Fair warning

When walking through the west village on gay pride parade day - do not make eye contact with other females if you are straight. Heaven forbid you smile or give way in the mob - some girl might think you're hitting on her girlfriend and get offended.

HOWEVER! I did meet an amazing man named Lou who shared his umbrella with me during the major thunderstorm I go caught in right by the train station. He watched the parade with me and give me cute little tidbits to think about as the floats came by. He was probably the savior to my weekend, it's a shame he's gay ladies (also a shame that he's about 60) his gentlemaness (word?) was a breath of fresh air in this city. I heart Lou.

I do not, however, heart large breasted women walking down the street with their boobs hanging out... ew.

The end

No more dead log.

I went out this weekend, and I forgot who I was. I put myself in situations I learned a long time ago never to put myself in... and it's like I forgot. I forgot who I was. I forgot how strong I was, and I made exceptions because I thought maybe I was feeling uncomfortable being single.

I've slept next to 3 guys in the past 4 days. Not in a sexual way, but "cuddled" non the less. They all made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to... but I thought that I only felt that way because the only man I'd slept next to for the past year and a half was navy... and before him there was no one (basic sciences makes it difficult to date).

I was kinda pushed into the situation because I was in the city, out, drunk, and crashed at a friend of a friend's place. Therefore his friend (whoever it was that night) thought they should do the obligatory move, and while the friend of a friend was hitting on my friend, the friend would make passes at me. Ugh. I'm so annoyed thinking about the situation(s) I put myself in.

Friday night, FOF (friend of a friend) is allowing my friend to spend the weekend with him while she's in town. We initially thought he wouldn't be there, which meant I brought my sleepover stuff to his apt (he was supposed to let us be using it while in the city) so she and I could do whatever we wanted. He's in love with her (she has a boyfriend) and skips his business deal in london to stay at home and try to be with her.

This means he wants to make all the plans (did I mention I really don't like him? He's 26, has new money, and absolutely no taste... not to mention arrogant) and doesn't understand that my friend and I are poor (hi, in medical school, 200k loan so far buddy, thanks). So he's taking us to all these popular expensive places in the city we can't afford, and LUCKY ME! he's inviting another male friend to keep me company it seems. So instead of hanging out with my friend friday night, I have to fight off this other equally obnoxious quality guy (also made a couple million this year, and expected me to be impressed while he told me about it... gag me) and be civil because all my shit is at FOF's house. Regardless the end of the night ends up with me cornered into sleeping in the same bed that the dude invited out for me... and although sleeping next to him wasn't bad - having him inhaling my hair, waking me up to ask me what shampoo I use ("it smells so good" *snarf*), and also waking me up by kissing me (ew gross loser, I'm sleeping! Not to mention even if you did have a chance, you probably should have initially tried to kiss me while I was awake) didn't fly by so well.

I scooted as far away from his as I could cursing myself every time he scooted near me, and played dead log all night hoping he'd give up trying to hook up with me

IDIOT! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION! WHAT IF HE WAS PSYCHO AND FORCED HIMSELF ON ME!

did I learn? No.

The next night I stayed thinking we were going to a house party where I would know people, but FOF had different ideas... again after pregamming at his house (i'm nice and toasty at this point) a random guy drops by and our plans have changed. I was more prepared this time and invited some friends to meet us up at the bar we ended up at, but FOF was equally slick and moved us around enough to where I couldn't keep up people around me to show up. UGH. I can't believe I was in this situation again.

This time though, when FOF's (new) friend tried to move in for a kiss (this one was more aggressive) I bit him.

You heard me.

Then I laughed at him and ran off.

He thought I was flirting...

I guess I kinda let him. I think I didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable... I don't know, I was drunk. ugh.

Anyhoo, I continued to play nice after that (I did bite him pretty hard) and thought he got the point when I told him I don't kiss strangers (I just bite). We continued our fun drunkeness... him not trying to kiss me again while I was awake, but then again - I ended up having to sleep in the same bed as FOF's random friend.

So I tried passing out again like a dead log (I am such an idiot) while this fool is rubbing my back, and passing his hands over my boobs. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! Why did I just lay there? And then I passed out, uncomfortable, with him kissing at my neck, cringing.


Have you noticed I haven't mentioned kissing any of these guys while awake - nor have I mentioned letting them get close enough to do anything else with the exception of the biting?

ugh.

And last night, a guy I've known for a long time came over... he randomly came into town to see a girl he's "dating" - I don't know what they are. He called me and asked if he could crash - I tell him of course... he shows up, and when the light goes off he starts rubbing my back. Now I'm very comfortable with him, and know he's touchy feely, but i dunno - the backrub turned into a full body rub... and i dunno - it was weird. Much weirder when I wake up to him kissing my back while I was sleeping, and again another man passed his hands over my boobs... and again I laid there as if I didn't know it happened cringing the whole time.

This is how girls get raped.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I had something like this happen to me back in college...

a guy who was friend's with the dude my roommate was hooking up with at the time came into my room while I was sleeping. I didn't lock my doors back then... and I slept naked. He climbed into bed with me and tried to hook up with me... I never asked him to leave, and when he started touching me I only fought him off for a little before I turned into the dead log. I let him touch me and forcibly fought him off me while he tried to sleep with me. Luckily he didn't... and I didn't tell anyone till a week later I while ignoring my roommate and having her confront me, I blew up crying and told her. The more I let myself think about it the angrier I got.

I don't know why I turn into the log... but I taught myself then that things like that aren't ok. If a guy is making you uncomfortable, it's ok for you to make him uncomfortable. No one should ever make me feel the way I feel when things like this happen... and I have no one to blame but myself.

I should have said something.

I should have taken myself out of that situation.

I should never have been in that situation.

And it definitely wasn't because these guys weren't navy, it was because these guys were creeps (yes, even unfortunately my friend... I don't know what to say to him, ugh) and I was a coward.

I am an idiot.

Monsoon!

I decided to go running. I sucked it up, made a play-list, mapped out a measly 1 mile route (what? I need to start slow) and stuck a hill (aka: the stair master on crack) right at the 200-300 meter mark and went on my merry little way.

I did well for the first half of the run, but right when my initial energy was fading and the end was too far away to be an ideal goal to push for - something happened. Something that felt like 80 mile per hour winds and the sky opening up and dumping water on me (ok maybe it wasn't that bad, but it felt like it).

So there I am in my skimpy shorts and tank up, gasping for air while taking baby steps, and a bucket of cold water is dumped on me from heaven itself with a mixture of scary wind and an immediate sun to no sun turnaround of about... mmm... 30 seconds? GAH.

Around this point I hit the hill... fucking hill.

So I try to make it up this DAMN hill, and I can't, people are running around around me trying to get shelter and I'm so miserably tired/oxygen deprived from pushing myself the previous half mile (woe is me!) that I can barely walk let alone climb this thing.

I hate my life.

I make it up the hill, run (think baby steps again while gasping for air) back to my tiny apt, quickly make my way inside, catch my breath (yes I almost puked thank you), look at the window and what do i see?

The sun.

The fucking sun.

Thank you freak storm for making my life miserable for that 10 minutes.

ugh.

Running

I love when I get into the running groove... i love the way my body feels tight the next day, how i'm more aware of my posture, how I feel like I'm getting in shape.

However, I hate getting INTO that groove. Hate it. I hate trying to get out there to run. I hate how miserable I feel I look when gasping for air the first couple of weeks, and I hate how much I suck at keeping my pace. If anything I think it's more of an anxiety dealing with how people will perceive me attempting to run vs. getting into the actual groove.

Therefore I put off getting back into my running groove, even though I REALLY want to.

I've said I haven't gone in awhile because I haven't set up my itunes... today I meant to... but I fell asleep :/

I'll keep you all updated... hate it.

Instant happiness for $1

Whew, I can't even read through that old post it sounds so angry. The conclusion we (and I mean my best friend and I) have come up with is that I've never spit all of that out in one sitting. I've mentioned almost everything in there before, and I've lead up to that post, but when it finally came out it was angry... Maybe angry at navy for never letting me tell him how I felt? I dunno. I am a complex individual and the first to mention that I have no idea why I act/do/think/feel anything.

meh

anyhoo... I'm sitting here, sprawled out in bed, still in my work scrubs, with a million things I told myself I would do when I got home... and all I can do is groan at myself when I finally try to will myself to move.

The only thing that might get me out of bed is 1. the ice cream man (i heart popsicles) or 2. one of two $1 candy bars I bought from a nurse at work for her child's marching band.

Hersheys and reese's are awaiting me... mmmmmmmmmmm
:)

Happy birthday navy

I've restrained myself from contacting you, or letting you see any aspect of my life... and I hope you're doing well. I honestly mean that. Though I don't know how mutual our break up was, I'd like to think that you walked away from it thinking it was your idea... that was always the plan.

I should have broken up with you after chicago. After you lied to me about S and how much time you were spending with her. I should've broken up with you when you made such a big deal about going to the navy ball, and then after I finally agreed decided we shouldn't go. I should have broken up with you when you weren't supportive during my exams. I should have broken up with you after that big fight we had on new years where you left me at the metro station drunk and freezing - even though you said you were just hailing a cab. I should have broken up with you when you left me at the bars because you thought I was flirting with your friend, and left me to sleep on his couch the night I made my first attempt at breaking it off - the same night you looked at me with those red eyes, begging me not to go in the tighted bear hug of all time. I should've done it long before, but I unfortunately made the mistake of loving you, and wanting you to be ok with the break before it happened.

I never saw us together, you're uneducated, unmotivated, and only focus on appearances. You have no money management skills, nor any conception of the future and your role in it. The only reason we were together initially was because I was lonely, and the only reason I committed was because you worked SO HARD for me that I thought in some weird way you saw something in me I didn't. But the second I became comfortable, brought down all my walls, and let you in - I'd left for chicago and you became... bored? Whatever it was you lost whatever drive you had to keep me... and the examples cited above ensued. Instead of attempting to fix us you closed off, and whatever was missing inside you, you put on me, and blamed me for your unhappiness. You stopped working for us, you gave up - and unfortunately it seems to be a character trait I expected from you.

You're unconfrontational, your morals are questionable (concerning the B/B situation) and in some ways I look at you like a coward. You lie when confronted by a situation you don't want to be in, you look the other way when you should stand strong, and you're not someone who can ever make it in the world you dream of living in because the character you play isn't really who you are. Your advice was ALWAYS wrong with the exception of what car to buy or sports stats... both fields I find extremely boring.

These are all the flaws I saw in you when I made that list. The one I gave you with the pros and cons of us during my first attempt. I didn't list all of the ones I've listed... but I put a few that I thought you could maybe work on. You never did. Your pros took longer to think of... the only things I could think of were 1. I love him, 2. thinks I'm beautiful, 3. Loves me. And 3 was put only because I felt the list was too short...

I really did love you, and I really do want the best for you. But I look at you knowing that you're a train wreck in the making. You need to cut back on your drinking, take your schooling (the one I forced you into) more seriously, think about what you're going to do for the rest of your life and make some long term decisions. You need to pay off your debt, stop hanging out with the trash you call friends, and know your potential. For once in your life do something worthwhile. If anything I think completing your packet to be an officer is perfect... I don't see you making anything out of yourself at this point in your life. You're hopeless. You depend on others to make decisions for you, and if you make any decisions for yourself they're normally hopelessly positively marked for failure... which is unfortunate, because you deserve better.

You have a good heart, a little selfish at times, but if you're passionate about something - I'm sure you could make a difference. You mean well, you just need... something, you're missing something. I don't know what it is. Maybe you just haven't grown up, maybe you care too much about what others think about you, maybe - maybe you're just not THERE yet - but you could be. I've always told you that. You could be something great... you just need to realize it.

So why am I writing this in my blog and not sending it to you? Why am I venting like some girl with a grudge when I'd been planning our break up for at least 8 months before it actually happen? Why did I wait the 8 months and not just break it off? Maybe because I had/have hope. It use to be hope for us, and now it's just hope for you.

You don't need to hear this from me. I'm the ex girlfriend. Someone who is expected to see all your faults and whose opinion may be brushed off as a rant if approached in the wrong manner. So I've never told you and will see if sometime in the future, sometime when we might actually be friends again, when our relationship is behind us and words like this wont be considered games - I'll see if I can help you. I'll tell you what I saw now and what I'll be seeing then. I'll be there because I love you. I really do - I may not be in love with you, and I might not have been for awhile... but know that I do want the best for you. These words aren't meant to be hurtful... and they're not being spat out due to any anger or resentment towards you... they're meant to be truthful and have come from months of realizing why you and I would never end up together.

I was miserable with you, because I only cared about fixing you - somehow I forgot about myself.

So happy birthday navy
May this coming year be better than your last...

Unremarkable

My week has been unremarkable. My car is still missing, and I think I'll be using my insurance money from it to pay for this semester of school.

My friend came to visit and we went out last night with friends of hers in the area. They're in the business field, and doing quite well for themselves. I met a guy I might have been interested in except that he's short (as in my height when I wear heels) and jewish (they tend to only want their fellow jews to settle down with). He was however very successful, good looking, and not skeezy. I actually had a very good time last night :) so I'm happy. *side note* we saw marissa tomei out afterwards and for being in her 40's she looks younger than I do. I need to be doing whatever she's doing - incredible.

I've realized my sleepiness has been the fact that I lack a set schedule. Being on call sucks, waking up early sucks, and attempting to study throughout the whole process sucks. I only have 2 more months of this and I should be fine :) - yay more sleep. I'm trying to figure out my following cores so that I can stay here longer, but things aren't looking too good. If it all works out I'm already plotting my escape from my crappy apt and looking forward to a nicer area haha, we'll see.

anyhoo - i'm boring when my life doesn't have emotional conflict... will update more when I start feeling cookey

:( bye bye car

My car was stolen friday night. Miserable.

Where I come from when a car goes missing from a lot, you assume it's been towed. Not my luck in this case. I come back to my car (only parked for 3 hours) to find it missing, and being told be a very nonchalant cop that "it's probably stolen" - said with a shrug and a roll of his eyes.

I start crying, he looks like me with that "deer in the headlights" look and mutters something about trying to figure things out. He then asks the parking attendant if it was towed... big help thanks. I then filed a report and was sent away with a "we'll call you if it turns up."

I think I only teared up for a good minute or 2 before I went numb, and I've been numb ever since. My lack of caring seems to be concerning me more than my missing car. Why am I not upset over this? Why am I not worried? Is there something wrong with me? I never thought I was desensitized to anything... I've always been a crybaby (at least in my eyes) and now nothing. No more thoughts of the car, no worrying the cops will call, no nothing.

Is that a sign of something deeper? Maybe I'm turning off my emotions to help me deal with navy. I've noticed myself changing songs on the radio when they give me that little ping in my heart - refusing to let myself think of what could have been. I've seen myself change TV channels when something romatic comes on, not wanting to see anything that will make me think romance of that nature is real... but I never thought I was numbing myself. The only emotion I've let myself really feel lately is anger (some stupid medicinist at the hospital showed a little attitude, I let it get to me a little too much).

I also slept in today till 1pm - god I hope i'm not depressed.
Miserable.

Connections

Do you think people have connections? Like when something happens to someone, someone else can feel or sense it?

I totally believe it. My family creeps people out. My mother has the uncanny ability to always call and check in on me (while staying at home) when I'm seconds from turning into our driveway. Friends pick up their cell phones to call me and find me already on the other line calling them without their cell phones ringing.

The other night my car got stolen, and I get a call from 5 (5!) friends the next day who all claimed to have a dream about me the night before and thought they should check in.

So is it odd that some nights I have dreams about navy... and feel like I know when he's with someone else, or thinking of me? The former has happened twice, both on saturday nights, the latter is more of a feeling of calm that comes over me...

Now I know it sounds crazy, but blogging is a way to let out all your crazy beliefs without fear of judgement or criticism... even re-reading this I think it's crazy, but whatev... I'm allowed to be crazy sometimes.

Now I should probably blog about the stolen car...