The smell of death is sour.

I remember the first person I saw die.

I'm unsure of whether or not he was already dead before I got there. His pulses weren't palpable by that point and the only thing perfusing his organs was dr's and nurses pumping at his chest while yelling out orders for epinephrine, atropine and the rest of the ACLS protocol trying to restart his heart. All I remember is hearing the code, rushing to the room amidst all the other medical staff, seeing his roommate being wheeled out of the room, him laying on the ground in a pool of blood and the smell.

Death smells sour. It smells sour, putrid and vile. It's a smell that you'll never forget once you've been acquainted with it (kinda like C. diff... peeeuu!).

A code (and a trama) is like nothing you've ever seen. There are a gajillion nurses, techs, dr's and students running around trying to get all the things necessary to save someone's life. People are shouting, drugs are being passed around, IV lines are being secured, airways are being evaluated, etc etc. Every person has a role, and whoever doesn't crowds around the doorway ready to step in the second their needed.

Yesterday there was another code in the SICU. The first of our patients in 3 months to full on code, during transport no less. He stopped being responsive in the elevator from the telemetry unit en route to the SICU and the rush began. I heard the code while trying to get blood for some routine labs and booked it down there.

I saw the crowd as I ran up to the room and saw one of our interns pumping at the patient's chest while others we setting up a femoral line and doing the other necessary things to bring the patient back. The second I entered the room... I smelled it. It was like the first time only this time i knew what it was. I took over compressions putting my entire body weight on the man's chest. I felt one of his ribs break, I noticed my bangs getting into my eyes, and watched as his oversized obese belly flowed with every thrust I put into him.

I barely heard as the nurses shouted what drug was being administered next and watched as one of the residents attempted to insert a chest tube only to be greeted with a large stream of blood the second he entered the thoracic cavity. I can still see his eyes get wide as he stuck his entire finger into the hole to plug the faucet like rush of blood while he muttered "something's not right." I remember staring at the patients face... and remembering how blue he looked, "just like the first one" I thought, as someone started pulling me away from the body "switch out and take a break! You're panting." And someone else took over, as I wiped my forehead and realized I was covered in blood.

We kept doing compressions for the next 45 minutes, I administered epi, atropine, bicarb and etc during the breaks from compressions in an attempt to get his heart back on track. I watched as the attending removed clots of blood by the handful as he tried to clear the cavity for his lungs. He died at 11:37AM, due to a pulmonary artery rupture. He had no chance. The blood we gave him to bring him back was going in and being pushed right into his chest, they could feel the cold blood being put in come right back out... and all I could remember was the smell.

I smelled it on me all day. I washed my hands at least 30 times, afterwards before eating, during eating, etc etc. I could barely finish my lunch because I smelled it on me... it was... there. Ugh it was awful.

I hate it.

Medicine is only fun when you save lives...

Today was a good day

I woke up at 5, scrubbed into 4 cases, helped with the breast clinic, went to class, afternoon rounding was pushed back to around 7 by a trauma that luckily ended well, and I found myself heading home, exhausted, and dreading the fact that I still had to run at 8pm.

So I dressed for the run (this means I have to go... no really), and made my way into my tiny nyc kitchen to make myself some instant coffee (it's not cheating!) to help energize me for my run. I go out on my crappy nyc balcony, sit on my crappy dilapidated/rusted nyc porch chairs... and realized the city was in complete view for once. (the view is the only thing I love about my place)

The weather had cooled down a little, and the normal haze that overlies the city had somehow been lifted. The sun was setting and the lights of the city were beginning to come out. The boats silently were making their way back into harbor, and it was...

The word perfect is reserved for situations like this.

A feeling of peace came over me.

Perfect weather, perfect view, not perfect instant coffee, and the realization that at that very moment, I was happy.

I gave myself that moment... I think it's called relaxing... it was amazing.

I think I only sat out there for 5 minutes... then I went for a run and huffed and puffed back home, showered, made plans for the weekend, and blogged.

Sometimes my spiritual self takes moments like this to thank god for giving her everything she has, and all the experiences she's lived through. Then my anti-religion side freaks out and wonders if she sounded like she was preaching.

Stupid shin splints

I felt like I haven't written in awhile, and I would like to keep this blog updated... so I guess rambling is in order.

I've started running. This was in an effort to get in shape and shed some extra pounds. It felt good in the beginning, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Wanna know how much weight I've lost in 3 weeks? Nada... so along with running and changing my diet I am still at exactly the same weight I was when I was eating whatever I wanted and not huffing and puffing down the street every day. Brilliant. I'm trying to keep at it, but unfortunately I think I'm getting shin splints and with NYC's amazing sidewalks, I twisted my ankle on some uneven (read construction hell) pavement... boo.

I attempted to reach out to Navy before the holiday weekend began. I felt like 2 months was long enough and if I wanted to pursue a friendship sometime in the near future reaching a hand in that direction was in order. So I called him and yeah - definitely didn't work out. I'm thinking he's still not happy with me, or that i've overestimated him and he's just extremely immature. The latter is probably the most fitting, but I don't like thinking about it. It's sad. Operation keep navy as friend is being abandoned. Unfortunate... I really mean that, I miss him around.

I've decided on a field to pursue in my medical studies... I think (lets hope I don't change my mind again). It's very competitive but I think I can do it. I'm focusing all my studies around it, and if I make it - I'll be one very happy doctor. Cross your fingers everyone.

I've made friends with 2 of the girls living in my "house" with me.
One is a very stupid young girl who has a very cute body and not so cute face. She reminds me a lot of me in the way she rationalizes everything and how she views herself in the world. Mostly she reminds me of me in dealing with the boys (and I mean BOYS) in her life. I tried to give her a talking to - the kind where you're overly harsh and tell them to get over themselves - but I don't think it worked. It's amazing how much 3 years can make a difference in the way you see the world. She's fresh out of college and I look at her like a child. Is that odd? Am I growing up? God I hope not.
The other is trying to get into fashion and very into christianity. She kinda reminds me of sara on the real world - judgemental and stubborn, but means well. She's an awesome running buddy though, so that's a bonus :). She also has a very unique sense of style, which i love - meh, we'll see, I'm trying to get out of this "house" by the end of the month.

Perfect on paper is still around, and always decides to drop a line right when I stop caring if he'll contact me or not. He's confusing, but an option I'm going to keep open. If it's meant to be... it'll be, my life is too high paced right now to deal with him and the uncertainty of either of our lives pre-match.

Other than that, I don't know - there are some updates. I'm not miserable, so the overanalytical part of me is resting a bit. But don't worry - she'll be back soon, I can feel it.