I have met the first man in my life that after being around him for a day all I could think about doing was sticking my tongue down his throat.
*blank stare*
I'm serious.
*blink*
ok ok, let me back up. He was part of the new group of surgical students coming through the hospital. When I first met him I didn't think he was very attractive, but a couple days in he started to hang around me a little more and... he drips sex. DRIPS. I think it started when I saw his arms when he took off his lab coat for a surgery... which immediately had me staring at his hands (not too hot) and had me staring at his arms again. That day he got my number, and plans were made to hang out that weekend. He didn't disappoint in regular clothes, and has maybe the most amazing body I've seen in a very. very. VERY long time.
The problem with men who drip sex is that they know it. Since then I've realized that he has girls EVERYWHERE. I'm pretty sure he has 2 girlfriends, and that thought alone had me back up a little and just happy with staring at him. We've had a nice flirtation going on at the hospital (which doesn't make me feel too guilty because he has 2 girlfriends) and saves me from actually contemplating tackling him and... sticking my tongue down his throat.
I just need to express that I've never thought someone like this existed. When I'm not around him I couldn't care less if I talk about him. But when he's around... I am so incredibly attracted to him it's ridiculous. I guess there are different categories. Handsome (which he's not), Hot (those are reserved for the ones you see and immediately want from down the street), Attractive (the ones that grow on you, I guess he could be that too), cute (like puppies!), and sexy.
It's scary being so attracted to someone. I know it's dangerous and have backed off... but still.
He.
Drips.
Sex.
Good thing my surgical rotation is over and I'm moving ;).
Friday, August 1, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The smell of death is sour.
I remember the first person I saw die.
I'm unsure of whether or not he was already dead before I got there. His pulses weren't palpable by that point and the only thing perfusing his organs was dr's and nurses pumping at his chest while yelling out orders for epinephrine, atropine and the rest of the ACLS protocol trying to restart his heart. All I remember is hearing the code, rushing to the room amidst all the other medical staff, seeing his roommate being wheeled out of the room, him laying on the ground in a pool of blood and the smell.
Death smells sour. It smells sour, putrid and vile. It's a smell that you'll never forget once you've been acquainted with it (kinda like C. diff... peeeuu!).
A code (and a trama) is like nothing you've ever seen. There are a gajillion nurses, techs, dr's and students running around trying to get all the things necessary to save someone's life. People are shouting, drugs are being passed around, IV lines are being secured, airways are being evaluated, etc etc. Every person has a role, and whoever doesn't crowds around the doorway ready to step in the second their needed.
Yesterday there was another code in the SICU. The first of our patients in 3 months to full on code, during transport no less. He stopped being responsive in the elevator from the telemetry unit en route to the SICU and the rush began. I heard the code while trying to get blood for some routine labs and booked it down there.
I saw the crowd as I ran up to the room and saw one of our interns pumping at the patient's chest while others we setting up a femoral line and doing the other necessary things to bring the patient back. The second I entered the room... I smelled it. It was like the first time only this time i knew what it was. I took over compressions putting my entire body weight on the man's chest. I felt one of his ribs break, I noticed my bangs getting into my eyes, and watched as his oversized obese belly flowed with every thrust I put into him.
I barely heard as the nurses shouted what drug was being administered next and watched as one of the residents attempted to insert a chest tube only to be greeted with a large stream of blood the second he entered the thoracic cavity. I can still see his eyes get wide as he stuck his entire finger into the hole to plug the faucet like rush of blood while he muttered "something's not right." I remember staring at the patients face... and remembering how blue he looked, "just like the first one" I thought, as someone started pulling me away from the body "switch out and take a break! You're panting." And someone else took over, as I wiped my forehead and realized I was covered in blood.
We kept doing compressions for the next 45 minutes, I administered epi, atropine, bicarb and etc during the breaks from compressions in an attempt to get his heart back on track. I watched as the attending removed clots of blood by the handful as he tried to clear the cavity for his lungs. He died at 11:37AM, due to a pulmonary artery rupture. He had no chance. The blood we gave him to bring him back was going in and being pushed right into his chest, they could feel the cold blood being put in come right back out... and all I could remember was the smell.
I smelled it on me all day. I washed my hands at least 30 times, afterwards before eating, during eating, etc etc. I could barely finish my lunch because I smelled it on me... it was... there. Ugh it was awful.
I hate it.
Medicine is only fun when you save lives...
I'm unsure of whether or not he was already dead before I got there. His pulses weren't palpable by that point and the only thing perfusing his organs was dr's and nurses pumping at his chest while yelling out orders for epinephrine, atropine and the rest of the ACLS protocol trying to restart his heart. All I remember is hearing the code, rushing to the room amidst all the other medical staff, seeing his roommate being wheeled out of the room, him laying on the ground in a pool of blood and the smell.
Death smells sour. It smells sour, putrid and vile. It's a smell that you'll never forget once you've been acquainted with it (kinda like C. diff... peeeuu!).
A code (and a trama) is like nothing you've ever seen. There are a gajillion nurses, techs, dr's and students running around trying to get all the things necessary to save someone's life. People are shouting, drugs are being passed around, IV lines are being secured, airways are being evaluated, etc etc. Every person has a role, and whoever doesn't crowds around the doorway ready to step in the second their needed.
Yesterday there was another code in the SICU. The first of our patients in 3 months to full on code, during transport no less. He stopped being responsive in the elevator from the telemetry unit en route to the SICU and the rush began. I heard the code while trying to get blood for some routine labs and booked it down there.
I saw the crowd as I ran up to the room and saw one of our interns pumping at the patient's chest while others we setting up a femoral line and doing the other necessary things to bring the patient back. The second I entered the room... I smelled it. It was like the first time only this time i knew what it was. I took over compressions putting my entire body weight on the man's chest. I felt one of his ribs break, I noticed my bangs getting into my eyes, and watched as his oversized obese belly flowed with every thrust I put into him.
I barely heard as the nurses shouted what drug was being administered next and watched as one of the residents attempted to insert a chest tube only to be greeted with a large stream of blood the second he entered the thoracic cavity. I can still see his eyes get wide as he stuck his entire finger into the hole to plug the faucet like rush of blood while he muttered "something's not right." I remember staring at the patients face... and remembering how blue he looked, "just like the first one" I thought, as someone started pulling me away from the body "switch out and take a break! You're panting." And someone else took over, as I wiped my forehead and realized I was covered in blood.
We kept doing compressions for the next 45 minutes, I administered epi, atropine, bicarb and etc during the breaks from compressions in an attempt to get his heart back on track. I watched as the attending removed clots of blood by the handful as he tried to clear the cavity for his lungs. He died at 11:37AM, due to a pulmonary artery rupture. He had no chance. The blood we gave him to bring him back was going in and being pushed right into his chest, they could feel the cold blood being put in come right back out... and all I could remember was the smell.
I smelled it on me all day. I washed my hands at least 30 times, afterwards before eating, during eating, etc etc. I could barely finish my lunch because I smelled it on me... it was... there. Ugh it was awful.
I hate it.
Medicine is only fun when you save lives...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Today was a good day
I woke up at 5, scrubbed into 4 cases, helped with the breast clinic, went to class, afternoon rounding was pushed back to around 7 by a trauma that luckily ended well, and I found myself heading home, exhausted, and dreading the fact that I still had to run at 8pm.
So I dressed for the run (this means I have to go... no really), and made my way into my tiny nyc kitchen to make myself some instant coffee (it's not cheating!) to help energize me for my run. I go out on my crappy nyc balcony, sit on my crappy dilapidated/rusted nyc porch chairs... and realized the city was in complete view for once. (the view is the only thing I love about my place)
The weather had cooled down a little, and the normal haze that overlies the city had somehow been lifted. The sun was setting and the lights of the city were beginning to come out. The boats silently were making their way back into harbor, and it was...
The word perfect is reserved for situations like this.
A feeling of peace came over me.
Perfect weather, perfect view, not perfect instant coffee, and the realization that at that very moment, I was happy.
I gave myself that moment... I think it's called relaxing... it was amazing.
I think I only sat out there for 5 minutes... then I went for a run and huffed and puffed back home, showered, made plans for the weekend, and blogged.
Sometimes my spiritual self takes moments like this to thank god for giving her everything she has, and all the experiences she's lived through. Then my anti-religion side freaks out and wonders if she sounded like she was preaching.
So I dressed for the run (this means I have to go... no really), and made my way into my tiny nyc kitchen to make myself some instant coffee (it's not cheating!) to help energize me for my run. I go out on my crappy nyc balcony, sit on my crappy dilapidated/rusted nyc porch chairs... and realized the city was in complete view for once. (the view is the only thing I love about my place)
The weather had cooled down a little, and the normal haze that overlies the city had somehow been lifted. The sun was setting and the lights of the city were beginning to come out. The boats silently were making their way back into harbor, and it was...
The word perfect is reserved for situations like this.
A feeling of peace came over me.
Perfect weather, perfect view, not perfect instant coffee, and the realization that at that very moment, I was happy.
I gave myself that moment... I think it's called relaxing... it was amazing.
I think I only sat out there for 5 minutes... then I went for a run and huffed and puffed back home, showered, made plans for the weekend, and blogged.
Sometimes my spiritual self takes moments like this to thank god for giving her everything she has, and all the experiences she's lived through. Then my anti-religion side freaks out and wonders if she sounded like she was preaching.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Stupid shin splints
I felt like I haven't written in awhile, and I would like to keep this blog updated... so I guess rambling is in order.
I've started running. This was in an effort to get in shape and shed some extra pounds. It felt good in the beginning, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Wanna know how much weight I've lost in 3 weeks? Nada... so along with running and changing my diet I am still at exactly the same weight I was when I was eating whatever I wanted and not huffing and puffing down the street every day. Brilliant. I'm trying to keep at it, but unfortunately I think I'm getting shin splints and with NYC's amazing sidewalks, I twisted my ankle on some uneven (read construction hell) pavement... boo.
I attempted to reach out to Navy before the holiday weekend began. I felt like 2 months was long enough and if I wanted to pursue a friendship sometime in the near future reaching a hand in that direction was in order. So I called him and yeah - definitely didn't work out. I'm thinking he's still not happy with me, or that i've overestimated him and he's just extremely immature. The latter is probably the most fitting, but I don't like thinking about it. It's sad. Operation keep navy as friend is being abandoned. Unfortunate... I really mean that, I miss him around.
I've decided on a field to pursue in my medical studies... I think (lets hope I don't change my mind again). It's very competitive but I think I can do it. I'm focusing all my studies around it, and if I make it - I'll be one very happy doctor. Cross your fingers everyone.
I've made friends with 2 of the girls living in my "house" with me.
One is a very stupid young girl who has a very cute body and not so cute face. She reminds me a lot of me in the way she rationalizes everything and how she views herself in the world. Mostly she reminds me of me in dealing with the boys (and I mean BOYS) in her life. I tried to give her a talking to - the kind where you're overly harsh and tell them to get over themselves - but I don't think it worked. It's amazing how much 3 years can make a difference in the way you see the world. She's fresh out of college and I look at her like a child. Is that odd? Am I growing up? God I hope not.
The other is trying to get into fashion and very into christianity. She kinda reminds me of sara on the real world - judgemental and stubborn, but means well. She's an awesome running buddy though, so that's a bonus :). She also has a very unique sense of style, which i love - meh, we'll see, I'm trying to get out of this "house" by the end of the month.
Perfect on paper is still around, and always decides to drop a line right when I stop caring if he'll contact me or not. He's confusing, but an option I'm going to keep open. If it's meant to be... it'll be, my life is too high paced right now to deal with him and the uncertainty of either of our lives pre-match.
Other than that, I don't know - there are some updates. I'm not miserable, so the overanalytical part of me is resting a bit. But don't worry - she'll be back soon, I can feel it.
I've started running. This was in an effort to get in shape and shed some extra pounds. It felt good in the beginning, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Wanna know how much weight I've lost in 3 weeks? Nada... so along with running and changing my diet I am still at exactly the same weight I was when I was eating whatever I wanted and not huffing and puffing down the street every day. Brilliant. I'm trying to keep at it, but unfortunately I think I'm getting shin splints and with NYC's amazing sidewalks, I twisted my ankle on some uneven (read construction hell) pavement... boo.
I attempted to reach out to Navy before the holiday weekend began. I felt like 2 months was long enough and if I wanted to pursue a friendship sometime in the near future reaching a hand in that direction was in order. So I called him and yeah - definitely didn't work out. I'm thinking he's still not happy with me, or that i've overestimated him and he's just extremely immature. The latter is probably the most fitting, but I don't like thinking about it. It's sad. Operation keep navy as friend is being abandoned. Unfortunate... I really mean that, I miss him around.
I've decided on a field to pursue in my medical studies... I think (lets hope I don't change my mind again). It's very competitive but I think I can do it. I'm focusing all my studies around it, and if I make it - I'll be one very happy doctor. Cross your fingers everyone.
I've made friends with 2 of the girls living in my "house" with me.
One is a very stupid young girl who has a very cute body and not so cute face. She reminds me a lot of me in the way she rationalizes everything and how she views herself in the world. Mostly she reminds me of me in dealing with the boys (and I mean BOYS) in her life. I tried to give her a talking to - the kind where you're overly harsh and tell them to get over themselves - but I don't think it worked. It's amazing how much 3 years can make a difference in the way you see the world. She's fresh out of college and I look at her like a child. Is that odd? Am I growing up? God I hope not.
The other is trying to get into fashion and very into christianity. She kinda reminds me of sara on the real world - judgemental and stubborn, but means well. She's an awesome running buddy though, so that's a bonus :). She also has a very unique sense of style, which i love - meh, we'll see, I'm trying to get out of this "house" by the end of the month.
Perfect on paper is still around, and always decides to drop a line right when I stop caring if he'll contact me or not. He's confusing, but an option I'm going to keep open. If it's meant to be... it'll be, my life is too high paced right now to deal with him and the uncertainty of either of our lives pre-match.
Other than that, I don't know - there are some updates. I'm not miserable, so the overanalytical part of me is resting a bit. But don't worry - she'll be back soon, I can feel it.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Fair warning
When walking through the west village on gay pride parade day - do not make eye contact with other females if you are straight. Heaven forbid you smile or give way in the mob - some girl might think you're hitting on her girlfriend and get offended.
HOWEVER! I did meet an amazing man named Lou who shared his umbrella with me during the major thunderstorm I go caught in right by the train station. He watched the parade with me and give me cute little tidbits to think about as the floats came by. He was probably the savior to my weekend, it's a shame he's gay ladies (also a shame that he's about 60) his gentlemaness (word?) was a breath of fresh air in this city. I heart Lou.
I do not, however, heart large breasted women walking down the street with their boobs hanging out... ew.
The end
HOWEVER! I did meet an amazing man named Lou who shared his umbrella with me during the major thunderstorm I go caught in right by the train station. He watched the parade with me and give me cute little tidbits to think about as the floats came by. He was probably the savior to my weekend, it's a shame he's gay ladies (also a shame that he's about 60) his gentlemaness (word?) was a breath of fresh air in this city. I heart Lou.
I do not, however, heart large breasted women walking down the street with their boobs hanging out... ew.
The end
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
No more dead log.
I went out this weekend, and I forgot who I was. I put myself in situations I learned a long time ago never to put myself in... and it's like I forgot. I forgot who I was. I forgot how strong I was, and I made exceptions because I thought maybe I was feeling uncomfortable being single.
I've slept next to 3 guys in the past 4 days. Not in a sexual way, but "cuddled" non the less. They all made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to... but I thought that I only felt that way because the only man I'd slept next to for the past year and a half was navy... and before him there was no one (basic sciences makes it difficult to date).
I was kinda pushed into the situation because I was in the city, out, drunk, and crashed at a friend of a friend's place. Therefore his friend (whoever it was that night) thought they should do the obligatory move, and while the friend of a friend was hitting on my friend, the friend would make passes at me. Ugh. I'm so annoyed thinking about the situation(s) I put myself in.
Friday night, FOF (friend of a friend) is allowing my friend to spend the weekend with him while she's in town. We initially thought he wouldn't be there, which meant I brought my sleepover stuff to his apt (he was supposed to let us be using it while in the city) so she and I could do whatever we wanted. He's in love with her (she has a boyfriend) and skips his business deal in london to stay at home and try to be with her.
This means he wants to make all the plans (did I mention I really don't like him? He's 26, has new money, and absolutely no taste... not to mention arrogant) and doesn't understand that my friend and I are poor (hi, in medical school, 200k loan so far buddy, thanks). So he's taking us to all these popular expensive places in the city we can't afford, and LUCKY ME! he's inviting another male friend to keep me company it seems. So instead of hanging out with my friend friday night, I have to fight off this other equally obnoxious quality guy (also made a couple million this year, and expected me to be impressed while he told me about it... gag me) and be civil because all my shit is at FOF's house. Regardless the end of the night ends up with me cornered into sleeping in the same bed that the dude invited out for me... and although sleeping next to him wasn't bad - having him inhaling my hair, waking me up to ask me what shampoo I use ("it smells so good" *snarf*), and also waking me up by kissing me (ew gross loser, I'm sleeping! Not to mention even if you did have a chance, you probably should have initially tried to kiss me while I was awake) didn't fly by so well.
I scooted as far away from his as I could cursing myself every time he scooted near me, and played dead log all night hoping he'd give up trying to hook up with me
IDIOT! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION! WHAT IF HE WAS PSYCHO AND FORCED HIMSELF ON ME!
did I learn? No.
The next night I stayed thinking we were going to a house party where I would know people, but FOF had different ideas... again after pregamming at his house (i'm nice and toasty at this point) a random guy drops by and our plans have changed. I was more prepared this time and invited some friends to meet us up at the bar we ended up at, but FOF was equally slick and moved us around enough to where I couldn't keep up people around me to show up. UGH. I can't believe I was in this situation again.
This time though, when FOF's (new) friend tried to move in for a kiss (this one was more aggressive) I bit him.
You heard me.
Then I laughed at him and ran off.
He thought I was flirting...
I guess I kinda let him. I think I didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable... I don't know, I was drunk. ugh.
Anyhoo, I continued to play nice after that (I did bite him pretty hard) and thought he got the point when I told him I don't kiss strangers (I just bite). We continued our fun drunkeness... him not trying to kiss me again while I was awake, but then again - I ended up having to sleep in the same bed as FOF's random friend.
So I tried passing out again like a dead log (I am such an idiot) while this fool is rubbing my back, and passing his hands over my boobs. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! Why did I just lay there? And then I passed out, uncomfortable, with him kissing at my neck, cringing.
Have you noticed I haven't mentioned kissing any of these guys while awake - nor have I mentioned letting them get close enough to do anything else with the exception of the biting?
ugh.
And last night, a guy I've known for a long time came over... he randomly came into town to see a girl he's "dating" - I don't know what they are. He called me and asked if he could crash - I tell him of course... he shows up, and when the light goes off he starts rubbing my back. Now I'm very comfortable with him, and know he's touchy feely, but i dunno - the backrub turned into a full body rub... and i dunno - it was weird. Much weirder when I wake up to him kissing my back while I was sleeping, and again another man passed his hands over my boobs... and again I laid there as if I didn't know it happened cringing the whole time.
This is how girls get raped.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I had something like this happen to me back in college...
a guy who was friend's with the dude my roommate was hooking up with at the time came into my room while I was sleeping. I didn't lock my doors back then... and I slept naked. He climbed into bed with me and tried to hook up with me... I never asked him to leave, and when he started touching me I only fought him off for a little before I turned into the dead log. I let him touch me and forcibly fought him off me while he tried to sleep with me. Luckily he didn't... and I didn't tell anyone till a week later I while ignoring my roommate and having her confront me, I blew up crying and told her. The more I let myself think about it the angrier I got.
I don't know why I turn into the log... but I taught myself then that things like that aren't ok. If a guy is making you uncomfortable, it's ok for you to make him uncomfortable. No one should ever make me feel the way I feel when things like this happen... and I have no one to blame but myself.
I should have said something.
I should have taken myself out of that situation.
I should never have been in that situation.
And it definitely wasn't because these guys weren't navy, it was because these guys were creeps (yes, even unfortunately my friend... I don't know what to say to him, ugh) and I was a coward.
I am an idiot.
I've slept next to 3 guys in the past 4 days. Not in a sexual way, but "cuddled" non the less. They all made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to... but I thought that I only felt that way because the only man I'd slept next to for the past year and a half was navy... and before him there was no one (basic sciences makes it difficult to date).
I was kinda pushed into the situation because I was in the city, out, drunk, and crashed at a friend of a friend's place. Therefore his friend (whoever it was that night) thought they should do the obligatory move, and while the friend of a friend was hitting on my friend, the friend would make passes at me. Ugh. I'm so annoyed thinking about the situation(s) I put myself in.
Friday night, FOF (friend of a friend) is allowing my friend to spend the weekend with him while she's in town. We initially thought he wouldn't be there, which meant I brought my sleepover stuff to his apt (he was supposed to let us be using it while in the city) so she and I could do whatever we wanted. He's in love with her (she has a boyfriend) and skips his business deal in london to stay at home and try to be with her.
This means he wants to make all the plans (did I mention I really don't like him? He's 26, has new money, and absolutely no taste... not to mention arrogant) and doesn't understand that my friend and I are poor (hi, in medical school, 200k loan so far buddy, thanks). So he's taking us to all these popular expensive places in the city we can't afford, and LUCKY ME! he's inviting another male friend to keep me company it seems. So instead of hanging out with my friend friday night, I have to fight off this other equally obnoxious quality guy (also made a couple million this year, and expected me to be impressed while he told me about it... gag me) and be civil because all my shit is at FOF's house. Regardless the end of the night ends up with me cornered into sleeping in the same bed that the dude invited out for me... and although sleeping next to him wasn't bad - having him inhaling my hair, waking me up to ask me what shampoo I use ("it smells so good" *snarf*), and also waking me up by kissing me (ew gross loser, I'm sleeping! Not to mention even if you did have a chance, you probably should have initially tried to kiss me while I was awake) didn't fly by so well.
I scooted as far away from his as I could cursing myself every time he scooted near me, and played dead log all night hoping he'd give up trying to hook up with me
IDIOT! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION! WHAT IF HE WAS PSYCHO AND FORCED HIMSELF ON ME!
did I learn? No.
The next night I stayed thinking we were going to a house party where I would know people, but FOF had different ideas... again after pregamming at his house (i'm nice and toasty at this point) a random guy drops by and our plans have changed. I was more prepared this time and invited some friends to meet us up at the bar we ended up at, but FOF was equally slick and moved us around enough to where I couldn't keep up people around me to show up. UGH. I can't believe I was in this situation again.
This time though, when FOF's (new) friend tried to move in for a kiss (this one was more aggressive) I bit him.
You heard me.
Then I laughed at him and ran off.
He thought I was flirting...
I guess I kinda let him. I think I didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable... I don't know, I was drunk. ugh.
Anyhoo, I continued to play nice after that (I did bite him pretty hard) and thought he got the point when I told him I don't kiss strangers (I just bite). We continued our fun drunkeness... him not trying to kiss me again while I was awake, but then again - I ended up having to sleep in the same bed as FOF's random friend.
So I tried passing out again like a dead log (I am such an idiot) while this fool is rubbing my back, and passing his hands over my boobs. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! Why did I just lay there? And then I passed out, uncomfortable, with him kissing at my neck, cringing.
Have you noticed I haven't mentioned kissing any of these guys while awake - nor have I mentioned letting them get close enough to do anything else with the exception of the biting?
ugh.
And last night, a guy I've known for a long time came over... he randomly came into town to see a girl he's "dating" - I don't know what they are. He called me and asked if he could crash - I tell him of course... he shows up, and when the light goes off he starts rubbing my back. Now I'm very comfortable with him, and know he's touchy feely, but i dunno - the backrub turned into a full body rub... and i dunno - it was weird. Much weirder when I wake up to him kissing my back while I was sleeping, and again another man passed his hands over my boobs... and again I laid there as if I didn't know it happened cringing the whole time.
This is how girls get raped.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I had something like this happen to me back in college...
a guy who was friend's with the dude my roommate was hooking up with at the time came into my room while I was sleeping. I didn't lock my doors back then... and I slept naked. He climbed into bed with me and tried to hook up with me... I never asked him to leave, and when he started touching me I only fought him off for a little before I turned into the dead log. I let him touch me and forcibly fought him off me while he tried to sleep with me. Luckily he didn't... and I didn't tell anyone till a week later I while ignoring my roommate and having her confront me, I blew up crying and told her. The more I let myself think about it the angrier I got.
I don't know why I turn into the log... but I taught myself then that things like that aren't ok. If a guy is making you uncomfortable, it's ok for you to make him uncomfortable. No one should ever make me feel the way I feel when things like this happen... and I have no one to blame but myself.
I should have said something.
I should have taken myself out of that situation.
I should never have been in that situation.
And it definitely wasn't because these guys weren't navy, it was because these guys were creeps (yes, even unfortunately my friend... I don't know what to say to him, ugh) and I was a coward.
I am an idiot.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Monsoon!
I decided to go running. I sucked it up, made a play-list, mapped out a measly 1 mile route (what? I need to start slow) and stuck a hill (aka: the stair master on crack) right at the 200-300 meter mark and went on my merry little way.
I did well for the first half of the run, but right when my initial energy was fading and the end was too far away to be an ideal goal to push for - something happened. Something that felt like 80 mile per hour winds and the sky opening up and dumping water on me (ok maybe it wasn't that bad, but it felt like it).
So there I am in my skimpy shorts and tank up, gasping for air while taking baby steps, and a bucket of cold water is dumped on me from heaven itself with a mixture of scary wind and an immediate sun to no sun turnaround of about... mmm... 30 seconds? GAH.
Around this point I hit the hill... fucking hill.
So I try to make it up this DAMN hill, and I can't, people are running around around me trying to get shelter and I'm so miserably tired/oxygen deprived from pushing myself the previous half mile (woe is me!) that I can barely walk let alone climb this thing.
I hate my life.
I make it up the hill, run (think baby steps again while gasping for air) back to my tiny apt, quickly make my way inside, catch my breath (yes I almost puked thank you), look at the window and what do i see?
The sun.
The fucking sun.
Thank you freak storm for making my life miserable for that 10 minutes.
ugh.
I did well for the first half of the run, but right when my initial energy was fading and the end was too far away to be an ideal goal to push for - something happened. Something that felt like 80 mile per hour winds and the sky opening up and dumping water on me (ok maybe it wasn't that bad, but it felt like it).
So there I am in my skimpy shorts and tank up, gasping for air while taking baby steps, and a bucket of cold water is dumped on me from heaven itself with a mixture of scary wind and an immediate sun to no sun turnaround of about... mmm... 30 seconds? GAH.
Around this point I hit the hill... fucking hill.
So I try to make it up this DAMN hill, and I can't, people are running around around me trying to get shelter and I'm so miserably tired/oxygen deprived from pushing myself the previous half mile (woe is me!) that I can barely walk let alone climb this thing.
I hate my life.
I make it up the hill, run (think baby steps again while gasping for air) back to my tiny apt, quickly make my way inside, catch my breath (yes I almost puked thank you), look at the window and what do i see?
The sun.
The fucking sun.
Thank you freak storm for making my life miserable for that 10 minutes.
ugh.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Running
I love when I get into the running groove... i love the way my body feels tight the next day, how i'm more aware of my posture, how I feel like I'm getting in shape.
However, I hate getting INTO that groove. Hate it. I hate trying to get out there to run. I hate how miserable I feel I look when gasping for air the first couple of weeks, and I hate how much I suck at keeping my pace. If anything I think it's more of an anxiety dealing with how people will perceive me attempting to run vs. getting into the actual groove.
Therefore I put off getting back into my running groove, even though I REALLY want to.
I've said I haven't gone in awhile because I haven't set up my itunes... today I meant to... but I fell asleep :/
I'll keep you all updated... hate it.
However, I hate getting INTO that groove. Hate it. I hate trying to get out there to run. I hate how miserable I feel I look when gasping for air the first couple of weeks, and I hate how much I suck at keeping my pace. If anything I think it's more of an anxiety dealing with how people will perceive me attempting to run vs. getting into the actual groove.
Therefore I put off getting back into my running groove, even though I REALLY want to.
I've said I haven't gone in awhile because I haven't set up my itunes... today I meant to... but I fell asleep :/
I'll keep you all updated... hate it.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Instant happiness for $1
Whew, I can't even read through that old post it sounds so angry. The conclusion we (and I mean my best friend and I) have come up with is that I've never spit all of that out in one sitting. I've mentioned almost everything in there before, and I've lead up to that post, but when it finally came out it was angry... Maybe angry at navy for never letting me tell him how I felt? I dunno. I am a complex individual and the first to mention that I have no idea why I act/do/think/feel anything.
meh
anyhoo... I'm sitting here, sprawled out in bed, still in my work scrubs, with a million things I told myself I would do when I got home... and all I can do is groan at myself when I finally try to will myself to move.
The only thing that might get me out of bed is 1. the ice cream man (i heart popsicles) or 2. one of two $1 candy bars I bought from a nurse at work for her child's marching band.
Hersheys and reese's are awaiting me... mmmmmmmmmmm
:)
meh
anyhoo... I'm sitting here, sprawled out in bed, still in my work scrubs, with a million things I told myself I would do when I got home... and all I can do is groan at myself when I finally try to will myself to move.
The only thing that might get me out of bed is 1. the ice cream man (i heart popsicles) or 2. one of two $1 candy bars I bought from a nurse at work for her child's marching band.
Hersheys and reese's are awaiting me... mmmmmmmmmmm
:)
Monday, June 9, 2008
Happy birthday navy
I've restrained myself from contacting you, or letting you see any aspect of my life... and I hope you're doing well. I honestly mean that. Though I don't know how mutual our break up was, I'd like to think that you walked away from it thinking it was your idea... that was always the plan.
I should have broken up with you after chicago. After you lied to me about S and how much time you were spending with her. I should've broken up with you when you made such a big deal about going to the navy ball, and then after I finally agreed decided we shouldn't go. I should have broken up with you when you weren't supportive during my exams. I should have broken up with you after that big fight we had on new years where you left me at the metro station drunk and freezing - even though you said you were just hailing a cab. I should have broken up with you when you left me at the bars because you thought I was flirting with your friend, and left me to sleep on his couch the night I made my first attempt at breaking it off - the same night you looked at me with those red eyes, begging me not to go in the tighted bear hug of all time. I should've done it long before, but I unfortunately made the mistake of loving you, and wanting you to be ok with the break before it happened.
I never saw us together, you're uneducated, unmotivated, and only focus on appearances. You have no money management skills, nor any conception of the future and your role in it. The only reason we were together initially was because I was lonely, and the only reason I committed was because you worked SO HARD for me that I thought in some weird way you saw something in me I didn't. But the second I became comfortable, brought down all my walls, and let you in - I'd left for chicago and you became... bored? Whatever it was you lost whatever drive you had to keep me... and the examples cited above ensued. Instead of attempting to fix us you closed off, and whatever was missing inside you, you put on me, and blamed me for your unhappiness. You stopped working for us, you gave up - and unfortunately it seems to be a character trait I expected from you.
You're unconfrontational, your morals are questionable (concerning the B/B situation) and in some ways I look at you like a coward. You lie when confronted by a situation you don't want to be in, you look the other way when you should stand strong, and you're not someone who can ever make it in the world you dream of living in because the character you play isn't really who you are. Your advice was ALWAYS wrong with the exception of what car to buy or sports stats... both fields I find extremely boring.
These are all the flaws I saw in you when I made that list. The one I gave you with the pros and cons of us during my first attempt. I didn't list all of the ones I've listed... but I put a few that I thought you could maybe work on. You never did. Your pros took longer to think of... the only things I could think of were 1. I love him, 2. thinks I'm beautiful, 3. Loves me. And 3 was put only because I felt the list was too short...
I really did love you, and I really do want the best for you. But I look at you knowing that you're a train wreck in the making. You need to cut back on your drinking, take your schooling (the one I forced you into) more seriously, think about what you're going to do for the rest of your life and make some long term decisions. You need to pay off your debt, stop hanging out with the trash you call friends, and know your potential. For once in your life do something worthwhile. If anything I think completing your packet to be an officer is perfect... I don't see you making anything out of yourself at this point in your life. You're hopeless. You depend on others to make decisions for you, and if you make any decisions for yourself they're normally hopelessly positively marked for failure... which is unfortunate, because you deserve better.
You have a good heart, a little selfish at times, but if you're passionate about something - I'm sure you could make a difference. You mean well, you just need... something, you're missing something. I don't know what it is. Maybe you just haven't grown up, maybe you care too much about what others think about you, maybe - maybe you're just not THERE yet - but you could be. I've always told you that. You could be something great... you just need to realize it.
So why am I writing this in my blog and not sending it to you? Why am I venting like some girl with a grudge when I'd been planning our break up for at least 8 months before it actually happen? Why did I wait the 8 months and not just break it off? Maybe because I had/have hope. It use to be hope for us, and now it's just hope for you.
You don't need to hear this from me. I'm the ex girlfriend. Someone who is expected to see all your faults and whose opinion may be brushed off as a rant if approached in the wrong manner. So I've never told you and will see if sometime in the future, sometime when we might actually be friends again, when our relationship is behind us and words like this wont be considered games - I'll see if I can help you. I'll tell you what I saw now and what I'll be seeing then. I'll be there because I love you. I really do - I may not be in love with you, and I might not have been for awhile... but know that I do want the best for you. These words aren't meant to be hurtful... and they're not being spat out due to any anger or resentment towards you... they're meant to be truthful and have come from months of realizing why you and I would never end up together.
I was miserable with you, because I only cared about fixing you - somehow I forgot about myself.
So happy birthday navy
May this coming year be better than your last...
I should have broken up with you after chicago. After you lied to me about S and how much time you were spending with her. I should've broken up with you when you made such a big deal about going to the navy ball, and then after I finally agreed decided we shouldn't go. I should have broken up with you when you weren't supportive during my exams. I should have broken up with you after that big fight we had on new years where you left me at the metro station drunk and freezing - even though you said you were just hailing a cab. I should have broken up with you when you left me at the bars because you thought I was flirting with your friend, and left me to sleep on his couch the night I made my first attempt at breaking it off - the same night you looked at me with those red eyes, begging me not to go in the tighted bear hug of all time. I should've done it long before, but I unfortunately made the mistake of loving you, and wanting you to be ok with the break before it happened.
I never saw us together, you're uneducated, unmotivated, and only focus on appearances. You have no money management skills, nor any conception of the future and your role in it. The only reason we were together initially was because I was lonely, and the only reason I committed was because you worked SO HARD for me that I thought in some weird way you saw something in me I didn't. But the second I became comfortable, brought down all my walls, and let you in - I'd left for chicago and you became... bored? Whatever it was you lost whatever drive you had to keep me... and the examples cited above ensued. Instead of attempting to fix us you closed off, and whatever was missing inside you, you put on me, and blamed me for your unhappiness. You stopped working for us, you gave up - and unfortunately it seems to be a character trait I expected from you.
You're unconfrontational, your morals are questionable (concerning the B/B situation) and in some ways I look at you like a coward. You lie when confronted by a situation you don't want to be in, you look the other way when you should stand strong, and you're not someone who can ever make it in the world you dream of living in because the character you play isn't really who you are. Your advice was ALWAYS wrong with the exception of what car to buy or sports stats... both fields I find extremely boring.
These are all the flaws I saw in you when I made that list. The one I gave you with the pros and cons of us during my first attempt. I didn't list all of the ones I've listed... but I put a few that I thought you could maybe work on. You never did. Your pros took longer to think of... the only things I could think of were 1. I love him, 2. thinks I'm beautiful, 3. Loves me. And 3 was put only because I felt the list was too short...
I really did love you, and I really do want the best for you. But I look at you knowing that you're a train wreck in the making. You need to cut back on your drinking, take your schooling (the one I forced you into) more seriously, think about what you're going to do for the rest of your life and make some long term decisions. You need to pay off your debt, stop hanging out with the trash you call friends, and know your potential. For once in your life do something worthwhile. If anything I think completing your packet to be an officer is perfect... I don't see you making anything out of yourself at this point in your life. You're hopeless. You depend on others to make decisions for you, and if you make any decisions for yourself they're normally hopelessly positively marked for failure... which is unfortunate, because you deserve better.
You have a good heart, a little selfish at times, but if you're passionate about something - I'm sure you could make a difference. You mean well, you just need... something, you're missing something. I don't know what it is. Maybe you just haven't grown up, maybe you care too much about what others think about you, maybe - maybe you're just not THERE yet - but you could be. I've always told you that. You could be something great... you just need to realize it.
So why am I writing this in my blog and not sending it to you? Why am I venting like some girl with a grudge when I'd been planning our break up for at least 8 months before it actually happen? Why did I wait the 8 months and not just break it off? Maybe because I had/have hope. It use to be hope for us, and now it's just hope for you.
You don't need to hear this from me. I'm the ex girlfriend. Someone who is expected to see all your faults and whose opinion may be brushed off as a rant if approached in the wrong manner. So I've never told you and will see if sometime in the future, sometime when we might actually be friends again, when our relationship is behind us and words like this wont be considered games - I'll see if I can help you. I'll tell you what I saw now and what I'll be seeing then. I'll be there because I love you. I really do - I may not be in love with you, and I might not have been for awhile... but know that I do want the best for you. These words aren't meant to be hurtful... and they're not being spat out due to any anger or resentment towards you... they're meant to be truthful and have come from months of realizing why you and I would never end up together.
I was miserable with you, because I only cared about fixing you - somehow I forgot about myself.
So happy birthday navy
May this coming year be better than your last...
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Unremarkable
My week has been unremarkable. My car is still missing, and I think I'll be using my insurance money from it to pay for this semester of school.
My friend came to visit and we went out last night with friends of hers in the area. They're in the business field, and doing quite well for themselves. I met a guy I might have been interested in except that he's short (as in my height when I wear heels) and jewish (they tend to only want their fellow jews to settle down with). He was however very successful, good looking, and not skeezy. I actually had a very good time last night :) so I'm happy. *side note* we saw marissa tomei out afterwards and for being in her 40's she looks younger than I do. I need to be doing whatever she's doing - incredible.
I've realized my sleepiness has been the fact that I lack a set schedule. Being on call sucks, waking up early sucks, and attempting to study throughout the whole process sucks. I only have 2 more months of this and I should be fine :) - yay more sleep. I'm trying to figure out my following cores so that I can stay here longer, but things aren't looking too good. If it all works out I'm already plotting my escape from my crappy apt and looking forward to a nicer area haha, we'll see.
anyhoo - i'm boring when my life doesn't have emotional conflict... will update more when I start feeling cookey
My friend came to visit and we went out last night with friends of hers in the area. They're in the business field, and doing quite well for themselves. I met a guy I might have been interested in except that he's short (as in my height when I wear heels) and jewish (they tend to only want their fellow jews to settle down with). He was however very successful, good looking, and not skeezy. I actually had a very good time last night :) so I'm happy. *side note* we saw marissa tomei out afterwards and for being in her 40's she looks younger than I do. I need to be doing whatever she's doing - incredible.
I've realized my sleepiness has been the fact that I lack a set schedule. Being on call sucks, waking up early sucks, and attempting to study throughout the whole process sucks. I only have 2 more months of this and I should be fine :) - yay more sleep. I'm trying to figure out my following cores so that I can stay here longer, but things aren't looking too good. If it all works out I'm already plotting my escape from my crappy apt and looking forward to a nicer area haha, we'll see.
anyhoo - i'm boring when my life doesn't have emotional conflict... will update more when I start feeling cookey
Sunday, June 1, 2008
:( bye bye car
My car was stolen friday night. Miserable.
Where I come from when a car goes missing from a lot, you assume it's been towed. Not my luck in this case. I come back to my car (only parked for 3 hours) to find it missing, and being told be a very nonchalant cop that "it's probably stolen" - said with a shrug and a roll of his eyes.
I start crying, he looks like me with that "deer in the headlights" look and mutters something about trying to figure things out. He then asks the parking attendant if it was towed... big help thanks. I then filed a report and was sent away with a "we'll call you if it turns up."
I think I only teared up for a good minute or 2 before I went numb, and I've been numb ever since. My lack of caring seems to be concerning me more than my missing car. Why am I not upset over this? Why am I not worried? Is there something wrong with me? I never thought I was desensitized to anything... I've always been a crybaby (at least in my eyes) and now nothing. No more thoughts of the car, no worrying the cops will call, no nothing.
Is that a sign of something deeper? Maybe I'm turning off my emotions to help me deal with navy. I've noticed myself changing songs on the radio when they give me that little ping in my heart - refusing to let myself think of what could have been. I've seen myself change TV channels when something romatic comes on, not wanting to see anything that will make me think romance of that nature is real... but I never thought I was numbing myself. The only emotion I've let myself really feel lately is anger (some stupid medicinist at the hospital showed a little attitude, I let it get to me a little too much).
I also slept in today till 1pm - god I hope i'm not depressed.
Miserable.
Where I come from when a car goes missing from a lot, you assume it's been towed. Not my luck in this case. I come back to my car (only parked for 3 hours) to find it missing, and being told be a very nonchalant cop that "it's probably stolen" - said with a shrug and a roll of his eyes.
I start crying, he looks like me with that "deer in the headlights" look and mutters something about trying to figure things out. He then asks the parking attendant if it was towed... big help thanks. I then filed a report and was sent away with a "we'll call you if it turns up."
I think I only teared up for a good minute or 2 before I went numb, and I've been numb ever since. My lack of caring seems to be concerning me more than my missing car. Why am I not upset over this? Why am I not worried? Is there something wrong with me? I never thought I was desensitized to anything... I've always been a crybaby (at least in my eyes) and now nothing. No more thoughts of the car, no worrying the cops will call, no nothing.
Is that a sign of something deeper? Maybe I'm turning off my emotions to help me deal with navy. I've noticed myself changing songs on the radio when they give me that little ping in my heart - refusing to let myself think of what could have been. I've seen myself change TV channels when something romatic comes on, not wanting to see anything that will make me think romance of that nature is real... but I never thought I was numbing myself. The only emotion I've let myself really feel lately is anger (some stupid medicinist at the hospital showed a little attitude, I let it get to me a little too much).
I also slept in today till 1pm - god I hope i'm not depressed.
Miserable.
Connections
Do you think people have connections? Like when something happens to someone, someone else can feel or sense it?
I totally believe it. My family creeps people out. My mother has the uncanny ability to always call and check in on me (while staying at home) when I'm seconds from turning into our driveway. Friends pick up their cell phones to call me and find me already on the other line calling them without their cell phones ringing.
The other night my car got stolen, and I get a call from 5 (5!) friends the next day who all claimed to have a dream about me the night before and thought they should check in.
So is it odd that some nights I have dreams about navy... and feel like I know when he's with someone else, or thinking of me? The former has happened twice, both on saturday nights, the latter is more of a feeling of calm that comes over me...
Now I know it sounds crazy, but blogging is a way to let out all your crazy beliefs without fear of judgement or criticism... even re-reading this I think it's crazy, but whatev... I'm allowed to be crazy sometimes.
Now I should probably blog about the stolen car...
I totally believe it. My family creeps people out. My mother has the uncanny ability to always call and check in on me (while staying at home) when I'm seconds from turning into our driveway. Friends pick up their cell phones to call me and find me already on the other line calling them without their cell phones ringing.
The other night my car got stolen, and I get a call from 5 (5!) friends the next day who all claimed to have a dream about me the night before and thought they should check in.
So is it odd that some nights I have dreams about navy... and feel like I know when he's with someone else, or thinking of me? The former has happened twice, both on saturday nights, the latter is more of a feeling of calm that comes over me...
Now I know it sounds crazy, but blogging is a way to let out all your crazy beliefs without fear of judgement or criticism... even re-reading this I think it's crazy, but whatev... I'm allowed to be crazy sometimes.
Now I should probably blog about the stolen car...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Perfect on paper
I've met my perfect on paper man.
You know, the one that when written down and presented before you sounds like exactly what you would ever dream in finding in a man. The one you made a check list about with your best friend in 7th grade, promising if you ever found him you'd get married in a heartbeat (i use to have "be a virgin" on the list, lol, i scratched that one off).
The one who is a soon to be doctor, from the same culture, has the same interests, likes to party but isn't a big partier, who see's the big picture, knows the world is too big for him but tries to conquer it anyway, the one who loves his family as much as you love yours, knows why his past relationships are in his past, and knows that someone like you is exactly what he needs to have in his future. The one who thinks 10 years in advance, and talks about marriage as a soon to be event, not with dread like the others.
So I found him.
I found him while dating navy to be exact. I developed a crush instantly (the last person that happened with was... actually it was crazy CPE - i didn't like any of the others initially) and looked for him around the hospital during morning rounds, noon conference, and plotted how to sit near him or in a range where he would have to see me. I had a boyfriend so I didn't get too close, nor did I let my rapidly developed crush on him be seen, but I definitely got close enough so that I could keep in contact with him after the rotation ended.
He coincidentally at that time also had a girlfriend (a blonde go figure) who he broke up with about 2 months before I parted ways with navy. So while he was dealing with his break up with her, I was plotting my soon to be ending relationship with navy, and while I've been dealing with my break up with navy he's been slowly calling more, checking in more, and just seeming to be around more.
The thing that gets to me is that usually when I enter a relationship (not that i will be in this situation) the guy is gung ho after me. It's like a drug you can't get enough of. They're always trying to check in, see me, call me, do everything with me - me me me. But this guy -- not so much. I talk to him maybe once a week, he's like me - busy in medical school. He's a year ahead of me, has the same drive and ambition as me, and -- whatever he's perfect on paper.
So sometimes I want him, and sometimes I don't. I'm a very confused little girl. Today I'm post call, which means I've been in the hospital for the past 30 hours doing scut work and fending off CS. I come home, pass out, and today (OF ALL DAYS!) he decides he wants to chat me up - I'm not having it. I can't think of anything to say, I don't feel like talking, I'm happy in my lonely shitty nyc apt and the attention I've been craving from him isn't wanted at the moment...
But he's my perfect on paper, he's the only guy I've ever met and thought to myself "I could marry this guy." (yes I did freak out when I thought about something like that, but I also freaked out last night on call in the NICU when I saw the cute little preme's and though "I want one" - shoot me).
:( gah.
BTW other things I want to blog about - mini note to me
- subway stairs
- upper west side
- nyc tourists.
You know, the one that when written down and presented before you sounds like exactly what you would ever dream in finding in a man. The one you made a check list about with your best friend in 7th grade, promising if you ever found him you'd get married in a heartbeat (i use to have "be a virgin" on the list, lol, i scratched that one off).
The one who is a soon to be doctor, from the same culture, has the same interests, likes to party but isn't a big partier, who see's the big picture, knows the world is too big for him but tries to conquer it anyway, the one who loves his family as much as you love yours, knows why his past relationships are in his past, and knows that someone like you is exactly what he needs to have in his future. The one who thinks 10 years in advance, and talks about marriage as a soon to be event, not with dread like the others.
So I found him.
I found him while dating navy to be exact. I developed a crush instantly (the last person that happened with was... actually it was crazy CPE - i didn't like any of the others initially) and looked for him around the hospital during morning rounds, noon conference, and plotted how to sit near him or in a range where he would have to see me. I had a boyfriend so I didn't get too close, nor did I let my rapidly developed crush on him be seen, but I definitely got close enough so that I could keep in contact with him after the rotation ended.
He coincidentally at that time also had a girlfriend (a blonde go figure) who he broke up with about 2 months before I parted ways with navy. So while he was dealing with his break up with her, I was plotting my soon to be ending relationship with navy, and while I've been dealing with my break up with navy he's been slowly calling more, checking in more, and just seeming to be around more.
The thing that gets to me is that usually when I enter a relationship (not that i will be in this situation) the guy is gung ho after me. It's like a drug you can't get enough of. They're always trying to check in, see me, call me, do everything with me - me me me. But this guy -- not so much. I talk to him maybe once a week, he's like me - busy in medical school. He's a year ahead of me, has the same drive and ambition as me, and -- whatever he's perfect on paper.
So sometimes I want him, and sometimes I don't. I'm a very confused little girl. Today I'm post call, which means I've been in the hospital for the past 30 hours doing scut work and fending off CS. I come home, pass out, and today (OF ALL DAYS!) he decides he wants to chat me up - I'm not having it. I can't think of anything to say, I don't feel like talking, I'm happy in my lonely shitty nyc apt and the attention I've been craving from him isn't wanted at the moment...
But he's my perfect on paper, he's the only guy I've ever met and thought to myself "I could marry this guy." (yes I did freak out when I thought about something like that, but I also freaked out last night on call in the NICU when I saw the cute little preme's and though "I want one" - shoot me).
:( gah.
BTW other things I want to blog about - mini note to me
- subway stairs
- upper west side
- nyc tourists.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A surgeon's hands
I've always had some kind of fixation with hands. I like a guy with strong large hands. I don't know how it happened, but after getting to know a guy and while at the point where I'm trying to figure out if I REALLY find him attractive, I stare at his hands... Maybe it has something to do with the hand/penis urban legend. Who knows. I like a firm hand.
Cocky surgeon (mentioned earlier because of my annoyance with his forwardness) has been very unappealing to me. The only reason he seems to get my attention is that he's tall (I'm a sucker for tall guys) and built looking under those scrubs. He will give me his full attention (unwanted most times) at one moment and ignore me the next. He's pretty good at the game, I'll give him that...
So while on call last night, the uncomfortable i'm hitting on you/ignoring you game began. My partner finds it highly amusing, and around 2 am while coming off my caffeine kick, something odd happened.
We were called to place a foley. I was supposed to do it (practice makes perfect) but the pt didn't like the idea of a foley shoved up his penis, and CS (cocky surgeon) ended up doing it. While placing a foley, the environment needs to be sterile. Sterile mat, sterile foley, sterile gloves. When CS was setting up the area I got to watch him put on his gloves.
It was hot.
I only think I found him attractive in that moment (while staring at his uber hot surgeon hands) because I think that's how he was the most comfortable. A surgeon's hands are their life, and while I stood there watching him standing tall in his scrubs, lab coats and gloves - he was exactly where he was going to stay the rest of his life. He was stable in that moment. Maybe that could be it right?
Or I just think tall dr's with latex gloves on are sexy - :)
Later while seeing a case in the ER he hit on me again and the magic was gone.
Pity
Cocky surgeon (mentioned earlier because of my annoyance with his forwardness) has been very unappealing to me. The only reason he seems to get my attention is that he's tall (I'm a sucker for tall guys) and built looking under those scrubs. He will give me his full attention (unwanted most times) at one moment and ignore me the next. He's pretty good at the game, I'll give him that...
So while on call last night, the uncomfortable i'm hitting on you/ignoring you game began. My partner finds it highly amusing, and around 2 am while coming off my caffeine kick, something odd happened.
We were called to place a foley. I was supposed to do it (practice makes perfect) but the pt didn't like the idea of a foley shoved up his penis, and CS (cocky surgeon) ended up doing it. While placing a foley, the environment needs to be sterile. Sterile mat, sterile foley, sterile gloves. When CS was setting up the area I got to watch him put on his gloves.
It was hot.
I only think I found him attractive in that moment (while staring at his uber hot surgeon hands) because I think that's how he was the most comfortable. A surgeon's hands are their life, and while I stood there watching him standing tall in his scrubs, lab coats and gloves - he was exactly where he was going to stay the rest of his life. He was stable in that moment. Maybe that could be it right?
Or I just think tall dr's with latex gloves on are sexy - :)
Later while seeing a case in the ER he hit on me again and the magic was gone.
Pity
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Stop pretending
I need to stop. I am at the peak of self evaluation and self assesment right now. Sometimes I wonder if I'm best to myself when I'm miserable - because I actually take the time to look at myself and figure out what's wrong with me. I start doing things for myself, I start acting for myself, I see myself.
What do I see?
A broken excuse of a girl who is expected to be a woman and understand all aspects of life from a logical and ethical stand point yet has no idea what's going on with herself or those around her.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to become a doctor and have someone's life in my hands, I'm scared of ending up alone and childless (yes I admit it), I'm scared that navy's easy return to singlehood means I'm easily forgettable and meant nothing to him, and I'm scared that in some way I have some kind of social abnormality where only those who aren't close to me like me, but the second I let people in they run away screaming.
I'm scared I'm a complete contradiction and will never be able to fix myself.
I scared that I'm only happy when I'm alone, and that is the only time I take care of myself because it seems that in a relationship I only care about the person I love (which unfortunately isn't me).
I re read old posts and I sound cocky - I'm definitely not. I think maybe it's me talking to myself. Telling myself the reality I should live in. I go through phases where I know how I should be, who I am, and what I'm worth. It seems like it's only those times I blog - not for others to read, but for myself.
I'm SCREAMING at myself that I AM WORTH IT. I AM AMAZING. I DESERVE EVERYTHING I WANT.It's those times when I read, re read, and believe my posts.
I read it as though my mentor is talking to me. Yes, you're right, I do deserve more. How dare anyone see me for less than I am. RAWR. Me strong like bull.
But I'm not cocky nor self assertive. I devalue and put myself down daily. I don't see how amazing I am, I constantly think I could be smarter, prettier, BETTER than I am. I settle on people... navy for example... because they put effort into me, and that means they think I'm special. It takes awhile for the wall to come down, but when it does it's a bitch to rebuild.
Why is this true? Example:
Let's see everything I've done for MYSELF since ending the navy era:
- Cut hair
- Moved to NYC, living alone (though this was already planned in advance... meh)
- Bought nice new super high tech phone
- Started eating healthy
- Joined gym
- Bought the hot pink nail polish I've been craving for 4 months and painted my nails.
- Gave self a mini spa, including waxing and fun facial things I had bought 8 months ago.
I become miserable only when I think of other's images of me, and only think they see the worse. My self esteem is HORRIBLE, even when I have people constantly telling me how beautiful, smart, giving... etc, I am. I don't know why I don't believe them. Maybe I think they have to say that. I guess I take it for granted. I find myself blogging about how so and so hit on me and how it annoys me - why don't I appreciate the attention I get? Why do I brush it off and then wonder why I'm alone? Why do I break up with someone knowing its never going to go anywhere, and becoming upset that he's not broken after I left?
GAH!
Therefore I demand you all love me. Now. I mean it. I am amazing. Can't you see? I know everythiing, and I know I'm awesome. :)
Good now that we all see eye to eye... I'll leave you to think of me.
Always.
Me.
ME ME ME.
What do I see?
A broken excuse of a girl who is expected to be a woman and understand all aspects of life from a logical and ethical stand point yet has no idea what's going on with herself or those around her.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to become a doctor and have someone's life in my hands, I'm scared of ending up alone and childless (yes I admit it), I'm scared that navy's easy return to singlehood means I'm easily forgettable and meant nothing to him, and I'm scared that in some way I have some kind of social abnormality where only those who aren't close to me like me, but the second I let people in they run away screaming.
I'm scared I'm a complete contradiction and will never be able to fix myself.
I scared that I'm only happy when I'm alone, and that is the only time I take care of myself because it seems that in a relationship I only care about the person I love (which unfortunately isn't me).
I re read old posts and I sound cocky - I'm definitely not. I think maybe it's me talking to myself. Telling myself the reality I should live in. I go through phases where I know how I should be, who I am, and what I'm worth. It seems like it's only those times I blog - not for others to read, but for myself.
I'm SCREAMING at myself that I AM WORTH IT. I AM AMAZING. I DESERVE EVERYTHING I WANT.It's those times when I read, re read, and believe my posts.
I read it as though my mentor is talking to me. Yes, you're right, I do deserve more. How dare anyone see me for less than I am. RAWR. Me strong like bull.
But I'm not cocky nor self assertive. I devalue and put myself down daily. I don't see how amazing I am, I constantly think I could be smarter, prettier, BETTER than I am. I settle on people... navy for example... because they put effort into me, and that means they think I'm special. It takes awhile for the wall to come down, but when it does it's a bitch to rebuild.
Why is this true? Example:
Let's see everything I've done for MYSELF since ending the navy era:
- Cut hair
- Moved to NYC, living alone (though this was already planned in advance... meh)
- Bought nice new super high tech phone
- Started eating healthy
- Joined gym
- Bought the hot pink nail polish I've been craving for 4 months and painted my nails.
- Gave self a mini spa, including waxing and fun facial things I had bought 8 months ago.
I become miserable only when I think of other's images of me, and only think they see the worse. My self esteem is HORRIBLE, even when I have people constantly telling me how beautiful, smart, giving... etc, I am. I don't know why I don't believe them. Maybe I think they have to say that. I guess I take it for granted. I find myself blogging about how so and so hit on me and how it annoys me - why don't I appreciate the attention I get? Why do I brush it off and then wonder why I'm alone? Why do I break up with someone knowing its never going to go anywhere, and becoming upset that he's not broken after I left?
GAH!
Therefore I demand you all love me. Now. I mean it. I am amazing. Can't you see? I know everythiing, and I know I'm awesome. :)
Good now that we all see eye to eye... I'll leave you to think of me.
Always.
Me.
ME ME ME.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Birthday
I am trying very hard not to let my jealousy get to navy. I asked him not to call me after the break up and I haven't contacted him. I don't want to play games with him, and I'm good at those. Sometimes my pride steps in and I just want to win. I want to make sure it's me they always want... and that sucks. It's not right, and it's not fair - I know it, and I'm trying not to let it happen.
But his birthday is coming up, and I do love him - though I'm not in love with him, I care about him a lot. I've been debating contacting him. Just because it'll open up a bottle of worms that I don't know if I want or am ready to clean up. I want him to forget me in a way and find someone else, but I want him to understand I care about him, a lot, and although we're not speaking at the moment eventually, after I'm past all this, I want a friendship.
I've decided a text message is the best method.
Now the context of the text message is a biggie. There are variations I can send...
1. Happy birthday
- non personal, no emotion, and may seem like i'm just sending it to send it
2. Happy birthday dimples
- more personal, pet name may be taken the wrong way, or may make him smile, shows i care
3. Happy birthday dimples, love you
- games. games games games. how I feel but will definitely cause drama. May or may not get a response... but shows that i still care about him.
I'm siding with 2, but I keep wanting to send 3.
I suck
But his birthday is coming up, and I do love him - though I'm not in love with him, I care about him a lot. I've been debating contacting him. Just because it'll open up a bottle of worms that I don't know if I want or am ready to clean up. I want him to forget me in a way and find someone else, but I want him to understand I care about him, a lot, and although we're not speaking at the moment eventually, after I'm past all this, I want a friendship.
I've decided a text message is the best method.
Now the context of the text message is a biggie. There are variations I can send...
1. Happy birthday
- non personal, no emotion, and may seem like i'm just sending it to send it
2. Happy birthday dimples
- more personal, pet name may be taken the wrong way, or may make him smile, shows i care
3. Happy birthday dimples, love you
- games. games games games. how I feel but will definitely cause drama. May or may not get a response... but shows that i still care about him.
I'm siding with 2, but I keep wanting to send 3.
I suck
Friday, May 16, 2008
I discriminate
Surgeons have a 200% divorce rate.
Yes, that means they get married, divorced, married again and then divorced again.
Surgeons are horny.
I was warned about them prior to this rotation. One of my interns in medicine was dealing with her break up from this amazing rising surgeon rotating through hopkins. Apparently he went from her to one of her good friends - a very messy situation.
Day one of my rotation I could tell by the looks I was getting that everything I heard about surgeons are true. Not only have I heard about certain residencies priding themselves on 100% of the surgeons entering their system getting divorced (and being proud of it), but I've seen the cocky I want to get in your pants routine way too often this past week.
Last night on call I was unfortunately on call with an intern who decided that I was going to be the fresh meat he would try to tackle first. Within minutes of free time (around 12am) he was trying to establish if i was dating my partner (this guy from basics I've known since the beginning), if I had a boyfriend, and what I was doing tonight (friday night).
I avoided the boyfriend question, my partner and I laughed about the two of us being together, and I attempted to be vague about my whereabouts last night. Unfortunately the intern had other ideas. Seeing as how he wasn't getting anywhere by asking questions when the medical students were around him together (we usually do things by teams btw - and I would let my partner answer all questions) he cornered me in the on call room when my partner left to get some water.
Scene: On call room, 3 beds (tiny), me curled up - face covered,
Intern: so you coming out tomorrow night?
Me: I don't know yet
Intern: come on, lets go out, I'm inviting you
Me: I mean, I'm living _______ so if I headed out there I'd probably have [my partner] find me a place to sleep - I'm too suburban for this city, everything scares me - especially at 4 AM
Intern: How about you can sleep at my place?
Me: Umm... we'll see what happens
Intern: (i don't really remember what he said) *insert guilt trip here about him being my intern and inviting me out and blah blah*
Me: ok ok ok I'll try
later:
Me: *informing partner of what happened* cover for me
Partner: shit, i'll just say I couldn't come pick you up
Me: don't give him my number
Partner: Don't be mean, he's going to be grading you
Me: shit.
The unfortunate thing is that this guy is uber smart and tall (not very attractive, but I'm trying to stay away from hot guys, they always end up being too stupid for me) and had he gone about asking me out the normal way, like saaaaaaaaaay dinner, I would have probably accepted - rebound dates are awesome when you've just broke up with someone. But him trying to get me to some ritzy club in nyc and planning on taking me back to his place afterwards after only being on call with me for 3 hours makes me think he's not being very sincere in his actions.
I don't like being treated like a piece of meat. A guy who attempt to get to know me prior to taking actions on my looks goes much further than a guy who I can see staring at my ass a mile away.
I'm staying away from surgeons from now on. Their reputations seem to be too true for my liking - I don't need that right now.
Yes, that means they get married, divorced, married again and then divorced again.
Surgeons are horny.
I was warned about them prior to this rotation. One of my interns in medicine was dealing with her break up from this amazing rising surgeon rotating through hopkins. Apparently he went from her to one of her good friends - a very messy situation.
Day one of my rotation I could tell by the looks I was getting that everything I heard about surgeons are true. Not only have I heard about certain residencies priding themselves on 100% of the surgeons entering their system getting divorced (and being proud of it), but I've seen the cocky I want to get in your pants routine way too often this past week.
Last night on call I was unfortunately on call with an intern who decided that I was going to be the fresh meat he would try to tackle first. Within minutes of free time (around 12am) he was trying to establish if i was dating my partner (this guy from basics I've known since the beginning), if I had a boyfriend, and what I was doing tonight (friday night).
I avoided the boyfriend question, my partner and I laughed about the two of us being together, and I attempted to be vague about my whereabouts last night. Unfortunately the intern had other ideas. Seeing as how he wasn't getting anywhere by asking questions when the medical students were around him together (we usually do things by teams btw - and I would let my partner answer all questions) he cornered me in the on call room when my partner left to get some water.
Scene: On call room, 3 beds (tiny), me curled up - face covered,
Intern: so you coming out tomorrow night?
Me: I don't know yet
Intern: come on, lets go out, I'm inviting you
Me: I mean, I'm living _______ so if I headed out there I'd probably have [my partner] find me a place to sleep - I'm too suburban for this city, everything scares me - especially at 4 AM
Intern: How about you can sleep at my place?
Me: Umm... we'll see what happens
Intern: (i don't really remember what he said) *insert guilt trip here about him being my intern and inviting me out and blah blah*
Me: ok ok ok I'll try
later:
Me: *informing partner of what happened* cover for me
Partner: shit, i'll just say I couldn't come pick you up
Me: don't give him my number
Partner: Don't be mean, he's going to be grading you
Me: shit.
The unfortunate thing is that this guy is uber smart and tall (not very attractive, but I'm trying to stay away from hot guys, they always end up being too stupid for me) and had he gone about asking me out the normal way, like saaaaaaaaaay dinner, I would have probably accepted - rebound dates are awesome when you've just broke up with someone. But him trying to get me to some ritzy club in nyc and planning on taking me back to his place afterwards after only being on call with me for 3 hours makes me think he's not being very sincere in his actions.
I don't like being treated like a piece of meat. A guy who attempt to get to know me prior to taking actions on my looks goes much further than a guy who I can see staring at my ass a mile away.
I'm staying away from surgeons from now on. Their reputations seem to be too true for my liking - I don't need that right now.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Reality
So here's what I actually think everyday when I'm not alone and thinking about the weight of the world of my shoulders. I've only had about 1-2 weak moments (I've blogged both thank you) and honestly, I think I've taken this break up amazingly well. Point being:
I love navy, but I don't want to be with him and don't see a future with him.
Many of the things he does annoy me. Since the beginning of the relationship he never answered any questions right. When asked what his plan was for the rest of his life I got silence. "You know that's not like me, I always have a plan, I guess I have to think about it," was his response... I guess he's still thinking... He was anal, stubborn, and didn't think outside the box. Everything had to be planned, and he never wanted to do spontaneous fun things liiiike - randomly go for a drive the scenic route, or go snowboarding instead of being holed up all day.
Our conversations were dull, he only liked to talk about sports, hated discussing politics, would never talk about his day, didn't gossip, and found no interest in the medical field at all. When I would learn something new he would never let me talk about it, he would yawn or tell me he didn't want to hear about gross things like that. I wasn't allowed to practice physical exams on him because they would freak him out. He didn't understand when I had to study, and the classes he was taking he didn't care about - I think he earned C's in them. I was mortified that someone didn't care what their grade in a class would be.
After awhile I realized yes, he did work very hard to get me, but then when he got me it took only about a month and a half before he didn't really "care" anymore. Or should I say, he stopped trying and was just... there. That was around october... and since then it's been a battle. From then forward it was me reaching for him, not a happy medium or give and take. I eventually got sick of it and tried to break it off...
but the problem was that I still loved him, and when his big all american blue eyes that never cry looked at me red and brimming with tears... I knew I wouldn't be able to stay true to the break up.
That night I told my best friend that if anyone was going to end navy and my relationship, it would have to be navy. I was just going to scout for something new in the mean time.
I guess I did scout a little, I'd get crushes here and there, but navy was still number 1. It wasn't a factor of if navy and I would end, but when. But during that time I realized, I can't deal with going from this to something else. I had amazingly attractive smart guys who didn't know about navy trying to talk to me - and I couldn't bring myself to be THAT girl. The one that went from one thing to another.
Towards the last month navy began to see the inevitable end. He tried harder, did things for me he usually didn't but he knew would get brownie points for, but eventually I think he gave in too.
Last night I went on a networking site after speaking to his mother and scouted his page. I'm proud to announce that although seeing the pretty tiny little blonde's messages on there gushing about how she had a great weekend with him hurt - it was just reality. I hope she's nice, and I'm happy that he's able to get himself out there. It showed me that this was where he needed to be. He was a chaser, he still into mainly sexual interests, and I'm - i'm not. I'm looking for someone I can marry - not someone I can just fuck.
I really do love him, I really do want the best for him, and I know that he's just not the right guy for me. I just hate that I still feel jealous for a guy that hasn't really been my boyfriend for such a long time, and happy for him at the same time.
I just don't get it.
I love navy, but I don't want to be with him and don't see a future with him.
Many of the things he does annoy me. Since the beginning of the relationship he never answered any questions right. When asked what his plan was for the rest of his life I got silence. "You know that's not like me, I always have a plan, I guess I have to think about it," was his response... I guess he's still thinking... He was anal, stubborn, and didn't think outside the box. Everything had to be planned, and he never wanted to do spontaneous fun things liiiike - randomly go for a drive the scenic route, or go snowboarding instead of being holed up all day.
Our conversations were dull, he only liked to talk about sports, hated discussing politics, would never talk about his day, didn't gossip, and found no interest in the medical field at all. When I would learn something new he would never let me talk about it, he would yawn or tell me he didn't want to hear about gross things like that. I wasn't allowed to practice physical exams on him because they would freak him out. He didn't understand when I had to study, and the classes he was taking he didn't care about - I think he earned C's in them. I was mortified that someone didn't care what their grade in a class would be.
After awhile I realized yes, he did work very hard to get me, but then when he got me it took only about a month and a half before he didn't really "care" anymore. Or should I say, he stopped trying and was just... there. That was around october... and since then it's been a battle. From then forward it was me reaching for him, not a happy medium or give and take. I eventually got sick of it and tried to break it off...
but the problem was that I still loved him, and when his big all american blue eyes that never cry looked at me red and brimming with tears... I knew I wouldn't be able to stay true to the break up.
That night I told my best friend that if anyone was going to end navy and my relationship, it would have to be navy. I was just going to scout for something new in the mean time.
I guess I did scout a little, I'd get crushes here and there, but navy was still number 1. It wasn't a factor of if navy and I would end, but when. But during that time I realized, I can't deal with going from this to something else. I had amazingly attractive smart guys who didn't know about navy trying to talk to me - and I couldn't bring myself to be THAT girl. The one that went from one thing to another.
Towards the last month navy began to see the inevitable end. He tried harder, did things for me he usually didn't but he knew would get brownie points for, but eventually I think he gave in too.
Last night I went on a networking site after speaking to his mother and scouted his page. I'm proud to announce that although seeing the pretty tiny little blonde's messages on there gushing about how she had a great weekend with him hurt - it was just reality. I hope she's nice, and I'm happy that he's able to get himself out there. It showed me that this was where he needed to be. He was a chaser, he still into mainly sexual interests, and I'm - i'm not. I'm looking for someone I can marry - not someone I can just fuck.
I really do love him, I really do want the best for him, and I know that he's just not the right guy for me. I just hate that I still feel jealous for a guy that hasn't really been my boyfriend for such a long time, and happy for him at the same time.
I just don't get it.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Navy's mom
I would repost the e mail she'd sent me when she found out navy and I broke up, but i deleted it to prevent myself from torturing myself with it.
However I've told myself to type in here instead of bitching to friends whenever anything navy related goes down sooo...
Tonight I called navy's mom to get her e mail to send her some pictures i had from when their family came to visit. The pictures hadn't been going through, and i wanted them off my phone. I definitely thought i could handle it. I definitely couldn't. I definitely cried (cringe) and tried to hide it miserably. She told me she thought i was going to be her daughter in law, and that her son was a moron. I told her it was for the best and that he needed this time to be single and do everything he had to before he met the girl he was going to marry. She told me she was framing a picture to put up of me and him from when he was in his uniform for him to see when he came home. I told her that probably wasn't a very good idea.
Whenever I think about how shitty navy was at times, I'm happy I'm no longer with him. But then I let myself remind myself how cute he was sometimes, and I miss it.
I am so freaking up and down. Who breaks up with a guy she still loves but knows she definitely doesn't want to be with?!
However I've told myself to type in here instead of bitching to friends whenever anything navy related goes down sooo...
Tonight I called navy's mom to get her e mail to send her some pictures i had from when their family came to visit. The pictures hadn't been going through, and i wanted them off my phone. I definitely thought i could handle it. I definitely couldn't. I definitely cried (cringe) and tried to hide it miserably. She told me she thought i was going to be her daughter in law, and that her son was a moron. I told her it was for the best and that he needed this time to be single and do everything he had to before he met the girl he was going to marry. She told me she was framing a picture to put up of me and him from when he was in his uniform for him to see when he came home. I told her that probably wasn't a very good idea.
Whenever I think about how shitty navy was at times, I'm happy I'm no longer with him. But then I let myself remind myself how cute he was sometimes, and I miss it.
I am so freaking up and down. Who breaks up with a guy she still loves but knows she definitely doesn't want to be with?!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Bye bye Navy
I've been prolonging writing this blog - though now I feel like it would've been much more interesting for me to come back to if I wrote daily after the break up.
I broke up with navy exactly one week ago, on a monday morning, over the phone, and haven't spoken to him since.
I think it was mutual...
I could fill this blog with why i should have and all the reasons why it's right, but I've decided to do the harder thing and tell you why it hurts. I haven't let myself see that, and it's so much easier to type this out to an annoymous group of people vs. telling a friend who probably wouldn't understand or want to hear my complaints anyway - because it's right, and because everyone's happy I've finally dumped him... mutually... we broke up mutually - i think he wanted it too...
So here we go:
It hurts because for a year and a half I loved him.
It hurts because he tried so hard to get me, and eventually didn't care that he was losing me.
It hurts because I love his dimples, and poking them while he puffed out his cheeks to hide them from me.
It hurts because his mother e mailed me the day of the break-up telling me i was a part of her family, and she was hurt and shocked that we were not together.
It hurts because I couldn't talk to her about it.
It hurts because I don't want to see him with anyone other than myself, I can't see him touching another girl, kissing her, or saying anything to her that I want to hear him tell me.
It hurts because I love him, even though we would never have a future together.
It hurts because I want to be with him, but know nothing has changed, and that I need to walk away and let him be with another girl so that he and I can both be happier.
It hurts, and I haven't let anyone see it.
It hurts because it's the first time I've really loved someone and walked away because it's for the best.
I haven't let anyone see me cry. When I tell people we broke up and they clap and exclaim "finally!" or "good!" or "thank god, you can do so much better" I shrug and give a little smile. I haven't called him, and asked him never to call me. I can still hear him whispering into the phone after I told him it would be easier "I can't promise that." I can't forget him staying those 4 words. They repeat in my head every night before bed.
I deleted every e mail from him, in my inbox and the trash - so that I couldn't read them over and over to torture myself. I deleted him and his friends from online networking sites, so that I couldn't get any updates of pictures of him out with friends - and so that he didn't see me doing anything, IF he decided to peek in and I had somehow moved on and went on a date.
I went through my voicemail and deleted his messages... one having been sent only 3 days prior that also replays in my head every night because of sweet and happy he sounded.
So now I'm in a state of limbo. During the day I'm fine, it's the nights where I get miserable and sappy. I've had 2 people express interest, and though I haven't fought them off... their advances are unwanted. For the first time after a break up I'm not bouncing back. I'm not trying to get another boyfriend quick to replace this one. Any other man calling me at night or text messaging me feels like an imposter. It just feels wrong, and awkward... and fake. Their advances anger me in a way - do they really think that after a long term relationship I could just jump back into the swing of things, or show them any sort of interest at all? Annoying.
I want to be alone... and heal...
Oh yeah, and after the break up I cut my hair 5 inches, bought a new blackberry (SO COOL!), just started surgery, and I moved to the big city, with a view of the water and lady liberty herself.
All within the last 7 days... how's that for a quarterlife crisis.
I broke up with navy exactly one week ago, on a monday morning, over the phone, and haven't spoken to him since.
I think it was mutual...
I could fill this blog with why i should have and all the reasons why it's right, but I've decided to do the harder thing and tell you why it hurts. I haven't let myself see that, and it's so much easier to type this out to an annoymous group of people vs. telling a friend who probably wouldn't understand or want to hear my complaints anyway - because it's right, and because everyone's happy I've finally dumped him... mutually... we broke up mutually - i think he wanted it too...
So here we go:
It hurts because for a year and a half I loved him.
It hurts because he tried so hard to get me, and eventually didn't care that he was losing me.
It hurts because I love his dimples, and poking them while he puffed out his cheeks to hide them from me.
It hurts because his mother e mailed me the day of the break-up telling me i was a part of her family, and she was hurt and shocked that we were not together.
It hurts because I couldn't talk to her about it.
It hurts because I don't want to see him with anyone other than myself, I can't see him touching another girl, kissing her, or saying anything to her that I want to hear him tell me.
It hurts because I love him, even though we would never have a future together.
It hurts because I want to be with him, but know nothing has changed, and that I need to walk away and let him be with another girl so that he and I can both be happier.
It hurts, and I haven't let anyone see it.
It hurts because it's the first time I've really loved someone and walked away because it's for the best.
I haven't let anyone see me cry. When I tell people we broke up and they clap and exclaim "finally!" or "good!" or "thank god, you can do so much better" I shrug and give a little smile. I haven't called him, and asked him never to call me. I can still hear him whispering into the phone after I told him it would be easier "I can't promise that." I can't forget him staying those 4 words. They repeat in my head every night before bed.
I deleted every e mail from him, in my inbox and the trash - so that I couldn't read them over and over to torture myself. I deleted him and his friends from online networking sites, so that I couldn't get any updates of pictures of him out with friends - and so that he didn't see me doing anything, IF he decided to peek in and I had somehow moved on and went on a date.
I went through my voicemail and deleted his messages... one having been sent only 3 days prior that also replays in my head every night because of sweet and happy he sounded.
So now I'm in a state of limbo. During the day I'm fine, it's the nights where I get miserable and sappy. I've had 2 people express interest, and though I haven't fought them off... their advances are unwanted. For the first time after a break up I'm not bouncing back. I'm not trying to get another boyfriend quick to replace this one. Any other man calling me at night or text messaging me feels like an imposter. It just feels wrong, and awkward... and fake. Their advances anger me in a way - do they really think that after a long term relationship I could just jump back into the swing of things, or show them any sort of interest at all? Annoying.
I want to be alone... and heal...
Oh yeah, and after the break up I cut my hair 5 inches, bought a new blackberry (SO COOL!), just started surgery, and I moved to the big city, with a view of the water and lady liberty herself.
All within the last 7 days... how's that for a quarterlife crisis.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Heads or Tails?
Remember when you were filling out college applications? You'd write/rewrite your essays, then check all the appropriate boxes mindlessly - yet when it came to picking your major you'd hesitate. At least I did. Biology, no premed, no marketing, no no definitely biology, but if i pick blah i'll have a better chance getting in - yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I'm there again, only in the real world.
People keep asking me what field I want to go into. Do I want to go into Internal Medicine or Family medicine? Pediatrics or OBGYN? Surgery or specialization? And every day I decide that I'm definitely going to focus towards one - and change my mind the next. Mainly because the decision lies in financial/personal security - or moral goals that drove me into the field to begin with.
I want to be a doctor because I want to help people. I want to go to places in this world where people can't take care of themselves. I want to organize charities, help distribute clothes, treat people who don't have the luxury of having a doctor nearby and give back to a world that has so much potential. I want all this but sometimes reality hits me - I can't do it feasibly with the perfect cookie cutter life I've envisioned for myself.
I am a woman, and eventually I'll need to get married and have kids. Can I find a husband willing to travel with me? One who doesn't mind the pay cut? What about children - I can't move them around while I go into dangerous surroundings -- let alone HAVING them, an epidural is a MUST, I don't like pain, 3rd world countries don't look to appealing.
Medicine seems to be the best choice for the charitable side of me. It allows me to work in the hospital with the sick - those with common ailments that go bad. It doesn't pay much compared to the other fields unless I start my own practice later in life - and unfortunately will leave most of my debt unpaid until i'm in my 40's it seems. But it would allow me to learn a broad variety of treatments that could allow me to maybe go to these desolate places and help the best I'm able. I would be seeing patients daily, regardless of mood or choice.
Radiology attracts the selfish cookie cutter wannabe mom inside of me. They make a very good salary with the least amount of time away from home. In fact - I could set up office from home while popping out babies and watching soap opera's all day. It has the least interaction with patients and more family time - which as a mother, I would be keen on. But it makes me feel like I would be copping out if I took that route.
Sometimes I try to dream of my future. I'd be doing IM and have my own practice. I'd have picked up some extra specialties like reading xrays (hello more debt and more school), and maybe help with bills by doing botox here and there I'd be travelling to 3rd world countries every summer with my now older children and very disposable husband who's job lets him roam around for 3 months at a time.
Even as I re-read this entry, I still don't think I make any sense. I just need to figure everything out...
I have a doctor's without borders meeting next week - I'll keep this updated.
People keep asking me what field I want to go into. Do I want to go into Internal Medicine or Family medicine? Pediatrics or OBGYN? Surgery or specialization? And every day I decide that I'm definitely going to focus towards one - and change my mind the next. Mainly because the decision lies in financial/personal security - or moral goals that drove me into the field to begin with.
I want to be a doctor because I want to help people. I want to go to places in this world where people can't take care of themselves. I want to organize charities, help distribute clothes, treat people who don't have the luxury of having a doctor nearby and give back to a world that has so much potential. I want all this but sometimes reality hits me - I can't do it feasibly with the perfect cookie cutter life I've envisioned for myself.
I am a woman, and eventually I'll need to get married and have kids. Can I find a husband willing to travel with me? One who doesn't mind the pay cut? What about children - I can't move them around while I go into dangerous surroundings -- let alone HAVING them, an epidural is a MUST, I don't like pain, 3rd world countries don't look to appealing.
Medicine seems to be the best choice for the charitable side of me. It allows me to work in the hospital with the sick - those with common ailments that go bad. It doesn't pay much compared to the other fields unless I start my own practice later in life - and unfortunately will leave most of my debt unpaid until i'm in my 40's it seems. But it would allow me to learn a broad variety of treatments that could allow me to maybe go to these desolate places and help the best I'm able. I would be seeing patients daily, regardless of mood or choice.
Radiology attracts the selfish cookie cutter wannabe mom inside of me. They make a very good salary with the least amount of time away from home. In fact - I could set up office from home while popping out babies and watching soap opera's all day. It has the least interaction with patients and more family time - which as a mother, I would be keen on. But it makes me feel like I would be copping out if I took that route.
Sometimes I try to dream of my future. I'd be doing IM and have my own practice. I'd have picked up some extra specialties like reading xrays (hello more debt and more school), and maybe help with bills by doing botox here and there I'd be travelling to 3rd world countries every summer with my now older children and very disposable husband who's job lets him roam around for 3 months at a time.
Even as I re-read this entry, I still don't think I make any sense. I just need to figure everything out...
I have a doctor's without borders meeting next week - I'll keep this updated.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Annnnd - I'm back
So I've passed my test, let go of insecurities, and have only a year and some change to go in school (yaaaay!).
Lets put up some updates.
- Navy:
Nothing has been the same since I left for chicago. The way things went down while I was studying has changed us. We use to be perfect, at least now when I look back on it, but now we're just... here. My suspicions were correct about the stupid blonde chasing him. They were confirmed by him as well as his friends. He is adamant that nothing went down between them physically and I have chosen to trust him on this. But again, the way things went down during my test were not cool - and I'm starting to realize that as much as I want things to work with him, they probably won't.
My best friend keeps trying to relate it to her sociology class. Something about people of different classes only working when one or the other morphs into the other's class system. She spat out a couple of categories and placed Navy in one and Me in the other. It made sense, I'm more education/white collar while navy is more work/industry oriented. Whereas my whole life has been based on knowing I would always go to college because there was no other option, his has been to get into the working field and make money with a good solid job - he doesn't understand the point of getting a degree.
Long story short, I don't think I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm trying to think things clearly and put everything on the table to analyze my current options, and navy - well navy is trying his hardest to keep me. I don't know if he's realized how shitty I've felt around him or maybe he just senses me closing off - but he's definitely trying.
It's sad, I'm going to hate losing him... but I just don't see this working in the long run.
- School:
It's going well! Much better and less hectic than the first half. I did well on my test, landed one of the best IM sites we have on our curriculum and am headed into surgery soon :). The more I'm in this field the more I'm thinking of doing doctors without borders... we'll see...
nothing else is really going on. There are some side stories which might have been fun to describe had I been blogging during the events, but recaps would be pointless. however, I will try to blog more and yes - hospital drama IS a lot like grey's anatomy :)
Lets put up some updates.
- Navy:
Nothing has been the same since I left for chicago. The way things went down while I was studying has changed us. We use to be perfect, at least now when I look back on it, but now we're just... here. My suspicions were correct about the stupid blonde chasing him. They were confirmed by him as well as his friends. He is adamant that nothing went down between them physically and I have chosen to trust him on this. But again, the way things went down during my test were not cool - and I'm starting to realize that as much as I want things to work with him, they probably won't.
My best friend keeps trying to relate it to her sociology class. Something about people of different classes only working when one or the other morphs into the other's class system. She spat out a couple of categories and placed Navy in one and Me in the other. It made sense, I'm more education/white collar while navy is more work/industry oriented. Whereas my whole life has been based on knowing I would always go to college because there was no other option, his has been to get into the working field and make money with a good solid job - he doesn't understand the point of getting a degree.
Long story short, I don't think I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm trying to think things clearly and put everything on the table to analyze my current options, and navy - well navy is trying his hardest to keep me. I don't know if he's realized how shitty I've felt around him or maybe he just senses me closing off - but he's definitely trying.
It's sad, I'm going to hate losing him... but I just don't see this working in the long run.
- School:
It's going well! Much better and less hectic than the first half. I did well on my test, landed one of the best IM sites we have on our curriculum and am headed into surgery soon :). The more I'm in this field the more I'm thinking of doing doctors without borders... we'll see...
nothing else is really going on. There are some side stories which might have been fun to describe had I been blogging during the events, but recaps would be pointless. however, I will try to blog more and yes - hospital drama IS a lot like grey's anatomy :)
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