Settling

I'm not sure when someone of my gender gets to this point, but it inevitably happens. Something happens that turns a girl who dreams of happy endings with her prince, to a woman who realizes a troll will probably worship her and she won't have to fight other princesses (with less moral character and easily spread thighs) off of him and fear that their happily ever after will end when the prince finds another princess.

I'm just about there.

I think after looking around I've realized a couple of things.

1. men who I am not completely interested in LOVE ME. It's got to be the chase. The less emotionally involved I am with them, the more they do/think about me.
2. when I begin to emotionally become attached to a man, and reciprocate their advances, they slowly disappear.
3. Guys my age are either married (and cheating), divorced, in single phase, or crazy

It seems to me the happiest marriages are those that end up with a beautiful girl and "that guy." You know the one I'm talking about. The one you look at and immediately make up a million reasons why a beautiful girl would end up with HIM. "He's gotta be rich, or have a huge penis, or famous." We've all thought it.

In actuality, it may be because he actually loves her. (or her looks, and she actually loves him)

I'd like to consider myself an 8. I don't think i'm drop dead gorgeous, but I do think I'm above average, and my education/job puts me from a 7 to an 8 on the attainometer. Studies have shown that people tend to go for those that are roughly the same degree of attractive as them. Therefore an 8 will usually settle for another 8, a 4 a 4, and so on and so forth. But do those people stay together?

With what i've seen in the past year of my life in the "real world", the answer is no. The amount of adulterous, DISGUSTING, relationships I see happening under my nose is enough to take any hopes of a fairy tale ending with my handsome, same leveled in attractiveness, prince and stomp them so far into the ground I couldn't possibly dig them out.

Not to mention my not so recent break up with rex that just had me in the dumps and unwilling to enter any relationship that seems even the slightest bit iffy. I am never breaking up with another boy again. the. end.

The recent doctor I spoke about in the blog prior - he for some reason gave me the kind of vibe that he may be a player. Why do I have that vibe? Because he emailed me though the hospital system and basically asked me out without ever having met me in person. My thoughts? If he emails me out of all the people in the whole hospital, who says he's not emailing other people and doing the same. He doesn't call me enough, and for some reason I've written him off because he's 1. too good looking, 2. makes too much money, and 3. too spastic with his contacting me to be someone who is of any value in putting any emotion into.

Scenario 2 comes into play with another doctor, not as good looking, nerdy, but seems to be a little awkward in his attempts at asking me out. My first date with him was horrible, he spoke the whole time, never let me finish a sentence without interrupting, I didn't get his jokes, we stayed out way past my bedtime and he kept making comments about my yawning and him boring me (which he kinda was, but whatever). In this case, however, I have more faith. I see less competition in a case like his, I couldn't imagine anyone fighting me for him, and he's good enough. Who cares if I clicked better with doctor #1, that I'm more attracted to him, or that he dresses and acts more refined than dr #2? The first one is too good to be true and could possibly leave me, and the second would probably treat me like gold.

Lets look at why? Because he's a 4 and I'm an 8. Our scale's are off, his job and stability putting him at maybe a comparable 8. His personality has some quirks, and I probably could eventually fall for him, like I do all my other men, because he is deep down a nice guy. But looks wise, we're far of, and I wouldn't have to worry about him straying far because he wouldn't want any other 4's in his pool. At least I'd hope...

I see myself giving dr #2 the benefit of the doubt, and dr #1 gets written off without a thought.

I see myself possibly settling, and I'm logistically telling myself how this will be a better thing.

I just need to actually become attracted to number 2... Personality is everything - I know this. I keep telling myself that he might have just been nervous our first date - because the first time we met we did actually hit it off. I don't know. I may be settling... and it may be the best thing for me. I'm sick of dating. I'm sick of hurting. And I'm definitely sick of all the other princesses out there sleeping with my very taken princes.

I'll take a troll over these annoyingly deceitful princes any day. A nice one, with a stable bridge, who wouldn't be snatching up any other princesses...

Closure

It's a wonderful thing. Something I guess I've never really fully appreciated till I had dinner with rex over a month and some change ago. Until that moment I thought of him daily, after - I realized that my initial decision to break up was the right one, and I just needed to understand the reasons behind the cold emotionless mailing of my box of shit.

Within a week I stopped thinking about him all the time, and over the past month or so we've drifted to a state of non-communication. But this time, it's not weird, I could contact if I wanted to, I just don't feel the need like I did before.

It seems the new year brought me a wave of men, fate asking me to juggle them and pick one, and just as suddenly as they appear - they're gone.

My male friend from new years moved out of the country, and I have little to no contact with him. I still kinda think, what if, with that one... we did click on a friendship level, he was attractive, smart, and kind. I just put him in friend mode when I first met him (he had a girlfriend - or headed that way with one girl) and never upgraded him to a possibility when he became single.

There was another doctor in the hospital that also started poking around. He is an interesting case I'll have to explain to the blog at some point. Surprisingly as quickly as he came he disappeared - though there might be an explanation to this and the story may not be over yet.

Happily, though, I'm back to my pre-rex state of happiness. I love my job, I love my house, I miss my puppies, and I'm back into the grove and working on the floors (something that others complain about but I love.)

I love what I do, and think I may be a workaholic. I'm forming more bonds with my patients than those in my life - which may be a sort of coping mechanism being so far from my family and thrown into a foreign environment, but it's ok for now.

Thank god for closure - I'm back to being me, and not fixating on why a guy I barely knew sent me a box of my shit after breaking up with him and not talking to me anymore. How petty and stupid it sounds when I realize how meaningless it all was.