Medicine has made me forget who I am. Instead of the young hopeful doctor who thrives to help people, I've become a scared bitter individual who caters to the wants (not NEEDS) of people for fear of retribution. I have written countless rants on the blogger editor which will never see the light of virtual day due to fears of HIPAA, or my identity being ousted.
I'm tired.
I turned 30 this year. I have officially missed my 20's. My carefully planned life is about to climax and I'm too tired and poor to do anything I had hopes of accomplishing. My 6 day, 12 hour minimum work days are taking their toll. I have found my first grey(s), fearfully noted my first facial wrinkles, and would rather sleep than take advantage of amazing weather with a hike.
My parents have my pups because it wasn't fair to keep them locked up in the house while I worked my CRAZY hours, and I miss them. So I got a hamster, he died with a horrible cancer eating at his tiny face a little over a year after I got him. You can't make this up.
I avoid the TV, because any mention of how much doctors make by lawmakers with an agenda makes me angry. I just can't take any more stress.
I luckily stumbled upon the perfect man, and am happily headed towards my white picket fence and 2.5 children. Don't mind the $350k in debt, it's just a mortgage on my brain, I can probably pay it off by the time I'm 40 if they don't cut my potential earnings for dedicating my life to medicine.
I guess I just need to vent. Sometimes I dream about leaving the US and going to a country with a lack of doctors to treat people who actually need and appreciate me. This really is a thank-less job. I actually almost cried the last time I was told thank you by one of my patients.
Is this what my life has come to? I had the best intentions, and the system has *almost* won in its attempts at beating them out of me. I hate what I'm becoming, I never wanted this. I wanted to CHANGE this.
