I have met the first man in my life that after being around him for a day all I could think about doing was sticking my tongue down his throat.
*blank stare*
I'm serious.
*blink*
ok ok, let me back up. He was part of the new group of surgical students coming through the hospital. When I first met him I didn't think he was very attractive, but a couple days in he started to hang around me a little more and... he drips sex. DRIPS. I think it started when I saw his arms when he took off his lab coat for a surgery... which immediately had me staring at his hands (not too hot) and had me staring at his arms again. That day he got my number, and plans were made to hang out that weekend. He didn't disappoint in regular clothes, and has maybe the most amazing body I've seen in a very. very. VERY long time.
The problem with men who drip sex is that they know it. Since then I've realized that he has girls EVERYWHERE. I'm pretty sure he has 2 girlfriends, and that thought alone had me back up a little and just happy with staring at him. We've had a nice flirtation going on at the hospital (which doesn't make me feel too guilty because he has 2 girlfriends) and saves me from actually contemplating tackling him and... sticking my tongue down his throat.
I just need to express that I've never thought someone like this existed. When I'm not around him I couldn't care less if I talk about him. But when he's around... I am so incredibly attracted to him it's ridiculous. I guess there are different categories. Handsome (which he's not), Hot (those are reserved for the ones you see and immediately want from down the street), Attractive (the ones that grow on you, I guess he could be that too), cute (like puppies!), and sexy.
It's scary being so attracted to someone. I know it's dangerous and have backed off... but still.
He.
Drips.
Sex.
Good thing my surgical rotation is over and I'm moving ;).
Friday, August 1, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The smell of death is sour.
I remember the first person I saw die.
I'm unsure of whether or not he was already dead before I got there. His pulses weren't palpable by that point and the only thing perfusing his organs was dr's and nurses pumping at his chest while yelling out orders for epinephrine, atropine and the rest of the ACLS protocol trying to restart his heart. All I remember is hearing the code, rushing to the room amidst all the other medical staff, seeing his roommate being wheeled out of the room, him laying on the ground in a pool of blood and the smell.
Death smells sour. It smells sour, putrid and vile. It's a smell that you'll never forget once you've been acquainted with it (kinda like C. diff... peeeuu!).
A code (and a trama) is like nothing you've ever seen. There are a gajillion nurses, techs, dr's and students running around trying to get all the things necessary to save someone's life. People are shouting, drugs are being passed around, IV lines are being secured, airways are being evaluated, etc etc. Every person has a role, and whoever doesn't crowds around the doorway ready to step in the second their needed.
Yesterday there was another code in the SICU. The first of our patients in 3 months to full on code, during transport no less. He stopped being responsive in the elevator from the telemetry unit en route to the SICU and the rush began. I heard the code while trying to get blood for some routine labs and booked it down there.
I saw the crowd as I ran up to the room and saw one of our interns pumping at the patient's chest while others we setting up a femoral line and doing the other necessary things to bring the patient back. The second I entered the room... I smelled it. It was like the first time only this time i knew what it was. I took over compressions putting my entire body weight on the man's chest. I felt one of his ribs break, I noticed my bangs getting into my eyes, and watched as his oversized obese belly flowed with every thrust I put into him.
I barely heard as the nurses shouted what drug was being administered next and watched as one of the residents attempted to insert a chest tube only to be greeted with a large stream of blood the second he entered the thoracic cavity. I can still see his eyes get wide as he stuck his entire finger into the hole to plug the faucet like rush of blood while he muttered "something's not right." I remember staring at the patients face... and remembering how blue he looked, "just like the first one" I thought, as someone started pulling me away from the body "switch out and take a break! You're panting." And someone else took over, as I wiped my forehead and realized I was covered in blood.
We kept doing compressions for the next 45 minutes, I administered epi, atropine, bicarb and etc during the breaks from compressions in an attempt to get his heart back on track. I watched as the attending removed clots of blood by the handful as he tried to clear the cavity for his lungs. He died at 11:37AM, due to a pulmonary artery rupture. He had no chance. The blood we gave him to bring him back was going in and being pushed right into his chest, they could feel the cold blood being put in come right back out... and all I could remember was the smell.
I smelled it on me all day. I washed my hands at least 30 times, afterwards before eating, during eating, etc etc. I could barely finish my lunch because I smelled it on me... it was... there. Ugh it was awful.
I hate it.
Medicine is only fun when you save lives...
I'm unsure of whether or not he was already dead before I got there. His pulses weren't palpable by that point and the only thing perfusing his organs was dr's and nurses pumping at his chest while yelling out orders for epinephrine, atropine and the rest of the ACLS protocol trying to restart his heart. All I remember is hearing the code, rushing to the room amidst all the other medical staff, seeing his roommate being wheeled out of the room, him laying on the ground in a pool of blood and the smell.
Death smells sour. It smells sour, putrid and vile. It's a smell that you'll never forget once you've been acquainted with it (kinda like C. diff... peeeuu!).
A code (and a trama) is like nothing you've ever seen. There are a gajillion nurses, techs, dr's and students running around trying to get all the things necessary to save someone's life. People are shouting, drugs are being passed around, IV lines are being secured, airways are being evaluated, etc etc. Every person has a role, and whoever doesn't crowds around the doorway ready to step in the second their needed.
Yesterday there was another code in the SICU. The first of our patients in 3 months to full on code, during transport no less. He stopped being responsive in the elevator from the telemetry unit en route to the SICU and the rush began. I heard the code while trying to get blood for some routine labs and booked it down there.
I saw the crowd as I ran up to the room and saw one of our interns pumping at the patient's chest while others we setting up a femoral line and doing the other necessary things to bring the patient back. The second I entered the room... I smelled it. It was like the first time only this time i knew what it was. I took over compressions putting my entire body weight on the man's chest. I felt one of his ribs break, I noticed my bangs getting into my eyes, and watched as his oversized obese belly flowed with every thrust I put into him.
I barely heard as the nurses shouted what drug was being administered next and watched as one of the residents attempted to insert a chest tube only to be greeted with a large stream of blood the second he entered the thoracic cavity. I can still see his eyes get wide as he stuck his entire finger into the hole to plug the faucet like rush of blood while he muttered "something's not right." I remember staring at the patients face... and remembering how blue he looked, "just like the first one" I thought, as someone started pulling me away from the body "switch out and take a break! You're panting." And someone else took over, as I wiped my forehead and realized I was covered in blood.
We kept doing compressions for the next 45 minutes, I administered epi, atropine, bicarb and etc during the breaks from compressions in an attempt to get his heart back on track. I watched as the attending removed clots of blood by the handful as he tried to clear the cavity for his lungs. He died at 11:37AM, due to a pulmonary artery rupture. He had no chance. The blood we gave him to bring him back was going in and being pushed right into his chest, they could feel the cold blood being put in come right back out... and all I could remember was the smell.
I smelled it on me all day. I washed my hands at least 30 times, afterwards before eating, during eating, etc etc. I could barely finish my lunch because I smelled it on me... it was... there. Ugh it was awful.
I hate it.
Medicine is only fun when you save lives...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Today was a good day
I woke up at 5, scrubbed into 4 cases, helped with the breast clinic, went to class, afternoon rounding was pushed back to around 7 by a trauma that luckily ended well, and I found myself heading home, exhausted, and dreading the fact that I still had to run at 8pm.
So I dressed for the run (this means I have to go... no really), and made my way into my tiny nyc kitchen to make myself some instant coffee (it's not cheating!) to help energize me for my run. I go out on my crappy nyc balcony, sit on my crappy dilapidated/rusted nyc porch chairs... and realized the city was in complete view for once. (the view is the only thing I love about my place)
The weather had cooled down a little, and the normal haze that overlies the city had somehow been lifted. The sun was setting and the lights of the city were beginning to come out. The boats silently were making their way back into harbor, and it was...
The word perfect is reserved for situations like this.
A feeling of peace came over me.
Perfect weather, perfect view, not perfect instant coffee, and the realization that at that very moment, I was happy.
I gave myself that moment... I think it's called relaxing... it was amazing.
I think I only sat out there for 5 minutes... then I went for a run and huffed and puffed back home, showered, made plans for the weekend, and blogged.
Sometimes my spiritual self takes moments like this to thank god for giving her everything she has, and all the experiences she's lived through. Then my anti-religion side freaks out and wonders if she sounded like she was preaching.
So I dressed for the run (this means I have to go... no really), and made my way into my tiny nyc kitchen to make myself some instant coffee (it's not cheating!) to help energize me for my run. I go out on my crappy nyc balcony, sit on my crappy dilapidated/rusted nyc porch chairs... and realized the city was in complete view for once. (the view is the only thing I love about my place)
The weather had cooled down a little, and the normal haze that overlies the city had somehow been lifted. The sun was setting and the lights of the city were beginning to come out. The boats silently were making their way back into harbor, and it was...
The word perfect is reserved for situations like this.
A feeling of peace came over me.
Perfect weather, perfect view, not perfect instant coffee, and the realization that at that very moment, I was happy.
I gave myself that moment... I think it's called relaxing... it was amazing.
I think I only sat out there for 5 minutes... then I went for a run and huffed and puffed back home, showered, made plans for the weekend, and blogged.
Sometimes my spiritual self takes moments like this to thank god for giving her everything she has, and all the experiences she's lived through. Then my anti-religion side freaks out and wonders if she sounded like she was preaching.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Stupid shin splints
I felt like I haven't written in awhile, and I would like to keep this blog updated... so I guess rambling is in order.
I've started running. This was in an effort to get in shape and shed some extra pounds. It felt good in the beginning, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Wanna know how much weight I've lost in 3 weeks? Nada... so along with running and changing my diet I am still at exactly the same weight I was when I was eating whatever I wanted and not huffing and puffing down the street every day. Brilliant. I'm trying to keep at it, but unfortunately I think I'm getting shin splints and with NYC's amazing sidewalks, I twisted my ankle on some uneven (read construction hell) pavement... boo.
I attempted to reach out to Navy before the holiday weekend began. I felt like 2 months was long enough and if I wanted to pursue a friendship sometime in the near future reaching a hand in that direction was in order. So I called him and yeah - definitely didn't work out. I'm thinking he's still not happy with me, or that i've overestimated him and he's just extremely immature. The latter is probably the most fitting, but I don't like thinking about it. It's sad. Operation keep navy as friend is being abandoned. Unfortunate... I really mean that, I miss him around.
I've decided on a field to pursue in my medical studies... I think (lets hope I don't change my mind again). It's very competitive but I think I can do it. I'm focusing all my studies around it, and if I make it - I'll be one very happy doctor. Cross your fingers everyone.
I've made friends with 2 of the girls living in my "house" with me.
One is a very stupid young girl who has a very cute body and not so cute face. She reminds me a lot of me in the way she rationalizes everything and how she views herself in the world. Mostly she reminds me of me in dealing with the boys (and I mean BOYS) in her life. I tried to give her a talking to - the kind where you're overly harsh and tell them to get over themselves - but I don't think it worked. It's amazing how much 3 years can make a difference in the way you see the world. She's fresh out of college and I look at her like a child. Is that odd? Am I growing up? God I hope not.
The other is trying to get into fashion and very into christianity. She kinda reminds me of sara on the real world - judgemental and stubborn, but means well. She's an awesome running buddy though, so that's a bonus :). She also has a very unique sense of style, which i love - meh, we'll see, I'm trying to get out of this "house" by the end of the month.
Perfect on paper is still around, and always decides to drop a line right when I stop caring if he'll contact me or not. He's confusing, but an option I'm going to keep open. If it's meant to be... it'll be, my life is too high paced right now to deal with him and the uncertainty of either of our lives pre-match.
Other than that, I don't know - there are some updates. I'm not miserable, so the overanalytical part of me is resting a bit. But don't worry - she'll be back soon, I can feel it.
I've started running. This was in an effort to get in shape and shed some extra pounds. It felt good in the beginning, I felt like I was getting somewhere. Wanna know how much weight I've lost in 3 weeks? Nada... so along with running and changing my diet I am still at exactly the same weight I was when I was eating whatever I wanted and not huffing and puffing down the street every day. Brilliant. I'm trying to keep at it, but unfortunately I think I'm getting shin splints and with NYC's amazing sidewalks, I twisted my ankle on some uneven (read construction hell) pavement... boo.
I attempted to reach out to Navy before the holiday weekend began. I felt like 2 months was long enough and if I wanted to pursue a friendship sometime in the near future reaching a hand in that direction was in order. So I called him and yeah - definitely didn't work out. I'm thinking he's still not happy with me, or that i've overestimated him and he's just extremely immature. The latter is probably the most fitting, but I don't like thinking about it. It's sad. Operation keep navy as friend is being abandoned. Unfortunate... I really mean that, I miss him around.
I've decided on a field to pursue in my medical studies... I think (lets hope I don't change my mind again). It's very competitive but I think I can do it. I'm focusing all my studies around it, and if I make it - I'll be one very happy doctor. Cross your fingers everyone.
I've made friends with 2 of the girls living in my "house" with me.
One is a very stupid young girl who has a very cute body and not so cute face. She reminds me a lot of me in the way she rationalizes everything and how she views herself in the world. Mostly she reminds me of me in dealing with the boys (and I mean BOYS) in her life. I tried to give her a talking to - the kind where you're overly harsh and tell them to get over themselves - but I don't think it worked. It's amazing how much 3 years can make a difference in the way you see the world. She's fresh out of college and I look at her like a child. Is that odd? Am I growing up? God I hope not.
The other is trying to get into fashion and very into christianity. She kinda reminds me of sara on the real world - judgemental and stubborn, but means well. She's an awesome running buddy though, so that's a bonus :). She also has a very unique sense of style, which i love - meh, we'll see, I'm trying to get out of this "house" by the end of the month.
Perfect on paper is still around, and always decides to drop a line right when I stop caring if he'll contact me or not. He's confusing, but an option I'm going to keep open. If it's meant to be... it'll be, my life is too high paced right now to deal with him and the uncertainty of either of our lives pre-match.
Other than that, I don't know - there are some updates. I'm not miserable, so the overanalytical part of me is resting a bit. But don't worry - she'll be back soon, I can feel it.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Fair warning
When walking through the west village on gay pride parade day - do not make eye contact with other females if you are straight. Heaven forbid you smile or give way in the mob - some girl might think you're hitting on her girlfriend and get offended.
HOWEVER! I did meet an amazing man named Lou who shared his umbrella with me during the major thunderstorm I go caught in right by the train station. He watched the parade with me and give me cute little tidbits to think about as the floats came by. He was probably the savior to my weekend, it's a shame he's gay ladies (also a shame that he's about 60) his gentlemaness (word?) was a breath of fresh air in this city. I heart Lou.
I do not, however, heart large breasted women walking down the street with their boobs hanging out... ew.
The end
HOWEVER! I did meet an amazing man named Lou who shared his umbrella with me during the major thunderstorm I go caught in right by the train station. He watched the parade with me and give me cute little tidbits to think about as the floats came by. He was probably the savior to my weekend, it's a shame he's gay ladies (also a shame that he's about 60) his gentlemaness (word?) was a breath of fresh air in this city. I heart Lou.
I do not, however, heart large breasted women walking down the street with their boobs hanging out... ew.
The end
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
No more dead log.
I went out this weekend, and I forgot who I was. I put myself in situations I learned a long time ago never to put myself in... and it's like I forgot. I forgot who I was. I forgot how strong I was, and I made exceptions because I thought maybe I was feeling uncomfortable being single.
I've slept next to 3 guys in the past 4 days. Not in a sexual way, but "cuddled" non the less. They all made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to... but I thought that I only felt that way because the only man I'd slept next to for the past year and a half was navy... and before him there was no one (basic sciences makes it difficult to date).
I was kinda pushed into the situation because I was in the city, out, drunk, and crashed at a friend of a friend's place. Therefore his friend (whoever it was that night) thought they should do the obligatory move, and while the friend of a friend was hitting on my friend, the friend would make passes at me. Ugh. I'm so annoyed thinking about the situation(s) I put myself in.
Friday night, FOF (friend of a friend) is allowing my friend to spend the weekend with him while she's in town. We initially thought he wouldn't be there, which meant I brought my sleepover stuff to his apt (he was supposed to let us be using it while in the city) so she and I could do whatever we wanted. He's in love with her (she has a boyfriend) and skips his business deal in london to stay at home and try to be with her.
This means he wants to make all the plans (did I mention I really don't like him? He's 26, has new money, and absolutely no taste... not to mention arrogant) and doesn't understand that my friend and I are poor (hi, in medical school, 200k loan so far buddy, thanks). So he's taking us to all these popular expensive places in the city we can't afford, and LUCKY ME! he's inviting another male friend to keep me company it seems. So instead of hanging out with my friend friday night, I have to fight off this other equally obnoxious quality guy (also made a couple million this year, and expected me to be impressed while he told me about it... gag me) and be civil because all my shit is at FOF's house. Regardless the end of the night ends up with me cornered into sleeping in the same bed that the dude invited out for me... and although sleeping next to him wasn't bad - having him inhaling my hair, waking me up to ask me what shampoo I use ("it smells so good" *snarf*), and also waking me up by kissing me (ew gross loser, I'm sleeping! Not to mention even if you did have a chance, you probably should have initially tried to kiss me while I was awake) didn't fly by so well.
I scooted as far away from his as I could cursing myself every time he scooted near me, and played dead log all night hoping he'd give up trying to hook up with me
IDIOT! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION! WHAT IF HE WAS PSYCHO AND FORCED HIMSELF ON ME!
did I learn? No.
The next night I stayed thinking we were going to a house party where I would know people, but FOF had different ideas... again after pregamming at his house (i'm nice and toasty at this point) a random guy drops by and our plans have changed. I was more prepared this time and invited some friends to meet us up at the bar we ended up at, but FOF was equally slick and moved us around enough to where I couldn't keep up people around me to show up. UGH. I can't believe I was in this situation again.
This time though, when FOF's (new) friend tried to move in for a kiss (this one was more aggressive) I bit him.
You heard me.
Then I laughed at him and ran off.
He thought I was flirting...
I guess I kinda let him. I think I didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable... I don't know, I was drunk. ugh.
Anyhoo, I continued to play nice after that (I did bite him pretty hard) and thought he got the point when I told him I don't kiss strangers (I just bite). We continued our fun drunkeness... him not trying to kiss me again while I was awake, but then again - I ended up having to sleep in the same bed as FOF's random friend.
So I tried passing out again like a dead log (I am such an idiot) while this fool is rubbing my back, and passing his hands over my boobs. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! Why did I just lay there? And then I passed out, uncomfortable, with him kissing at my neck, cringing.
Have you noticed I haven't mentioned kissing any of these guys while awake - nor have I mentioned letting them get close enough to do anything else with the exception of the biting?
ugh.
And last night, a guy I've known for a long time came over... he randomly came into town to see a girl he's "dating" - I don't know what they are. He called me and asked if he could crash - I tell him of course... he shows up, and when the light goes off he starts rubbing my back. Now I'm very comfortable with him, and know he's touchy feely, but i dunno - the backrub turned into a full body rub... and i dunno - it was weird. Much weirder when I wake up to him kissing my back while I was sleeping, and again another man passed his hands over my boobs... and again I laid there as if I didn't know it happened cringing the whole time.
This is how girls get raped.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I had something like this happen to me back in college...
a guy who was friend's with the dude my roommate was hooking up with at the time came into my room while I was sleeping. I didn't lock my doors back then... and I slept naked. He climbed into bed with me and tried to hook up with me... I never asked him to leave, and when he started touching me I only fought him off for a little before I turned into the dead log. I let him touch me and forcibly fought him off me while he tried to sleep with me. Luckily he didn't... and I didn't tell anyone till a week later I while ignoring my roommate and having her confront me, I blew up crying and told her. The more I let myself think about it the angrier I got.
I don't know why I turn into the log... but I taught myself then that things like that aren't ok. If a guy is making you uncomfortable, it's ok for you to make him uncomfortable. No one should ever make me feel the way I feel when things like this happen... and I have no one to blame but myself.
I should have said something.
I should have taken myself out of that situation.
I should never have been in that situation.
And it definitely wasn't because these guys weren't navy, it was because these guys were creeps (yes, even unfortunately my friend... I don't know what to say to him, ugh) and I was a coward.
I am an idiot.
I've slept next to 3 guys in the past 4 days. Not in a sexual way, but "cuddled" non the less. They all made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to... but I thought that I only felt that way because the only man I'd slept next to for the past year and a half was navy... and before him there was no one (basic sciences makes it difficult to date).
I was kinda pushed into the situation because I was in the city, out, drunk, and crashed at a friend of a friend's place. Therefore his friend (whoever it was that night) thought they should do the obligatory move, and while the friend of a friend was hitting on my friend, the friend would make passes at me. Ugh. I'm so annoyed thinking about the situation(s) I put myself in.
Friday night, FOF (friend of a friend) is allowing my friend to spend the weekend with him while she's in town. We initially thought he wouldn't be there, which meant I brought my sleepover stuff to his apt (he was supposed to let us be using it while in the city) so she and I could do whatever we wanted. He's in love with her (she has a boyfriend) and skips his business deal in london to stay at home and try to be with her.
This means he wants to make all the plans (did I mention I really don't like him? He's 26, has new money, and absolutely no taste... not to mention arrogant) and doesn't understand that my friend and I are poor (hi, in medical school, 200k loan so far buddy, thanks). So he's taking us to all these popular expensive places in the city we can't afford, and LUCKY ME! he's inviting another male friend to keep me company it seems. So instead of hanging out with my friend friday night, I have to fight off this other equally obnoxious quality guy (also made a couple million this year, and expected me to be impressed while he told me about it... gag me) and be civil because all my shit is at FOF's house. Regardless the end of the night ends up with me cornered into sleeping in the same bed that the dude invited out for me... and although sleeping next to him wasn't bad - having him inhaling my hair, waking me up to ask me what shampoo I use ("it smells so good" *snarf*), and also waking me up by kissing me (ew gross loser, I'm sleeping! Not to mention even if you did have a chance, you probably should have initially tried to kiss me while I was awake) didn't fly by so well.
I scooted as far away from his as I could cursing myself every time he scooted near me, and played dead log all night hoping he'd give up trying to hook up with me
IDIOT! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION! WHAT IF HE WAS PSYCHO AND FORCED HIMSELF ON ME!
did I learn? No.
The next night I stayed thinking we were going to a house party where I would know people, but FOF had different ideas... again after pregamming at his house (i'm nice and toasty at this point) a random guy drops by and our plans have changed. I was more prepared this time and invited some friends to meet us up at the bar we ended up at, but FOF was equally slick and moved us around enough to where I couldn't keep up people around me to show up. UGH. I can't believe I was in this situation again.
This time though, when FOF's (new) friend tried to move in for a kiss (this one was more aggressive) I bit him.
You heard me.
Then I laughed at him and ran off.
He thought I was flirting...
I guess I kinda let him. I think I didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable... I don't know, I was drunk. ugh.
Anyhoo, I continued to play nice after that (I did bite him pretty hard) and thought he got the point when I told him I don't kiss strangers (I just bite). We continued our fun drunkeness... him not trying to kiss me again while I was awake, but then again - I ended up having to sleep in the same bed as FOF's random friend.
So I tried passing out again like a dead log (I am such an idiot) while this fool is rubbing my back, and passing his hands over my boobs. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! Why did I just lay there? And then I passed out, uncomfortable, with him kissing at my neck, cringing.
Have you noticed I haven't mentioned kissing any of these guys while awake - nor have I mentioned letting them get close enough to do anything else with the exception of the biting?
ugh.
And last night, a guy I've known for a long time came over... he randomly came into town to see a girl he's "dating" - I don't know what they are. He called me and asked if he could crash - I tell him of course... he shows up, and when the light goes off he starts rubbing my back. Now I'm very comfortable with him, and know he's touchy feely, but i dunno - the backrub turned into a full body rub... and i dunno - it was weird. Much weirder when I wake up to him kissing my back while I was sleeping, and again another man passed his hands over my boobs... and again I laid there as if I didn't know it happened cringing the whole time.
This is how girls get raped.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I had something like this happen to me back in college...
a guy who was friend's with the dude my roommate was hooking up with at the time came into my room while I was sleeping. I didn't lock my doors back then... and I slept naked. He climbed into bed with me and tried to hook up with me... I never asked him to leave, and when he started touching me I only fought him off for a little before I turned into the dead log. I let him touch me and forcibly fought him off me while he tried to sleep with me. Luckily he didn't... and I didn't tell anyone till a week later I while ignoring my roommate and having her confront me, I blew up crying and told her. The more I let myself think about it the angrier I got.
I don't know why I turn into the log... but I taught myself then that things like that aren't ok. If a guy is making you uncomfortable, it's ok for you to make him uncomfortable. No one should ever make me feel the way I feel when things like this happen... and I have no one to blame but myself.
I should have said something.
I should have taken myself out of that situation.
I should never have been in that situation.
And it definitely wasn't because these guys weren't navy, it was because these guys were creeps (yes, even unfortunately my friend... I don't know what to say to him, ugh) and I was a coward.
I am an idiot.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Monsoon!
I decided to go running. I sucked it up, made a play-list, mapped out a measly 1 mile route (what? I need to start slow) and stuck a hill (aka: the stair master on crack) right at the 200-300 meter mark and went on my merry little way.
I did well for the first half of the run, but right when my initial energy was fading and the end was too far away to be an ideal goal to push for - something happened. Something that felt like 80 mile per hour winds and the sky opening up and dumping water on me (ok maybe it wasn't that bad, but it felt like it).
So there I am in my skimpy shorts and tank up, gasping for air while taking baby steps, and a bucket of cold water is dumped on me from heaven itself with a mixture of scary wind and an immediate sun to no sun turnaround of about... mmm... 30 seconds? GAH.
Around this point I hit the hill... fucking hill.
So I try to make it up this DAMN hill, and I can't, people are running around around me trying to get shelter and I'm so miserably tired/oxygen deprived from pushing myself the previous half mile (woe is me!) that I can barely walk let alone climb this thing.
I hate my life.
I make it up the hill, run (think baby steps again while gasping for air) back to my tiny apt, quickly make my way inside, catch my breath (yes I almost puked thank you), look at the window and what do i see?
The sun.
The fucking sun.
Thank you freak storm for making my life miserable for that 10 minutes.
ugh.
I did well for the first half of the run, but right when my initial energy was fading and the end was too far away to be an ideal goal to push for - something happened. Something that felt like 80 mile per hour winds and the sky opening up and dumping water on me (ok maybe it wasn't that bad, but it felt like it).
So there I am in my skimpy shorts and tank up, gasping for air while taking baby steps, and a bucket of cold water is dumped on me from heaven itself with a mixture of scary wind and an immediate sun to no sun turnaround of about... mmm... 30 seconds? GAH.
Around this point I hit the hill... fucking hill.
So I try to make it up this DAMN hill, and I can't, people are running around around me trying to get shelter and I'm so miserably tired/oxygen deprived from pushing myself the previous half mile (woe is me!) that I can barely walk let alone climb this thing.
I hate my life.
I make it up the hill, run (think baby steps again while gasping for air) back to my tiny apt, quickly make my way inside, catch my breath (yes I almost puked thank you), look at the window and what do i see?
The sun.
The fucking sun.
Thank you freak storm for making my life miserable for that 10 minutes.
ugh.
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