Reality

So here's what I actually think everyday when I'm not alone and thinking about the weight of the world of my shoulders. I've only had about 1-2 weak moments (I've blogged both thank you) and honestly, I think I've taken this break up amazingly well. Point being:

I love navy, but I don't want to be with him and don't see a future with him.

Many of the things he does annoy me. Since the beginning of the relationship he never answered any questions right. When asked what his plan was for the rest of his life I got silence. "You know that's not like me, I always have a plan, I guess I have to think about it," was his response... I guess he's still thinking... He was anal, stubborn, and didn't think outside the box. Everything had to be planned, and he never wanted to do spontaneous fun things liiiike - randomly go for a drive the scenic route, or go snowboarding instead of being holed up all day.

Our conversations were dull, he only liked to talk about sports, hated discussing politics, would never talk about his day, didn't gossip, and found no interest in the medical field at all. When I would learn something new he would never let me talk about it, he would yawn or tell me he didn't want to hear about gross things like that. I wasn't allowed to practice physical exams on him because they would freak him out. He didn't understand when I had to study, and the classes he was taking he didn't care about - I think he earned C's in them. I was mortified that someone didn't care what their grade in a class would be.

After awhile I realized yes, he did work very hard to get me, but then when he got me it took only about a month and a half before he didn't really "care" anymore. Or should I say, he stopped trying and was just... there. That was around october... and since then it's been a battle. From then forward it was me reaching for him, not a happy medium or give and take. I eventually got sick of it and tried to break it off...

but the problem was that I still loved him, and when his big all american blue eyes that never cry looked at me red and brimming with tears... I knew I wouldn't be able to stay true to the break up.

That night I told my best friend that if anyone was going to end navy and my relationship, it would have to be navy. I was just going to scout for something new in the mean time.

I guess I did scout a little, I'd get crushes here and there, but navy was still number 1. It wasn't a factor of if navy and I would end, but when. But during that time I realized, I can't deal with going from this to something else. I had amazingly attractive smart guys who didn't know about navy trying to talk to me - and I couldn't bring myself to be THAT girl. The one that went from one thing to another.

Towards the last month navy began to see the inevitable end. He tried harder, did things for me he usually didn't but he knew would get brownie points for, but eventually I think he gave in too.

Last night I went on a networking site after speaking to his mother and scouted his page. I'm proud to announce that although seeing the pretty tiny little blonde's messages on there gushing about how she had a great weekend with him hurt - it was just reality. I hope she's nice, and I'm happy that he's able to get himself out there. It showed me that this was where he needed to be. He was a chaser, he still into mainly sexual interests, and I'm - i'm not. I'm looking for someone I can marry - not someone I can just fuck.

I really do love him, I really do want the best for him, and I know that he's just not the right guy for me. I just hate that I still feel jealous for a guy that hasn't really been my boyfriend for such a long time, and happy for him at the same time.

I just don't get it.