Moniker

I've been staring at this blank post for probably 20 minutes. My stolen internet fading in and out, and not allowing my procrastination to take hold.

I guess updates are in order...

They always say when you're least expecting something is usually the time you get it. I am not the exception. I've had... to say the least, a pretty rocky past with love. I had a skewed image of men, and had come to the point where I had convinced myself that to truly be happy I would have to live without love for the man I married in hopes of keeping what little patience I had left for the opposite sex. I debated on finding a nice, stable man, to... cohabitate with for the rest of my life in a loveless stable relationship that would never leave me hurting again.

I guess I was wrong.

I had known him the entire year before I gave him a chance. Even now I sat here for at least five minutes trying to think of a moniker for him, none of which give him his due credit. I guess I'll call him moniker? Nothing fits the man he is to me.

We worked together, and had apparently met early in our careers, by his notice - not mine. He, a 6'4" doof of a man, with the most beautiful blue eyes and dark hair that I easily glanced over while occupied with nonsense the better part of last year. He had apparently heard of others aiming to catch my attention and had not tried to approach me, other than saying hello in the halls (of which I was reminded of and told I never returned the hellos in passing - gah).

His opportunity came shortly after my last post when we were thrown into the hectic and fast paced ER together for multiple shifts, where he in his adorably passive way got a hold of my number by the promise of the hospital's all elusive wireless internet password (which he promised to flirt out of the nurses.) Thus began his attempt at a courtship, and my attempts to turn his advances into a friendship.

He wasn't my type. An overweight, unkempt, video gaming man with crooked teeth, a perma frown (like craters in between his eyes) and sticky palms was far from what I thought to be my prince charming. Though, he was amusing. His mind as sharp as a tack when it came to instant rebuttals or quick witted jokes with our surrounding environment. While attempting to treat hectic ED cases a quick look down the hall would find him staring back with a goofy lopsided grin and raised eyebrows - especially when attempting to control the pysch cases awaiting their labs to rule out organic causes prior to admission to the psych unit. Always sticking his head in the room to tell me about an "urgent call" when things were getting out of hand.

Conversation was usually initiated by him at that point, his attempts at dates turned into group hang outs where I would show up with distractions and groups of people. His attempts at movie nights would become a mini party at my house "oh! hi! I wasn't expecting you! A movie? sure!" while frantically texting everyone I knew to "drop by" in an effort to avoid an awkward situation.

Through the months (yes months), I began to look forward to our talks. He would show up with home made brownies (yes, he cooks) and movies in his attempts at making his intentions known. He would never talk about what he wanted hoping his hints were working, sending songs with lyrics suggestive of our relationship while I played stupid. Acting as if he were the best friend I always wanted without allowing him enough time to "make a move," running into my house or going into hiding when he would push me past my comfort zone. In hind sight I think I would have reacted almost the same with any man who tried to date me at that point. I was done with them.

At one point, he finally "made his move." On a drive back from a local bar, with friends in the back seat, he attempted to hold my hand.

My heart dropped, my hands went cold, and I quickly jerked away from him uncomfortable and upset that someone I liked so much wasn't content with just my friendship and had complicated our happy cohesive relationship by wanting more. I avoided him after that, confused by my reaction, and how much I missed him - we didn't speak for a week or two.

At the time I was on nights, a horribly hectic schedule where I slept all day and worked all night from 4pm - 9am. He was only meant to work at our hospital till the end of june before moving away- and it was two weeks till. I had heard the surgeons held their graduation at some point the week prior, vaguely realizing how long it had been since we'd talked as I walked out the hospital my last night on nights in a daze the morning everything changed.

The night had been particularly miserable, with sick patients being admitted, a couple codes and an extended morning for me in an attempt to complete all of my pending notes for the night. The way I left the hospital was a back little used doorway, using the darkest sunglasses I could find to protect my sun depraved eyes... and then I saw him. He was coming in to turn in his badge, parking in a little known spot closer to the hospital vs the employee parking lot located at the other end of the hospital. I didn't recognize him without his scrubs or his usual frumpy athletic gear commonly worn to hang out. I initially focused in to the tall dark haired man in nice grey dress slacks and a pale blue button down thinking "hmm, where did youuuu come from handsome?" until I realized who I was looking at.

That moment will stay with me forever.

I can only describe the feeling coming over me as... comfort. A warm rush of safety, security, relief and excitement that took over me as I realized I was seeing him before his move 6 hours away. Before knowing it, there he was in front of me with his contagious laugh, joking about how my night must have been looking the way I did, his big arms engulfing me as I, in my tired haze, sunk into them confused by my reaction. I coaxed him into eating lunch with me, "our last meal together," I told him, ignoring his rejections and attempts at escape. Later he would tell me he had given up on me, not wanting to put himself in a situation where he would get sucked back in.

I won, of course, and we ate. My inspection of his car en route showed multiple graduation programs and a place card with my name on it. He admitted he meant to invite me to the big event but ended up not after our last interaction... a horrible feeling I still live with. We ended up back at my house to watch a movie (our first alone) with me eventually falling asleep on my couch around 12pm while allowing him to, for once, sit close enough to me to have some sort of contact.

I woke up at 10am (almost 20 hours later), alone on my couch and in the dark with my privacy curtains closed. As far as I knew he had packed up his bags the day prior and already moved by that point. He was gone. I checked my phone for any missed calls or texts and sat back after I saw nothing from him confused about what my sleep deprived mine had been thinking.

I didn't understand my emotions surrounding his departure, I was still a mess.

Later I opened my door to check the mail and found a small stuffed animal (an animal he and I joked about often) sitting goofily on my front step staring up at me silently. Laughter exploded out of me as I grabbed it taking it inside to inspect it further. It had no note, but didn't need one... the message was clearly stated.

It has been almost 5-6 months that I've allowed him close enough to see parts of the real me. He's been patient, caring, and by far is the most amazing man I have ever met. He knows everything about my past, and allows me time - backing away when he senses he is pushing my comfort level too fast, and is attentive enough to know when I'm digging myself into a hole to persuade me out. He tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe him when he does - knowing I could be in my worse state he he would find what ever beauty there was in me to focus on. He is everything I have ever wanted on paper, and the things I found fault in physically are slowly evaporating - as I have now learned were due to his miserable life in the surgical residency. He has lost, possibly, a total of 30 pounds since his move and better schedule. His body the perfect type to cuddle in to, his eyes the most beautiful blue I have ever seen with the most playful yet genuine smile any person could possibly own. When I think of him my heart flutters, and I can't help but be thankful that I didn't allow petty superficial inconsistencies keep my from someone like him - with, of course, some flaws which I will likely blog about in the future.

My update? I'm happy. I believe everything happens for a reason, and the hell I went through was meant for me to learn to appreciate a man like the one I have now. The nice guy who was never given much of a chance by any other girl with the heart of gold. I'm amazed at how long it took me to realize what was sitting right in front of me, and I'm thankful I did. He makes me think of a happy future and has restored the little girl in me that dreamt of happy endings.

I hope this lasts... I'd hate to update this blog later with bitter man hating posts again, I really want to be done with those.