The blog dies when controversy dies. It seems to come alive when I know someone's reading.
Hi Freddie, thank for coming by ;).
Rex called. He called, and we spoke, and we decided to break up. Something that left me feeling sad but relieved. We said we would continue to be in each others lives, and at some point in the next month we would meet up to exchange each others things left at our houses. We were honest. He told me he didn't know why he was acting the way he was, that he still thought I was perfect, I told him I thought he was still broken from his last relationship and he needed to deal with his thoughts on that before he could make a new one.
Things were good, he poked me a week later with a picture of his finished garage, to which I replied with my view from my hospital hidaway with coffee in hand. I called him a week later to set up a time to meet up -- no answer, left a message.
Two weeks later he hadn't called back, so I sent him a brief text "*insert my address here*, let me know when you send my things, hope all is well!"
No response text, and two weeks later I get a package. My things, no note, no nothing.
Rex is officially gone, without even so much as a goodbye.
It was the first time I cried since the break up.
I still have his things. I haven't mailed them to him yet... I can't bring myself to do it. Not only does he have a couple of LARGE object that are financially annoying to mail, but I can't bring myself to heartlessly put objects into a package and to mail them without a final word.
I've been staring at the box of his things for the past week willing myself to the post office. "Maybe I should just drive them over and drop them on his doorstep without him seeing me" I try to convince myself, "then he'll never have the chance to call about the things I never mailed." Other times I just want to send the box with the things easier to mail. Sometimes I'm ready to send a cold box with no note, other times I tell myself to be a bigger person and but a nice little poke in there, and other times, I want to tell him I miss him and write a quirky "you never returned my call." note.
So I sit there, and stare at the box, not knowing what to do. Not wanting to do the wrong thing. And not wanting to put myself out there, because I always told myself when a boy makes you cry - you move on.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
To be or not to be...
I'm undecided about how I will proceed with Rex... I wonder if it's because of all the excess baggage I carry.
I objectively don't think Rex and I will have a healthy relationship following whatever it was that occurred two weeks ago. I don't trust him, or have faith in his stability.
But at the same time I miss him.
To be honest I don't know if it's him I miss, or just someone. I want someone to spend my time with and plan a future with... I want someone to prove me wrong. To show me that I CAN trust them and have a happily ever after.
He'll be calling sometime this week... I'm dreading the day.
I'll keep you posted.
I objectively don't think Rex and I will have a healthy relationship following whatever it was that occurred two weeks ago. I don't trust him, or have faith in his stability.
But at the same time I miss him.
To be honest I don't know if it's him I miss, or just someone. I want someone to spend my time with and plan a future with... I want someone to prove me wrong. To show me that I CAN trust them and have a happily ever after.
He'll be calling sometime this week... I'm dreading the day.
I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wound care
I've postponed continuing my blog because I've felt like I needed to explain rex and his importance to me at this point. But writing it all out was too hard, and describing him while we were good seems pointless now.
Know he came, he conquered, and right now we're on a "break."
Something I realize is permanent, I just haven't conveyed that to him yet, and I'm still trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do. The objective thing to do. The mature thing to do.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
I'm doing a lot of self assessment right now. I don't trust men. Period. Yet at the same time I want to marry my best friend. I WANT to trust them. I want one to prove me wrong. One to sweep me off my feet and mean it. That's probably why I'm so hurt and disappointed in the ending of Rex.
He did, in fact, sweep me off my feet, he made me believe him. I was definitely cautious, I was skeptical that his thoughts for our future together weren't firmly planted. I was very resistant at first... something he noticed and called me on often. "You still have your walls up, don't judge me based on the others." So I threw caution to the wind and let myself fall. Did I think I was falling in love with him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No, we thankfully took our "break" before I could let myself completely ruin myself by letting myself love another disaster.
Why the break? I don't know. He went after me guns a'blazin', wouldn't take no for an answer, would drive over an hour at 6am when I was post call leaving the hospital at 7 - to make me breakfast and cuddle up to me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. He would blow up my phone, texting me all day with cute little smiley face pictures showing me he was thinking of me - making each of them original, and creative. And every day I'd smile and think that I was being too cautious, maybe he meant it, maybe this would work.
He spoke of our life together, how he would move to be near me, how perfect I was, how he'd been looking for someone like me for so long, how he couldn't believe we were together, how he'd been so happy telling everyone I was his girlfriend.
Then one day it changed. Life for him got busy, he became stressed with his job, his finances, his constantly renovated home (current project being the garage) and my text happy, smile sending boyfriend was gone. We didn't talk (we were long distance, so it's pretty much all we had) "I hate the phone, you know that." I showed my unhappiness, "what's the point of having a long distance girlfriend, rex, if you don't know what's going on in her life?"
Until finally, the three day weekend I'd been looking forward to spending with him (my first and only in 3 months) was canceled.
Why?
"I don't know how I feel about us."
Which left me speechless, heartbroken, and I heard myself saying "I don't think I should come down this weekend."
His response? "Maybe that would be for the best."
stab me.
So we talked, and he kept re-stating how he didn't know what was wrong with him *insert bullshit here*, to which I listened quietly, thinking this was our break up. Heart broken.
I told him how hurtful his actions were, how I was so angry that I believed him - which he counters stating he doesn't know how he feels, and that he meant everything he said, *more bullshit inserted here*.
I joked about thankfully avoiding meeting his parents, and how it was a good thing we didn't buy our "couples" halloween costumes - to which he horrifically asked what I was talking about. "I don't want to break up, I'm just stressed, I need to get my head straight, can I have, I don't know, two week?, just to see where I stand?, I don't know what's wrong with me"
He doesn't get it, he thinks I'm still his girlfriend, and for the last week I've been thinking about facing him on our "talk date" telling him I'm not ready for this. I'm too old for this. I think he's a waste of time and too fickle for me to deal with this late in the game.
I'm just so upset I believed him, and that I not only have to face him again in the near future - but hear his "verdict" on how he feels about us. I don't know what'll be worse, him wanting to work it out, or him deciding we weren't meant to me.
Hearing either will break my heart.
I'm sick of my heart breaking.
I don't think it can take anymore.
Know he came, he conquered, and right now we're on a "break."
Something I realize is permanent, I just haven't conveyed that to him yet, and I'm still trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do. The objective thing to do. The mature thing to do.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
I'm doing a lot of self assessment right now. I don't trust men. Period. Yet at the same time I want to marry my best friend. I WANT to trust them. I want one to prove me wrong. One to sweep me off my feet and mean it. That's probably why I'm so hurt and disappointed in the ending of Rex.
He did, in fact, sweep me off my feet, he made me believe him. I was definitely cautious, I was skeptical that his thoughts for our future together weren't firmly planted. I was very resistant at first... something he noticed and called me on often. "You still have your walls up, don't judge me based on the others." So I threw caution to the wind and let myself fall. Did I think I was falling in love with him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No, we thankfully took our "break" before I could let myself completely ruin myself by letting myself love another disaster.
Why the break? I don't know. He went after me guns a'blazin', wouldn't take no for an answer, would drive over an hour at 6am when I was post call leaving the hospital at 7 - to make me breakfast and cuddle up to me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. He would blow up my phone, texting me all day with cute little smiley face pictures showing me he was thinking of me - making each of them original, and creative. And every day I'd smile and think that I was being too cautious, maybe he meant it, maybe this would work.
He spoke of our life together, how he would move to be near me, how perfect I was, how he'd been looking for someone like me for so long, how he couldn't believe we were together, how he'd been so happy telling everyone I was his girlfriend.
Then one day it changed. Life for him got busy, he became stressed with his job, his finances, his constantly renovated home (current project being the garage) and my text happy, smile sending boyfriend was gone. We didn't talk (we were long distance, so it's pretty much all we had) "I hate the phone, you know that." I showed my unhappiness, "what's the point of having a long distance girlfriend, rex, if you don't know what's going on in her life?"
Until finally, the three day weekend I'd been looking forward to spending with him (my first and only in 3 months) was canceled.
Why?
"I don't know how I feel about us."
Which left me speechless, heartbroken, and I heard myself saying "I don't think I should come down this weekend."
His response? "Maybe that would be for the best."
stab me.
So we talked, and he kept re-stating how he didn't know what was wrong with him *insert bullshit here*, to which I listened quietly, thinking this was our break up. Heart broken.
I told him how hurtful his actions were, how I was so angry that I believed him - which he counters stating he doesn't know how he feels, and that he meant everything he said, *more bullshit inserted here*.
I joked about thankfully avoiding meeting his parents, and how it was a good thing we didn't buy our "couples" halloween costumes - to which he horrifically asked what I was talking about. "I don't want to break up, I'm just stressed, I need to get my head straight, can I have, I don't know, two week?, just to see where I stand?, I don't know what's wrong with me"
He doesn't get it, he thinks I'm still his girlfriend, and for the last week I've been thinking about facing him on our "talk date" telling him I'm not ready for this. I'm too old for this. I think he's a waste of time and too fickle for me to deal with this late in the game.
I'm just so upset I believed him, and that I not only have to face him again in the near future - but hear his "verdict" on how he feels about us. I don't know what'll be worse, him wanting to work it out, or him deciding we weren't meant to me.
Hearing either will break my heart.
I'm sick of my heart breaking.
I don't think it can take anymore.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I'm back
It's been awhile... I know. Time has been short of late. Updates to the blog are needed.
In short, I am now a doctor. A full fledged, order writing, long coat wearing, medical doctor who now has her OWN medical students following her around.
It's weird.
One day you're an MS4 with enough slack to get away with knowing only something, the next you're an MD and expected to know everything.
My first order was 2 PRBC STAT written at 6:15am, because my first patient ever was bleeding out of her ass (literally, bright red blood coming out of rectum).
Holy. Shit.
ANYWAY, I guess I'm back for the same reasons I resorted to blogging in this anonymous forum to begin with... I have no one to talk to. I'm expected to be happy and content, without letting anything get to me. No one wants to hear my shit (at least I don't think so), and, as of yesterday (i'll update why) I'm sad... and I can't really explain why, to anyone.
This blog may or may not be medically related - it's always seemed to be relationship driven. My vocabulary has drifted to the medical side in life, words like "perforated" are normally used in conversation... annoying, I know, I can't help it, I apologize in advance.
Relationship wise, I haven't spoken to navy in over a year - we were friends for awhile and then he annoyed me and that was it. Perfect is still around, and no longer seen as perfect - however he's now considered a "back-up" vs. a goal... if that makes any sense. I need to explain Rex to the blog - he's the most recent new one (and the main reason I need to vent on my blog again). I can't think of anything else. I highly doubt anyone who read this before will read this now, but if anyone can think of anything - feel free to comment questions.
-me
In short, I am now a doctor. A full fledged, order writing, long coat wearing, medical doctor who now has her OWN medical students following her around.
It's weird.
One day you're an MS4 with enough slack to get away with knowing only something, the next you're an MD and expected to know everything.
My first order was 2 PRBC STAT written at 6:15am, because my first patient ever was bleeding out of her ass (literally, bright red blood coming out of rectum).
Holy. Shit.
ANYWAY, I guess I'm back for the same reasons I resorted to blogging in this anonymous forum to begin with... I have no one to talk to. I'm expected to be happy and content, without letting anything get to me. No one wants to hear my shit (at least I don't think so), and, as of yesterday (i'll update why) I'm sad... and I can't really explain why, to anyone.
This blog may or may not be medically related - it's always seemed to be relationship driven. My vocabulary has drifted to the medical side in life, words like "perforated" are normally used in conversation... annoying, I know, I can't help it, I apologize in advance.
Relationship wise, I haven't spoken to navy in over a year - we were friends for awhile and then he annoyed me and that was it. Perfect is still around, and no longer seen as perfect - however he's now considered a "back-up" vs. a goal... if that makes any sense. I need to explain Rex to the blog - he's the most recent new one (and the main reason I need to vent on my blog again). I can't think of anything else. I highly doubt anyone who read this before will read this now, but if anyone can think of anything - feel free to comment questions.
-me
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