I don't want to lose navy. He worked hard to make me realize I loved him (no really, he did). I sat down and thought about my options regarding what I could do about the situation.
I can fight for him, or I can do what I've always been doing and let him become more and more distant till he's gone.
So I decided to fight for him.
This past week I've seen him at least 4 times, including 2 sleepovers (btw, freaking out the whole time thinking about how I needed to study). Slowly over the week he's becoming more like his old self, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I made sure I never brought up any of our fights, attempted to be light hearted, and - oh yeah - no talking about my test.
At first he was (or seemed) happy that I could spend more time with him, validating why I should by saying I needed time away from the books -- but over the course of the week, vs. hearing about my freak outs, he "saw" how much the test was on my mind.
On situation arose when my study buddy called me asking what I'd gotten done the day before, I left the room so he didn't have to hear me, but I guess he followed me out and heard the conversation determining I was behind schedule. I was disappointed with myself and gave myself time to compose "happy me" again. Navy walked in with me, sitting on the bed, somber, clutching my schedule, and muttering about how I was going to catch up. At that moment I think he realized how much shit I really had going on.
Then he turned into old navy *insert mushy stuff here*, and later called me to check in on my progress (unheard of) and sent me cute little text messages in support.
Now - I know this is only a temporary fix, but something I deemed necessary for our relationship. I was really scared I was going to lose him - and I just wanted to remind him how good we are together.
My thoughts currently lay with what happens after my test, where my clinicals will be - and if we can last the long distance.
As of right now, I unfortunately think we won't - he's young, hot, and has stupid blondes after him, but I am trying to be optimistic and not cross that bridge before I come to it.
I really do love him...
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
In an effort to save my sanity
You will now start hearing me cry about my boyfriend. All kidding aside - I think I might have lost navy in the last month.
Navy came to where I live after we started dating. He came, had a few friends from before the move, and luckily - they were intertwined to my friends which made us all one big happy family. I trusted this group of friends, and while I was on my own studying and he was out with them I had no doubt in my mind that navy was doing his own thing. I had a trust with him that never made me question anything he was doing.
Then when I went on a recent trip (lasting a month and a half) navy changed. It started with a fight he picked with me. He told me that a girl on his softball team was also dating a medical student (2 years) and how their relationship was breaking, and that it was due to the long distance. He became defensive and stubborn - a side of him I'd never seen. Up until that moment navy and I had probably had maybe 3 huge fights in the span of 9 months. After that date - they became more regular.
I started to place blame on the girl he'd spoken to after seeing her facebook picture and realizing she was a cute little blonde. (I have had bad run ins with cute little blondes stealing my boyfriends). I tell navy of my wandering mind, and he assures me that it's nothing. Though I still had nagging thoughts in my head, I push them aside thinking that my test in making me paranoid. Then navy starts being shady with me when telling me where he's going or who he's hanging out with. Though I let myself believe I was being paranoid I met him out one night recently where he told me he was meeting a guy to watch a game - and ran into him and his new group of buddies, blonde included.
I asked him if when he lied to me he thought he was protecting me - he replied he didn't want me to know she was there because he didn't want it to be awkward.
It hurt my pride that he lied to me to hang out with said girl, since I've been so careful as to establish trust between us, not witholding anything from him. It also hurt because he knew I had weird feelings towards her before - and now I definitely have weird feelings about her seeing as to how my boyfriend will lie to me about hanging out with her.
Though I trust that navy would never cheat on me, it doesn't mean that he might not like this other girl - who is blonder, a bigger partier, goes out vs. stays in, has a job, etc, and that he might see something in her more appealing than me - his hermit of a girlfriend who still has almost 5 years of schooling left in her.
Regardless his attitude towards me has changed in little ways. No more long talks we use to enjoy, no more cute e mails, no more fun date ideas, nothing - now, more snapping, annoyed glances and bickering.
I feel that because I put my education first, I've lost him in the process - if I had gone out to see his softball games, saw him more that one day a week, if I had been a little different these past months - maybe I wouldn't be thinking this way, and maybe I wouldn't be losing him.
I'm waiting until my test to see how we are after. But this doesn't look good, and I'm sad when thinking of what may come.
Navy came to where I live after we started dating. He came, had a few friends from before the move, and luckily - they were intertwined to my friends which made us all one big happy family. I trusted this group of friends, and while I was on my own studying and he was out with them I had no doubt in my mind that navy was doing his own thing. I had a trust with him that never made me question anything he was doing.
Then when I went on a recent trip (lasting a month and a half) navy changed. It started with a fight he picked with me. He told me that a girl on his softball team was also dating a medical student (2 years) and how their relationship was breaking, and that it was due to the long distance. He became defensive and stubborn - a side of him I'd never seen. Up until that moment navy and I had probably had maybe 3 huge fights in the span of 9 months. After that date - they became more regular.
I started to place blame on the girl he'd spoken to after seeing her facebook picture and realizing she was a cute little blonde. (I have had bad run ins with cute little blondes stealing my boyfriends). I tell navy of my wandering mind, and he assures me that it's nothing. Though I still had nagging thoughts in my head, I push them aside thinking that my test in making me paranoid. Then navy starts being shady with me when telling me where he's going or who he's hanging out with. Though I let myself believe I was being paranoid I met him out one night recently where he told me he was meeting a guy to watch a game - and ran into him and his new group of buddies, blonde included.
I asked him if when he lied to me he thought he was protecting me - he replied he didn't want me to know she was there because he didn't want it to be awkward.
It hurt my pride that he lied to me to hang out with said girl, since I've been so careful as to establish trust between us, not witholding anything from him. It also hurt because he knew I had weird feelings towards her before - and now I definitely have weird feelings about her seeing as to how my boyfriend will lie to me about hanging out with her.
Though I trust that navy would never cheat on me, it doesn't mean that he might not like this other girl - who is blonder, a bigger partier, goes out vs. stays in, has a job, etc, and that he might see something in her more appealing than me - his hermit of a girlfriend who still has almost 5 years of schooling left in her.
Regardless his attitude towards me has changed in little ways. No more long talks we use to enjoy, no more cute e mails, no more fun date ideas, nothing - now, more snapping, annoyed glances and bickering.
I feel that because I put my education first, I've lost him in the process - if I had gone out to see his softball games, saw him more that one day a week, if I had been a little different these past months - maybe I wouldn't be thinking this way, and maybe I wouldn't be losing him.
I'm waiting until my test to see how we are after. But this doesn't look good, and I'm sad when thinking of what may come.
Monday, December 3, 2007
And then there was the long awaited reply
A friend wrote me awhile back seeking advice in his confusion over why he hadn't found the perfect woman even though he had stopped being an ass and sleeping with countless numbers of them. I stumbled across this reply I wrote him after he replied over a month later. Though his questions and replies will be kept between us, I liked what I had to say and decided to pass it on. Enjoy :)!
We (and by we I mean those like you and myself) seem to always get side-tracked easily. We tend to let that which make us an individual be replaced by that which we think will make us happy.
We sometimes think that someone or something will define us. We let ourselves date people who aren't compatible with us, because we had once found someone similar to our nature, and found happiness with them. We think that anyone can take their place, because a body
sleeping next to you, is just a body sleeping next to you. Who needs them to talk when you can make enough conversation for the both of you right?
So we date the masses, and become bored with their lack there of month after month. There are many who will take their spot because you, like I, have an amazing personality and a confidence people fear. Soon we start to see those around us as only bodies, and instead of
searching for another like minded individual, begin to shut out the world.
I shut out the world, and I did so gladly, to my studies. I had no time for men, nor the thoughts of them. I played with a couple bodies, and tried to convince myself they had minds - but eventually convinced myself it was hopeless. Around that time I met Navy. He was a body, not a mind, but I've learned he was filled with things that a mind doesn't always appreciate until it presents itself in a selfless manner. I needed what he was filled with to bring me out of whatever hole I had dug myself. Something that was kind, patient, and strong. The more I look at the mind's around me, be those in the hospital, the library, old friends, the more I can see that I would never really work with any of them.
I have a mind, and I will be the first to say I have a large competitive streak. Those that counter me will usually get a shrug as a reply, showing how much I doubt/don't care about their opinion - yet hours later I will look up the subject of interest to ease my curiosity as to whom was correct. I then looked back to all the relationships I've ever had. Non of my long term relationships had what I would consider a strong "mind". They were all smart in their own way's however, my first boyfriend could sing, my second - he had street smarts, the third... the third was a fighter and finally the current - he knows too much to list that I could never counter.
So here's my reply to you:
No, you don't want to be alone. You want to have the same happiness you feel whenever you fall into your infatuations. However, I do feel like you might be looking in the wrong places. Instead of looking at all the mind's around you - start with the body. If the body is to your liking, see what else it may hold. Don't lead the conversations to where you want them to go, let them lead you. No expectations, no regrets.
oh yeah, and if you want to have sex do it for pete's sake! You probably have enough tension to bring down the wall of china!
:) k?
like totally awesome dude *twirls hair*
me.
We (and by we I mean those like you and myself) seem to always get side-tracked easily. We tend to let that which make us an individual be replaced by that which we think will make us happy.
We sometimes think that someone or something will define us. We let ourselves date people who aren't compatible with us, because we had once found someone similar to our nature, and found happiness with them. We think that anyone can take their place, because a body
sleeping next to you, is just a body sleeping next to you. Who needs them to talk when you can make enough conversation for the both of you right?
So we date the masses, and become bored with their lack there of month after month. There are many who will take their spot because you, like I, have an amazing personality and a confidence people fear. Soon we start to see those around us as only bodies, and instead of
searching for another like minded individual, begin to shut out the world.
I shut out the world, and I did so gladly, to my studies. I had no time for men, nor the thoughts of them. I played with a couple bodies, and tried to convince myself they had minds - but eventually convinced myself it was hopeless. Around that time I met Navy. He was a body, not a mind, but I've learned he was filled with things that a mind doesn't always appreciate until it presents itself in a selfless manner. I needed what he was filled with to bring me out of whatever hole I had dug myself. Something that was kind, patient, and strong. The more I look at the mind's around me, be those in the hospital, the library, old friends, the more I can see that I would never really work with any of them.
I have a mind, and I will be the first to say I have a large competitive streak. Those that counter me will usually get a shrug as a reply, showing how much I doubt/don't care about their opinion - yet hours later I will look up the subject of interest to ease my curiosity as to whom was correct. I then looked back to all the relationships I've ever had. Non of my long term relationships had what I would consider a strong "mind". They were all smart in their own way's however, my first boyfriend could sing, my second - he had street smarts, the third... the third was a fighter and finally the current - he knows too much to list that I could never counter.
So here's my reply to you:
No, you don't want to be alone. You want to have the same happiness you feel whenever you fall into your infatuations. However, I do feel like you might be looking in the wrong places. Instead of looking at all the mind's around you - start with the body. If the body is to your liking, see what else it may hold. Don't lead the conversations to where you want them to go, let them lead you. No expectations, no regrets.
oh yeah, and if you want to have sex do it for pete's sake! You probably have enough tension to bring down the wall of china!
:) k?
like totally awesome dude *twirls hair*
me.
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