I've met my perfect on paper man.
You know, the one that when written down and presented before you sounds like exactly what you would ever dream in finding in a man. The one you made a check list about with your best friend in 7th grade, promising if you ever found him you'd get married in a heartbeat (i use to have "be a virgin" on the list, lol, i scratched that one off).
The one who is a soon to be doctor, from the same culture, has the same interests, likes to party but isn't a big partier, who see's the big picture, knows the world is too big for him but tries to conquer it anyway, the one who loves his family as much as you love yours, knows why his past relationships are in his past, and knows that someone like you is exactly what he needs to have in his future. The one who thinks 10 years in advance, and talks about marriage as a soon to be event, not with dread like the others.
So I found him.
I found him while dating navy to be exact. I developed a crush instantly (the last person that happened with was... actually it was crazy CPE - i didn't like any of the others initially) and looked for him around the hospital during morning rounds, noon conference, and plotted how to sit near him or in a range where he would have to see me. I had a boyfriend so I didn't get too close, nor did I let my rapidly developed crush on him be seen, but I definitely got close enough so that I could keep in contact with him after the rotation ended.
He coincidentally at that time also had a girlfriend (a blonde go figure) who he broke up with about 2 months before I parted ways with navy. So while he was dealing with his break up with her, I was plotting my soon to be ending relationship with navy, and while I've been dealing with my break up with navy he's been slowly calling more, checking in more, and just seeming to be around more.
The thing that gets to me is that usually when I enter a relationship (not that i will be in this situation) the guy is gung ho after me. It's like a drug you can't get enough of. They're always trying to check in, see me, call me, do everything with me - me me me. But this guy -- not so much. I talk to him maybe once a week, he's like me - busy in medical school. He's a year ahead of me, has the same drive and ambition as me, and -- whatever he's perfect on paper.
So sometimes I want him, and sometimes I don't. I'm a very confused little girl. Today I'm post call, which means I've been in the hospital for the past 30 hours doing scut work and fending off CS. I come home, pass out, and today (OF ALL DAYS!) he decides he wants to chat me up - I'm not having it. I can't think of anything to say, I don't feel like talking, I'm happy in my lonely shitty nyc apt and the attention I've been craving from him isn't wanted at the moment...
But he's my perfect on paper, he's the only guy I've ever met and thought to myself "I could marry this guy." (yes I did freak out when I thought about something like that, but I also freaked out last night on call in the NICU when I saw the cute little preme's and though "I want one" - shoot me).
:( gah.
BTW other things I want to blog about - mini note to me
- subway stairs
- upper west side
- nyc tourists.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A surgeon's hands
I've always had some kind of fixation with hands. I like a guy with strong large hands. I don't know how it happened, but after getting to know a guy and while at the point where I'm trying to figure out if I REALLY find him attractive, I stare at his hands... Maybe it has something to do with the hand/penis urban legend. Who knows. I like a firm hand.
Cocky surgeon (mentioned earlier because of my annoyance with his forwardness) has been very unappealing to me. The only reason he seems to get my attention is that he's tall (I'm a sucker for tall guys) and built looking under those scrubs. He will give me his full attention (unwanted most times) at one moment and ignore me the next. He's pretty good at the game, I'll give him that...
So while on call last night, the uncomfortable i'm hitting on you/ignoring you game began. My partner finds it highly amusing, and around 2 am while coming off my caffeine kick, something odd happened.
We were called to place a foley. I was supposed to do it (practice makes perfect) but the pt didn't like the idea of a foley shoved up his penis, and CS (cocky surgeon) ended up doing it. While placing a foley, the environment needs to be sterile. Sterile mat, sterile foley, sterile gloves. When CS was setting up the area I got to watch him put on his gloves.
It was hot.
I only think I found him attractive in that moment (while staring at his uber hot surgeon hands) because I think that's how he was the most comfortable. A surgeon's hands are their life, and while I stood there watching him standing tall in his scrubs, lab coats and gloves - he was exactly where he was going to stay the rest of his life. He was stable in that moment. Maybe that could be it right?
Or I just think tall dr's with latex gloves on are sexy - :)
Later while seeing a case in the ER he hit on me again and the magic was gone.
Pity
Cocky surgeon (mentioned earlier because of my annoyance with his forwardness) has been very unappealing to me. The only reason he seems to get my attention is that he's tall (I'm a sucker for tall guys) and built looking under those scrubs. He will give me his full attention (unwanted most times) at one moment and ignore me the next. He's pretty good at the game, I'll give him that...
So while on call last night, the uncomfortable i'm hitting on you/ignoring you game began. My partner finds it highly amusing, and around 2 am while coming off my caffeine kick, something odd happened.
We were called to place a foley. I was supposed to do it (practice makes perfect) but the pt didn't like the idea of a foley shoved up his penis, and CS (cocky surgeon) ended up doing it. While placing a foley, the environment needs to be sterile. Sterile mat, sterile foley, sterile gloves. When CS was setting up the area I got to watch him put on his gloves.
It was hot.
I only think I found him attractive in that moment (while staring at his uber hot surgeon hands) because I think that's how he was the most comfortable. A surgeon's hands are their life, and while I stood there watching him standing tall in his scrubs, lab coats and gloves - he was exactly where he was going to stay the rest of his life. He was stable in that moment. Maybe that could be it right?
Or I just think tall dr's with latex gloves on are sexy - :)
Later while seeing a case in the ER he hit on me again and the magic was gone.
Pity
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Stop pretending
I need to stop. I am at the peak of self evaluation and self assesment right now. Sometimes I wonder if I'm best to myself when I'm miserable - because I actually take the time to look at myself and figure out what's wrong with me. I start doing things for myself, I start acting for myself, I see myself.
What do I see?
A broken excuse of a girl who is expected to be a woman and understand all aspects of life from a logical and ethical stand point yet has no idea what's going on with herself or those around her.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to become a doctor and have someone's life in my hands, I'm scared of ending up alone and childless (yes I admit it), I'm scared that navy's easy return to singlehood means I'm easily forgettable and meant nothing to him, and I'm scared that in some way I have some kind of social abnormality where only those who aren't close to me like me, but the second I let people in they run away screaming.
I'm scared I'm a complete contradiction and will never be able to fix myself.
I scared that I'm only happy when I'm alone, and that is the only time I take care of myself because it seems that in a relationship I only care about the person I love (which unfortunately isn't me).
I re read old posts and I sound cocky - I'm definitely not. I think maybe it's me talking to myself. Telling myself the reality I should live in. I go through phases where I know how I should be, who I am, and what I'm worth. It seems like it's only those times I blog - not for others to read, but for myself.
I'm SCREAMING at myself that I AM WORTH IT. I AM AMAZING. I DESERVE EVERYTHING I WANT.It's those times when I read, re read, and believe my posts.
I read it as though my mentor is talking to me. Yes, you're right, I do deserve more. How dare anyone see me for less than I am. RAWR. Me strong like bull.
But I'm not cocky nor self assertive. I devalue and put myself down daily. I don't see how amazing I am, I constantly think I could be smarter, prettier, BETTER than I am. I settle on people... navy for example... because they put effort into me, and that means they think I'm special. It takes awhile for the wall to come down, but when it does it's a bitch to rebuild.
Why is this true? Example:
Let's see everything I've done for MYSELF since ending the navy era:
- Cut hair
- Moved to NYC, living alone (though this was already planned in advance... meh)
- Bought nice new super high tech phone
- Started eating healthy
- Joined gym
- Bought the hot pink nail polish I've been craving for 4 months and painted my nails.
- Gave self a mini spa, including waxing and fun facial things I had bought 8 months ago.
I become miserable only when I think of other's images of me, and only think they see the worse. My self esteem is HORRIBLE, even when I have people constantly telling me how beautiful, smart, giving... etc, I am. I don't know why I don't believe them. Maybe I think they have to say that. I guess I take it for granted. I find myself blogging about how so and so hit on me and how it annoys me - why don't I appreciate the attention I get? Why do I brush it off and then wonder why I'm alone? Why do I break up with someone knowing its never going to go anywhere, and becoming upset that he's not broken after I left?
GAH!
Therefore I demand you all love me. Now. I mean it. I am amazing. Can't you see? I know everythiing, and I know I'm awesome. :)
Good now that we all see eye to eye... I'll leave you to think of me.
Always.
Me.
ME ME ME.
What do I see?
A broken excuse of a girl who is expected to be a woman and understand all aspects of life from a logical and ethical stand point yet has no idea what's going on with herself or those around her.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to become a doctor and have someone's life in my hands, I'm scared of ending up alone and childless (yes I admit it), I'm scared that navy's easy return to singlehood means I'm easily forgettable and meant nothing to him, and I'm scared that in some way I have some kind of social abnormality where only those who aren't close to me like me, but the second I let people in they run away screaming.
I'm scared I'm a complete contradiction and will never be able to fix myself.
I scared that I'm only happy when I'm alone, and that is the only time I take care of myself because it seems that in a relationship I only care about the person I love (which unfortunately isn't me).
I re read old posts and I sound cocky - I'm definitely not. I think maybe it's me talking to myself. Telling myself the reality I should live in. I go through phases where I know how I should be, who I am, and what I'm worth. It seems like it's only those times I blog - not for others to read, but for myself.
I'm SCREAMING at myself that I AM WORTH IT. I AM AMAZING. I DESERVE EVERYTHING I WANT.It's those times when I read, re read, and believe my posts.
I read it as though my mentor is talking to me. Yes, you're right, I do deserve more. How dare anyone see me for less than I am. RAWR. Me strong like bull.
But I'm not cocky nor self assertive. I devalue and put myself down daily. I don't see how amazing I am, I constantly think I could be smarter, prettier, BETTER than I am. I settle on people... navy for example... because they put effort into me, and that means they think I'm special. It takes awhile for the wall to come down, but when it does it's a bitch to rebuild.
Why is this true? Example:
Let's see everything I've done for MYSELF since ending the navy era:
- Cut hair
- Moved to NYC, living alone (though this was already planned in advance... meh)
- Bought nice new super high tech phone
- Started eating healthy
- Joined gym
- Bought the hot pink nail polish I've been craving for 4 months and painted my nails.
- Gave self a mini spa, including waxing and fun facial things I had bought 8 months ago.
I become miserable only when I think of other's images of me, and only think they see the worse. My self esteem is HORRIBLE, even when I have people constantly telling me how beautiful, smart, giving... etc, I am. I don't know why I don't believe them. Maybe I think they have to say that. I guess I take it for granted. I find myself blogging about how so and so hit on me and how it annoys me - why don't I appreciate the attention I get? Why do I brush it off and then wonder why I'm alone? Why do I break up with someone knowing its never going to go anywhere, and becoming upset that he's not broken after I left?
GAH!
Therefore I demand you all love me. Now. I mean it. I am amazing. Can't you see? I know everythiing, and I know I'm awesome. :)
Good now that we all see eye to eye... I'll leave you to think of me.
Always.
Me.
ME ME ME.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Birthday
I am trying very hard not to let my jealousy get to navy. I asked him not to call me after the break up and I haven't contacted him. I don't want to play games with him, and I'm good at those. Sometimes my pride steps in and I just want to win. I want to make sure it's me they always want... and that sucks. It's not right, and it's not fair - I know it, and I'm trying not to let it happen.
But his birthday is coming up, and I do love him - though I'm not in love with him, I care about him a lot. I've been debating contacting him. Just because it'll open up a bottle of worms that I don't know if I want or am ready to clean up. I want him to forget me in a way and find someone else, but I want him to understand I care about him, a lot, and although we're not speaking at the moment eventually, after I'm past all this, I want a friendship.
I've decided a text message is the best method.
Now the context of the text message is a biggie. There are variations I can send...
1. Happy birthday
- non personal, no emotion, and may seem like i'm just sending it to send it
2. Happy birthday dimples
- more personal, pet name may be taken the wrong way, or may make him smile, shows i care
3. Happy birthday dimples, love you
- games. games games games. how I feel but will definitely cause drama. May or may not get a response... but shows that i still care about him.
I'm siding with 2, but I keep wanting to send 3.
I suck
But his birthday is coming up, and I do love him - though I'm not in love with him, I care about him a lot. I've been debating contacting him. Just because it'll open up a bottle of worms that I don't know if I want or am ready to clean up. I want him to forget me in a way and find someone else, but I want him to understand I care about him, a lot, and although we're not speaking at the moment eventually, after I'm past all this, I want a friendship.
I've decided a text message is the best method.
Now the context of the text message is a biggie. There are variations I can send...
1. Happy birthday
- non personal, no emotion, and may seem like i'm just sending it to send it
2. Happy birthday dimples
- more personal, pet name may be taken the wrong way, or may make him smile, shows i care
3. Happy birthday dimples, love you
- games. games games games. how I feel but will definitely cause drama. May or may not get a response... but shows that i still care about him.
I'm siding with 2, but I keep wanting to send 3.
I suck
Friday, May 16, 2008
I discriminate
Surgeons have a 200% divorce rate.
Yes, that means they get married, divorced, married again and then divorced again.
Surgeons are horny.
I was warned about them prior to this rotation. One of my interns in medicine was dealing with her break up from this amazing rising surgeon rotating through hopkins. Apparently he went from her to one of her good friends - a very messy situation.
Day one of my rotation I could tell by the looks I was getting that everything I heard about surgeons are true. Not only have I heard about certain residencies priding themselves on 100% of the surgeons entering their system getting divorced (and being proud of it), but I've seen the cocky I want to get in your pants routine way too often this past week.
Last night on call I was unfortunately on call with an intern who decided that I was going to be the fresh meat he would try to tackle first. Within minutes of free time (around 12am) he was trying to establish if i was dating my partner (this guy from basics I've known since the beginning), if I had a boyfriend, and what I was doing tonight (friday night).
I avoided the boyfriend question, my partner and I laughed about the two of us being together, and I attempted to be vague about my whereabouts last night. Unfortunately the intern had other ideas. Seeing as how he wasn't getting anywhere by asking questions when the medical students were around him together (we usually do things by teams btw - and I would let my partner answer all questions) he cornered me in the on call room when my partner left to get some water.
Scene: On call room, 3 beds (tiny), me curled up - face covered,
Intern: so you coming out tomorrow night?
Me: I don't know yet
Intern: come on, lets go out, I'm inviting you
Me: I mean, I'm living _______ so if I headed out there I'd probably have [my partner] find me a place to sleep - I'm too suburban for this city, everything scares me - especially at 4 AM
Intern: How about you can sleep at my place?
Me: Umm... we'll see what happens
Intern: (i don't really remember what he said) *insert guilt trip here about him being my intern and inviting me out and blah blah*
Me: ok ok ok I'll try
later:
Me: *informing partner of what happened* cover for me
Partner: shit, i'll just say I couldn't come pick you up
Me: don't give him my number
Partner: Don't be mean, he's going to be grading you
Me: shit.
The unfortunate thing is that this guy is uber smart and tall (not very attractive, but I'm trying to stay away from hot guys, they always end up being too stupid for me) and had he gone about asking me out the normal way, like saaaaaaaaaay dinner, I would have probably accepted - rebound dates are awesome when you've just broke up with someone. But him trying to get me to some ritzy club in nyc and planning on taking me back to his place afterwards after only being on call with me for 3 hours makes me think he's not being very sincere in his actions.
I don't like being treated like a piece of meat. A guy who attempt to get to know me prior to taking actions on my looks goes much further than a guy who I can see staring at my ass a mile away.
I'm staying away from surgeons from now on. Their reputations seem to be too true for my liking - I don't need that right now.
Yes, that means they get married, divorced, married again and then divorced again.
Surgeons are horny.
I was warned about them prior to this rotation. One of my interns in medicine was dealing with her break up from this amazing rising surgeon rotating through hopkins. Apparently he went from her to one of her good friends - a very messy situation.
Day one of my rotation I could tell by the looks I was getting that everything I heard about surgeons are true. Not only have I heard about certain residencies priding themselves on 100% of the surgeons entering their system getting divorced (and being proud of it), but I've seen the cocky I want to get in your pants routine way too often this past week.
Last night on call I was unfortunately on call with an intern who decided that I was going to be the fresh meat he would try to tackle first. Within minutes of free time (around 12am) he was trying to establish if i was dating my partner (this guy from basics I've known since the beginning), if I had a boyfriend, and what I was doing tonight (friday night).
I avoided the boyfriend question, my partner and I laughed about the two of us being together, and I attempted to be vague about my whereabouts last night. Unfortunately the intern had other ideas. Seeing as how he wasn't getting anywhere by asking questions when the medical students were around him together (we usually do things by teams btw - and I would let my partner answer all questions) he cornered me in the on call room when my partner left to get some water.
Scene: On call room, 3 beds (tiny), me curled up - face covered,
Intern: so you coming out tomorrow night?
Me: I don't know yet
Intern: come on, lets go out, I'm inviting you
Me: I mean, I'm living _______ so if I headed out there I'd probably have [my partner] find me a place to sleep - I'm too suburban for this city, everything scares me - especially at 4 AM
Intern: How about you can sleep at my place?
Me: Umm... we'll see what happens
Intern: (i don't really remember what he said) *insert guilt trip here about him being my intern and inviting me out and blah blah*
Me: ok ok ok I'll try
later:
Me: *informing partner of what happened* cover for me
Partner: shit, i'll just say I couldn't come pick you up
Me: don't give him my number
Partner: Don't be mean, he's going to be grading you
Me: shit.
The unfortunate thing is that this guy is uber smart and tall (not very attractive, but I'm trying to stay away from hot guys, they always end up being too stupid for me) and had he gone about asking me out the normal way, like saaaaaaaaaay dinner, I would have probably accepted - rebound dates are awesome when you've just broke up with someone. But him trying to get me to some ritzy club in nyc and planning on taking me back to his place afterwards after only being on call with me for 3 hours makes me think he's not being very sincere in his actions.
I don't like being treated like a piece of meat. A guy who attempt to get to know me prior to taking actions on my looks goes much further than a guy who I can see staring at my ass a mile away.
I'm staying away from surgeons from now on. Their reputations seem to be too true for my liking - I don't need that right now.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Reality
So here's what I actually think everyday when I'm not alone and thinking about the weight of the world of my shoulders. I've only had about 1-2 weak moments (I've blogged both thank you) and honestly, I think I've taken this break up amazingly well. Point being:
I love navy, but I don't want to be with him and don't see a future with him.
Many of the things he does annoy me. Since the beginning of the relationship he never answered any questions right. When asked what his plan was for the rest of his life I got silence. "You know that's not like me, I always have a plan, I guess I have to think about it," was his response... I guess he's still thinking... He was anal, stubborn, and didn't think outside the box. Everything had to be planned, and he never wanted to do spontaneous fun things liiiike - randomly go for a drive the scenic route, or go snowboarding instead of being holed up all day.
Our conversations were dull, he only liked to talk about sports, hated discussing politics, would never talk about his day, didn't gossip, and found no interest in the medical field at all. When I would learn something new he would never let me talk about it, he would yawn or tell me he didn't want to hear about gross things like that. I wasn't allowed to practice physical exams on him because they would freak him out. He didn't understand when I had to study, and the classes he was taking he didn't care about - I think he earned C's in them. I was mortified that someone didn't care what their grade in a class would be.
After awhile I realized yes, he did work very hard to get me, but then when he got me it took only about a month and a half before he didn't really "care" anymore. Or should I say, he stopped trying and was just... there. That was around october... and since then it's been a battle. From then forward it was me reaching for him, not a happy medium or give and take. I eventually got sick of it and tried to break it off...
but the problem was that I still loved him, and when his big all american blue eyes that never cry looked at me red and brimming with tears... I knew I wouldn't be able to stay true to the break up.
That night I told my best friend that if anyone was going to end navy and my relationship, it would have to be navy. I was just going to scout for something new in the mean time.
I guess I did scout a little, I'd get crushes here and there, but navy was still number 1. It wasn't a factor of if navy and I would end, but when. But during that time I realized, I can't deal with going from this to something else. I had amazingly attractive smart guys who didn't know about navy trying to talk to me - and I couldn't bring myself to be THAT girl. The one that went from one thing to another.
Towards the last month navy began to see the inevitable end. He tried harder, did things for me he usually didn't but he knew would get brownie points for, but eventually I think he gave in too.
Last night I went on a networking site after speaking to his mother and scouted his page. I'm proud to announce that although seeing the pretty tiny little blonde's messages on there gushing about how she had a great weekend with him hurt - it was just reality. I hope she's nice, and I'm happy that he's able to get himself out there. It showed me that this was where he needed to be. He was a chaser, he still into mainly sexual interests, and I'm - i'm not. I'm looking for someone I can marry - not someone I can just fuck.
I really do love him, I really do want the best for him, and I know that he's just not the right guy for me. I just hate that I still feel jealous for a guy that hasn't really been my boyfriend for such a long time, and happy for him at the same time.
I just don't get it.
I love navy, but I don't want to be with him and don't see a future with him.
Many of the things he does annoy me. Since the beginning of the relationship he never answered any questions right. When asked what his plan was for the rest of his life I got silence. "You know that's not like me, I always have a plan, I guess I have to think about it," was his response... I guess he's still thinking... He was anal, stubborn, and didn't think outside the box. Everything had to be planned, and he never wanted to do spontaneous fun things liiiike - randomly go for a drive the scenic route, or go snowboarding instead of being holed up all day.
Our conversations were dull, he only liked to talk about sports, hated discussing politics, would never talk about his day, didn't gossip, and found no interest in the medical field at all. When I would learn something new he would never let me talk about it, he would yawn or tell me he didn't want to hear about gross things like that. I wasn't allowed to practice physical exams on him because they would freak him out. He didn't understand when I had to study, and the classes he was taking he didn't care about - I think he earned C's in them. I was mortified that someone didn't care what their grade in a class would be.
After awhile I realized yes, he did work very hard to get me, but then when he got me it took only about a month and a half before he didn't really "care" anymore. Or should I say, he stopped trying and was just... there. That was around october... and since then it's been a battle. From then forward it was me reaching for him, not a happy medium or give and take. I eventually got sick of it and tried to break it off...
but the problem was that I still loved him, and when his big all american blue eyes that never cry looked at me red and brimming with tears... I knew I wouldn't be able to stay true to the break up.
That night I told my best friend that if anyone was going to end navy and my relationship, it would have to be navy. I was just going to scout for something new in the mean time.
I guess I did scout a little, I'd get crushes here and there, but navy was still number 1. It wasn't a factor of if navy and I would end, but when. But during that time I realized, I can't deal with going from this to something else. I had amazingly attractive smart guys who didn't know about navy trying to talk to me - and I couldn't bring myself to be THAT girl. The one that went from one thing to another.
Towards the last month navy began to see the inevitable end. He tried harder, did things for me he usually didn't but he knew would get brownie points for, but eventually I think he gave in too.
Last night I went on a networking site after speaking to his mother and scouted his page. I'm proud to announce that although seeing the pretty tiny little blonde's messages on there gushing about how she had a great weekend with him hurt - it was just reality. I hope she's nice, and I'm happy that he's able to get himself out there. It showed me that this was where he needed to be. He was a chaser, he still into mainly sexual interests, and I'm - i'm not. I'm looking for someone I can marry - not someone I can just fuck.
I really do love him, I really do want the best for him, and I know that he's just not the right guy for me. I just hate that I still feel jealous for a guy that hasn't really been my boyfriend for such a long time, and happy for him at the same time.
I just don't get it.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Navy's mom
I would repost the e mail she'd sent me when she found out navy and I broke up, but i deleted it to prevent myself from torturing myself with it.
However I've told myself to type in here instead of bitching to friends whenever anything navy related goes down sooo...
Tonight I called navy's mom to get her e mail to send her some pictures i had from when their family came to visit. The pictures hadn't been going through, and i wanted them off my phone. I definitely thought i could handle it. I definitely couldn't. I definitely cried (cringe) and tried to hide it miserably. She told me she thought i was going to be her daughter in law, and that her son was a moron. I told her it was for the best and that he needed this time to be single and do everything he had to before he met the girl he was going to marry. She told me she was framing a picture to put up of me and him from when he was in his uniform for him to see when he came home. I told her that probably wasn't a very good idea.
Whenever I think about how shitty navy was at times, I'm happy I'm no longer with him. But then I let myself remind myself how cute he was sometimes, and I miss it.
I am so freaking up and down. Who breaks up with a guy she still loves but knows she definitely doesn't want to be with?!
However I've told myself to type in here instead of bitching to friends whenever anything navy related goes down sooo...
Tonight I called navy's mom to get her e mail to send her some pictures i had from when their family came to visit. The pictures hadn't been going through, and i wanted them off my phone. I definitely thought i could handle it. I definitely couldn't. I definitely cried (cringe) and tried to hide it miserably. She told me she thought i was going to be her daughter in law, and that her son was a moron. I told her it was for the best and that he needed this time to be single and do everything he had to before he met the girl he was going to marry. She told me she was framing a picture to put up of me and him from when he was in his uniform for him to see when he came home. I told her that probably wasn't a very good idea.
Whenever I think about how shitty navy was at times, I'm happy I'm no longer with him. But then I let myself remind myself how cute he was sometimes, and I miss it.
I am so freaking up and down. Who breaks up with a guy she still loves but knows she definitely doesn't want to be with?!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Bye bye Navy
I've been prolonging writing this blog - though now I feel like it would've been much more interesting for me to come back to if I wrote daily after the break up.
I broke up with navy exactly one week ago, on a monday morning, over the phone, and haven't spoken to him since.
I think it was mutual...
I could fill this blog with why i should have and all the reasons why it's right, but I've decided to do the harder thing and tell you why it hurts. I haven't let myself see that, and it's so much easier to type this out to an annoymous group of people vs. telling a friend who probably wouldn't understand or want to hear my complaints anyway - because it's right, and because everyone's happy I've finally dumped him... mutually... we broke up mutually - i think he wanted it too...
So here we go:
It hurts because for a year and a half I loved him.
It hurts because he tried so hard to get me, and eventually didn't care that he was losing me.
It hurts because I love his dimples, and poking them while he puffed out his cheeks to hide them from me.
It hurts because his mother e mailed me the day of the break-up telling me i was a part of her family, and she was hurt and shocked that we were not together.
It hurts because I couldn't talk to her about it.
It hurts because I don't want to see him with anyone other than myself, I can't see him touching another girl, kissing her, or saying anything to her that I want to hear him tell me.
It hurts because I love him, even though we would never have a future together.
It hurts because I want to be with him, but know nothing has changed, and that I need to walk away and let him be with another girl so that he and I can both be happier.
It hurts, and I haven't let anyone see it.
It hurts because it's the first time I've really loved someone and walked away because it's for the best.
I haven't let anyone see me cry. When I tell people we broke up and they clap and exclaim "finally!" or "good!" or "thank god, you can do so much better" I shrug and give a little smile. I haven't called him, and asked him never to call me. I can still hear him whispering into the phone after I told him it would be easier "I can't promise that." I can't forget him staying those 4 words. They repeat in my head every night before bed.
I deleted every e mail from him, in my inbox and the trash - so that I couldn't read them over and over to torture myself. I deleted him and his friends from online networking sites, so that I couldn't get any updates of pictures of him out with friends - and so that he didn't see me doing anything, IF he decided to peek in and I had somehow moved on and went on a date.
I went through my voicemail and deleted his messages... one having been sent only 3 days prior that also replays in my head every night because of sweet and happy he sounded.
So now I'm in a state of limbo. During the day I'm fine, it's the nights where I get miserable and sappy. I've had 2 people express interest, and though I haven't fought them off... their advances are unwanted. For the first time after a break up I'm not bouncing back. I'm not trying to get another boyfriend quick to replace this one. Any other man calling me at night or text messaging me feels like an imposter. It just feels wrong, and awkward... and fake. Their advances anger me in a way - do they really think that after a long term relationship I could just jump back into the swing of things, or show them any sort of interest at all? Annoying.
I want to be alone... and heal...
Oh yeah, and after the break up I cut my hair 5 inches, bought a new blackberry (SO COOL!), just started surgery, and I moved to the big city, with a view of the water and lady liberty herself.
All within the last 7 days... how's that for a quarterlife crisis.
I broke up with navy exactly one week ago, on a monday morning, over the phone, and haven't spoken to him since.
I think it was mutual...
I could fill this blog with why i should have and all the reasons why it's right, but I've decided to do the harder thing and tell you why it hurts. I haven't let myself see that, and it's so much easier to type this out to an annoymous group of people vs. telling a friend who probably wouldn't understand or want to hear my complaints anyway - because it's right, and because everyone's happy I've finally dumped him... mutually... we broke up mutually - i think he wanted it too...
So here we go:
It hurts because for a year and a half I loved him.
It hurts because he tried so hard to get me, and eventually didn't care that he was losing me.
It hurts because I love his dimples, and poking them while he puffed out his cheeks to hide them from me.
It hurts because his mother e mailed me the day of the break-up telling me i was a part of her family, and she was hurt and shocked that we were not together.
It hurts because I couldn't talk to her about it.
It hurts because I don't want to see him with anyone other than myself, I can't see him touching another girl, kissing her, or saying anything to her that I want to hear him tell me.
It hurts because I love him, even though we would never have a future together.
It hurts because I want to be with him, but know nothing has changed, and that I need to walk away and let him be with another girl so that he and I can both be happier.
It hurts, and I haven't let anyone see it.
It hurts because it's the first time I've really loved someone and walked away because it's for the best.
I haven't let anyone see me cry. When I tell people we broke up and they clap and exclaim "finally!" or "good!" or "thank god, you can do so much better" I shrug and give a little smile. I haven't called him, and asked him never to call me. I can still hear him whispering into the phone after I told him it would be easier "I can't promise that." I can't forget him staying those 4 words. They repeat in my head every night before bed.
I deleted every e mail from him, in my inbox and the trash - so that I couldn't read them over and over to torture myself. I deleted him and his friends from online networking sites, so that I couldn't get any updates of pictures of him out with friends - and so that he didn't see me doing anything, IF he decided to peek in and I had somehow moved on and went on a date.
I went through my voicemail and deleted his messages... one having been sent only 3 days prior that also replays in my head every night because of sweet and happy he sounded.
So now I'm in a state of limbo. During the day I'm fine, it's the nights where I get miserable and sappy. I've had 2 people express interest, and though I haven't fought them off... their advances are unwanted. For the first time after a break up I'm not bouncing back. I'm not trying to get another boyfriend quick to replace this one. Any other man calling me at night or text messaging me feels like an imposter. It just feels wrong, and awkward... and fake. Their advances anger me in a way - do they really think that after a long term relationship I could just jump back into the swing of things, or show them any sort of interest at all? Annoying.
I want to be alone... and heal...
Oh yeah, and after the break up I cut my hair 5 inches, bought a new blackberry (SO COOL!), just started surgery, and I moved to the big city, with a view of the water and lady liberty herself.
All within the last 7 days... how's that for a quarterlife crisis.
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