I don't know what to write.
I'm studying for yet another test in the millions required of my career. I can't bring myself to focus.
Have I stopped caring?
I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I don't know if I want to do anything anymore. I'm so tired of sacrificing my happiness for people who feel entitled for my training... and treat me like dirt.
I miss being appreciated.
I miss moniker.
I miss my family.
I miss my dogs.
I miss sleeping in.
I miss snow days.
I miss weekends.
I miss my 20's... I never got to live them anyway.
Am I going to have time to have a family?
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Is this it?
Medicine has made me forget who I am. Instead of the young hopeful doctor who thrives to help people, I've become a scared bitter individual who caters to the wants (not NEEDS) of people for fear of retribution. I have written countless rants on the blogger editor which will never see the light of virtual day due to fears of HIPAA, or my identity being ousted.
I'm tired.
I turned 30 this year. I have officially missed my 20's. My carefully planned life is about to climax and I'm too tired and poor to do anything I had hopes of accomplishing. My 6 day, 12 hour minimum work days are taking their toll. I have found my first grey(s), fearfully noted my first facial wrinkles, and would rather sleep than take advantage of amazing weather with a hike.
My parents have my pups because it wasn't fair to keep them locked up in the house while I worked my CRAZY hours, and I miss them. So I got a hamster, he died with a horrible cancer eating at his tiny face a little over a year after I got him. You can't make this up.
I avoid the TV, because any mention of how much doctors make by lawmakers with an agenda makes me angry. I just can't take any more stress.
I luckily stumbled upon the perfect man, and am happily headed towards my white picket fence and 2.5 children. Don't mind the $350k in debt, it's just a mortgage on my brain, I can probably pay it off by the time I'm 40 if they don't cut my potential earnings for dedicating my life to medicine.
I guess I just need to vent. Sometimes I dream about leaving the US and going to a country with a lack of doctors to treat people who actually need and appreciate me. This really is a thank-less job. I actually almost cried the last time I was told thank you by one of my patients.
Is this what my life has come to? I had the best intentions, and the system has *almost* won in its attempts at beating them out of me. I hate what I'm becoming, I never wanted this. I wanted to CHANGE this.
I'm tired.
I turned 30 this year. I have officially missed my 20's. My carefully planned life is about to climax and I'm too tired and poor to do anything I had hopes of accomplishing. My 6 day, 12 hour minimum work days are taking their toll. I have found my first grey(s), fearfully noted my first facial wrinkles, and would rather sleep than take advantage of amazing weather with a hike.
My parents have my pups because it wasn't fair to keep them locked up in the house while I worked my CRAZY hours, and I miss them. So I got a hamster, he died with a horrible cancer eating at his tiny face a little over a year after I got him. You can't make this up.
I avoid the TV, because any mention of how much doctors make by lawmakers with an agenda makes me angry. I just can't take any more stress.
I luckily stumbled upon the perfect man, and am happily headed towards my white picket fence and 2.5 children. Don't mind the $350k in debt, it's just a mortgage on my brain, I can probably pay it off by the time I'm 40 if they don't cut my potential earnings for dedicating my life to medicine.
I guess I just need to vent. Sometimes I dream about leaving the US and going to a country with a lack of doctors to treat people who actually need and appreciate me. This really is a thank-less job. I actually almost cried the last time I was told thank you by one of my patients.
Is this what my life has come to? I had the best intentions, and the system has *almost* won in its attempts at beating them out of me. I hate what I'm becoming, I never wanted this. I wanted to CHANGE this.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Goodbye (almost) Perfect
"Why did you stop talking to me?" he asked me for what seemed to be the hundredth time.
His fixed gaze burned into me from across the table as my attention focused on a droplet rolling down the side of his forgotten drink. My fingers mindlessly continued to fidget with my necklace as I realized the lounge was suddenly strangely quiet mid morning. I motioned to the waitress indicating I needed another refill for my coffee, my fourth, how unhealthy. The waitress could only save me so many times before his offending glare made it known she was imposing on a possibly important conversation.
I eventually glanced back over at him and shrugged, as I had every other time he asked me.
It had been over two years since I had cut him out of my life without so much as a second thought. A brief moment of clarity that resulted in the cutting ties with my offender, ignoring all forms of contact, mutual friends and potential run-ins. He had only tried to get through to me for roughly two weeks before giving up. A sign, in my mind, that I had made the right decision moving on.
We had done the obligatory small talk after running into each other. He, well dressed in his typical chic fashion, scouting the site of his interview the next day. Me? I was post call, tired and eager to get home to the comfort and warmth of my apartment - in other words, a disheveled mess. My heart initially jumped into my throat, leaving me a deer in the headlights with his seemingly rehearsed greeting and all too excited smile. The formalities extended to an invitation to share a drink and, after many uncomfortable attempts at a rain check, accepted with the disclaimer that it would have to be brief. An hour later, after catching up with each other and re-establishing our light-hearted banter, he is asking me the same uncomfortable question I'd already dodged countless times. I'm still wondering if I care enough to tell him, if it's even worth explaining.
"I told you," I reply, "We had just grown apart."
"Is that all?" He asks, pleading, "I just don't understand. I didn't even get a goodbye."
I allowed myself a moment to take a deep breath, his insistence at ignorance beginning to anger me.
How could I tell him that I had waited for him to realize our potential for almost 4 years. That I knew about Her. That I knew about his lies. How embarrassed I was when I was told by friends about his actions, and about how much faith I had put in our future together. How cutting him out of my life was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself, finally putting myself on track to the happiness I had always wanted.
"I think you know why." I stated firmly, finally returning and holding his stare.
"Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?" He asked, acknowledging the elephant in the room.
"What was there to talk about?" I asked, never taking my eyes off him as he now diverts his gaze. "You knew what you were doing. What difference would it have made? I wasn't going to stick around to continue making a fool out of myself." I continued, "Besides, it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"
He stopped to look at me, sadness and hope still lingering in his gaze.
"You know, we broke up." He stated, looking for a reaction, "It wasn't serious."
"I'm sorry," I replied, reaching again for my necklace, realizing why he was so happy to see me after so long. Damning myself for not remembering to wear it appropriately after work, especially during a time like this.
"Are you dating anyone?" He asked
"Yeah," I muttered, fidgeting with the clasp on my charm enhancer. Dreading the conversation I knew was coming. How could he not know?
"Oh really?" He stated, smirking, "do your parents like him?" knowing I had never introduced anyone to my parents, except him.
"They loved him," I replied, "even before I did."
My hands finally get my ring out of the charm enhancer around my neck and I slip it on looking at him. I feel his eyes burning into my left hand as I grab my freshly refilled coffee and take a big gulp, burning my mouth in the process.
We sit in silence staring out the window for what seems like forever, me nursing my now numb tongue until I finally look over at his nook of the table. His face white, eyes focused on a squirrel rummaging around a tree outside of the cafe.
"I'm happy," I said to the silence, looking back out the window, "He's everything I could have ever asked for."
Silence.
"I've always loved you," He finally said to the silence, a statement he's never verbalized in the years we had known each other.
Silence.
"I know," I reply, later adding, "I loved you too."
We sit for what feels like forever staring out over the city. My now cold, half drunk coffee nestled in my lap as I sit crookedly on my lounge chair, knees up, heels kicked back feeling my fatigue set in.
Eventually we talk, mostly about nothing, catching up on mutual friends and laughing about the old times. Two hours after our initial run-in, we finally get up to leave.
"You will always be the one that got away," he whispers in my ear as we mutter our goodbyes.
I look at him, remembering the days I wished to hear nothing more than those words from his mouth.
Now I want nothing to do with them.
"Oh please, you'll find someone perfect for you," I laugh it off breaking eye contact as I started walking towards the train, dismissing his invitation to drive me home." We never would have worked anyway," I called over my shoulder, thinking of Moniker and our future together smiling. The day was young, the sun was shining, and my life was exactly where I wanted to be.
His fixed gaze burned into me from across the table as my attention focused on a droplet rolling down the side of his forgotten drink. My fingers mindlessly continued to fidget with my necklace as I realized the lounge was suddenly strangely quiet mid morning. I motioned to the waitress indicating I needed another refill for my coffee, my fourth, how unhealthy. The waitress could only save me so many times before his offending glare made it known she was imposing on a possibly important conversation.
I eventually glanced back over at him and shrugged, as I had every other time he asked me.
It had been over two years since I had cut him out of my life without so much as a second thought. A brief moment of clarity that resulted in the cutting ties with my offender, ignoring all forms of contact, mutual friends and potential run-ins. He had only tried to get through to me for roughly two weeks before giving up. A sign, in my mind, that I had made the right decision moving on.
We had done the obligatory small talk after running into each other. He, well dressed in his typical chic fashion, scouting the site of his interview the next day. Me? I was post call, tired and eager to get home to the comfort and warmth of my apartment - in other words, a disheveled mess. My heart initially jumped into my throat, leaving me a deer in the headlights with his seemingly rehearsed greeting and all too excited smile. The formalities extended to an invitation to share a drink and, after many uncomfortable attempts at a rain check, accepted with the disclaimer that it would have to be brief. An hour later, after catching up with each other and re-establishing our light-hearted banter, he is asking me the same uncomfortable question I'd already dodged countless times. I'm still wondering if I care enough to tell him, if it's even worth explaining.
"I told you," I reply, "We had just grown apart."
"Is that all?" He asks, pleading, "I just don't understand. I didn't even get a goodbye."
I allowed myself a moment to take a deep breath, his insistence at ignorance beginning to anger me.
How could I tell him that I had waited for him to realize our potential for almost 4 years. That I knew about Her. That I knew about his lies. How embarrassed I was when I was told by friends about his actions, and about how much faith I had put in our future together. How cutting him out of my life was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself, finally putting myself on track to the happiness I had always wanted.
"I think you know why." I stated firmly, finally returning and holding his stare.
"Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?" He asked, acknowledging the elephant in the room.
"What was there to talk about?" I asked, never taking my eyes off him as he now diverts his gaze. "You knew what you were doing. What difference would it have made? I wasn't going to stick around to continue making a fool out of myself." I continued, "Besides, it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"
He stopped to look at me, sadness and hope still lingering in his gaze.
"You know, we broke up." He stated, looking for a reaction, "It wasn't serious."
"I'm sorry," I replied, reaching again for my necklace, realizing why he was so happy to see me after so long. Damning myself for not remembering to wear it appropriately after work, especially during a time like this.
"Are you dating anyone?" He asked
"Yeah," I muttered, fidgeting with the clasp on my charm enhancer. Dreading the conversation I knew was coming. How could he not know?
"Oh really?" He stated, smirking, "do your parents like him?" knowing I had never introduced anyone to my parents, except him.
"They loved him," I replied, "even before I did."
My hands finally get my ring out of the charm enhancer around my neck and I slip it on looking at him. I feel his eyes burning into my left hand as I grab my freshly refilled coffee and take a big gulp, burning my mouth in the process.
We sit in silence staring out the window for what seems like forever, me nursing my now numb tongue until I finally look over at his nook of the table. His face white, eyes focused on a squirrel rummaging around a tree outside of the cafe.
"I'm happy," I said to the silence, looking back out the window, "He's everything I could have ever asked for."
Silence.
"I've always loved you," He finally said to the silence, a statement he's never verbalized in the years we had known each other.
Silence.
"I know," I reply, later adding, "I loved you too."
We sit for what feels like forever staring out over the city. My now cold, half drunk coffee nestled in my lap as I sit crookedly on my lounge chair, knees up, heels kicked back feeling my fatigue set in.
Eventually we talk, mostly about nothing, catching up on mutual friends and laughing about the old times. Two hours after our initial run-in, we finally get up to leave.
"You will always be the one that got away," he whispers in my ear as we mutter our goodbyes.
I look at him, remembering the days I wished to hear nothing more than those words from his mouth.
Now I want nothing to do with them.
"Oh please, you'll find someone perfect for you," I laugh it off breaking eye contact as I started walking towards the train, dismissing his invitation to drive me home." We never would have worked anyway," I called over my shoulder, thinking of Moniker and our future together smiling. The day was young, the sun was shining, and my life was exactly where I wanted to be.
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