To be or not to be...

I'm undecided about how I will proceed with Rex... I wonder if it's because of all the excess baggage I carry.

I objectively don't think Rex and I will have a healthy relationship following whatever it was that occurred two weeks ago. I don't trust him, or have faith in his stability.

But at the same time I miss him.

To be honest I don't know if it's him I miss, or just someone. I want someone to spend my time with and plan a future with... I want someone to prove me wrong. To show me that I CAN trust them and have a happily ever after.

He'll be calling sometime this week... I'm dreading the day.
I'll keep you posted.

Wound care

I've postponed continuing my blog because I've felt like I needed to explain rex and his importance to me at this point. But writing it all out was too hard, and describing him while we were good seems pointless now.

Know he came, he conquered, and right now we're on a "break."

Something I realize is permanent, I just haven't conveyed that to him yet, and I'm still trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do. The objective thing to do. The mature thing to do.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

I'm doing a lot of self assessment right now. I don't trust men. Period. Yet at the same time I want to marry my best friend. I WANT to trust them. I want one to prove me wrong. One to sweep me off my feet and mean it. That's probably why I'm so hurt and disappointed in the ending of Rex.

He did, in fact, sweep me off my feet, he made me believe him. I was definitely cautious, I was skeptical that his thoughts for our future together weren't firmly planted. I was very resistant at first... something he noticed and called me on often. "You still have your walls up, don't judge me based on the others." So I threw caution to the wind and let myself fall. Did I think I was falling in love with him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No, we thankfully took our "break" before I could let myself completely ruin myself by letting myself love another disaster.

Why the break? I don't know. He went after me guns a'blazin', wouldn't take no for an answer, would drive over an hour at 6am when I was post call leaving the hospital at 7 - to make me breakfast and cuddle up to me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. He would blow up my phone, texting me all day with cute little smiley face pictures showing me he was thinking of me - making each of them original, and creative. And every day I'd smile and think that I was being too cautious, maybe he meant it, maybe this would work.

He spoke of our life together, how he would move to be near me, how perfect I was, how he'd been looking for someone like me for so long, how he couldn't believe we were together, how he'd been so happy telling everyone I was his girlfriend.

Then one day it changed. Life for him got busy, he became stressed with his job, his finances, his constantly renovated home (current project being the garage) and my text happy, smile sending boyfriend was gone. We didn't talk (we were long distance, so it's pretty much all we had) "I hate the phone, you know that." I showed my unhappiness, "what's the point of having a long distance girlfriend, rex, if you don't know what's going on in her life?"

Until finally, the three day weekend I'd been looking forward to spending with him (my first and only in 3 months) was canceled.

Why?

"I don't know how I feel about us."

Which left me speechless, heartbroken, and I heard myself saying "I don't think I should come down this weekend."
His response? "Maybe that would be for the best."

stab me.

So we talked, and he kept re-stating how he didn't know what was wrong with him *insert bullshit here*, to which I listened quietly, thinking this was our break up. Heart broken.

I told him how hurtful his actions were, how I was so angry that I believed him - which he counters stating he doesn't know how he feels, and that he meant everything he said, *more bullshit inserted here*.

I joked about thankfully avoiding meeting his parents, and how it was a good thing we didn't buy our "couples" halloween costumes - to which he horrifically asked what I was talking about. "I don't want to break up, I'm just stressed, I need to get my head straight, can I have, I don't know, two week?, just to see where I stand?, I don't know what's wrong with me"

He doesn't get it, he thinks I'm still his girlfriend, and for the last week I've been thinking about facing him on our "talk date" telling him I'm not ready for this. I'm too old for this. I think he's a waste of time and too fickle for me to deal with this late in the game.

I'm just so upset I believed him, and that I not only have to face him again in the near future - but hear his "verdict" on how he feels about us. I don't know what'll be worse, him wanting to work it out, or him deciding we weren't meant to me.

Hearing either will break my heart.

I'm sick of my heart breaking.

I don't think it can take anymore.

I'm back

It's been awhile... I know. Time has been short of late. Updates to the blog are needed.

In short, I am now a doctor. A full fledged, order writing, long coat wearing, medical doctor who now has her OWN medical students following her around.

It's weird.

One day you're an MS4 with enough slack to get away with knowing only something, the next you're an MD and expected to know everything.

My first order was 2 PRBC STAT written at 6:15am, because my first patient ever was bleeding out of her ass (literally, bright red blood coming out of rectum).

Holy. Shit.

ANYWAY, I guess I'm back for the same reasons I resorted to blogging in this anonymous forum to begin with... I have no one to talk to. I'm expected to be happy and content, without letting anything get to me. No one wants to hear my shit (at least I don't think so), and, as of yesterday (i'll update why) I'm sad... and I can't really explain why, to anyone.

This blog may or may not be medically related - it's always seemed to be relationship driven. My vocabulary has drifted to the medical side in life, words like "perforated" are normally used in conversation... annoying, I know, I can't help it, I apologize in advance.

Relationship wise, I haven't spoken to navy in over a year - we were friends for awhile and then he annoyed me and that was it. Perfect is still around, and no longer seen as perfect - however he's now considered a "back-up" vs. a goal... if that makes any sense. I need to explain Rex to the blog - he's the most recent new one (and the main reason I need to vent on my blog again). I can't think of anything else. I highly doubt anyone who read this before will read this now, but if anyone can think of anything - feel free to comment questions.

-me

It's about that time

I made a twitter for the blog:
http://twitter.com/ywyk

Only I'll probably never link here. I'm probably just going to use it for the random asshol-ish things that come to my mind I wouldn't want anyone who actually knew me to know I was thinking. Kinda like this blog. The crazy me I hide from the world.

In other news, mother nature brought me a little gift one week early, and suddenly once my hormones stopped raging, I stopped fixating on bloviated as much. Excuse? Maybe... but I'll take it. I didn't like how crazy I was last week. Reminded me too much of my high school crushes on boys who never knew my name.

Also, I passed the boards I took earlier this year, and my next ones are a couple of weeks away. I should be studying.

-me

"Hi."

I sat there speechless staring across the room at the most captivating stranger I'd ever encountered. No words were uttered as a smile formed on my lips, and I saw them mirrored on his. A hand was raised in a gesture of acknowledgment and returned in turn as I took in his face. I let my eyes travel from his familiar blue eyes, down his sunkissed nose to the dimples piercing each cheek in turn. I'd noticed them before, but not like this. They were the same, yet different. An entity all their own, drawing your attention to his perfectly formed smile; one that radiated warmth and recognition, with the edges raised only enough to help elevate the smile back to his eyes.

As the silence continued I realized he was watching my scrutiny with mild amusement, and I immediately averted my eyes. Warmth crept up my neck and flushed my cheeks as my nerves started to give way. I quickly diverted my attention to my friend and her endless ramblings about her boyfriend and their perfect relationship. I forced a smile and gave my responses at the appropriate times, all while quickly glancing back in his direction. He now seemed preoccupied with his hair, and after noticing it, so was I. It was perfectly messy, landing with precision into a layered tangled mess no matter how many times his hands ran through it. The motions of his hands were mesmerizing as he flipped his dark blond hair from one side to the next, unaware of how ineffective his movements were from altering each strand from it's predestined home, and how effective they were instead of drawing my attention back to him. He looked up again noticing my gaze and held it.

"Hi." he spoke smiling, shocking me with the familiar voice I'd come to associate with warmth, security and friendship, "Hi." I grinned back nervously, "I've missed you."

A fresh start

When I started medical school I was a different person. I went out more and I had less responsibilities. Over the years I changed, and I think my friends at the time either stayed the same, or I saw them in a new light.

I have pretty much given up on most of my friends. It saddens me, but I think I put effort into the wrong people. I'd like to think I'm not a quitter, but when it saddens me to stay around certain people... enough is enough.

Here are some reminders to myself so that I don't make the same mistakes with future friendships:

- Shit talking, not ok
- If someone is rude/disrespectful behind someone else's back to you, be assured they're the same way with others regarding you.
- Stop divulging too much information out about yourself, and attempting to help people when it's obvious they're using you.
- Make people work for your friendship... remember it's a privilege.
- Stop being so dependent on people.
- Friendships don't have to be strained all the time, usually... it just flows.
- Never personally attack someone in a fight, discuss feelings, but personal attacks end friendships.
- Walk away when someone personally attacks you, they'll probably do it again.
- Never burn bridges, you'll never know who you'll need when.
- Never work to be someone's friend when their loyalties obviously don't lie with you. Acquaintances are far less demanding and emotionally confusing.
- A friendship, like all relationships, only forms when an opportunity presents itself. Act on it.

I think I have ADD... whatever I felt like venting is gone... meh
xoxo
me

Focus

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15

I read this on postsecret this week, and immediately thought about what I was doing at that very moment. I HATE PROCRASTINATING, but I just CAN'T stop!!! I wake up early every day, I sit down with my books in hopes or preparing for my boards, and NOTHING. I browse the internet until noonish, eat, and then freak out and read/take practice tests for a couple hours before procrastinating again.

I hate myself.