunately the intern had other ideas. Seeing as how he wasn't getting anywhere by asking questions when the medical students were around him together (we usually do things by teams btw - and I would let my partner answer all questions) he cornered me in the on call room when my partner left to get some water.

Scene: On call room, 3 beds (tiny), me curled up - face covered,
Intern: so you coming out tomorrow night?
Me: I don't know yet
Intern: come on, lets go out, I'm inviting you
Me: I mean, I'm living _______ so if I headed out there I'd probably have [my partner] find me a place to sleep - I'm too suburban for this city, everything scares me - especially at 4 AM
Intern: How about you can sleep at my place?
Me: Umm... we'll see what happens
Intern: (i don't really remember what he said) *insert guilt trip here about him being my intern and inviting me out and blah blah*
Me: ok ok ok I'll try

later:
Me: *informing partner of what happened* cover for me
Partner: shit, i'll just say I couldn't come pick you up
Me: don't give him my number
Partner: Don't be mean, he's going to be grading you
Me: shit.

The unfortunate thing is that this guy is uber smart and tall (not very attractive, but I'm trying to stay away from hot guys, they always end up being too stupid for me) and had he gone about asking me out the normal way, like saaaaaaaaaay dinner, I would have probably accepted - rebound dates are awesome when you've just broke up with someone. But him trying to get me to some ritzy club in nyc and planning on taking me back to his place afterwards after only being on call with me for 3 hours makes me think he's not being very sincere in his actions.

I don't like being treated like a piece of meat. A guy who attempt to get to know me prior to taking actions on my looks goes much further than a guy who I can see staring at my ass a mile away.

I'm staying away from surgeons from now on. Their reputations seem to be too true for my liking - I don't need that right now.

Reality

So here's what I actually think everyday when I'm not alone and thinking about the weight of the world of my shoulders. I've only had about 1-2 weak moments (I've blogged both thank you) and honestly, I think I've taken this break up amazingly well. Point being:

I love navy, but I don't want to be with him and don't see a future with him.

Many of the things he does annoy me. Since the beginning of the relationship he never answered any questions right. When asked what his plan was for the rest of his life I got silence. "You know that's not like me, I always have a plan, I guess I have to think about it," was his response... I guess he's still thinking... He was anal, stubborn, and didn't think outside the box. Everything had to be planned, and he never wanted to do spontaneous fun things liiiike - randomly go for a drive the scenic route, or go snowboarding instead of being holed up all day.

Our conversations were dull, he only liked to talk about sports, hated discussing politics, would never talk about his day, didn't gossip, and found no interest in the medical field at all. When I would learn something new he would never let me talk about it, he would yawn or tell me he didn't want to hear about gross things like that. I wasn't allowed to practice physical exams on him because they would freak him out. He didn't understand when I had to study, and the classes he was taking he didn't care about - I think he earned C's in them. I was mortified that someone didn't care what their grade in a class would be.

After awhile I realized yes, he did work very hard to get me, but then when he got me it took only about a month and a half before he didn't really "care" anymore. Or should I say, he stopped trying and was just... there. That was around october... and since then it's been a battle. From then forward it was me reaching for him, not a happy medium or give and take. I eventually got sick of it and tried to break it off...

but the problem was that I still loved him, and when his big all american blue eyes that never cry looked at me red and brimming with tears... I knew I wouldn't be able to stay true to the break up.

That night I told my best friend that if anyone was going to end navy and my relationship, it would have to be navy. I was just going to scout for something new in the mean time.

I guess I did scout a little, I'd get crushes here and there, but navy was still number 1. It wasn't a factor of if navy and I would end, but when. But during that time I realized, I can't deal with going from this to something else. I had amazingly attractive smart guys who didn't know about navy trying to talk to me - and I couldn't bring myself to be THAT girl. The one that went from one thing to another.

Towards the last month navy began to see the inevitable end. He tried harder, did things for me he usually didn't but he knew would get brownie points for, but eventually I think he gave in too.

Last night I went on a networking site after speaking to his mother and scouted his page. I'm proud to announce that although seeing the pretty tiny little blonde's messages on there gushing about how she had a great weekend with him hurt - it was just reality. I hope she's nice, and I'm happy that he's able to get himself out there. It showed me that this was where he needed to be. He was a chaser, he still into mainly sexual interests, and I'm - i'm not. I'm looking for someone I can marry - not someone I can just fuck.

I really do love him, I really do want the best for him, and I know that he's just not the right guy for me. I just hate that I still feel jealous for a guy that hasn't really been my boyfriend for such a long time, and happy for him at the same time.

I just don't get it.

Navy's mom

I would repost the e mail she'd sent me when she found out navy and I broke up, but i deleted it to prevent myself from torturing myself with it.

However I've told myself to type in here instead of bitching to friends whenever anything navy related goes down sooo...

Tonight I called navy's mom to get her e mail to send her some pictures i had from when their family came to visit. The pictures hadn't been going through, and i wanted them off my phone. I definitely thought i could handle it. I definitely couldn't. I definitely cried (cringe) and tried to hide it miserably. She told me she thought i was going to be her daughter in law, and that her son was a moron. I told her it was for the best and that he needed this time to be single and do everything he had to before he met the girl he was going to marry. She told me she was framing a picture to put up of me and him from when he was in his uniform for him to see when he came home. I told her that probably wasn't a very good idea.

Whenever I think about how shitty navy was at times, I'm happy I'm no longer with him. But then I let myself remind myself how cute he was sometimes, and I miss it.

I am so freaking up and down. Who breaks up with a guy she still loves but knows she definitely doesn't want to be with?!

Bye bye Navy

I've been prolonging writing this blog - though now I feel like it would've been much more interesting for me to come back to if I wrote daily after the break up.

I broke up with navy exactly one week ago, on a monday morning, over the phone, and haven't spoken to him since.

I think it was mutual...

I could fill this blog with why i should have and all the reasons why it's right, but I've decided to do the harder thing and tell you why it hurts. I haven't let myself see that, and it's so much easier to type this out to an annoymous group of people vs. telling a friend who probably wouldn't understand or want to hear my complaints anyway - because it's right, and because everyone's happy I've finally dumped him... mutually... we broke up mutually - i think he wanted it too...

So here we go:
It hurts because for a year and a half I loved him.
It hurts because he tried so hard to get me, and eventually didn't care that he was losing me.
It hurts because I love his dimples, and poking them while he puffed out his cheeks to hide them from me.
It hurts because his mother e mailed me the day of the break-up telling me i was a part of her family, and she was hurt and shocked that we were not together.
It hurts because I couldn't talk to her about it.
It hurts because I don't want to see him with anyone other than myself, I can't see him touching another girl, kissing her, or saying anything to her that I want to hear him tell me.
It hurts because I love him, even though we would never have a future together.
It hurts because I want to be with him, but know nothing has changed, and that I need to walk away and let him be with another girl so that he and I can both be happier.
It hurts, and I haven't let anyone see it.
It hurts because it's the first time I've really loved someone and walked away because it's for the best.

I haven't let anyone see me cry. When I tell people we broke up and they clap and exclaim "finally!" or "good!" or "thank god, you can do so much better" I shrug and give a little smile. I haven't called him, and asked him never to call me. I can still hear him whispering into the phone after I told him it would be easier "I can't promise that." I can't forget him staying those 4 words. They repeat in my head every night before bed.

I deleted every e mail from him, in my inbox and the trash - so that I couldn't read them over and over to torture myself. I deleted him and his friends from online networking sites, so that I couldn't get any updates of pictures of him out with friends - and so that he didn't see me doing anything, IF he decided to peek in and I had somehow moved on and went on a date.

I went through my voicemail and deleted his messages... one having been sent only 3 days prior that also replays in my head every night because of sweet and happy he sounded.

So now I'm in a state of limbo. During the day I'm fine, it's the nights where I get miserable and sappy. I've had 2 people express interest, and though I haven't fought them off... their advances are unwanted. For the first time after a break up I'm not bouncing back. I'm not trying to get another boyfriend quick to replace this one. Any other man calling me at night or text messaging me feels like an imposter. It just feels wrong, and awkward... and fake. Their advances anger me in a way - do they really think that after a long term relationship I could just jump back into the swing of things, or show them any sort of interest at all? Annoying.

I want to be alone... and heal...

Oh yeah, and after the break up I cut my hair 5 inches, bought a new blackberry (SO COOL!), just started surgery, and I moved to the big city, with a view of the water and lady liberty herself.

All within the last 7 days... how's that for a quarterlife crisis.

Heads or Tails?

Remember when you were filling out college applications? You'd write/rewrite your essays, then check all the appropriate boxes mindlessly - yet when it came to picking your major you'd hesitate. At least I did. Biology, no premed, no marketing, no no definitely biology, but if i pick blah i'll have a better chance getting in - yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I'm there again, only in the real world.

People keep asking me what field I want to go into. Do I want to go into Internal Medicine or Family medicine? Pediatrics or OBGYN? Surgery or specialization? And every day I decide that I'm definitely going to focus towards one - and change my mind the next. Mainly because the decision lies in financial/personal security - or moral goals that drove me into the field to begin with.

I want to be a doctor because I want to help people. I want to go to places in this world where people can't take care of themselves. I want to organize charities, help distribute clothes, treat people who don't have the luxury of having a doctor nearby and give back to a world that has so much potential. I want all this but sometimes reality hits me - I can't do it feasibly with the perfect cookie cutter life I've envisioned for myself.

I am a woman, and eventually I'll need to get married and have kids. Can I find a husband willing to travel with me? One who doesn't mind the pay cut? What about children - I can't move them around while I go into dangerous surroundings -- let alone HAVING them, an epidural is a MUST, I don't like pain, 3rd world countries don't look to appealing.

Medicine seems to be the best choice for the charitable side of me. It allows me to work in the hospital with the sick - those with common ailments that go bad. It doesn't pay much compared to the other fields unless I start my own practice later in life - and unfortunately will leave most of my debt unpaid until i'm in my 40's it seems. But it would allow me to learn a broad variety of treatments that could allow me to maybe go to these desolate places and help the best I'm able. I would be seeing patients daily, regardless of mood or choice.

Radiology attracts the selfish cookie cutter wannabe mom inside of me. They make a very good salary with the least amount of time away from home. In fact - I could set up office from home while popping out babies and watching soap opera's all day. It has the least interaction with patients and more family time - which as a mother, I would be keen on. But it makes me feel like I would be copping out if I took that route.

Sometimes I try to dream of my future. I'd be doing IM and have my own practice. I'd have picked up some extra specialties like reading xrays (hello more debt and more school), and maybe help with bills by doing botox here and there I'd be travelling to 3rd world countries every summer with my now older children and very disposable husband who's job lets him roam around for 3 months at a time.

Even as I re-read this entry, I still don't think I make any sense. I just need to figure everything out...

I have a doctor's without borders meeting next week - I'll keep this updated.

Later :)

Earlier